If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Sixteen

Another Saturday night, another party.

Although he always had a good time, Noah was unsure why he accepted invitations to go out when some days all he wanted to do was binge-watch a series and eat junk food. But most of all, he wondered how he was still alive. The amount of beer and whiskey he’d been drinking lately was probably morphing his blood into alcohol.

Guess you’re only young once.

“Jesus, is it me or is it hot in here?” Noah asked as he pressed his cold glass to his forehead, interrupting his friend’s conversation.

“I’m fine.” Val shrugged.

“It has to be the stupid leather,” he insisted, leaning his elbows over his knees to get away from the back of the couch they’d monopolized since they stopped dancing like maniacs an hour ago.

“Just drink.” Val grabbed the hand holding his glass and brought it to his lips. “It’ll cool you down.”

“So, anyway, as I was saying,” Theo started again, taking a swig of his rum and cola. “You see those two over there?” He tipped his chin, pointing at the girls grinding against each other under the dance floor’s flashing pink and green lights. They went to the same school as them.

“Nina and Stephanie? What about them?” he asked, bobbing his head in time with the beats of “The Beautiful People” by Marilyn Manson blasting through the massive speakers.

Noah was lightheaded as his eyes roamed over the space before them, and his heart was beating a mile a minute, but everything around him was so pretty he couldn’t even worry about that. The laughter. The smiles on everyone’s faces. His friends. The two best fucking humans walking on Earth . And they were here with him.

“We’re probably gonna bring them home tonight.”

“ We ?” Noah froze, turning to look at Val, who smirked. “You know it’s one room and not a house, right?”

“Technicalities.” Theo waved a hand. “You know what I mean.”

“And why don’t you go to their room instead?”

“Their third roommate is being a pain in the ass about it and doesn’t wanna move somewhere else.”

“And I’m supposed to?” Noah quirked an eyebrow.

It didn’t happen every weekend, but it wouldn’t be the first time they brought someone to spend the night and screw them with the others in the room, these girls included—they’d been fooling around with them for a few weeks. He had the theory they actually liked being heard and seen while at it. Because, even though they tried to keep it low and weren’t too obvious about it, like fucking them doggie style or against the wall, they never held back, either. So, he didn’t understand why they were telling him this now.

“Yes?” Val said.

“And why would I do that?”

“Unless you wanna watch, film it, or join the party, I don’t think you want to be there.” Theo shrugged. “But if you stay, as much as I love you, keep your hands away from me, please. You’re not my type at all.” He laughed.

Okay, not a theory anymore. They were into exhibitionism, maybe sharing, too. Noah wasn’t about to judge them. He had kinks, too, but being kicked out of his own room so they could do whatever they wanted? That wasn’t fun.

“What the fuck? Are you for real now?”

“It’s not like you’ll spend the night in the street. I bet Zach would be more than happy to take you in.” Val grinned mischievously.

“Mads is over at his grandma’s, so you’d have a free bed to sleep in... unless you want to share his,” Theo added.

Noah snorted as a wave of heat traveled straight into his dick.

He wanted to attribute his horniness to the disinhibition caused by the drugs, but if he had to be honest, his attraction to that man had increased exponentially during the last couple of weeks. It could be the lack of physical contact over the past two years, or the fact that Zach’s sex appeal was so fucking loud it was hard to ignore.

“Sneaky bastards.”

“Come on!” Theo bumped his shoulder playfully. “I still don’t understand how you can like dick over pussy, but it’s alright if you’re into him.”

“More than alright,” Val noted, wrapping an arm around his neck and bringing their temples together. “It’s been ages since you’ve hooked up with anyone that we know of. We’d be beyond happy if you got to fuck someone into next Sunday for a change. Because, demi or not, you gotta admit there’s some chemistry there.”

“And here I thought I wasn’t that obvious.” Noah chuckled. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t be mad at these assholes.

“We’ve known each other for eight years, dude.”

“Which reminds me, I may need to look for new friends.”

