If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Twenty-three

May rolled in, and with classes over, anyone would assume, based on his age, that Noah would be having the time of his life. But no. Instead, he was working two jobs.

Living in the UK, Noah’s plan was to survive on his grandma’s inheritance, the bursary he hoped to be awarded, and whatever extra from any part-time role he managed to get once he was settled. One of the downsides of coming from a family that never had much was having to juggle numbers, but he was used to it by now. He would only ask Trine for money if he started having to decide between eating and paying rent.

He wanted to prove to himself that he could be independent and trouble her as little as possible with this stuff. It’d been his decision to move to such an expensive city, which was also why he’d been hopping on a train to stay at his mom’s and wasn’t traveling or partying much either. During the weekdays, he was freelancing as a guitar teacher, and from Thursdays to Saturdays, he worked as a barman, so he already had plenty of alcohol-related outings.

He did have free time, too, of course. He met a lot with the guys. Hung out at the apartment they shared several times a week, sometimes even spent the night on their couch. Val had decided to not continue studying and was working as an apprentice for Trine’s boss in Copenhagen, and Theo was studying visual design and interaction, living his best life courtesy of student government financial aid and the money his dad was already providing.

Did Noah feel some sort of jealousy? He did. Their lives sounded much easier than his, but he was the one to blame for being so keen on studying music abroad.

The last month had been one of change and growth as they stepped over the line that truly separated adolescence and adulthood. A month of introspection and acceptance. A month without Zach. Noah missed him so much some days, he wanted to take back what he had said and beg him to give him a second chance. But that would be selfish, so he just sucked it up and dealt with going cold turkey by himself.

That shit was too fucking real, but he had never thought he would experience something like it. Sexual intimacy didn’t happen for him until he was fifteen. Then there was a two-year period of nothing until he had penetrative sex with Zach at nineteen, and he was perfectly fine with it.

Some would say the difference was that the first time, stopping abruptly had also come with other consequences that affected his libido—low self-esteem and a borderline depression phase. Not this time. He was sad about what he had lost, sure, but he was excited for what was ahead of him, even if he was on his own. Noah didn’t think finding happiness depended on sharing his life with someone else. But damn, the lack of sex... it drove him nuts some days. No one had caught his attention enough that he wanted to get to know them. And without that, his dick was simply not interested, no matter how hot some men he’d met were.

It had gotten so bad he had even considered replying to Kaj’s texts.

Unknown April 22

Hey

Can we meet sometime this week?

To talk about last time

April 25

You seriously gonna be this lame?

April 26

Hey, asshole

He hadn’t known who it was at first, but as he read the messages, something in his brain clicked and he recognized the phone number. One he had deleted years before.

Kaj had texted him a week after the backstage incident , probably drunk or high on some shit, and he’d never answered, but the idea of him kneeling, sucking his dick, was the most alluring thing he could think of at the moment.

Certifiable.

But it could also be because he knew tonight he would see him —Poisoned Letters was playing at the metal venue bar he worked at.

He’d known he risked this happening when he accepted the job, but the pay was too good to reject. Besides, according to the schedule for the next few months, they wouldn’t be performing here again until December, and Noah would be gone by then, so it was just one night. It wasn’t like they had to engage in conversation or anything. Kaj would be busy and so would he.

With a sigh, Noah grabbed his keys and walked out the door. Forty minutes later, he was at the venue.

The concerts started at nine, so the place was already loud and packed. People were drinking like there was no tomorrow, which was only a bad omen of soiled bathrooms and sticky floors.

Noah greeted his coworkers as he stepped behind the bar while putting his hair up, a few shorter strands escaping the messy bun. He hated it—not the locks falling over his face, but having to wear it like this. With how hectic these nights could get, it would end up all sweaty and stuck to the back of his neck, anyway. This was the best option.

For the next hour and a half, everything went smoothly. He chitchatted with some of the patrons while pouring their drinks and rushed through several rounds of shots for a group of friends celebrating a bachelor party, judging by their penis hats. Then Poisoned Letters stepped on stage, and Noah wished he didn’t have to be there. Although he could avoid looking, the drumbeats resonating through every particle of air hit him like shrapnel, bringing memories of different moments of life he didn’t want to remember.

It made no sense to consider any possibility that wasn’t ignoring each other, even if a part of Noah was curious to pry open the door at the end of the corridor to see what could happen. Not when his resentment was so big. Not when they were nothing but an alienation of their past. The sex had been so cathartic that his brain was clinging to the reflection of old emotions just to have an excuse to get another taste. But none of this was real.

Noah busied himself washing glasses and talking to his coworkers when he wasn’t pouring drinks. He even had a few minutes to check his socials while people watched the show. Leaning his ass against the counter, where dozens of distilled spirits were aligned, he scrolled and scrolled, liking a few posts but only fully reading a couple of them.

