If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Fourteen

When Noah came home that afternoon, he was alone.

Utterly and completely alone.

That was when the weight of what had happened hit him the hardest.

He’d shed some tears after the talk in the bathroom with Kaj, but hadn’t truly cried all day. Hadn’t even elaborated when Val and Theo asked what was going on and why they weren’t together during lunch, either. He simply said they’d broken up. And he must have had a scarier evil stare than he thought, because the moment they tried asking anything else and he glared at them, they shut up.

Everything that morning made him feel like a mere spectator to his own life. The classes were nothing but an intelligible chant in the back of his head. The murmurs in the corridors muffled sounds. His friends cackling on their way home was white noise, just like the cars passing by and the soft chatter on the train. But now, in the silence of what was supposed to be a refuge and safe space, with the smell of rain in the atmosphere and his heart writhing in agony, he fell to pieces.

Trying to be strong only made the crash worse. Trying to make sense of what had happened didn’t ease the pain digging a hole in his chest. Trying to find someone to blame only added confusion to his torment. And so, he choked, gasping for air between sobs as his legs gave out, leaving him sitting on the floor of the foyer.

After crying for what felt like hours, with his back pressed to the wall and his coat still on, Noah dragged himself to his bedroom. He dropped his backpack near the desk and undressed. Swamped in the cloud that fogged his mind, he crawled into bed. Then darkness came.

It wasn’t until late in the evening, when the sky was already painted in navy blue, that Trine’s soft voice woke him up.

“Hey, honey,” she said, touching his shoulder over the thin blanket he kept around for the colder nights. “What are you doing in bed already? Are you sick?” She touched her palm to his forehead, then the back of it.

And for a moment, Noah relaxed. It smelled like vanilla with some floral notes—the hand lotion she’d been using forever. It was a comforting scent.

“Yeah, not doing great.” His voice was so husky he barely recognized it.

“You sound awful. Did you take any paracetamol or ibuprofen?”

Noah shook his head.

“I saw you didn’t make anything for dinner either.”

“Sorry about that.”

She had been working so much. Noah had promised to make dinner for himself and leave some extra in the fridge for her on days she’d be late. But today he didn’t have it in him. The only reason he was still breathing was because it was automatic. If it were up to him, he would have suffocated in the myriad of tears earlier and stopped feeling at all.

Trine chuckled softly. “That’s okay. Just wondering if you may want a bite now?”

“Not hungry.”

“I could make you that cheese sandwich you love so much?” she said, brushing his hair away. The room was dimly lit, with only the hallway light washing over his face, but she most definitely saw his red, puffy eyes. “Have you been puking or... crying?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Noah rolled onto his other side so his back was to her.

“You’ve been so down these past few weeks, and the other day. And now this. I’m worried...”

“We just broke up. Kaj and I.” He clenched his jaw. Kaj’s name burned the tip of his tongue and every nerve in his body. How could hopes and dreams that had never materialized hurt so much?

“What?” Her tone came out strained, and although Noah wasn’t looking at her, he knew her eyebrows were pinched with concern. “Honey, I’m so sorry…” She caressed his hair, slicking it back and tucking it behind his ear, a simple gesture that was reminiscent of better times. “I get it if you don’t wanna talk about it now, but I’m here. Whenever you need me.”

“I know.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

The following weeks were the longest Noah could remember. Time froze, suspended midair, while the rest of the world kept rotating like everything was the same. It was a strange stasis that led nowhere but was better than the riptide of misery pulsing behind his ribs whenever he thought about Kaj.

Val and Theo did everything they could to make it more bearable for him. They texted nonstop, made plans out of the blue, and invaded his house unannounced after class. They also not-so-subtly pulled weird faces and moved in front of Noah if he —Who-Must-Not-Be-Named—was around, which was almost every day, since they went to the same high school.

It hurt seeing him so lonely, wandering in the hallways like a lost soul, even if he didn’t want to talk to either of them—apparently, he’d been an ass to them when they tried. Noah wasn’t going to complain, though. Embarrassed and confused, thinking he wasn’t good enough compared to Jesper, he hadn’t told them what he’d seen, just that they had a huge fight.

Val couldn’t believe it at first. Theo got mad. But they both comforted him, so he wouldn’t push them away now. The last thing he needed was to be left alone in a room with his mind. It was all noise and incoherent words that slithered into his chest, dragging him to the bottom despite how hollow he was.

Later, as summer rolled in, an emptiness like never before assaulted him. Cycling around town. Going to the beach. Snorkeling. Jumping off the cliff. Getting his first tattoo and a second. Concerts. Parties. Although he’d managed to not cross paths with Kaj, nothing made sense anymore. Food didn’t even taste good, and the sounds that used to make him feel warm inside annoyed him now. But for some reason, he was still alive. Alive, sad, and angry. Something he hadn’t realized until the day he had a ridiculous outburst when Mom proposed to go to Malm? together for the weekend—a plan that at a different time would have been fun.

Since then, she’d kept a low profile, just making sure all his needs were covered, trying to talk over dinner and getting mostly monosyllables as a response. Noah felt bad, but he couldn’t find the strength to apologize when the light had been snuffed out of his heart.

