If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Fifteen

Instead of one short course or a single semester, Noah had enrolled for nine months to learn in depth about music theory, songwriting, composition, and even production.

His time wasn’t spent solely on studying, though. There was so much to do here. Talks and workshops were available every Friday, not to mention the parties. They had them often. Some were wilder than others, like at Halloween when they all helped build a horror house. But he always had fun.

Before he even realized it, time had flown by. Not only was he doing something he was so passionate about, but life was so fucking good here. It had shown the introvert in him that the outside world wasn’t so bad, especially when the people in it matched his weirdness.

Like Zach.

He looked stoic with his strong, stubbled jaw, elegant gait, broad frame, and mountain-like height. But then he was the cutest thing with the attention span of a puppy, save for anything related to music. When the conversations were about music, he was all ears and enthusiasm, which Noah appreciated so much. He was learning a lot from him.

“Show me what you’ve got,” Zach said, lying down on his bed with his arms folded under his head, one calf resting over his knee.

“Okay…” Noah mumbled, biting the inside of his cheek as he double-clicked on the file icon in the middle of his screen.

Beginning with eerie synthetic sounds that moved back and forth, gradually building to a distortion, ominous drums established the rhythm for what he envisioned would become a dark, epic composition.

Noah cleared his throat.

Throughout his life, he’d listened to a wide variety of styles, from classical, jazz, and rock to, of course, metal, but this was the first time he’d stepped out of his comfort zone. He was not only trying to compose, but to create something more symphonic, like a film soundtrack. Something that made your skin tingle and your heart thump when you listened to it.

“In this part, I’d like to introduce a female’s voice. Ethereal and ‘ancient’ sounding that grows alongside the melody, getting somewhat operatic... here,” he said when the bass drum hit for the first time. “I was thinking about Astrid. She has an insane range, and I think her timbre with mine would blend beautifully.”

Zach said nothing, just continued moving his foot in time with the rhythm, eyes closed as he listened attentively.

Noah didn’t know how to take his silence. Zach had been studying music since he was five. He was ridiculously talented at several instruments—cello, piano, guitar—and songwriting. Guess that being God’s favorite and having two musicians as parents helped. So, this definitely made him feel nervous as fuck.

Noah was supposed to turn in twenty minutes of original music as a portfolio for his college application. He loved singing and didn’t plan on letting that go any time soon, but he’d wanted to try something that could expand his possibilities of getting a job in the industry, so he was going for composition and production.

He’d been working on the structure of his suite for weeks, sketching and writing everything for the six movements—the whole orchestration, where the peaks, breaks, bridge, and interludes should go, where the rhythm or tempo changes should happen. It was taking him longer than he would have liked as he had only recorded the atmospheric background sound, the drums, and the piano melody. He still had a long way to go and people to ask for help. While technology was wild nowadays, and DAWs had crazy orchestral libraries that would allow him to do everything on his laptop, he aspired to record each instrument in the studio.

Maybe he was trying to do too much. He didn’t have experience composing—his silly acoustic guitar ramblings didn’t count—and this production thing was new to him. But for the first time in his life, he felt like he could really let his imagination fly, and he wasn’t going to let his insecurities stop him.

As the recording ended, dead silence settled in the room.

“That was sick!” Zach said as he sat up, startling him.

“You think?”

“Yeah. I mean, you’ve barely been doing it for what, two days?”

“Well, I’ve been playing guitar since I was eleven and piano for a little over a year now?”

“That’s what I’m saying. Most people need years of classical training and composition before they do anything as good as that. You’re a natural, Noah.”

He chuckled. “I think you’re exaggerating, but I’ll take the praise.”

“Do it. Because this is just the bones and it already sounds incredible.” He nodded, clapping. “Now, tell me I’m not crazy. Did I hear some Hans Zimmer inspiration in there?”

Mostly Hiroyuki Sawano , Noah thought to himself, not wanting his geekiest side to come out here. He had been obsessed with what that man did since he’d watched Shingeki no Kyojin . And while he was aware he still had so much to learn before he could even dream of doing something the slightest bit similar, he was so moved by that OST he couldn’t help himself.

“You’re not crazy.”

“I knew it! But I love your personal twist to it.”

