If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Nineteen

After that day, Noah locked everything inside again.

There was no point in thinking about it. They didn’t move in the same circles. Noah had been in Roskilde, partying and enjoying the lively life in the capital since August the previous year, and not even once had he crossed paths with Kaj. New Year’s had been just a fateful coincidence.

Besides, he had a lot to focus on right now. With the portfolio submission deadline in a week, he had no time to lose. The twenty minutes of music he’d composed were almost done, but he still had the mastering to do. The fucking mastering. Thankfully for him, one of the teachers there worked in the industry and knew his way around the studio.

Then there was also Zach.

His roommates at the apartment were a bit too noisy sometimes, but at least they got some privacy from time to time. Zach was working for a company as a sound tech, and some days he was too tired to go out and compete for the gold medal in drinking—it was their favorite sport, apparently. The job wasn’t the most stable since he was freelancing, but it covered his expenses and allowed him to save some money for when he started college at the end of summer.

And here they were now, at a club that was hosting some concerts tonight.

Zach was working, coordinating with his colleagues to set everything on stage for the bands while Noah stared at his ass in those tight black jeans. He was sitting on a stool in the bar area, facing outward with an elbow propped on the counter as he sipped from his beer. The guys were coming later to celebrate Val’s birthday—he was a late January baby—but for now, he would continue relishing the view.

Or not.

“Why don’t you just take a picture and stop drooling like you have rabies?”

Noah stiffened at the sound of the deep yet still familiar voice behind him. His heart pounded in his chest as Kaj walked around him. He quirked an eyebrow when their eyes locked, a sinister smirk tugging at the corner of Kaj’s mouth.

“What are you doing here?” Noah asked, dumbfounded.

“I’m playing tonight. What are you doing here? Other than leering at that dude.”

Noah’s nostrils flared as he took a deep breath, confused about the rattle in his stomach when he saw Kaj not only had two rings in his lip but also a piercing in his tongue. “I didn’t know you still played.”

“You don’t know many things, S?rensen.”

Ouch.

“So, that guy, huh?” Kaj tilted his head, resting his elbows on the bar beside Noah and giving Zach a once-over.

“So, Mads, huh ?” Noah returned the question, but his tone, unlike Kaj’s, was bitter.

“Yeah.” He lifted a shoulder as he gestured to the barman. “You plowing him?”

Noah flinched. For some reason, Kaj asking him that with such nonchalance struck the wrong chord inside him. “That’s none of your business.” He spun on the stool so he wasn’t facing Kaj, hoping he’d get the hint that he was making him uncomfortable.

“Can’t blame you, he’s hot. Or are you screwing him because he owes you money and is paying with his dick?”

“Stop it.” Noah flashed him a warning glare.

Of all the first-run-in scenarios Noah had imagined since they’d last seen each other, him being this annoying ballbuster from the start wasn’t one of them. It was easy to see from a mile away that his witty repartee was just a mask of mordacity and self-preservation. Yet, there was a shadow casting over his eyes that wasn’t there before, and it screamed danger .

But then again, the idea he had of this man was of the sweet boy he’d once fallen in love with. Someone he clearly wasn’t anymore.

As the bartender approached, Kaj showed him his event badge and said, “I’m with the band.”

“What can I get you?”

“Three beers, a cola, and a glass of bourbon, neat.”

“Right away.”

“Isn’t it a bit too early to go so hard?” Noah pointed out.

“Need to warm up the engines.”

The barman poured the drinks, opened the beers, and slid them across the bar counter. Kaj took a swig of bourbon, straightening and crossing an arm under the other as he stared at the band starting their soundcheck.

And there he stood, silent and too close for one, two, five fucking minutes. Noah wasn’t looking at him, not at first, but he could feel him. His magnetic energy. The spicy notes blended within the woodsy scent of his cologne. And his own fucking heart, beating furiously. Instead of walking away from the tension lashing between them, though, he side-glanced at him.

