If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Eighteen

A thundering noise reverberated in the space when everyone jumped. Whistles, laughter, and loud chatter mixed in the air with distant explosions of fireworks as the New Year’s celebration began.

Meanwhile, Noah was there, paralyzed, heartbeat slamming against his eardrums, sending aftershocks rippling through his entire body. He had to be hallucinating. Kaj couldn’t be there. Could he?

“Happy New Year, dude!” Val pulled him in for a hug.

Theo launched himself at them, bumping their heads together and patting their backs. “And now we drink until we pass out!”

“Noah?” Val called when they moved away, a dash of concern in his tone. “You’re pale. Are you okay?”

“I-I think I just saw Kaj?” He winced, the name painful on his tongue. He was so dizzy he wanted to throw up.

“What?”

Both Val and Theo looked to the sides, searching for a ghost of the past, faces twisted with anguish. Kaj had not only disappeared from Noah’s life, but had also vanished from theirs without saying goodbye.

They had talked about it briefly two years before, as deeply as some knucklehead seventeen-year-old teenagers could, but they had never mentioned it again after that. It was obvious it was a sore spot. They had faced his departure with false bravado and anger, but losing Kaj like that, with no warning, note, or anything at all, had probably left them wondering if there was something they could have done to bring him back so things could be like they used to. Noah knew because it was exactly how he felt. The bad things didn’t matter. Kaj had been a cornerstone in their little world. He still thought about him from time to time. Missed him even. Though he would never say it out loud.

“Are you kidding me?” Val said. “He’s been here, in Copenhagen, all this time?”

“I have no idea. He looked different, so I might be mistaken.”

“Yeah, like you wouldn’t recognize him in the dark.” Theo scoffed.

“If it was him, he was with Mads.”

“Wait, what?” Val asked. “Mads? The one from class? The one who refused to work with you because he was busy and, I quote, didn’t want to betray a friend ?”

“I don’t know if I’m mad or happy that we might get to see Kaj,” Theo added.

Noah was still trying to process what he’d seen when he saw him again, forearms resting on Mads’s shoulders as he whispered something in his ear.

“There.” Noah tipped his chin up.

Kaj had changed so much. He was taller, his back was broader, and his jaw stronger. He’d bleached his hair and modified the style a bit, too, leaving the top long and messy while the sides were trimmed quite short. From this distance, he also seemed to have some piercings adorning his ears and... bottom lip? Scattered tattoos covered the skin showing under the rolled sleeves of his black dress shirt, too. And there was this aura around him, like he owned the world and everyone in it.

But it was definitely him—painfully and beautifully so.

As if he’d heard the loud alarms in Noah’s head, Kaj let go of Mads and turned, finding Noah in the middle of the crowded room.

His eyes, those stunning ice-blue irises, once again knocked the oxygen out of him. His legs wobbled slightly, and for a moment, it felt as though they were alone and he was about to devour his soul.

“Fuck, I need to breathe.” Noah spun around before his friends could say anything and walked toward the exit, forgetting his coat in the cloakroom.

Their past flooded his mind like a string of incoherent images. The good, the bad, the I love yous , the betrayal... And he saw it again, that scene in Kaj’s bedroom with Jesper fucking him from behind.

The heavy door slammed as he stormed out of the club. He was panting and so tense that he didn’t even feel the ruthless cold enclosing him. People walking by looked in his direction like he’d grown two heads. He wanted to snap at them, shout at them for staring when all he wanted was to be left alone, but he had no strength for that.

Leaning back on the wall, he raised his gaze to the sky, trying to focus on the foggy cloud his breath formed as it left his mouth. The noise in the street matched the one inside him as his heart struggled to beat normally.

Noah knew he was overreacting, and that this shouldn’t affect him so much. That seeing an ex shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but it was. Kaj hadn’t been just a silly teenage crush. He had been his everything . And it hurt. Even if it was normal and he had the right to be with someone else, it fucking hurt, because Noah hadn’t broken up with him out of spite. He had ended their relationship because Kaj had lied and cheated on him. But he’d still loved him when he did it. It was one of the most painful decisions he’d ever made.

