If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Twenty-one

It was spring break, and with classes paused, Noah had gone back home. Aside from the previous weekend that he’d spent with Zach before he left on a trip to the States with his family, he had no plans. Val was visiting his parents, and Theo was with his father until Friday, so staying at the dorms alone made no sense.

It was nice for a change, to eat homemade meals every day and have someone else do the laundry. Besides, Rocket was the best roommate—cute, funny, and didn’t pester him late at night with girl troubles.

“Certificate of Acceptance of Studies,” Sigrid read over his shoulder as she cracked a beer open. “What is that?”

“Just some stuff I have to fill out for college in the UK.”

Knowing he would be moving to London in September, Noah didn’t want to stress or risk having any issues with the visa at the last minute, so he’d already started doing all the paperwork. He knew it only took a month to get it approved, but what if something went wrong and he had to redo some of the documents?

“Oh, right. Your mom told me about it. Fancy.” She smiled, leaning her butt on the counter behind her.

He was starting to think that what they had was more than just a friendship . One, because she was here more times than not. Two, because although Sigrid was definitely outgoing and friendly, she was too comfortable around the house. And three, because it wasn’t news to Noah that his mom had experimented in the past. When he was a kid, she obviously kept a lot of things to herself, but she had no filter these days, and this weird second puberty she was going through only made that worse. But since Trine hadn’t told him anything, he’d let it slide. For now.

“So, you’re really leaving,” Sigrid noted.

“Yeah. But it’s not like it’s that far,” Noah said, aware that his mom had probably whined about it to her. She’d been pouting ever since Noah got an unconditional offer from college.

“True.” Sigrid chuckled. “And London is quite the city. I bet she’ll also have fun when she goes there to visit you.”

“Yup.”

“Anyway, how’s the tattoo doing?”

“Great, actually. I thought that since it was so big, it would take longer for it to heal, but it’s already peeling.”

“Can I see?”

“Sure.” Noah dropped the pen on the kitchen bar table and turned around on the stool, pulling up the hem of his T-shirt until his chest was on full display.

She was the artist, so of course she wanted to see how her piece looked after a week. It was quite big, covering his entire pec and reaching his shoulder. The piece was meaningful and, in his opinion, stunning. But it wasn’t anything wild, just some black lettering depicting how he wanted to live his life: Be there. Be down. Be you .

“Amazing. Your skin is one of the most perfect canvases I’ve ever worked on. So smooth and flawless. And it really heals fast,” she mumbled, grazing her fingertips over Noah’s pec. “I hope you let me put some more ink on you someday.”

Noah smiled, letting his tee fall back down. “Sure will.”

“Hey.” Trine yawned as she walked over to them. “What are you doing here?” she asked, looking at her son.

“Are you kicking me out already?” he quipped.

“Not at all. But I thought you’d have something better to do than stay home when the weather is so nice.” She shrugged.

“Nah, have to complete these papers. Then I plan to laze around for the rest of the afternoon.”

“Sounds good.” Trine chuckled. “We’re going out tonight. Just dinner,” she added when Noah raised an eyebrow. “You wanna tag along?”

“Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow?” He stood up and walked past her toward his bedroom. “Or any other day of the week?”

“Whenever you want.”

“Deal.” He grinned.

Between walks around town with Rocket, gossip dinners with Trine—sometimes with Sigrid too—and binging the last Game of Thrones season, the week passed in the blink of an eye.

Tonight, he was changing the scenery a little.

Theo wanted to come to this club called The Blind Spot because his most recent hookup worked here, and since Noah had no better suggestions, that was what they were doing. It was yet another place that served as both a venue and a pub, but it was a bit more special than the other two they hung out in. They had learned just a few days ago that it was Artificial Suicide’s birthplace—apparently, they had signed their first contract in one of the backstage rooms here. It was a band that only a few years back was performing in crappy bars and was now world-famous, touring with ones like Make Them Suffer, Whitechapel, and even Gojira.

With an obvious alternative style—exposed installations that gave the space an industrial air, black walls with photos of bands who had visited, and an illumination that changed colors and synchronized with the songs blasting through the speakers—this club was a hidden gem in the northwest of Copenhagen.

