If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Seventeen

As days passed on the calendar, Noah began to feel more confident again. That nothing changed between him and Zach had played its part, too.

They continued fooling around but mostly remained friends. While they were working on their projects or hanging out with colleagues, neither of them tossed sexual innuendos. What they were doing was an open secret though, as they’d been caught coming out of rooms disheveled or the bathroom after showering together.

They’d agreed to be exclusive, but they had an expiration date. If everything worked for Noah, he would be heading for the UK in less than a year, and they both concurred long distance relationships didn’t work, so there were no demands or expectations for the future, which made sex that much better. And holy fuck, Noah loved every second they’d spent tangled around each other.

He’d only been with one person besides this man, but Zach... he definitely had some experience. Noah was more than happy with that.

Zach wasn’t only the sexiest thing when asking for what he wanted and instructing him on how to do it to maximize the pleasure, he was also an incredibly attentive lover. It didn’t matter if they just used their hands or their mouths, whatever they did had Noah coming hard and way too fast every damn time. He also granted him the patience and space he needed to get comfortable taking their new dynamic to the next level, which honestly wasn’t much, because Noah soon found himself wanting more.

It freaked him out at first because he had never felt anything like this for anyone who wasn’t Kaj. Was he ready to let go of the crutch that had helped him walk since they broke up? It was foreign to still be hurting over a future he never got to live while feeling like the scars weren’t so red and swollen anymore.

It’d already happened. Noah had fucked Zach. In different positions. Several times. Each one better than the last as they learned each other’s bodies.

Tonight, however, it was Noah’s turn to bottom.

They had showered together, then Zach left him alone so he could douche in peace. And here they were now.

“That’s it, keep breathing,” he rasped while fingering Noah’s hole. “You’re so fucking tight. I’m leaking just thinking about how it’s gonna feel.”

They had talked about how Noah wasn’t sure of his preferences. He’d never had penetrative sex before, so he had no idea what he truly liked. When he got fingered, lust strained his cock to the limit. Not to mention the rimming. That shit had him panting so quickly it was embarrassing.

He definitely wanted to try some deeper anal action, but there was a part of him, a feral one he rarely let wander outside, that craved to be in control. That craved to be the one making his partner scream and contort in pleasure. And since they had crossed off everything else from the list, this was the most logical next step.

“Zach, please... Fuck!” Noah begged. He was on all fours with his face pressed to the mattress and his ass up in the air, a thin layer of sweat covering his back. “Either you slam your dick inside me now or you might as well end me like this.”

“Are you seriously bossing me around now?” Zach churned his fingers.

“Shit! Fuck you. Fuck me already. For fuck’s sake! I’m so fucking close.” Noah barely recognized himself and how angry being so desperate made him.

Adding some more lube over Noah’s ass and his sheathed dick, Zach grabbed him by the hips and pressed the tip against his entrance. He pushed inside slowly, stopping as many times as needed so Noah could get used to having a strange object throbbing inside of him. Zach wasn’t a nine inches porn actor, slightly above average, but he was thick . Noah could feel every ring of tight muscle fighting the stretch, only for it to give in a second later. But maybe he was just hyperaware because of the pain. It fucking burned.

Suddenly, the excruciating sensation that was threatening to split him open vanished, and an immeasurable pleasure took over every nerve and cell in his body.

Zach was gentle at first, moving with slow and lazy strokes. A strange mix of pain and carnal fulfillment drowned Noah’s senses, making him dizzy. He wrapped Noah’s hair around his fist while his other hand clutched his hip harder as he picked up the pace. Wet sounds blended with the smell of sex, flooding the room when Noah moved, too. They moaned, panted, grunted, and babbled a bunch of profanities aimed at no one between filthy compliments. Zach’s warmth encapsulating him and his cock drilling into him was overwhelming. Yet there was something that didn’t allow Noah to reach the summit. He jerked himself, and that did it.

“Fuuuck!”

He buried his face in the mattress, shuddering through the violent jolts forcing cum out of him. His lungs struggled to work as his heart hammered in his chest. It was as if his body couldn’t keep up with the never-ending onslaught of aftershocks as Zach continued pounding into him. After some last uneven strokes, though, he finally came, too, collapsing on top of him.