Fighting tears that could be the product of a hurt ego or an agonizing love, Noah clenched his jaw and bent forward, propping his hands right above his knees. His ponytail slid over his shoulder as he lowered his head. Why do you even care about that? It’s been two years.

“Hey... you okay?”

He dragged his gaze up to see Mads standing beside him. He looked... worried? What the fuck? Taking a deep breath, Noah straightened. “Yeah. All good.”

Mads scrutinized his face for a second and said, “Can we talk?”

“About what?”

“This is probably weird... Well, it is weird.” He sighed. “I just didn’t—”

“Is he the reason you’ve been blowing hot and cold since we met, or did I truly offend you somehow?” Noah crossed his arms.

Mads’s stance hardened a little as he shoved his hands in the pockets of his knee-length coat. “I know everything that happened between you two.”

“And that is...?”

“You dated for over a year and were each other’s firsts for many things.”

Noah sneered. “Did he tell you how he also cheated?” His pulse raced in his veins.

Mads frowned. “That has nothing to do with me.”

“Yeah, right.” Noah looked to the side and mumbled, “Like he won’t do it again...”

“Look, I’ve known Kaj for two years,” Mads restarted. “At the beginning, all he talked about was life in his hometown, you, and the guys. Even when we were talking about something else, he would always sneak an anecdote about you in the conversation. When I met you all for the first time, I knew exactly who you all were just by hearing your names. So, yes, I’d say he’s the reason we—why I never allowed you to get too close.” He let out another sigh. “I could have handled things better because I actually like you.” Noah arched an eyebrow at him before he continued. “I do! You’re kind and talented, but the simple thought of befriending my boyfriend’s ex, I…” He paused for a second, as if he were trying really hard to choose his next words, or maybe he was just giving Noah time to process what he was telling him. “I didn’t want to betray him.”

Noah snorted. His fucking boyfriend . A pang struck deep in his chest. “Whatever.”

“Tell me that if you had known who I was, you’d still have asked me to participate in your project.”

“Who cares about that anymore? You said no.”

“I just wanted to do the right thing.”

“You felt threatened,” Noah deadpanned.

“Partly, not gonna deny it. But that’s not all there is.”

“What else, Mads?”

Before any of them could say anything else, the door opened again, and Kaj walked out.

“We should go home,” he said flatly without acknowledging Noah’s presence.

“Okay.” Mads glanced at Noah, eyes filled with what looked like pity. “Good night.”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” Noah said as he pulled the turtleneck shirt over his head.

Val, who was sitting cross-legged on his bed, began tracing his finger over the wrinkles of his sheets to avoid his gaze. “I don’t think he was lying or trying to get along with us, honestly. He doesn’t have a reason for that anymore.”

“He seemed truly sorry for not calling or texting after you split up,” Theo added. “But it kinda makes sense now that we know the truth…”

“The truth about what?” Noah asked, kicking his pants off and leaving them on the floor as he sat on his bed facing his friends.

“He told us you caught him with someone else,” Val replied. “Was actually surprised you haven’t said anything about it.”

“ Caught , what a fucking euphemism.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because!”

Val tilted his head. “Right.”

“I was ashamed, okay?” Noah huffed, lying down to look at the ceiling instead of them. “I felt like… Like I wasn’t enough. Like I was the one to blame for him cheating on me.”

“There might be times when it happens on an emotional level because one of the sides has grown distant and cold, and the other is afraid to bring the topic up but still needs the reassurance that they’re not worthless,” Val said, talking from experience. “But still, the only one to blame for cheating is the cheater.”

“Yeah, I know, but I didn’t know how to deal with it back then, and it didn’t make sense talking about it anymore later on.”

“I get that. But just so you know, he looked pretty remorseful, Noah.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“What? No. Not at all. But at least now we understand what really happened between you two. Everything makes more sense. Why you were in such bad shape for months and why he didn’t reach out to us—he was ashamed and afraid of our reaction to what you could have told us.”

“Sure.” Noah rolled his eyes and got up again.

Without another word, he walked outside the room and toward the kitchenette. He was in his underwear, but he didn’t care if someone saw him. There weren’t that many people living there anymore, anyway. Opening one of the cabinets, he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and tipped his head back. Although they’d been drinking from six until midnight—when everything went to shit—he was sober now, and all he wanted to do was drink himself stupid so he could tamp the emotions pushing against his ribs.