“This place is sick, dude,” Noah said, looking around as he sipped his drink. “Why haven’t we heard about it before?”

“Gatekeeping. People are shit.”

“That they are.” He chuckled. “Anyway, who’s the lucky girl you’re so obsessed with this month?”

Theo punched him in the ribs jokingly. “The redheaded one, at three.” He tipped his chin toward the right side of the bar.

Noah turned around and checked her out. “She’s cute.”

“And filthy as fuck.” Theo laughed.

“Why you gotta be like that?”

Theo grinned. “You mean free-spirited?”

“No, I mean such an animal.”

“Because I’m an animal and not a self-righteous idiot.”

“You wanna get to her bed alive tonight?” Noah quipped, pointing in her direction with his thumb.

“Actually…” Theo gulped down the last quarter of his drink, banging the counter with the empty beer bottle. “She just made me a sign.”

“What?”

“Do you mind if I sneak out and leave you alone for... let’s say ten minutes?”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me, dude. Really? I’m here just so you can get laid and not get bored between quickies?”

“I’ll be back right after that. I promise.” He patted Noah’s arm and walked toward her.

“That’s gonna be disappointing if it only takes you ten minutes!” Noah shouted.

Without looking back, Theo flipped him off over his shoulder.

Noah knew Theo was gonna ditch him at the end of the night to go to her house. That was the plan from the start, but this was not. Still, he didn’t take it as badly as he would have in the past. Even if the place was packed, he wasn’t afraid to be alone, which was like a free card for drunk extroverts to want to engage in a conversation with him.

Twenty minutes ticked away, but his dumbass of a friend didn’t return, so Noah finished a second beer and went to the bathroom. It was stupid how much that delicious fermented drink made him pee.

Once he was done, hands washed, Noah headed back out. But, of course, he had to bump into him .

They’d gone out with the same group of people a couple more times since their last run-in, but this right now had to be some kind of sick joke. A cheap B movie with a writer that didn’t have anything better to do besides adding shit to keep things entertaining—which they were not.

“Of all the shitty places in this city, you had to walk into this one,” Kaj said.

“What can I say? I have a knack for finding trash.” Noah was so tired of his constant passive aggressiveness that the words just rolled off his tongue. Why couldn’t he ignore him and pretend they didn’t know each other?

“Slumming it tonight, S?rensen, or is this your usual haunt now? Just so I know if I have to cross this place off my list.”

There was a dude behind Kaj. At first, Noah thought he was coming in the same direction because he needed to take a leak or snort a line, but now he wasn’t so sure. The hallway was narrow, but there was still space to walk around them. Yet he stood there, seemingly uncomfortable.

“I thought you had a boyfriend,” Noah tossed, confirming his suspicions about this guy being some sort of toy for him when he bit his bottom lip and looked away.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but Mads and I have an open relationship,” Kaj retorted, his gaze raking over Noah in a way that made him feel exposed and angry all at once.

“I see. Still a slut.” Noah flashed him the most condescending smirk he could manage.

He didn’t care what rocked other peoples’ boats—polyamory, open relationships, monogamy, gangbangs, swingers clubs—he just wanted to irritate Kaj. And apparently, it worked.

“You think you’re funny?” His fists clenched at the sides of his already tense body. Although Noah had no idea what was really going on in his mind at the time, there was a strange glow in Kaj’s eyes, like desperation mixed with fear. But he could also be high on some shit. Who knew?

“I... I’m gonna go,” the dude behind him muttered, gesturing with his head in the direction they’d come from. “You solve whatever this is. We’ll talk another time.”

Kaj didn’t say anything or try to stop him. As the guy walked away, the lights in the dimly lit corridor flickered and the temperature lowered. The savagery of the music playing outside thudded through the walls, but in that moment, it was just them and the growing bitterness.

“I needed that. You just ruined... I needed that.” His mouth twitched. “Are you happy now?”

“It’s not like you’ll have a hard time finding another dick to suck.” Noah shrugged.

“Don’t go there,” Kaj warned.

But Noah was reckless tonight. Didn’t care whether he got hurt again, he wanted to draw some blood. So, he bit the bait.