Although irritating, Kaj was definitely an attractive man. His stance roared like he owned the fucking world, and his clothes like they should be ripped off him. The way his long-sleeved Henley clung to his back and those cargo pants hugged his ass were evil. A fucking sin. Just like that prominent Adam’s apple.

“Let me know when you’re done.” Kaj snapped him back to reality.

“What?”

“Eye-fucking me. Are you done?” His tone was sarcastic, but his blue gaze was hard.

“Still a conceited asshole, I see.” Noah was faster now with his snarky remarks than he was at sixteen, but one thing he could not control to save his life was the way his cheeks would heat whenever he was embarrassed, felt like the center of attention, or when he was too hot.

“Some things never change.”

“What are you still doing here , anyway?” Noah motioned to the space around him. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your gig or something?”

“Do I make you nervous, S?rensen?”

“Nervous? No. Uncomfortable? Yes.”

“Aw,” Kaj mocked. “Is that why you ran away last time? Because you didn’t know how to be in front of me without getting all flustered?”

“What the fuck?” Noah frowned.

“It’s been way too long for you to still be acting like a childish coward.” Kaj’s tone turned darker. He wasn’t playing around anymore.

“You’ve got some fucking nerve,” Noah fired back as the misplaced fascination from before disappeared. “I’m not the one who goes around lying and fucking with people’s lives.”

“Maybe you’re not, but you’re full of shit, and that boyfriend of yours over there”—his eyes glanced at Zach once again—“he’ll see it sooner than later.”

“Don’t you dare bring him into this. He’s much more of a man than you’ll ever be.”

There was a tic in Kaj’s jaw. “I’m not bringing him into anything, just stating the truth.”

“What—Look, this between us is awkward as it is. I don’t know if we’ll bump into each other after tonight, but if you’re only going to blurt shit like this all the time, I’d rather you never speak to me again.”

Kaj inched even closer, his hard pec pressing against Noah’s arm as he crowded him. His intoxicating scent engulfed Noah, dividing his mind into painful halves. “It’s a little late to be playing hard to get. Judging by the effect my presence still has on you, I could drag you to the bathroom and easily have my way with you,” he rasped in his ear.

Noah leaned as far away from him as humanly possible and frowned, electricity running at full speed through every fiber of muscle in his body. What the fuck? “Other than my upchuck reflex, you don’t have any effect on me.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” Kaj moved away, gathering the beer bottles between the fingers of one hand and the glass of Coca-Cola with the other.

“Yo, Larsen! What’s taking you so long? I’m thirsty as fuck.” A redheaded guy approached them with a huge smile plastered on his face.

“Was just watching the soundcheck.”

“We’re up next, so stop lazing around.” The redhead, who Noah later learned was the guitarist, took one of the beers and drank.

“Aye, sir,” Kaj said sardonically.

When they left, Noah felt like he could breathe again.

Kaj was a glitch in the universe. A fucking black hole. No matter how dangerous or how hard you tried to ignore him, nothing, not even light, could escape the pull of his gravity. He was magnetic, especially when he was sitting behind his drum kit.

Like that evening.

Kaj’s band, Poison Letters, only played for forty minutes, along with the other five bands. The stage, compared to those at big concerts, lacked a fair bit of space. If any of the groups had one more member, they wouldn’t fit up there. The backdrops behind them looked cheap and of poor quality. The illumination was quite simple, with fixed blue and purple lights, and there were no other special effects.

Noah had nothing against these low-budget gigs. He still attended several throughout the year. All these bands sounded incredible, and their original tracks were surprisingly good, but in the middle of it all, Kaj stood out.

“Shit,” Val said, mouth agape as he bobbed his head in time with the brutal drumming. “I didn’t think he could get any better.”

“He’s making me want to dust off my guitar,” Theo added.

“Do you even remember how to play?” Val laughed at him.

Noah couldn’t speak, too hypnotized to have free will.