“Hey, asshole,” a voice called. “Are you gonna ignore me here, too?”

When Noah raised his head, there he was, glaring at him like he’d offended all his ancestors.

“Sorry. Didn’t hear you. What can I get you?”

“Whiskey.” Kaj slid him one of the free drink tickets the bands were granted when they played here.

“Right away.”

Noah grabbed the bottle and turned toward him again with a glass in hand. He served the drink, having to actually concentrate on what he was doing to not mess up. Kaj’s stare was so intense that even without looking at him, he could feel the pressure boring a hole in his face.

“There you go. Anything else I can do for you?” Noah asked, ready to move to the opposite end of the bar.

“Are you really gonna do this?” Kaj slurred. “You’re such a fucking coward.”

Noah held his gaze under the dimly lit atmosphere, realizing just now how big his pupils were. Something other than alcohol was running through his system. He clenched his jaw, glancing to the sides to check no one was watching their interaction. Kaj seemed to be short-fused on a regular basis, and he didn’t want his anger to explode right here, so he had to be smarter.

“Not here. I don’t need to air the details of my private life to everyone.”

“When then?” Kaj asked before taking a swig of whiskey.

“After my shift.”

“When’s that?”

“We close at three in the morning, but between cleaning and all, I’d say four?”

“Okay.”

And just like that, Kaj walked away, pushing through the throngs of people until he reached his bandmates.

Noah didn’t have to deal with him for the rest of the night as he went to one of his coworkers for his next two drinks, which was nice. He didn’t need his bullshit while he was trying to work. That he’d accepted his offer to talk later was a plus, because he was sure Kaj wouldn’t last until then. With the amount of alcohol he was drinking, and whatever else he’d taken, the drummer would be unconscious soon enough.

The last hour passed quickly. Once the lights switched on and the music abruptly ended, between murmurs and grumbles, people started to leave. The staff divided their tasks between the bar and the dance floor. They didn’t get into full cleaning mode, just picked up all the trash, wiped the working area and the broken glasses on the ground—there was not one night this didn’t happen, but it still took a while to get it all set. Thank fuck the venue was big enough for their employer to hire an external team that would come the next morning to take care of the bigger things like sweeping, mopping, and doing the bathrooms.

Noah had already packed his things, so he grabbed as many trash bags as he could and walked out of the bar. To his surprise, Kaj was there, leaning against his band’s van.

“It’s about time,” he said as he pushed himself off the vehicle.

Shit. “What are you doing here?”

“You said we’d meet after your shift was over.”

“Because I thought you’d go home before that, considering the state you were in,” Noah blurted while throwing the bags in the container.

“Nice try.”

“How are you even standing?”

“I drank like a gallon of water and slept it off in the van.” He pointed his thumb behind him.

“And your friends?” Noah crossed his arms.

“They went home.” Kaj shrugged. “I’m the one driving most days since my crap takes up most of the space ,” he said, probably reciting his bandmates’ words.

“I see...” Noah looked to his side. The street that led to the train station was right there, two steps away.

“Planning to run away?” Kaj’s tone was derisive.

“No.”

Kaj snorted. “Right.”

“Anyway,” Noah sighed. “What is it you wanted to talk about? Must be important if you waited here till I got out. Or did my ass give you whiplash last time, and your boyfriend doesn’t do it for you anymore?”

“Mads is perfect. Tight and submissive.” Kaj smirked, wickedness glowing in his eyes.

“Good for you.” Noah huffed, exasperated. “Why am I here?”

“Because I wanna fuck you again.”

Noah’s jaw dropped to the floor, and his arms hung limp at his sides. The way Kaj—standing only a couple of meters away—so blatantly and nonchalantly let that roll off his tongue was appalling.

“And you called me easy.” Noah recovered part of his composure, crossing his arms again.

Kaj shrugged, shamelessly unapologetic.

“You’re delirious.”

Noah started walking away, but his back hit the wall and Kaj was literally breathing down his neck.

“Tell me you haven’t thought about it one single time since that night.” Kaj inched closer. A sliver of air passed between them as he caged Noah’s head with both arms, making the traitor in his pants thicken. “That fighting me, trying to tame me, and ending up with my dick in your ass didn’t turn you on like nothing before.”

Noah rolled his eyes in an attempt to mask the way those words affected him. “Is this how you usually seduce your victims?”

“I’m usually the one being chased.”

“Well, I’m not that desperate.”

Kaj pressed his body against him. He was hard, too. “Is the guilt stopping you?”

“What guilt?”

“For cheating on your boyfriend and liking it.”

“Fuck you.”

“Come on. What’s stopping you? You’re single now, from what I’ve heard.” The ghost of a smirk tugged the corner of Kaj’s mouth when Noah looked at him wide-eyed. “Mads told me about it.”

“Unbelievable...”