“You’ve done so before, no?”

“You’re walking on a really thin rope right now, S?rensen. If I were you, I’d shut the hole in my face.”

“So, what? You get to do whatever the hell you want with no consequences?” Noah shot back. Under the apparent healed wounds, he’d been harboring a resentment so heavy that the terrible thoughts he had never dared to voice scalded his tongue.

Kaj had stolen a part of Noah when he made him fall in love, crippling and scarring his heart forever. All he wanted now was to hurt him as badly. To give him a taste of his own medicine.

Kaj’s nostrils flared, his composure cracking as he stepped closer, crowding him. “You think you know everything, don’t you? That it was all so black and white?”

“You’re gonna tell me now it never happened?” Noah’s laugh was harsh, devoid of humor. “Just admit it. You’re a manwhore who can’t keep it in his pants—”

Kaj threw a jab, fast and brutal, striking his jaw squarely. Then he shoved his chest. Noah stumbled, crashing through a door when his back hit it as a metallic taste flooded his mouth. His head buzzed. He didn’t know what hurt more right now, his neck from the sudden jerking motion, his ego, or his face.

Still processing the blow, Noah glared at Kaj with a hand on his cheek, dark strands falling over his eyes. That was when he realized there was a table with chairs around, a couch, and a pile of instrument cases. The place was dimly lit, but it was definitely some sort of staff or backstage room that surely should have been closed.

“Want to keep running your mouth?” Kaj kicked the door behind him shut and slightly raised his fist while Noah stood there paralyzed. He definitely wasn’t planning to let him go. “I didn’t think so.”

A switch turned off, and Noah lost sight of himself.

With an erratic thumping in his chest, he jumped on the offensive. He struck as hard as he could, not leaving the drummer time to do much other than defend himself. He wasn’t the best at this, but having friends who’d gotten in trouble for unknowingly sleeping with someone else’s girlfriend, it wasn’t his first bar brawl. However, when his guard cracked for a split second, everything he gave came back a hundred times harder. This fucker was stronger than he remembered.

The fight was a messy blur of punches and snarled insults, fueled by years of unresolved anger and unspoken heartbreak. Noah landed a hook on his opponent’s ribs, only for Kaj’s fist to connect with his side in return.

“Come on, you stupid fuck.” Kaj laughed after spitting a mouthful of blood on the floor. “Get it out. Trust me, you’ll feel a lot better.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Noah pushed him, panting and squinting his left eye as blood dripped down from his eyebrow. He had nothing to say. All this anger, he was the one provoking it.

“That’s all you’ve got?” he mocked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “You couldn’t kill me even if you tried.”

Kaj was right. He had too much to lose.

His family.

His career.

Himself.

He hated Kaj.

Noah used to be a nice guy. No one had ever made him so furious in his life. He hadn’t known he had it in him. But every word, every condescending look and punch felt like he was being dragged across pavement, flaying his skin. And that was something he wasn’t going to allow anyone to do.

Black dots printed on the inside of his eyelids when Kaj took another shot at his face. His cheek burned. His breathing was ragged. His ears rang. The room spun around. He was numb and hypersensitive at the same time, adrenaline pumping so fast he barely registered the pain.

Unsure how it happened, Kaj grabbed him by the nape. He bent him down and thrust his knee into Noah’s abdomen several times. But the last one... it hit the jackpot on his right side. All kinds of disgusting tingles shot through his limbs, paralyzing and blinding him as his entire system collapsed.

Disoriented, Noah groaned when he fell to the ground. And suddenly, Kaj was straddling him, their faces barely a few inches apart.

“What was that again?” he asked with a hand around his neck, pupils so dilated the blue in his eyes was completely gone.

“Fuck you!” Noah wheezed, wrapping his hands around Kaj’s wrist. “Fuck you, Larsen.”

Noah frowned in confusion when their mouths smashed together.

He writhed beneath Kaj while trying to decide whether to punch him again or keep his hands where they were to avoid being choked to death. But he fell into a chasm of blaring alarms and fire as his body sent contradictory signals to his brain. The frustration, the pain, and everything else they had both been nursing for years was transforming into greed.