Noah’s legs trembled and his knees slid over the sheets until he was lying face down. He hated that he’d postponed this for so long. Penetrative sex wasn’t the best part of sharing a part of himself with someone else, but it was fucking incredible.

“Jesus, Noah…” Zach pulled out, quickly taking off and throwing the condom into the wastebasket beside his bed. “That was amazing.” He let out a sigh as he lay beside him.

“Agreed.”

“It was good for you, too?”

“Absolutely.”

Zach chuckled. “I hope you let me repeat it soon, then.”

“Mm-hmm,” Noah said, eyelids heavy with sleep.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“It was a yes,” Noah mumbled, making his partner laugh again.

“Good. I’ll sleep on Mads’s bed.” He kissed Noah’s shoulder. “Good night.”

They repeated it, but not for another month, although they continued to satiate their needs in other ways. It wasn’t that Noah hadn’t liked it—he did—but bottoming made him feel too exposed and vulnerable, something he didn’t like. And he hated himself more than ever for it because, despite all the good moments they shared in and out of the bedroom and how generous, honest, and laid-back Zach was, Noah realized he would never fill the hole Kaj had left in his heart.

On Christmas Eve, they prepared dinner and threw a semi-private party. Considering there were over a hundred and something people between students, teachers, and their families, it looked like a wedding, but the cafeteria and auditorium were big enough to fit them all.

The residents of the school took care of all the preparations. It was a bit of a mess since everyone had a different recipe for roast pork, potatoes, and the freaking dessert. So, since the teachers had been the ones buying everything they needed, they divided the other tasks between the five housing groups—for cooking, and decorating what would be the dance floor. They worked like crazy since the early morning, but it ended up being fun.

When the clock hit 7 p.m., everyone was dressed up for the occasion, ready to welcome their families.

Of course, Noah’s mom came, and so did Val’s parents, who also brought his teenage sister and the twins. They were staying in the same hotel. Theo’s parents, however, didn’t show up. His dad was on a business trip, and his mom had been so out of the picture for the last year that he hadn’t even expected her to show up. But he was visibly hurt. Thankfully, Trine had enough love for him, too.

They caught up, ate, and drank, then danced until their feet could take no more. Trine also met Zach—as a friend—and a few other boys and girls Noah and the guys had been spending time with since they’d arrived at Roskilde. But she seemed so infatuated with the Viking and his musical knowledge that she didn’t care much about anything else. No one could blame her, though. He was too attractive and interesting. She even blushed when Theo opened his big mouth and told her that Noah was sleeping with him. That was when he walked away. Having her asking the most bizarre things about his virginity wasn’t what he’d called fun.

Later, mother and son continued their traditional lame duet, singing their hearts out when “You Give Love A Bad Name” by Bon Jovi played in the auditorium. Trine sang off-key more times than not, but like always, she didn’t give a fuck what others thought.

Noah’s grin grew impossibly wider.

She was gorgeous with that burgundy long-sleeved tight dress, black over-the-knee boots, a messy updo, and the brightest smile on her face. The past few years had been so hard on her with moving, losing her mom, and then one of her best friends, on top of being frustrated with her old job. She tried to hide it, acting strong all the time, even when she should have been devastated. It was easy to see, as her eyes had lost their mischievous spark. But tonight, she was glowing. He loved seeing her so full of life again.

After Christmas, the following week felt like a time-lapse, capturing the best of life in a series of images that passed way too fast.

With no classes and most students gone, all Noah did was read, sleep, eat, and repeat. He also spent time with the guys. They went ice skating, watched movies, or simply lazed around together, making good use of their break before the next term started. It was nice to have time for himself, away from so many people and the constant chatter in the lounge area. Although he’d stayed at the dorms to be with them, he met with Trine regularly, but sadly, he didn’t get to see Zach. He was already out of school and visiting his parents. Though they texted and sexted a lot.

Tonight, Val, Theo, and Noah were going out. They’d already had dinner while watching the royal speech and were now getting ready to go to a New Year’s party someone in the dorms had mentioned at the beginning of November. Apparently, it was one of the best in Copenhagen—they couldn’t miss it.