Dramatic much . He knew that now, but at the time, his entire world was crumbling around him and there was nothing he could do to stop the disaster. But nothing that year was as painful as not seeing Kaj in school when they returned for eleventh grade.

Gossip said he had been in an accident and was unrecognizable. Others said that he had dropped out and was working. Some said that he’d become a male prostitute and had moved somewhere else, which was highly unlikely since Katja still lived in town, and as far as Noah knew, Kaj had no other relatives—except Jesper.

His stomach constricted, and a mouthful of bile traveled up his esophagus.

But it didn’t matter.

Nothing mattered anymore.

What happened had split his heart in half.

While a part of him had dreamed about never seeing Kaj again, about him being bitter and alone forever, the reality was that Noah was going crazy without him. There were so many things he hadn’t said. So many memories they wouldn’t be able to share. But this untenable situation—the regret that kept clinging to their story—was like a crutch he didn’t want to let go of. He had no idea how he’d walk without it.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into him,” Val had said, concern lacing his voice as he slumped down on his beanbag chair. “I went to his house this past weekend—”

“Without telling me? Or him?” Theo grumbled, pointing a finger at Noah. “Traitor.”

“I don’t mind,” he mumbled, too conflicted to talk. “I mean, he was your friend first.”

That was what he’d said, but inside, Noah was hoping they wouldn’t go back to normal, because that would mean he’d be left without friends. There was no way that after their bitter breakup, Kaj and Noah could be part of the same group.

“I wanted to test the waters alone before telling you anything,” Val continued.

“Whatever.”

“Anyway, I told him that even though things have been weird between us for the past few months and all that, he could still talk to us if he needed to vent or something, but he shut the door in my face.”

“You seriously thought that if he wasn’t answering our texts, he would talk to you in person?” Theo scoffed, crossing his arms. “He clearly isn’t interested in being part of our lives anymore.”

To an outsider, it might have looked like he didn’t care about Kaj or the fact that he was nowhere to be found, but for anyone who knew him well, it was easy to see that he was hurt and fucking afraid. But Theo had never been good at expressing his emotions.

“I had to try. I was worried, you know? And the fact that he left town like this without even saying goodbye... It’s not like him.”

“Do we even know him anymore?”

The worst day of all had been Noah’ seventeenth birthday, though. It would have been two years since the kiss that changed it all. Then Christmas. And Valentine’s Day. And spring break. And every other fucking day that reminded him of the deepest adoration and the loss. The heartbreak.

The only thing that helped him keep his shit together was music, his first true love, the one who never lied and never hurt.

Aside from resuming his singing lessons at the start of twelfth grade, Noah was also learning to play the piano. He was going four hours per week. His teacher was impressed with his pitch and exceptional musical memory. It had always been like that. Although he worked really hard, he was a fast learner when it came to music. But having a professional encourage him made him truly believe he could do anything he put his mind to. And now, he had a clear goal: getting into the Royal College of Music in the UK, one of the best in the world, which would allow him to experience living abroad, too.

Luckily, with his extracurricular lessons, the gym, classes, and his part-time job, another year passed in a blur. His eighteens, along with the last year of school, slipped through his fingers.

He’d been drifting in a sea of numbness and brief moments of clarity for a long while. But once he and the guys moved to Roskilde to go to H?jskole, faint rays of sun shone in his cloudy sky. Finally . They were one step closer to turning their dreams into reality.

“Yo, asshole!” Theo snapped, bumping Noah’s leg with his knee. “I called this bed.”

“You should have been faster then.” He shrugged with an unapologetic grin and laid down, crossing his arms under his head.

“You’re so getting it!” Theo launched himself at Noah with so much force that he rolled to the other side when they grappled, landing face down on the floor. Noah roared with laughter.

“And this is just the beginning.” Trine sighed, dropping a box on Val’s bed. “I feel so sorry for you.” She patted his back.

“I feel sorry for myself, too.” He chuckled.

Of course Trine was helping them. There was no way she’d have allowed her baby boy to leave the nest and not be here to witness every step he took toward his independence. Not that she was going too far, though. Since she had nothing left in her hometown—no family, no friends—she’d sold her parents’ house and found one in a town halfway between Roskilde and Copenhagen. It needed some work, but she saw it as a project—a fresh start alongside her new job as a makeup artist at a photography studio in the capital. Noah had no idea how she would make it all work, but to each their own.

“Are you really gonna be this noisy all the fucking time?” Val protested.

“Probably.”

“Who knows.”

“Why am I even friends with you guys?” Val mumbled to himself, tucking a blond lock away from his face.

“Okay, I think it’s time for me to go, boys.” Nostalgia shone in Trine’s eyes as she hugged each one of them. “You call me if you need anything, alright?” she said, cupping and pressing Noah’s cheeks, making his lips pout.

“Mom...” he said, embarrassed. “We’re not that far, and yes, we’ll call if we need anything.”

“You better.” She hugged him again, reluctantly letting go before grabbing her bag and leaving to let them unpack.