They couldn’t confide, but neither could let go.

“Fuck!” Kaj cried out, tightening the grip on his throat when Noah bit his bottom lip.

Breathing heavily, with their nostrils flaring and chests heaving, they stared at each other in silence. Unreal pale-blue eyes blazed with an intensity he’d never seen as Kaj slowly inched closer to his face again. The vein in his neck pounded violently. And there, as their hard dicks pressed against each other through their jeans, Noah became hostage to his most primal urges.

Unable to think logically anymore, he let go of Kaj’s wrist and fisted the front of his T-shirt, opening the gates of hell as he pulled him down.

Teeth clacked and tongues rolled while their hips grinded with desperate need. Maybe the lack of air was mixing up the emotions in his head. Maybe he had a concussion or some other serious brain damage. He was lightheaded and his vision was blurry. His heart was unbridled in his chest, screaming to hurt this man for the torment he’d put him through. However, the lust hatching within had already unplugged his body from his mind.

Recycled lies.

Same old desire.

Kaj pulled away. Without saying a word, he stood up and pulled Noah with him.

“Strip,” he rasped as he undid Noah’s pants.

Noah shoved his shoulder, a look of confused anger threatening to rip him apart, but fear evaporated before it could form in his lungs. “You too.” It wasn’t a request, but a demand.

With determined steps, Kaj walked to the door, and for a moment, Noah panicked, thinking he might open it and leave him here with a weeping, needy dick. Instead, he locked it.

Prowling toward him like a predator, Kaj reached up and gripped the back of his tee, pulling it over his head in a swift movement. He was way broader than the last time Noah had seen him naked. His shoulders and chest looked especially taut and strong. Not bulky, not shredded, but with the perfect amount of muscle and ink. With no body hair in sight, he was a beautiful landscape of ridges and valleys that ended in a sharp V on his hips. Everything flexed and relaxed as he unbuckled his belt and unzipped his jeans.

He stopped right in front of Noah.

“I’m not gonna continue until you undress.”

Without missing a beat, Noah stood up and took off every layer of fabric while Kaj mirrored him. Soon they were both naked, looking at each other as the heads of their cocks brushed. Kaj’s was larger and thicker than the last time Noah had seen it. Still perfectly proportionate with that beautiful curve and reddish head. He almost fainted.

Walking Noah backward, Kaj forcefully grabbed the back of his head and brought their mouths together again. The kiss, fierce and deliberate, ignited Noah’s body as he pushed him down on the couch, rendering him completely useless.

This was the biggest mistake in history, bound for failure and agony, but he couldn’t care less. Not when he’d dreamed about this more times than he was willing to admit. Not when, for a fleeting moment, it was just them, intertwined in a silent armistice.

Their hands trailed up and down, leaving no inch of skin untouched, as if needing to make sense of their existence—a tangible confirmation that this was real.

Reaching between them, Noah wrapped a palm around their cocks while the other fisted Kaj’s hair. Without stopping kissing him, he reveled in the sensation of their engorged heads squeezed together. Fire melted the ice, tasting like blood, mint, and nicotine on Noah’s tongue as proof of their arousal coated his thumb when he rubbed it in rough circles over their slits.

Rancor and possessiveness swirled inside of Noah as he tried not to think about Mads or any other man that had touched Kaj like this, especially not Jesper. But it was impossible. The harder he tried, the more his mind flooded with images he wished to erase. So, he bit and kissed his lips, frantically moving his fist on their dicks as he claimed this man.

He corkscrewed and added a little more pressure, forcing an animalistic groan to vibrate in Kaj’s chest. He touched his forehead to Noah’s, his mouth hovering just above his as he looked down between them, then deep into his eyes.

A wrinkle appeared between his eyebrows. “Fuck…”

Without warning, Kaj shifted position, gripping his hips aggressively and rolling Noah onto his stomach. He wasn’t a lightweight, but this man was determined, and honestly, he was so intoxicated by thoughts of what could have been and the way he was manhandling him, that he abandoned himself to Kaj’s mercy.