“You won’t find anyone better than us,” Theo said.

“Touché!”

The night moved forward, filled with psychedelic lights, industrial metal music, laughter, and a few more drinks. Noah hated not having any control over the words pouring out of his mouth, but the warmth spreading inside him like wildfire was so pleasant, he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t try this again. The euphoria. The unfamiliar desire to touch and kiss everyone in the immediate vicinity. The sense of floating and being present at the same time. He hadn’t felt so good in a long while. Confident and bold enough to break his celibacy and any promises he’d ever made.

The last sip of whiskey had him pretty fucked up, though, sweaty and slightly agitated, on the verge of unconsciousness. Only after he threw up in the bathroom did he start to come back to his senses. The winter breeze outside probably helped, too.

Sensing that the club was nearing closing time, Noah took his phone out of his coat to see it was only one-thirty in the morning. So, unless his body metabolized the Molly fast, he could already be halfway through the high.

As he came back inside to look for his friends, he found them in the middle of some foreplay bullshit conversation with the girls. It was time for him to beat it.

Alone and somewhat anxious for his return to Roskilde, he didn’t say goodbye and strode toward K?benhavn station, hoping to catch the two o’clock train. He texted his friends to let them know he’d left, and then Zach.

Hey you

Still awake?

Pretty much

Killing some monsters here at the Nexus

What you up to?

I’m in Copenhagen

Coming back now

Mads there?

Nope. And thank fuck

He wouldn’t let me play so late

He’s worse than my mom

Can I sleep there?

Hahahaha of course

An hour later, Noah was taking a shower to get rid of the cold sweat coating his skin. He cleansed his mouth and packed a small bag for the night and Sunday, just in case those assholes wouldn’t let him come back. It was three in the morning when he knocked on Zach’s door.

“Hello, stranger!” He leaned on the doorframe with a stupid grin on his face and a pair of dangerously revealing sweats hanging low on his hips.

Why isn’t he wearing boxers?

“Hey…” Noah gave him a quick nod and walked past him into the room.

“Jesus, you’re fucking high, aren’t you?” Zach chuckled.

“Why would you say that?”

“Your pupils are blown, dude.”

“It’s fading.” He plopped down on Mads’s bed and let his bag thud against the floor, wondering if asking to spend the night with this man had been a good choice.

He was just entering the afterglow phase, already feeling calmer and cozy inside. But he was still hypersensitive, even more so now that he was locked in a room alone with Zach.

Something in the way his friend smelled tickled his nose and traveled straight to his balls whenever their shoulders brushed. He was wearing glasses, his hair in a messy bun, and his jaw was covered in a light stubble that made Noah weak. Like he could actually fall on his knees in front of him and follow any command without hesitation.

“So... just to be sure of your intentions, to what do I owe the honor?”

“Huh?” Noah shook his head to clear out his wayward thoughts and looked at Zach, who was sitting cross-legged on his bed.

“You, in my bedroom.”

“Oh! Val and Theo kicked me out. Sorry.”

Zach shook his head as if to say it was alright. “What are they up to? You’re usually like conjoined triplets, the three of you.”

“They’re probably gonna be fucking all night long.”

“Each other?” His brows raised. “I thought they were straight.”

“They’re bringing Nina and Stephanie back. That’s gonna be a fucking bacchanal, I tell you.”

“And why aren’t we joining them?”

Noah rolled his eyes, suddenly annoyed and a little dizzy. “They’re my friends. I don’t wanna be part of that. You can go when they come back if you want. I’ll just stay here and sleep it off.”

“Okay.” Zach let out a laugh. “Wanna sleep then?”

“Not really.”

“A movie?”

“Sure.”

Zach stood up. “Gonna grab some water and fruit—”

“Fruit?”

“It’ll do you good while you come down from whatever shit you’ve taken.”

“Molly,” Noah blurted.

It was subtle, but his friend’s eyes sparkled with interest for a second. “Well, you need to rehydrate, and the healthy sugar in fruit will also help you feel less shitty tomorrow.”

