If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Twenty-two

On Sunday, Noah didn’t even want to leave his room. Not because he was hungover or physically hurt, but because he couldn’t face the reality of what he had done.

Sure, he and Zach weren’t dating per se, but they had an agreement, and he’d broken it in the worst possible way.

Bringing his legs to his chest, Noah curled in his bed, wishing he could fall asleep so his brain stopped running in circles about something that had no solution, but it was too bright outside for that. The sound of his mom doing dishes and listening to music on the other side of the wall made it all that much worse. She was probably doing it on purpose to make him move his ass—last time he checked, it was past one in the afternoon—but he’d rather be chopped into little pieces and get swallowed up by the earth.

He was supposed to go back to the dorms the previous night, but he needed some time to deal with his shame before facing Val and Theo.

He had fucking cheated. He had done exactly what he’d accused and gotten mad at Kaj for doing. It was why they’d fallen apart. Because after that, he couldn’t trust him anymore. Because he felt so worthless, humiliated, and hurt, he simply couldn’t continue, no matter how much he’d loved him. But he had let that man trap him in his web of deception and lust.

Now he didn’t know what to do or how to feel.

Had been there something lacking in their relationship that made Kaj fuck his stepbrother? Based on what his friends and mom had told him, Noah tried to convince himself that he wasn’t the problem, that what his ex had done was only on him. But what if he really wasn’t enough? What if for Kaj, there was something missing? Not that there was any good reason to betray someone, but what if he’d lost sight of reality for just one second and let desire drive him just like it’d happened to him last night?

The worst part now, however, was trying to decide whether he should tell Zach. It would be selfish to ease his guilt by hurting him, but at the same time, it would be unfair to not tell him the truth.

Fuck!

Angry at himself, Noah turned over and buried his face in the pillow. How could he have been so stupid? So easy ? Regret. Fear. Self-consciousness. It all meshed in one big fucking lie.

A knock on the door distracted him from the turmoil in his head. “Noah?” Mom called. “Are you okay? Need anything?”

“I’m good, just not feeling like getting up,” he said hoarsely.

“Too much to drink last night?” she asked, peeking her head through the door. “I could prepare you something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Some iced tea or any other cold soda?”

“Nah, thanks.”

“You sure you’re... okay?” She entered the room and froze with the dishcloth in her hands and a contorted expression on her face. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Hm?”

“Noah, your face! You got into a fight? Is that why you didn’t go to the dorm last night?” She approached, but he turned away. “I assumed Theo had kicked you out to have some privacy with his date or something. Then he texted this morning because you weren’t there and he couldn’t reach you... but this?” She paused, allowing him time to explain, but he didn’t. “What did you get yourself into?”

“Nothing.”

“Noah…” Her tone was still warm and understanding, but there was a hint of exasperation in it, too.

He huffed, pulling off the sheets and sitting up on his bed. “I’m fine, physically. I just quite literally fucked up last night, okay?” He let his head hang low, hair grazing his forearms and partially covering his face.

“What do you mean?”

Bitterness flooded his mouth. “I fucked someone that isn’t Zach.”

It was subtle, but she gasped. Not wanting to hear what she had to say, he stood up and walked past her to lock himself in the bathroom. He stayed there longer than necessary, doing nothing but pee, shower, and sit on the toilet lid with his head between his hands, and he took care of his bruised face. He looked like a damn Picasso painting with his purple eye, a cut on the eyebrow and another on his lip, completing his gutter-rat look. Just what he needed right now.

When he got out, he dragged his feet to the living room, where Trine was sitting on the couch reading a book. Guess she’s already had lunch. He plopped onto the armchair across from her, but she didn’t say a word. She actually allowed him a minute or two to stare out the window before starting a conversation he didn’t want to have.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“What happened?” she insisted.

He sighed. “Kaj. That’s what happened.”

Again, a gasp, this time followed by a subtle grumble.

“Yeah, yeah, you didn’t raise me like that.” Noah rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“I know what you’re thinking, and that I should be ashamed, and I am. Trust me, I am. I have no idea what got into me.”