With his face pressed to the cushion between his elbows, he raised his ass up too eagerly when Kaj spread his cheeks. This wasn’t his first time—nor the second or third—yet, based on how rough he’d been so far, a part of Noah was scared of what he’d do to him now that he was so vulnerable. But instead of running away or going limp and losing interest, his cock got impossibly harder as anticipation rippled through him.

Spit landed on his asshole and glided down his taint. Then a finger followed the trail, sliding up again to graze his entrance before slipping deep inside him with no resistance. Noah gasped, but before he could adapt to the sudden intrusion, the pressure was gone, and so was Kaj, who was crouching down beside their scattered clothes.

Noah was about to open his mouth and ask what the hell he was doing when he saw the marks on Kaj’s body. There were several parallel dot scars along the sides of his spine and the back of his arms. They were still kind of red, so they were most likely recent. Scarifications?

“Gonna need these,” Kaj said, showing him the packages between his fingers as he stood up.

Without giving him the chance to dwell too much on what he’d seen, the drummer ripped the lube open and squeezed some on Noah’s ass. Keeping him spread with a palm, fingers digging into his flesh, he got to work on him.

One finger, then two, churned in and out of him, curling against his prostate. It was humiliating to be like this, kneeling on a couch that had probably witnessed unspeakable stories of sex and drugs, with his ex’s knuckles deep into his ass, drooling and shivering like he’d never been touched before. But at least he wasn’t alone. He could hear the way Kaj’s breathing had turned shallow as repressed grunts died in his throat.

“You’re such a quivering mess. So ready and eager for dick,” Kaj sneered, letting out a husky chuckle. “Who’s the slut now?”

“Not a slut, just not new at this, you fucking asshole.” Noah turned his face to look at him, glimpsing what definitely looked like a disappointed frown. “What? You thought I’d wait for you?”

Kaj fisted Noah’s hair at its roots and added a third finger into his ass. “I hope you had a good time because”—his movements became rougher—“I’m gonna fucking ruin you for all other men out there, you piece of shit.”

“Yeah?” Noah moaned, not even trying to hide how damn turned on he was. “Do you actually have what it takes to fuck me like you own me?”

“Shut up.” Kaj pulled out of him.

Noah was buzzing, his pulse too loud to hear anything that wasn’t his own shaky breaths, but then the wrapper of a condom landed on the floor. Lust zigzagged through him when Kaj coated himself with lube, smearing more on Noah’s ass, probing him with four fingers now. They were panting, and if Kaj’s heart was pounding anywhere as fast as his, he was probably close to tachycardia, too.

The head of Kaj’s cock pressed against Noah’s ass. He wanted to push his hips back, but also indulge in this moment as Kaj stretched him open. Heat swamped every cell in his body, and that was when he felt it—pure raging ecstasy.

Kaj fucked Noah with solid, punishing strokes, keeping a palm between his shoulder blades to pin him down while the other stayed firm on his hip. Noah couldn’t see anything with his long hair falling messily over his face, practically buried into the cushion, but he could feel the temperature rising in the room. His hands latched onto the armrest, holding on for dear life as he was thrust forward repeatedly. He groaned, letting out a string of profanities and pleas, unable to keep his voice down.

The sounds of slapping skin and ragged breaths resonated in the space as their hips grinded and slammed and rolled in sync. A visceral urge to claim what had always been theirs swept over them. The emotions were so muddled that the need to please and the impulse to hurt each other became one.

Goosebumps spattered over Noah’s back with overwhelming desire. “I’m gonna come.”

The release shattered him completely. A guttural moan vibrated through him as spurts of sticky cum splashed all over the couch underneath him, and he fell into sweet, filthy nothingness. He was vaguely aware of Kaj’s orgasm when his own groans echoed in the room before he collapsed on top of him.

They lay there for a while, destroyed, tangled, and still connected as they tried to catch their breaths. The calmness was almost absolute, only disturbed by the distant thud of music outside.

Everything felt like poetic reverie—the smell of sex, the aftershocks traveling through each one of his nerves, the deep relief, the exhaustion...

“I told you,” Kaj husked, pulling out of him and standing. “ Easy .”

The guilt.

It was all very fucking real.