Kaj was now wearing a white tank top with dropped armholes, hair even messier than before as he headbanged non-stop while beating the shit out of his drums. He was glowing under the spotlights, sweating like a pig, but up there, vibrating with the music and doing what he loved most, he was fucking glorious.

Later that night, when Zach joined the party to celebrate Val’s twenties, Kaj approached to wish him a happy birthday, falling into natural conversation with everyone in the group. Everyone but Noah. Unless you counted the backhanded compliments and offensive comments that flowed his way for the never-ending hour he was there with them.

It wasn’t too obvious—you’d have to read between the lines and know about their story to notice—or at least Noah hoped so, because he wouldn’t have liked explaining anything to Zach. Though the Viking wasn’t stupid. He knew about the one boyfriend Noah had back in high school. He only had to put two and two together after hearing his name and learning Kaj and the guys had been friends since they were kids. But he didn’t mention anything or even change his expression.

Still, since he couldn’t stand being around Kaj anymore that night, Noah convinced Zach to leave earlier than they had planned.

He dedicated the following hours, until the first rays of sun grazed their skin, to kissing, licking, sucking, and worshiping every inch of the Viking’s body. He was the most stunning man he’d ever seen, with his strong, long legs, narrow hips, and bulky torso that could split Noah in half if he wanted to. And, serious or not, forever or transient, he was the best choice Noah had made in a long time.

Noah had turned in his portfolio and the video presentation in English three days before the deadline. Could he have done it sooner? Maybe, if he’d been a musical prodigy. But he wasn’t. So, it had taken him longer than desired to get the hang of the recording programs and learn some orchestration basics. Thankfully, he had some experienced and talented teachers who’d helped him with every detail.

Now that the most stressful part was done and he had to wait until the end of March for the results to be issued, Noah could truly savor this stage, delving deeper into the subjects he’d chosen before going to college. He had to be ready for when and if he got into the Royal College of Music. They were excellent in the disciplines they taught, and he wanted to live up to their expectations—they didn’t have an acceptance rate of only 10 percent for nothing.

Of course, he’d also sent his application to other universities and conservatories in France and Germany, just in case. He was waiting for the Royal Danish Academy to open the admission process on February 1st. But he really wished the British one would accept him.

Tonight, he wasn’t going to worry about any of that. Not when he had a furry baby on his lap asking for attention. Mom had recently adopted a dog, and Noah was enjoying his company.

“I’m thinking about getting him a friend,” she said. “That way he’ll always have someone to play with.”

“What?” Noah scrunched his nose when Rocket, the stray that looked like a raccoon, licked his face. “But he’s barely been here for a couple of weeks.”

“I know, but they had so many. And there’s this doggy daycare near the studio, so they wouldn’t be alone at home all day, either.”

“And you think you can handle two dogs at the same time?”

“I raised you.” She shrugged, grinning mischievously.

“Very nice, Mom.” Noah shook his head, feigning offense. “But I’m serious. We’ve never had a dog before.”

“Not because we didn’t want to.”

That was true. When Noah was a kid, she was too busy caring for him and working the weirdest schedules. Then they moved to live with Grandma, who didn’t like animals. Later, she was juggling between her courses, work, and Noah. The timing never seemed right, but they both had always wanted a furry companion.

“Still, I think it’d be better if you gave him some time to adapt to you, the house, and his new situation, no?” he said while pulling weird faces, mimicking Rocket chewing on the toy Noah was holding for him.

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t mean I’d get another dog right away.”

“I mean, if you think you can take care of them. Sure. I won’t be the one stopping you.”

Trine chuckled. “Anyway, you’re okay with staying here for the night, then?” she asked for the tenth time.

“It’s all good. Why do you keep asking?”

“Because it’s the weekend, and you’re young. You should be out doing all the bad things.”

“I’ve done that too many weekends in a row since I started classes. I need some alone time. And sleep, lots of sleep, which I won’t be able to do tonight if I stay at the dorms. Val and Theo snore like bears when they’re drunk.”

