If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Twenty

Noah was ecstatic. He had been accepted into the Royal College of Music in the UK.

After a few weeks of resting his liver, he was more than ready to go out tonight and celebrate. And what better way to do it than with friends, beer, and metal music?

Ben, the one who’d told them about the New Year’s party and also helped Noah with the bass on his project, was playing with his band for a cancer fundraising concert, so of course they’d be here.

The only downside was that Poisoned Letters was performing, too.

“You seem a little tense,” Val said, raising his voice above the music. It wasn’t blaring like it’d be in a nightclub, but it was loud enough to make a normal conversation troublesome.

“You think?”

“I know it must be awkward for you to be around Kaj again, but look, there are a bunch of people here. What are the... chances…?” Val’s grey-blue eyes, now darkened by the dimly lit space, glanced behind Noah, making him turn around.

“Hey!” Mads greeted, approaching them with a huge smile on his face, followed by the heinous prick.

“Hey.”

“So glad you’re here, too! I thought I’d have to be alone all evening.” He grimaced.

“Not your usual scene?” Val asked with a mischievous grin, slicking back his medium-length hair.

“How could you tell?” Mads laughed, gesturing to himself.

Opposed to them, whose outfits consisted of black T-shirts, ripped jeans, leather cuff bracelets, and some stainless-steel jewelry, Mads was wearing dark pants and a light grey casual shirt under a long wool coat. Clean-shaven, with glowing skin, high cheekbones, and perfectly styled brown curls, he looked like one of those models in fashion magazines. Delicate and elegant yet masculine. He was... pretty.

Noah clenched his jaw. He hated that they got along so well now.

“Hey, guys!” Theo chirped as he squeezed his way through the group of people beside them and handed Val and Noah their beers.

“Okay, now that the whole gang’s here and you’re not alone, do you mind if I go find Bj?rn?” Kaj said. “Gotta get ready.”

“Yeah, sure, Mr. Grouchy. Go. I’ll see you later.”

Kaj grabbed Mads by the waist and kissed him. It was brief, but it seemed so intimate as their lips molded against each other. Something they were clearly used to.

Uncomfortable, Noah looked to the other side.

Despite him being quite dirty when he was the one involved, seeing people making out or even full-on fucking didn’t do much for him. He had already accepted this strange dichotomy within him, so he had no idea why these two kissing made his stomach revolve.

When he glanced back, Kaj was saying something in Mads’s ear. However, his cold gaze was anchored on him, all his sharp edges on full display. Broken. Angry. Cruel. An all-consuming euphoria traveled through Noah’s body.

Breaking eye contact, Kaj said goodbye and walked away, bumping into his shoulder with enough force to make him stagger.

Noah hated this.

He hated that in the span of three months, after two years of not hearing a word from Kaj, this was the third time he was forced to be in the same room and breathe the same air as him.

Noah wasn’t usually spiteful, it was a waste of energy, and even though Kaj had hurt him, he still couldn’t say he hated him. Not when the good memories were stronger than the bad. Of course it was strange to be around him; it stung, but he would have found a way to deal with it.

However, Kaj made it so difficult to want to be civil with his daring glares and belittling comebacks. He was an annoyance. A pebble in his shoe. A thorn in his side.

Why has he become such an asshole?

“Tell me he hasn’t always been like that.”

Zach’s voice and his hands on Noah’s waist startled him. “What?”

“I know he’s your ex—it’s all good—but the stories you told me and the way he acts... He seems like two different people.”

“Oh, yeah.” Noah chuckled and took a step back. “He’s different , to put it mildly.”

“Do you think he still... feels something for you?”

Noah quirked an eyebrow.

Was Zach fishing for information? Not that he had anything to hide, but this was odd. His questioning didn’t sound curious, like the talk they’d had about their pasts during some post-coital haze.

“I mean, I don’t think you kicked his dog.”

“Nope.”

“He’s clearly angry at you, though. And you haven’t seen each other in two years, so…”

“Nah,” Noah said, waving a palm. “He’s dating Mads, and it’s been too long for that. He’s just a flaming imbecile.”

Zach laughed, then wrapped an arm around his shoulders and said, “He’s definitely an idiot for doing what he did to you. I would never.”

Coziness settled behind his ribs upon hearing those words. Zach taking his side without even needing to hear Kaj’s version of the story was the best reassurance—he was the right man for him. But, at the same time, it felt wrong. He was not a gossip.