“That’s a horrible coping mechanism, you know?” Theo said as they approached him.

“I can’t fucking do this.” Noah perched his hands on the counter and let his head fall forward.

“What are you talking about?”

“Have him back in my life again.”

“And why would that happen?” Theo asked, an undertone of sarcasm in his voice.

“Noah, he’s changed,” Val said. “ We have changed. We can’t be who we were anymore. But I’m not gonna deny that talking to him has taken a weight off my shoulders. It was nice hearing everything he had to say and seeing him doing so well.”

“Do you still feel something for him or what?” Theo blurted with his signature tactlessness.

Noah glared at him.

“Is that a yes?”

“Dude!” Val slapped his abs with the back of his hand.

“Fuck you,” Noah hissed.

He left the whiskey bottle on the counter and returned to their room, falling asleep in the middle of an exhausting emotional battle as some loud, angry music roared through his earphones.

The next day, Noah didn’t open his mouth. Not when his friends said good morning, or when they had breakfast together. He remained even quieter when he sat to work on his project until it was time to go.

However, when the three of them arrived at his mom’s house, he plastered a fake smile on his face.

“Happy New Year, Mom!”

“Jesus. Don’t be so loud.” She grimaced, but of course still hugged her son, then Val and Theo. “Happy New Year, boys.”

“Thank you for having us over,” Theo said as they took their coats and boots off in the foyer.

“Well, it’s not like I had to do much.” She gestured to the bags of Chinese food they’d brought. “Also, why aren’t you hungover?”

Val opened his mouth to answer, but she didn’t let him.

“I wish I were that young again. I can’t handle my alcohol anymore.” She pressed the fingers of both hands to her temples. “Anyway, come in. It’s so cold outside.”

They all walked into the house, and a warmth that felt like home wrapped around Noah. It had been over a month since he’d last been here. Everything looked so much better now that she’d finished the renovations she wanted to do.

The walls were all painted in a light shade of grey that matched the rustic wooden floors. The ceilings, high and perfectly white, contrasted with the colorful mustard yellow, brown, and dark blue furniture. She had some Scandinavian atmospheric black metal music playing in the background—if Noah wasn’t mistaken, it was Myrkur. Trine was obsessed with this artist since she’d discovered her a few months before.

He loved all of this for her.

“This looks amazing, Mom.”

“Thank you, honey.”

“Have you done it all by yourself?” Val asked.

“No. I wish.” She laughed, then grimaced again. “I had my friend Sigrid help me. She’s the best handyman ever.”

“Nice!”

“Is she the photography assistant?” Noah wondered.

“No, that’s Silvia. Sigrid is the tattoo artist that did the piece on my shin three months ago.”

“But I thought it was a friend from work who invited you out for dinner and drinks?”

“Do you ever listen to me?” Trine rolled her eyes, grinning. “Sylvia and I met Sigrid again at a drag show a month ago, and she invited us to her friend’s pub.”

“Oh, okay. Sorry. I’m so bad with names, and you gotta admit those are really similar.”

“Sure, baby.” She patted his shoulder jokingly, as if she were talking to a kid. “Okay, enough with the small talk, table is ready, so let’s sit and eat.” She motioned to the area designated for the dining room.

“You’re hungry?” Theo asked with a chuckle. “When I’m hungover, I just wanna die.”

“And I do wanna die,” she said. “But my stomach is craving the most greasy, unhealthy food. Did you bring me those spring rolls, Noah?”

“Of course.” He grinned, for real this time. “Who do you think I am?”

“The best son in the world.”

The four of them sat and started opening the takeout containers—rice, noodles, spring rolls, some spicy beef, and chicken with veggies. They could feed an entire army.

As they ate, the space filled with music, chitchat, jokes, and soft laughter. However, Noah wasn’t feeling the coziness that usually washed over him when they gathered like this. Over the past two years, he’d sewn his heart together, but after seeing Kaj the previous night, some stitches had ruptured, and he was questioning every decision he had made.

“What are you thinking about?” Trine’s voice brought him back to the table.

“Nothing.” He shook his head and scooped a forkful of crispy sesame chicken.