“What else are you planning for this?” Zach asked, motioning to Noah’s laptop.

“I was actually hoping you’d help me with the cello?”

“Fuck, yes! Haven’t played in a while, but count me in. Though, I’d want you to do me a favor in return.” Zach wiggled his brows.

“I’m not gonna fuck you.”

This guy had no filter when drunk, and he liked to drink a lot , but Noah had figured Zach’s innuendos, playfulness, and constant eye-fucking were just part of his flirty nature that unleashed when alcohol was involved. After the fourth time, though, he’d talked to him. Not because he felt uncomfortable with the hints thrown his way, but because he wanted to make things clear.

The conversation had been a little awkward. Zach confessed that although he was a scoundrel, he was really into him, which had sent an electric shock up Noah’s spine. It was so flattering. He was really handsome, and Noah liked his laid-back attitude. He was fun, generous, honest, and his smile illuminated every room he entered. He was so easy and comfortable to be around.

It could be the way he made him laugh, their shared passion for music, or how soothing he found Zach’s presence, but there was definitely a connection that sparked his interest. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt like this with another man.

Except he did, and it fucking hurt.

But he was ready to move on with his life. However, he had never fucked or been fucked. Wasn’t sure whether he’d rather bottom or top. The simple thought of going down that road unnerved him for some reason.

“Why not?” He pouted. “You said it yourself. I’m hot. If you’re scared because it’s the first time, I can teach you. Or are you considering letting me fuck you?”

“Thank you for the offer, but you’ll have to find someone else.”

“It’s not like I’m celibate.” He chuckled with a shrug. “I just want your dick up my ass while you moan in my ear.”

“Shut up!” Noah laughed, shaking his head.

“If it’s not sex, I want you to sing for me then.”

“What?”

“I’m also working on a project, you know? And I want you to be my vocalist.”

“Oh, okay. That I can do.”

“Deal.” Zach grinned. “Anyway”—he reclined on his bed again, crossing his legs at the ankles—“tell me, what else are you gonna do with your piece?”

“I was wondering if Mads might join too…” Noah twisted his mouth.

“With the violin?”

“Yes. But I get the feeling he hates me.”

Zach snorted, waving a hand dismissively. “He doesn’t hate you.”

“Then why is he so tense whenever I’m around?”

He had watched Mads from a distance, and while he wasn’t all smiles, he was usually relaxed and talkative. Unless Noah was anywhere near him. They had barely shared a few words, so there was no way he could have said anything offensive to him, right?

“He’s just a little withdrawn with people he doesn’t know. Besides, his grandma is not doing well lately, so he’s extra cranky.”

“I didn’t know about that…”

“Yeah. He doesn’t talk about it. Or anything personal, really. I only know he has a boyfriend because when I asked him who was looking after her while he was here, he told me that. During the first couple of weeks, I would have sworn he was just an alien that was here to study our species, but he’s quite friendly.”

Noah laughed at that. This guy was something else. “So… you think he’ll say yes?”

“No idea. And as nice as he is, he’s also weird as fuck. But if you don’t ask him, you’ll never know.”

“True.”

“Who’s your second option if he says no?”

“I haven’t thought of anyone. He’s so…”

“Charming? Magnetic? Hypnotizing?”

“All the above. And I want him to play the violin for me.”

“Guess you’ll have to make him an offer he can’t deny, then!” Zach smiled and flung his legs off the bed. “Now, it’s a Friday, and it’s your fucking nineteenth birthday—Val and Theo told me,” he said as he approached, leaning forward to wrap an arm around Noah’s shoulders. “Remind me again why we’re not getting drunk and celebrating?”

“Because—”

“Stop with the excuses. We’re all going out.”

“Who?” Noah asked as Zach shoved his laptop against his chest and pushed him out of the bedroom.

“Val, Theo, and the rest of the guys.”

“You had it planned all along, huh?”

“Your besties know you too well. Said you wouldn’t do shit for your birthday because you’re a pussy who’d rather crawl into bed and watch movies until you fall asleep. But that’s not happening here. So, we reserved the VIP area at Stigmata. Now take off those worn-out sweats and put on your best skinny jeans. We’ll meet in the lounge in thirty.” Grinning, Zach shut his door in Noah’s face.

And they did party. Hard.