Noah felt a little melancholic, though. It was the first time in his life he would ring in the new year without Trine by his side. It had always been the two of them, no matter what, but some friends from her new job had invited her to a private celebration, and he wanted her to have a life of her own.

She’d been too young when he was born, and he was old enough to handle himself now. He wanted her to enjoy at least one night without having to think she was a mother first. He wanted her to be free and irresponsible, get drunk and maybe even hook up with someone. So he’d told her she should go alone, that she didn’t need to worry about him. And she probably was ignoring the last part, but she’d listened—for once.

Standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, Noah tied his hair in a low ponytail. He looked pretty decent in a black turtleneck shirt and a pair of chocolate brown chinos that hugged his ass nicely. He loved how, despite his tattooed forearms and two others that weren’t visible unless he was naked, he still managed to pose as a respectable and elegant human being.

“Hey, princess! How much longer until we can leave?” Theo called.

“Shut up!”

“Come on! What’s taking you so long?”

“Unlike you, whose face has no fixing no matter what you do—”

“Fuck you.”

“Some of us like to take our time to look nice.”

“You wouldn’t look nice even if you got plastic surgery.”

“Is that jealousy I’m hearing in your voice?” Noah opened the door and leaned his shoulder on the frame, crossing his arms.

“It’s annoyance, because at this pace, I won’t be drunk before we enter the new year.”

“Are you done fighting like preschoolers?” Val asked from the end of the corridor. “If you don’t hurry up, we’re gonna miss the train.”

“Sorry!” both Theo and Noah said, laughing as they walked toward him, punching each other’s ribs.

They put on their coats and gloves, making sure they had everything with them—phones, wallets, and party tickets—and ran to catch the train.

As soon as they exited K?benhavn station, their breath condensed in the air, creating a misty cloud in front of their faces. Noah zipped his coat up to his chin and shivered slightly. A waxing crescent moon glowed in the dark sky, and twinkling lights adorned the streets, lighting up almost every corner like a Christmas market. It was magical.

Although most stores and attractions were closed, the festive atmosphere surrounded them at every step, especially in the City Hall Square. It was only ten-thirty in the evening, but throngs of people were venturing into the wild bring-your-own-fireworks party going on there. Pyrotechnics, bullhorns, and everything noisy was welcomed. To hell with safety—drunkards and firecrackers were an interesting combo.

Noah and the guys normally avoided these massive crowds, except at concerts, yet they all agreed they had to experience this at least once. Where they came from, this time of the year didn’t get half as crazy.

When they arrived at the nightclub, the ambience was more of the same—people dressed up, eager for the clock to strike twelve. They approached the bar, pushing through groups already too drunk to care about others elbowing them in the ribs. Half an hour later, with their drinks in hand, they looked for a table that had any seats still available.

“Shit, this is gonna be impossible,” Val said.

“No, look.” Theo patted their arms. “That table over there, the one in the corner, doesn’t have that many people. They’ll take the chairs, but we can get up on the table.”

“Do you wanna start the new year by dying?” Noah asked.

“With my luck, I’ll die if I don’t jump.” Theo snorted.

“But Ben said there would be an area with benches or some shit like that specifically prepared for tonight, no?”

“I have no patience to look for that. Let’s just go over there.”

Determined, Theo continued walking forward, Noah and Val on his tail.

You see, although Danes aren’t scared of evil spirits anymore, it is a tradition to literally jump into the new year. It’s meant to defeat any oncoming difficulties or hardships that await in the new year.

So, yeah, they had to do it.

They talked with the strangers around the table they’d targeted before. Laughed with them at some anecdotes from earlier in the evening. And finally, the time came.

The music stopped, and the projector reflecting psychedelic imagery on the screen behind the stage shifted to live footage of the City Hall Tower clock. People started climbing up on the chairs, couches, and everything that was above floor level, including the bar. They, as agreed upon, stepped up on the table. It was fun to watch how those who could barely stand also tried—and failed. Noah laughed watching them. He was simple like that, and none of the falls were really catastrophic.

Then the countdown began.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two...

Just then, right before jumping into the new year, Noah’s heart was torn into pieces. His insides rattled, sending cold chills in every direction as he saw Mads two tables away, kissing Kaj.