“I know you. I gave birth to you,” she said. “You’re way too silent and moody. What is it?” Her eyes darted from Noah to Val and Theo, who immediately stuffed their mouths with food. “Out with it.”

“It’s all good,” he insisted.

“Did something happen with Zach?”

“No.”

“Something with your project?”

“It’s all perfectly fine. I already have all the musicians I want, and the recording is coming together nicely.”

“Are you having money issues? You know Grandma left some for you, if you need it for college or anything.”

“It’s not that.”

“But it’s something .”

Shit.

“Did anything happen last night?” she pressed.

The guys got up and not-so-subtly ran away with their plates and glasses toward the kitchen. They were all still in the same room, but with the distance they put between them, it was obvious they knew as well as Noah that there was no way out of this.

“So?” Trine clasped her hands on the table.

I swear this woman could be a fucking detective.

“It’s nothing. We just saw Kaj last night.”

“ Nothing ,” she repeated. “You saw Kaj, and it’s nothing.” Her tone was charged with disbelief. Of course. While Noah hadn’t told her the reason they’d broken up at first, several months later, she had used her witchery and got the truth. Part of it at least—that Kaj had cheated on him, just not with whom. Still upset about it, he couldn’t tell her what he’d really seen that day. “And how’s he doing?”

“Do you seriously think I’d talk to him?”

“Why not? It’s nothing .”

Noah narrowed his eyes at her. He wished she were made of paper right now so he could rip her smug expression into so many little pieces he’d end up with face confetti.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” He crossed his arms and reclined on the back of the chair.

“Guys, can you leave us a minute?”

“Sure, I need to smoke, anyway,” Theo said, pulling a pack of tobacco from his cargo pants.

“Since when are you smoking?” she asked in a scolding tone.

“Not the important thing right now.” He pointed at Noah before following Val through the back door that led to the small terrace behind the house.

Traitor s. I hope they freeze. Though, they wouldn’t, Trine had one of those outdoor heaters.

“We’ll talk about it later!” she said, loud enough for him to hear before they closed the door. “Okay, now, what is going on, Noah?”

“Nothing. I swear. We saw Kaj last night. That’s all.”

“But you’re clearly shaken…”

“It affected me more than I expected after so long, but it was probably because he was with Mads.”

“Who?”

“Just a guy from school.”

“I see…”

“But it’s nothing. I promise.”

“You keep repeating that. Who are you trying to convince?”

Noah sighed, leaning his elbows on the table and rubbing his face. “It was a shock, okay? He’s the last person I expected to see there, and that he’s dating someone I know didn’t make it any easier.”

“Do you still... have feelings for him?”

He clenched his jaw for a moment. It had been quite some time for him to say he was still in love with Kaj, but something was definitely there. Why would it hurt so much to see him with someone else otherwise?

Spending a big chunk of the night tossing and turning, mind wrestling with the fragments of who they had been, only ended with Noah more confused than before. After spending so long thinking he was over Kaj and his infidelity, he’d thought he would be indifferent if they saw each other again. But being in his presence had destroyed all the walls Noah had carefully built to protect himself.

There was no way he’d hate that man when the most beautiful period of his life until that horrible day had been the time he’d spent with him. Nothing after Kaj had ever come close to the peace and freedom he had provided. Every inch of his skin was mapped in Noah’s palms, his lips, and his fucking heart.

Maybe what he missed and longed for wasn’t the person per se, but the emotions he stirred. However, Noah couldn’t deny he might still feel something for him. Not when seeing Kaj and the ridiculously attractive man he’d become had set his body on fire.

How could he affect him so deeply after all this time?

“I’m... not sure,” he finally said, the dead weight in his chest lightening a little, but making him scrunch with guilt all the same.

He was with Zach. Kaj was with Mads. There were so many reasons, obstacles, resentment, and pain, to not even think about it. Yet a forbidden desire had already hatched somewhere in his soul.

Trine got up from her seat and walked over to Noah. She rested her chin on top of his head and embraced him, blurring his distress in the background for a moment.

“You don’t need to decide anything right now,” she whispered in that soothing tone that characterized her. “These things... they take time. But whatever the outcome is, be honest with yourself.”

NINETEEN