After two days of avoiding everyone, Noah finally left his bedroom.

He wasn’t ashamed of anything that had happened on Friday—not of throwing up his guts or falling on his face in the middle of the street—but his social battery was drained. He was trying to come out of his shell, but no matter how fun the night was, he got easily overwhelmed in those situations. The noises. The amount of people. Being cramped and pushed. He didn’t completely hate it in small doses, but listening to others’ stories for hours, without a second to isolate himself from the loud music and incessant chatter in the background, was too much sometimes. The weekend hangover didn’t help. Thankfully for him, Val and Theo were equally destroyed, so they barely talked.

Yawning for the tenth time in the last fifteen minutes, Noah dragged himself out of the bedroom. He was hungry as fuck because he’d been so sick for the past few days he couldn’t even eat. On top of that, he was cranky because he needed all the liters of coffee, and although the tea kitchen was just a few steps away, it felt so far.

But all the fatigue and sleepiness drowning his will to live faded as soon as he saw Mads. He was sitting at the table by the window, the faint glow of the sun edging his face as he looked outside, sipping from his mug.

“Morning,” Noah said, throat sore. Fuck . His voice was his best instrument. He needed to take better care of it.

“Hey.” Mads tipped his head. “Rough night?”

“Not really. But Friday was.” Noah opened one of the cabinets to grab his own mug.

“Can’t handle your alcohol well, I see.”

“I just overdid it a bit. Apparently, birthdays are an excuse for that.” He sat across from him, grabbing the coffee pot and pouring himself some. “How was your weekend?”

“Good.”

“Cool.”

Silence settled in the room like the awkward kid that made everything uncomfortable.

He seemed nice when interacting with others and was a fucking violin virtuoso, but with Noah, it was all tense courtesy. If he let him, Noah would follow him to the end of the world. No grounds of physical or sexual interest, though. Mads was good-looking, elegant, and slender, but he usually liked them more... built .

There was no denying he admired his musical skills, though. How effortlessly he’d play just about any piece and transport you to a parallel universe, floating as if trapped in a dream. It was breathtaking, otherworldly even.

Noah bit his bottom lip, looking at him from the corner of his eye. They were alone, relaxing over a cup of coffee. Maybe he could ask if he would lend him his talent now. He wouldn’t get a better chance since, save for Zach, they had different friends. What did he have to lose?

“Mads?”

“Hm?” He side-glanced at him, sipping from his mug again.

“I... I’m going to use this time to prepare my audition for uni, and I’m writing this twenty-minute track, divided into six movements. It’s still in the first stages, and I don’t have it all figured out yet,” he rambled. “I know you’re probably hella busy trying to get into the Royal Danish Academy of Music, but you’re the best musician around here. So, I was wondering if... you’d help me?”

Mads didn’t answer, but his face visibly twisted in confusion, soft wrinkles appearing between his eyebrows.

“I wanna add a violin part to it,” Noah elaborated.

“Oh.”

“So... is that something you would be interested in?”

His eyes briefly narrowed on Noah, and then, for the first time since they’d started living here, Mads offered him a faint smile. It was warm, but also looked exhausted, charged with understanding, sadness, and other conflicting emotions Noah didn’t decipher then.

“Can you send me what you have so far?”

“Yeah, sure. Of course.”

Mads chuckled softly. “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to accept, though.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“It’s not only that I’m busy, but I...” He shook his head, a shadow casting over his face. “I’ll think about it.”

“Okay.” Noah frowned, confused. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Mads stood up and washed his mug in silence, a dreadful sensation falling heavy between them. Then he left, offering a quick nod and a dry “later .”

The following Sunday, he got his answer—a negative one. Mads said he was busy with his own classes and some issues at home, and didn’t want to commit when he wasn’t sure if he’d have the time. He also mentioned something about not wanting to betray people, which Noah didn’t understand—Mads was an enigma, seriously. But he still made some suggestions that enhanced the drums section and introduced him to another guy because he knew he’d be happy to help.

Noah had no idea why social interactions were so awkward with Mads, feeling so hot and cold at the same time. They were both adults with similar interests, at least regarding music. It should be easier to relate. In another life they would probably be friends.

It remained a conundrum, until a key player made his appearance on New Year’s Eve.