It was fleeting, but Noah felt a twinge of pain in his chest. He wanted this, and he was truly excited about it, but not sharing a space with his mom anymore, moving on, it made him a little sad at the same time. Until Theo bitch-slapped his head with a pillow.

“Earth to Noah!”

“Shithead!” He laughed.

Since they had all chosen arts to study—Val was going for photography, Theo for design, and Noah for music—and had managed to get into the same school, it was only reasonable that they shared a bedroom, too. Obviously .

Of course, learning and settling some solid bases in whatever field they were interested in was important. But the whole idea of this new stage in their lives was also to build on responsibility, tolerance, and community. Social life was as essential as the technical part, and who was better for that than Val and Theo? Well, them and the other twelve students living on the same floor.

Their room, in particular, had three large single beds with nightstands between each. Cork paneling lined the space above their headboards—a perfect place to display their photos and music posters. Val’s bed was closest to the entrance, Theo’s was in the middle, and Noah’s was by the window, where rays of sun played with the branches of the tree outside, painting abstract shadows over his sheets.

The closets were on the opposite wall, and linoleum that mimicked concrete covered the floors, adding a modern air that contrasted with the cozy blue, grey, and white color palette. The privacy their room offered was perfect for small gatherings, and whatever other nocturnal plans Val and Theo had—there was a list. The shared tea kitchen, lounge area, and five bathrooms—one for every two to three students—were decent, too.

The eighteen residents were separated into two and three-person rooms, but they all were supposed to live together like one big family, dividing everyday chores and helping each other with any projects during their stay.

Noah was excited about everything ahead of him. They were situated right between the train station and some festival grounds, with the Ragnarock museum nearby, too. Not to mention all the cultural, historical, and natural sites surrounding the area. If this didn’t inspire their creativity, nothing else would.

However, he expected to be more enthusiastic.

The anticipation during the summer, while they were getting ready to move and start this new chapter, had been huge, bubbling inside him like a volcano about to erupt. Val and Theo were clearly riding on the crest of the thrill, talking and giggling like schoolgirls as they found places for all their belongings. But for Noah, it was as if the entire world had been painted in greyscale.

Although he didn’t want to admit it aloud, he knew why. The reason his smile didn’t reach his eyes, and his laughter didn’t get to a painful point anymore had a first and last name, and they were both branded on his heart—rough, fibrous tissue that now covered what used to be a bleeding wound.

It had been a long time since he last saw or talked to Kaj, yet both the love and the betrayal still stung. Maybe it was because Kaj had been his first. Or maybe it was that he hadn’t met anyone who made him feel anything remotely close to what he had felt for Kaj. That flutter in his stomach or the throb in his pants. His body had turned off, sticking to the basics to keep him alive. Pretending pain didn’t flog his mind every now and then, sometimes transforming mental distress into physical discomfort, had become a habit. But he had made peace with this neurotic side of him. Kaj was a part of him, and he always would be.

He questioned whether breaking up had been the best decision, though. But no matter how much he missed him some days or how much he longed for the life they’d pictured together, deep down, Noah knew he wouldn’t have been happy caught in a web of lies where he wasn’t the only one.

“Noah?” Val called, bringing him back. “Are you okay?”

“Hm?” He clenched his jaw, fingers tightening on the hoodie he was holding. He’d frozen in front of his closet. “Yes, I’m good.”

“You sure? You seemed absent-minded,” Theo noted.

“No, yeah. I’m fine. Just kinda nostalgic.”

“I get that.” Val nodded as he sat on his bed. “I already miss the crazy shitshow my family is.”

“I can’t say the same,” Theo added. “But I sure as hell am gonna miss having a bedroom all to myself. The idea of listening to you shit or hearing you moan while choking the chicken is appalling.”

“Says the fucking princess who shits roses and rainbows.” Noah tossed the hoodie inside the closet and grabbed a pillow, smacking him in the face with it.

“You don’t wanna start a fight,” Theo said, his tone challenging.

“Are you daring me?”

“You bet I am, fuckface!”

Noah was about to lunge at him, feeling slightly lighter again, but a knock on their open door distracted him.

“Hey,” a dude with hazel eyes said. “We’re... your neighbors,” he added hesitantly, flicking his finger between himself and the dark-haired guy beside him as they stared.

“Oh, hey! I’m Theo,” he greeted, walking over to them. “This is Val and Noah.” He gestured in their direction.

“Nice to meet you,” they both said in unison.

“I’m Zacharias, Zach to friends. And this is Mads.”

“Hey.”

“Just wanted to tell you that the others are talking about going out tonight to get to know each other a little and all that.” Zach flashed a perfectly aligned, white-toothed smile.

He gave off Viking vibes. His long blond hair was in a ponytail with the sides shaved, and he had a tattoo peeking out of the neck of his tee that reminded Noah of a serpent’s head, like the ones carved at a drakkar’s front.

“That sounds good to me.” Val nodded, side-glancing at his friends.

“Yeah, sure,” Noah said.

Zach’s grin widened as his eyes locked on Noah’s. “Awesome! Meet us in the lounge at six.