“Is it because they’re going out with, you know…”

“No. They can do whatever they want and hang out with whomever.” Noah rolled his eyes.

Since they’d met Kaj a second time three weeks ago, they had been texting occasionally. And, although this was the first time they intentionally went out together, it did bother him. So, was he avoiding that uncomfortable situation? Yes. But that wasn’t the only reason he didn’t want to go out tonight. Sometimes, he just felt like doing nothing and going to bed early, more so if he was at his mom’s, where the sheets smelled like spring and mornings were synonymous with coffee and homemade waffles.

“You sound so bitter it’s hard to believe.” She sighed as she got up from the couch.

“I just wanted to spend some time with you today and take care of this little thing while you go out with Sigrid,” he answered, squeezing Rocket’s face between his hands.

“And I appreciate that,” she said, checking she had everything in her purse. “You can invite Zach over if you want, by the way. Just don’t throw a party, please.”

“Because that’s what I always do. Invite randos to snort glue and drink all the alcohol in the house in a lame attempt to fill the pathetic emptiness of my meaningless life.” He grinned at her eye roll. “I know how to be alone, Mom. Actually, I enjoy my solitude from time to time.”

“You’ve been partying a lot lately, so who knows anymore?”

“That’s different. I don’t have to clean anyone’s vomit, and I can sneak out whenever I want when I’m out.”

“Classy.” She chuckled.

“Now, could you please leave? Rocket and I have a tight agenda full of cookies, belly rubs, and movies.”

“He can’t eat sugary things. It’s bad for dogs.”

“I’ll share my pizza with him, then.”

“Noah!” Trine stomped a heeled boot on the floor.

He laughed. “Mom, you’ve made me read every dog book out there. I know all that already. Just get out of here and have fun, yeah?”

“Okay.” She zipped up her coat and walked over to them, kissing Noah on the cheek and Rocket on the top of his head. “Good night, you two. Don’t stay up too late!”

“And you don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”

Trine opened the door and laughed, closing it behind her.

The night was uneventful, filled with beer, pizza, and Iron Man movies. Though he fell asleep on his bed halfway through the second, with Rocket by his side.

For some people, it might seem like a boring evening, lame even. But it was exactly what he’d needed. Something that helped him put his brain on standby. Something that slowed down his mind so he didn’t constantly second-guess his college application or think about Kaj with the guys. They had only stopped talking to him because he had pushed them away. What if he wanted his friends back? Where would that leave Noah if they couldn’t be in the same room?

He’d also wondered if maybe he should have invited Zach over. He was amazing at distracting him, among many other things. But they had been having so much sex lately. Noah needed a break. His dick was fucking sore, and so was his ass. If they hadn’t always used condoms and were knowingly clean, he’d have considered the possibility of an STI.

The next morning, however, was quite bizarre. He had found Trine and this gorgeous, heavily tattooed blonde, who he assumed was Sigrid, in the living room, each curled on a couch with a blanket and smeared makeup on their faces. He didn’t say anything and just proceeded to brew some coffee.

“You must be Noah,” a raspy but feminine voice said from behind him.

“Yeah. Sigrid?”

“That’d be me, yeah.” Standing only in a loose T-shirt that barely covered her ass, she rubbed a palm over her face. “Sorry. I’m probably not giving the best impression right now.”

“Not judging.” Noah chuckled as he poured a cup of coffee. Been there, done that.

“The night got a little out of hand.” She flashed an embarrassed smile, pulling the tee down before sitting on a stool. “I don’t know how your mom can drink and dance so much and not want to die afterward.”

“She’s trained for that. Besides”—Noah tilted his body a little to the side to look at her with an arm covering her eyes and her mouth slightly parted—“I’d say she went into a coma last night.”

“After throwing her guts up in the bathroom.”

Noah scrunched his nose. “Sorry about that. Coffee?”

“Please!”

He handed her the mug and poured himself another, sitting beside her at the breakfast bar table until Trine decided it was time to come back to life.