Noah felt awful. The last thing he wanted was for Zach to think he wasn’t good enough. Love might not be the word that described their relationship, but he was important to him. They hadn’t been together long—barely three months—but the emotional connection was there. It was deep, and warm, and exactly what Noah needed.

Zach was like a balm. A ray of sun on the coldest winter day. Thanks to him, Noah had learned to trust again. He made him feel safe and sexy as hell. The way he looked at him, their conversations, the time they spent in silence listening to music, or those rainy afternoons Noah would simply watch him while he made magic on his laptop or directly on the piano. Zach was a genius. If it weren’t for him, his portfolio for the college application wouldn’t have been the same.

“What are you doing here, anyway?” Noah asked, not wanting to talk about Kaj anymore. He had gone through hell to forget about him and didn’t want his moody ass to ruin the night or what he had with Zach. “I thought you had plans with your sister.”

“And I did, but she called me last minute to tell me this guy—her crush—had asked her out on a date and she couldn’t say no.” Zach rolled his eyes. “Never trust a hormonal teenager to stick to your plans together.”

Noah leaned in closer to his ear. “Good for me then.”

“How so?”

“That way I won’t have to spend the night alone.”

Zach grinned.

The rest of the night flew by smoothly. Their group ended up with ten people and about three different conversations going on at the same time in between headbanging through the concerts, mosh pits, and a couple of Backstreet Boys slip-ups during changeovers. The pub was crowded, which would have normally been an issue—Noah didn’t like his personal space being invaded like this—but surprisingly enough, the air wasn’t too laden with sweat, so it didn’t feel as cramped. So, despite Kaj being around, talking to Val and Theo like he hadn’t left them behind two years ago, he enjoyed himself. He even had the chance to grope Zach’s ass and rub his crotch against him without giving everyone a lewd show.

He was having fun... until he wasn’t.

With his bladder about to explode, he made his way to the restroom. Noah was unzipping his jeans when the space filled with harsh drumming and indistinct riffs as the door creaked open. He looked to the side, only to see Kaj’s reflection approaching him.

“Fuck,” Kaj muttered. “What are you doing here?”

“Last time I checked, this was a public bathroom.”

There was a sharp intake of air behind him, and Noah allowed himself a small, triumphant smirk. If he had no other choice but to be around him, the least he could do was entertain himself a little. Though now he wasn’t sure he wanted to take a leak. Not with this man in the room. But after a brief glaring contest, and against his better judgment, when Kaj settled two urinals away, Noah decided he didn’t care. Maybe it was the alcohol running through his veins—enough to make him bold, but not so much that he’d be hungover tomorrow. Whatever. He might as well see what he’d missed.

Finally freeing himself, a great relief overcame him as he let it flow. He managed to ignore the grimy floor and the tiled walls covered in graffiti, and even blocked out Kaj and the sound of his belt buckle as he undid it. But his presence and the intensity of his stare were so overbearing that Noah almost had to think consciously about what he was doing. It was as if this jackass could affect something that was physiological.

“See something you like?” Noah tossed at him with a mix of amusement and malice.

“Don’t flatter yourself.” Kaj scoffed, zipping up his jeans. Then he walked toward the sinks and turned on the tap. “It’s actually kind of infuriating having to see your fucking face all night. But it is what it is, I guess.”

“So petty.”

“It’s not pettiness.”

“Enlighten me,” Noah said as he tucked himself and stood beside him to wash his hands. “What is it, then? Resentment? Hatred? Jealousy?”

“As if.” Kaj shook the water from his hands and ripped a paper towel. “You were nothing but a bad habit.”

Noah clenched his jaw as he mimicked him. But he didn’t retreat, just turned around and held his gaze. “You’re so full of shit.”

“Aw, did that hurt?”

“Could you, I don’t know, be nice once in a fucking blue moon?” He crossed his arms and leaned his hip against the counter. “Or will it give you an aneurysm?”

“Look, I’m not gonna revisit history with you,” Kaj said, tossing the paper towel aside. “And I’m not gonna be nice simply because it makes you comfortable. Suck it up or leave.”

“I don’t think comfort will ever be a thing when you’re around. But anyway, what I’m trying to say is that, since we have friends in common and we might keep bumping into each other from time to time, we could, maybe , try to make this whole situation”—he flicked a finger between them—“more bearable for the rest.”

“I haven’t heard anyone complaining. And I don’t owe you anything.”