“Is it awful that you did it? Yes. But honestly...” She rested her mug on the table. “I don’t think it would have happened with anyone else. You’re not like that.”

“Apparently, I am!”

“It was Kaj.”

“That doesn’t make it any better.”

“I’m not trying to make it better, just pointing it out. You don’t trust or love people easily, and when you do, you do it deeply. And Kaj... he was always special to you.”

“He’s not anymore.”

She twisted her mouth and avoided his gaze, considering what to say next. “Still...”

They fell silent, basking in the light seeping through the thin linen curtains. It made the area look that much more cozy and warm, enhancing the color of the room. Noah wished he could stay forever and die here. Why was taking responsibility for his mistakes so fucking hard?

“What are you going to do?” Trine asked, exploding his bubble.

“About what?”

“Kaj? Zach?” She lifted a shoulder.

Noah’s brows furrowed for a second. “Nothing? I mean, it was a mistake.” His heart writhed. “Never gonna happen again.”

“Oh, okay. Then... you’re gonna keep dating Zach?”

“We’re not dating, Mom.”

“Call it whatever you want, but you’ve been seeing him exclusively for how long? Five months?”

“Yeah.”

“So, that. Are you going to continue sleeping with him? Are you going to tell him ?”

“I-I... don’t know.” Noah slumped deeper into the chair. “I don’t wanna ruin what we have.”

“I think you kinda already did that.”

“Ouch?” He winced.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to be so harsh but, honey, you need to face this. Hiding won’t solve anything, and guilt... she’s a bitch.”

“I don’t wanna tell him so I can free myself. Plus, he’ll leave me.”

“Whether he stays or leaves, that’s up to him. You can’t take away the option for him to decide what he wants. Honesty and respect. You owe him that much.”

“I know... and I hate it.”

“Being an adult sucks.”

“So much.”

On Monday, Noah finally returned to the dorms.

“What the fuck, dude?” was the first thing Theo said when he saw him, dropping the controller and stopping whatever video game he was playing. “Where the hell have you been? You almost gave me a heart attack when I came back to the bar and couldn’t find you. And what the hell happened to you?”

“Sorry.”

“You haven’t answered any of my texts these past two days. If it weren’t for your mom, I’d have thought you were dead in some ditch or something, and judging by your face, you were close enough.”

“It was just a stupid bar fight.” Noah walked toward his bed, dropping a bag of clean clothes.

“Are you okay?” Val asked. He’d already returned from visiting his family, too, and was sitting at a small desk they had, cleaning his camera.

“Honestly?” They both nodded. “No, I’m not okay.”

“What happened?” Theo insisted.

“I fucked up big time.” Noah let himself fall on his bed, the mattress bouncing him slightly as he did. “I cheated on Zach.”

“But... you’re not dating.”

“We agreed to be exclusive, and that if we ever felt like we wanted to sleep with someone else, we’d talk about it first. But I just went behind his back and did it.”

“It was a one-time thing, no?” Theo asked, tilting his head.

“Absolutely. Never happening again.”

“Then I say you bury that shit deep within and never think about it again. We’re all human and make mistakes. He doesn’t need to know.” He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal.

“But hiding the truth from him feels as wrong as telling him.”

“If what you have isn’t that serious, he shouldn’t take it that badly, either. But I still hold on to what I said before—swallow the guilt and move on.”

“It would hurt me if he lied to me about something like this and I found out later through someone else...”

“Dude, it’s not like we’re gonna tell anyone shit.” Theo pretended to zip his mouth and toss the key.

“But...” Noah clenched his jaw. After Kaj had pulled out of him, as he disposed of the condom with a condescending triumphant smirk on his face, he had re-dressed without looking at him, then walked out the same door he’d come in and left. “I can’t say if someone saw me walking out of that room at the club the other night or not. I was so baffled about what I’d done, I didn’t even check.”

“It happened there?”

“Yeah.” Noah ran trembling fingers through his hair. “Right after I got the shit beat out of me.”

“Who was this guy?” Val, who had been suspiciously quiet, narrowed his eyes and asked, “Do we know him?”