“Okay, yeah. Whatever.”

“Gonna go get that”—he pointed outside as he opened the door—“you pick the movie.”

Scrolling through the folder where Zach had way too many illegally downloaded movies, Noah stopped at one he hadn’t watched in a while but was definitely a favorite of his— Seven . It was violent, disturbing, and smart. Even the action scenes were compelling and not just some commercial bullshit created solely to shock the audience. Not to mention how magnificent Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt’s acting was. David Fincher was a genius when it came to elevating and twisting the mystery to the level of moral provocation, like he did with Fight Club and Zodiac , too.

Once Zach returned, they settled together on his bed, shoulder to shoulder, with their backs against the headboard and his laptop over the folding bed table. After an eerie intro that slid into Detective Lt. William Somerset’s room before diving directly into a crime scene, the movie started.

It wasn’t the first time they’d done this, and maybe it was because he knew every minute of this film like the back of his hand, or because he was restless as fuck, but Noah couldn’t focus on it. Zach’s warmth, the way his jaw moved as he chewed, the way his throat worked as he swallowed... everything about him was too distracting.

He was a bit ashamed of the filthy things he had been thinking a couple of hours earlier, but they were piling up, fighting to come to the conscious side of his brain again.

Noah drank some water and tossed some blackberries in his mouth. It was stupid. Zach wouldn’t care if he knew. On the contrary, he would probably use it to his advantage. But now that the effects of the drug were wearing off and Noah was more aware of his surroundings, he was feeling insecure. It had been too long since he’d kissed, jerked, or sucked anyone. He had never actually fucked, for fuck’s sake! Wasn’t even sure he knew how to flirt. With Kaj... it all had flowed naturally. Where would he start now?

“This part is so gross,” Zach commented as they reached the sin of sloth scene.

“Uh... ehm, yeah.” Noah blinked several times, trying to clear the fog clouding his mind.

Zach frowned, scrutinizing Noah’s face. “You good?”

“Mm-hmm. Just a little weird. Never tried Molly before.”

Zach chuckled. “It’s definitely a trip. The first time I took one full pill, I was hallucinating for a bit, nothing wild, but the perception of myself belonged in some fucked up Alice in Wonderland dimension.”

“How so?”

“In my head, I pictured and fucking felt my entire body moving and separating in bubbles. Like those lava lamps, you know? But it was so good, somehow.”

“What the fuck?” Noah laughed.

“I know, right?” Zach grinned. “I spent most of the night hugging everyone around me, too.”

“Done that. Yeah.”

Zach’s eyes narrowed slightly, darkening with an intensity he’d never seen before. “And I was horny as fuck.”

Noah swallowed.

“The sex was mind-blowing, like swimming in a pool of warm orgasmic water.”

Noah remained silent, looking at him. He was being dragged somewhere unknown, and while a part of him was afraid that unraveling the mystery would ruin the fantasies, the other was more than ready to jump. It wasn’t the first time Noah felt the air in the room thicken when they were together. But tonight, electricity sparked, rattling his insides when his eyes flicked to his friend’s mouth.

He wanted Zach to touch him.

He was dying to touch him back.

He needed his lips all over him.

On his own. On his neck. His chest. His abdomen. On his dick.

As if he’d read his mind, Zach leaned in slowly. Noah’s eardrums were about to explode. Everything in him was buzzing. But instead of getting what he was craving, Zach offered a crooked grin and moved away.

Noah was so confused when his friend took the folding bed table and placed it on the floor, that he didn’t see it coming the moment Zach straddled his lap and smashed their mouths together. He stiffened, looking at Zach wide-eyed as his tongue grazed over his lips and authoritative hands held his face in place. Panic flooded his system for a fraction of a second. But then, when his brain finally received the correct signals, he surrendered.