“You don’t have a right to be mad at me. You’re the one who fucked up things between us,” Noah spat. “Stop playing the victim and own up to your mistakes. You wanted out, just didn’t have the guts to admit—”

His voice was cut off when Kaj stormed toward him, grabbing him by the neck with both hands and shoving his back against the wall. The dull thud and his grunt echoed in the room as their eyes plunged into each other. Kaj grimaced, but the pain in his gaze almost instantly morphed into a menacing expression.

“You self-absorbed bastard…” he gritted, narrowing the space separating them, a leg wedged between Noah’s and their mouths so close he could smell the alcohol on his breath. “You don’t get to talk about what I want.”

“Fuck,” Noah gasped, hands wrapping instinctively around Kaj’s forearms. “Let go of me, Larsen.”

“I’m not the same guy you used to know. So, don’t push it.”

As if oxygen wasn’t reaching his brain anymore, Noah said, “Is that supposed to be a threat?”

Kaj’s gaze darkened, and his body pressed harder against Noah’s. “Are you gonna stop taunting me, or do you really wanna see what I’m capable of?” His voice lowered an octave, becoming a growl that vibrated through Noah’s entire being.

He couldn’t breathe. But instead of his survival instincts kicking in, instead of fighting back, his blood traveled south and thickened his traitorous dick. He hated himself and this man so much right now, but he couldn’t help it when his eyes fixed on his mouth. He yearned to lick and savor it. He yearned to see if he still tasted the same.

“Fuck you.”

As he said that, Kaj squeezed his throat even harder, not a trace of hesitation in his grip. And, in the middle of this induced daze, Noah’s heart cracked.

He had felt something before, but, caught up in the adrenaline rushing in his veins, he didn’t stop to analyze it. Under the razor blade and roses tattooed on Kaj’s left forearm there was a groove, a line that went from his wrist up. It could be anything, even a surgery scar, but something told him it was self-inflicted.

Noah noticed his own gaze softening as he tried to swallow. All he wanted to do right now was end this ridiculous fight and hug him. Because as exasperating as Kaj was, he didn’t deserve to have gone through such horrible pain his wish to die overrode the natural instinct to survive.

“W-what’s this? What happened?” Noah’s thumb brushed over it.

With a snarl that was half anger, half something else entirely, Kaj crashed their lips together.

The impact was devastating, like a dam breaking in the middle of a storm. A natural disaster in all its glory. It dissolved all the warring pieces inside of Noah in wet heat as they transformed into a mesh of teeth and tongues. Of cravings, regret, and hate. Messy and desperate, but more real than anything Noah had felt in a long time. It was a battle that ended with both of them surrendering to the magnetic pull that had never really disappeared.

Kaj crowded the little space between their bodies, free hand finding its way to Noah’s hip and clutching tight. Noah was dizzy as his heart, lungs, and mind tried to catch up with the two years they’d been apart. Nothing existed but them. And he needed more. Of his warmth. Of his rage. Of that piercing teasing his tongue. Of this fire searing between them. He wanted to brand his fingertips on Kaj’s skin.

Fisting Kaj’s soft hair, Noah thrusted forward, seeking more friction. They were both so hard it was painful.

Just when he was about to slide a palm between them, the door of the bathroom slammed shut.

“Ehm-uh... Sorry,” a guy Noah didn’t know stuttered as he stumbled and walked into a stall.

They’d been kicked back into reality, but for a second that felt like an eternity, neither of them moved. They stared into each other’s eyes, chests rising and falling raggedly as the weight of the things they never said fell over them.

“This doesn’t change anything,” Kaj rasped.

“I know.”

Noah would have liked to say that once Kaj left the bathroom, he relaxed and enjoyed the night, but he didn’t. Knowing that man was there, watching him—their eyes had found each other in the darkness several times. That Kaj thought he had any sort of power over him pissed him off. So much so that he took it all out on Zach when they arrived at his apartment.

Noah wasn’t normally tame. He loved it when his partner put up a bit of a fight. But that night, Kaj was the one in his mind when he was railing Zach, indulging in the sounds they were making as guilt swirled in his chest for having allowed that man to kiss him. Though his musings weren’t exactly sexual. As kind and selfless as Noah was, he hated when people took him for a fool. He was confident in his masculinity and didn’t need to compete with others to see who had the biggest dick. But sometimes, the latent need to subdue a dominant, strong man got out of control.

“Come for me. Now,” Noah gritted, a hand pressing Zach’s head against the door and the other gripping his hip as he rammed into his tight hole with punishing, fast strokes.

“Fuck, fuck, fuuuuuck!” Zach growled, trembling, panting, and moaning just for him.

And there it was... the delicious sense of victory.