Noah swallowed a mouthful of saliva.

“Oh, shit. We do !” Theo exclaimed. “Of course we fucking do. It’s not like you’re gonna screw a rando.”

“Noah?” Val pressed.

“It was Kaj, okay?” A wave of shame washed over him, and he ruffled his hair, annoyed.

Val and Theo remained silent for way too long, so he raised his head, only to find them staring at him with something that looked like pity and concern.

“What?” he snapped.

“Nothing,” Val said.

“What?” he repeated, his tone harsher.

“I was just thinking... Do you think he’ll tell Mads?”

“I don’t know if they talk about that crap, but they’re in an open relationship. It’s not like it really matters.”

“I get that, but—” Theo hesitated for a moment. “Mads is friends with Zach.”

Shit. He hadn’t thought about that.

“Maybe, just to avoid any further damage, you should just talk to him...”

Noah frowned, taking a deep breath through his nose.

“Just be honest with him,” Val suggested.

“Easier said than done.”

“I know...” He flashed him an understanding, weak smile.

Noah liked Zach. He really did, even if sex with him had never been like it was with Kaj the previous night. Even if he could never love him like he’d loved Kaj in the past. Zach was the best fucking thing that had happened to him in years, and the thought of hurting him made Noah sick to his stomach.

He hated the prospect of hurting Zach. And most of all, he hated that this was all his fault.

On Thursday, Noah finally met with Zach after two weeks without seeing each other.

They had been texting throughout his trip, sharing memes and photos almost every day—him of the amazing landscapes on the USA’s West Coast, and Noah of Rocket. They had also video called and, of course, discussed the yellowish bruise on his eye and the still visible cuts on his eyebrow and lip.

Although what he had done was always in the back of his head, he’d muted the noise from time to time, convincing himself that Zach would understand and not care about it. But who was he kidding?

“Hey, pretty boy,” he greeted, leaning on the doorframe as he opened it.

“Hey.” Noah smiled.

“I kinda missed you.” Zach stepped forward, cupping Noah’s face with both hands and joining their mouths in a slow kiss that had their lips molding like they belonged together.

“I missed you, too.”

“Good thing we have the entire place to ourselves.”

Fuck .

“I... I thought we could go for a walk? Grab a coffee or something.”

Zach’s expression faltered. “Ehm... Yeah, sure.”

He bent forward to put on his Vans. Meanwhile, Noah glanced inside the apartment. From here, he could only see the living room and the door that led into the kitchen on the right. He had spent countless weekends here since Zach finished his course, watching movies, playing board games, and having mind-blowing sex that sadly never satisfied him on an emotional level. How stupid was that? Sex was about physical gratification, and Zach was a gold medal Olympic athlete at that. But he needed more, and hadn’t realized how important that aspect really was for him until that night.

He wasn’t in love with Kaj anymore. At least, he didn’t think he was. But his mind, his mouth, and every inch of his skin recognized him as the half he’d been missing all this time. He didn’t need to think about it that night at the club, just followed Kaj’s heartbeats, allowing him to cast a spell on him that hazed his reasoning.

After getting some takeaway coffees, Zach and Noah went to the park. They walked down the central path under tall, lush trees and birds singing, talking about Zach’s holiday and how everything was advancing with Noah’s college plans.

“What is it, Noah? Out with it.”

“What do you mean?” He wasn’t playing dumb, but he caught him off guard.

“You didn’t wanna stay at home and you’re absent-minded.”

“Can we just...” Noah looked around. There were families walking, people jogging, a few couples sitting under the shadow of the trees in the grassy areas adorned with flowers. Then he saw an empty bench near the pond on the path to the left. “Can we sit?”

“Sure.”

It hadn’t even been a microsecond since their asses touched the wooden surface before Zach spoke again.

“Noah, all this is giving me a bad feeling.” He chuckled bitterly. “Or am I imagining it?”

He bit his bottom lip and avoided looking at those beautiful hazel irises—or he would end up crying like a fucking baby. “I’m sorry.”