Opening his mouth, their tongues brushed against each other, rolling in perfect sync. Noah raised his palms from Zach’s thighs and weaved greedy fingers through his silky hair. He loved how enthusiastic, shameless, and fierce Zach was. His warm, firm body. The way his stubble scraped his skin as they tilted their heads. How he wasn’t afraid to take what he wanted without an ounce of vacillation. It was exhilarating to be desired with such raw passion.

However, it was different than he expected it to be.

Noah had never been kissed by anyone other than Kaj. They’d been quite clumsy at first, but time and intimacy had allowed them to master this art. It used to be so full of emotions, sensuality, and a deep-rooted appetite that Noah always ended up breathless. With Zach, though, his heart was drumming in his chest and his skin tingling with lust, but he was calm. Calmer than he had ever imagined he’d be. And it wasn’t because this man wasn’t skillful. Damn, he was an amazing kisser, and the way his hips were grinding on Noah’s lap, loud about what he wanted to do with the rock-hard cock throbbing between them, had Noah melting under him.

But, apparently, tonight wasn’t the night. As horny as he was, as bad as he needed a release, his dick was being stubborn and wouldn’t get fully erect.

“Zach…” Noah panted, pulling away slightly. “I-I can’t do this.”

“What do you mean?” Concern filled those beautiful hazel eyes.

“I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I fucking want this. Been thinking about you all night. But my cock isn’t, you know… cooperating right now,” he said, lowering his gaze as his hands gripped the front of Zach’s long-sleeved tee. He was so frustrated.

“That’s all?”

“Yeah, what else would it be? You’ve been pestering me nonstop for weeks”—he flashed him a teasing grin—“I’m finally ready to give in to your ridiculous witchery, and I can’t fucking do it?” He huffed.

Zach cackled, tossing his head back. “First, I haven’t pestered anyone, you love having all my attention,” he said matter-of-factly when he eased out of his laughter—he was damn right. “And second, don’t worry so much. That’s just some of the shitty side effects of what you took before.”

“I was hard three hours ago for no fucking reason.”

“Yeah, when I’m high on Molly, I get boners that can last for hours , yet I won’t be able to come for two business days. But when it starts fading, everything goes limp and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Oh. Okay, okay…”

“We don’t need to fuck tonight, Noah. There are more things we can do.” Zach smirked, rocking his hips ever so slightly and pushing his still solid cock against his abs.

“You mean, I can…”

Zach licked Noah’s lips, then said, “Been dreaming about your mouth wrapped around my dick for way too long.”

Noah gripped his hair and brought him down for another ravaging kiss. He nipped, sucked, and explored every corner of him with his hands and tongue, indulging in the eagerness of this man as he pulled his hoodie off, then his own T-shirt.

Soon enough, Zach was completely naked, lying on his back with his thick cock buried in Noah’s throat.

It tasted like... a penis. Skin with a dash of saltiness. Different from what he remembered, yet oddly familiar at the same time. The soap scent accompanied by perfectly trimmed pubic hair was a delight. No wonder Zach was so popular. Who wouldn’t want to get him in their mouth?

Noah bobbed his head, taking breaks to suck the engorged tip and tongue the slit before he pushed him all the way back once more. He wasn’t sure he remembered how to do this properly. Was he going too fast? Too slow? Was his technique good enough? He felt like a newbie all over again, but Zach didn’t seem to have any complaints as he rolled Noah’s low ponytail in his hand and moaned unabashedly just a few minutes in.

“Holy shit!” he gritted, thrusting up as their eyes locked. “I should have forced you to do this before. Fucking Jesus Christ!”

Noah sighed around him, fisting his dick and slacking his jaw enough to take him deeper. Moving his hand in time with his head, tongue sliding flat along rigid flesh, he felt the exact moment Zach peaked. His back arched, and he trembled through his climax as Noah swallowed every drop.

When he let him go and crawled up the bed to lie beside him, Zach rolled on his side. He smiled, eyes hooded, equally lustful and exhausted. They kissed again, languidly and for so long that Noah’s lips burned.

This man was too beautiful to be true.