Zach sighed. “What happened?”

“I-I...” Noah’s gaze raised to him again. Zach had reclined on the bench, arms crossed over his chest, head tossed back, and eyes closed. His profile, edged by the afternoon glow, was as masculine and perfect as ever with those full lips, straight nose, and slight brow ridge. But the wrinkle between his eyebrows clearly said he wasn’t as relaxed as he looked. “I... since this is gonna end eventually, and I’m so busy getting everything ready before college, I think I need more time to myself.” Such a lame excuse .

Zach turned his face and gazed into Noah’s eyes, as if trying to read him. “Am I a burden to you?”

“What? No! Not at all.”

“Then I don’t get it. Do you not like me anymore? It’s okay if that’s what this is.”

“That’s not it...” It really wasn’t . “You’re incredible, Zach. And it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re the first guy I’ve had sex with, the full kind. Our connection is real. But I just—I can’t do this right now.” He clenched his fists that were resting on his bent leg.

“Who is it?”

“Who is what?”

“The other guy.” Zach sat up and turned his body toward Noah so they faced each other. “I think you’re trying to avoid hurting my feelings by not telling me the whole truth, but I’ve known you long enough to know this isn’t about college or our expiration date.”

“I-I...” Noah squeezed his eyes shut to repress the tears. “I hate this so much, Zach, but... I-It’s Kaj.”

“Okay.” He motioned with his head, prompting him to continue.

“There’s nothing going on, though,” Noah rushed to say. “Well—” He bit his bottom lip. “I—we kinda...”

“Fucked?” He clenched his jaw.

Noah grimaced and wished he was six feet under. He was such a coward, but also glad that Zach was so intuitive and smart because getting the words out felt like burning his tongue with acid.

With a sigh, Zach covered Noah’s hand with his, brushing a thumb gently over his knuckles. “You know, I played dumb for a while, but the unresolved tension between you two is too obvious.”

“It’s not like I wanna try anything with him. He’s messed up. We’re like water and oil, but... I can’t help it, and lying to you feels so wrong.”

“I get it.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his beautiful eyes. “What we have—what we had, was just friendship with some great sex, you and him, that was a lot more. So, I’m not gonna go batshit crazy over it, but I’m also not gonna deny it hurts like a bitch to hear you say all this. To know someone else has touched you while you were with me. Makes me feel like—”

Noah unclenched his fists and squeezed Zach’s hands between his, cutting what he was going to say. “Don’t even go there. Zach, you’ve been nothing but good to me in all fucking ways. From our conversations to the sex, everything was incredible with you. I couldn’t have asked for more. I’m the problem here.”

He let out a weak chuckle. “Thank you for saying that. I should have known better, though. The way you look at each other...” His nostrils flared and his eyes watered. “If I’m being completely honest, I had hoped that, maybe, with time, you’d forget about him and start seeing me differently.”

Another crack in Noah’s heart.

He looked down at their hands. Zach’s were strong and manly, yet delicate at the same time. And so talented. “I’m really so fucking sorry.”

He shook his head, still smiling. “It’s alright. It was amazing while it lasted. We will always have the park.” Zach flashed a complicit smirk. He wasn’t referring to this one or today, but to a night they were so horny, they didn’t make it home and ended up jerking each other at ?rstedsparken.

Noah chuckled, relieved but defeated. “Yeah, and every minute we’ve spent together.”

“Call me before you leave the country, yeah?”

“Of course.”

Zach tucked a lock of hair behind Noah’s ear and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss on his lips. They embraced one last time. The familiar scent of him, like a summer breeze, hit his nose, and Noah died a little inside. He didn’t want to let go of him, but this was the right thing to do.

“See you around,” Zach said as he broke the kiss and stood up slowly.

After that, they saw each other several times before he actually moved for college. They weren’t in the same friend group, but they always ended up chatting a bit. And although things had changed and they didn’t have as much time to hang out, even to this day, they were still friends. Because, while Noah could have never loved him the way he deserved, Zach had inspired him in more ways than one, marking a before and after in his life, and for that he would be eternally grateful.