“I kinda get the feeling it was because of me and how much you enjoyed my dick.”

“Fuck you twice, you fucking cunt.” Noah glared at him and tried to free himself. “I didn’t like it as much as you think. I can’t even stand you.”

“Try with a different lie. The way you came all over the couch, hands-free, slobbering and trembling like you were having a seizure, told a different story,” Kaj husked, ignoring Noah’s refusal.

An electric jolt shot straight to his balls when he didn’t back away, and the images of that night raced into his mind like a tsunami, destroying everything in its path.

Noah was barely hanging by a thread. Deep down, he wanted to get railed like that again. He craved to be so overcome by the sensations assaulting his body that he couldn’t form a coherent thought. He craved to be overpowered, manhandled, and practically forced to orgasm against his own will. Because while he’d enjoyed dominating and fucking Zach, the rush he had gotten while being on the other end of the deed with Kaj was otherworldly. But he wasn’t going to admit that out loud. Not to him.

“I don’t care about what happened that night. I don’t wanna repeat it. Not with you.” Noah pushed his palms against Kaj’s chest. “What is it you don’t understand about the word no ?”

“The part where your mouth is contradicting your dick.” Kaj’s hips grinded tantalizingly slowly.

Noah’s heart thudded with violence, thinning his self-control as seconds ticked away. With their gazes locked, daring and slowly sinking into a mess they couldn’t undo, neither of them retreated. Not even an inch. This man was like cyanide, but apparently Noah was willing to drink it all and put himself at risk.

“Are you gonna remain a coward?” Kaj rasped, flashing him a ridiculously sexy smirk. “Or are you gonna take what you clearly want?”

Fisting Kaj’s tee, Noah mentally cursed himself before giving in to temptation. When it came to this man, he’d always been weak, greedy, biased, and degenerate. Moral concepts and social etiquette didn’t matter with him. Because with Kaj, Noah had found that sharp edge he’d always been missing.

“Just sex,” he said between kisses.

“Yeah,” Kaj replied, gripping his ass tighter, turning the pressure between the swollen dicks in their jeans painful.

“Non-exclusive.” He couldn’t help showing how easy he was, but there was no way he was going to let Kaj know he held any power over him. This was only happening because Noah needed it and no one else was on his radar. At least, that was what he wanted to believe.

“Of course.” Kaj panted. “Do you think I’d give up my freedom for you?”

God! Noah hated this guy. He hated his gorgeous face, broad shoulders, ripped forearms, and perfect lips. Hated that after so long he still knew exactly what to say or do to ruffle his feathers. Hated the way he dragged some syllables and how his voice made him feel.

So, he kissed his stupid mouth roughly to shut him up.

To stop from thinking about how getting involved with him was the worst fucking idea.

To get the fix he’d been denying himself for a month.

As their tongues rolled, Kaj glided a hand up and grabbed the back of Noah’s neck, pulling him toward the van. The sound of the vehicle unlocking broke the silence in the street, and with nothing but raw desire taking over, they climbed into the back seat. Their T-shirts flew, followed by unbuckled belts, unzipped jeans, and knocking knees as they undressed clumsily, too feverish to be graceful.

The night was warm and quiet on the other side of the glass, but they were still in the city, parked on a street lined with other clubs that didn’t close until five in the morning. They could get caught.

Any other time, Noah would have worried, panicked even. Not tonight.

Not when they were so far past the point of no return.

Not when his body was thrilled by the simple thought of someone witnessing his urgency meeting Kaj’s.

Hard dicks throbbed in each other’s hands as they feasted on maddening kisses and the heat encapsulating them. Kaj’s short stubble scraped Noah’s chin. It burned, but he didn’t care as long as he kept touching him.

Slumping back in his seat, he bucked his hips, matching the drummer’s rhythm. “Shit. Keep going… Just like that.” He moaned, closing his eyes when Kaj squeezed the head of his cock, thumbing the slit and the ridge under its crown with purpose.

Precum leaked as Kaj moved his fist up and down, slowly getting faster and rougher on his dick, on his lips, on his tongue. It felt like he was a starving, wild creature and Noah was his prey. He bit, sucked, and licked every inch of his mouth, free hand clawing on the back of Noah’s neck to keep him exactly where he wanted.

If he continued like this, Noah would be done in no time.

Breaking the kiss, he folded over himself to buy himself some extra time. He’d been wanting to do this since the very first second he saw Kaj’s dick the last time, anyway.

Noah started slowly, circling his tongue around his crown, trailing it down his cock to suck at the root. Kaj tasted so good, his musky scent reminding him of the salacious fantasies he’d indulged in more times than not when jacking off. It was otherworldly touching this man like this once again.

Noah moved the palm he had on Kaj’s thigh and wrapped it around his dick as he pushed him into his mouth.

“Oh, fuck!” Kaj grunted, stiffening as he threaded his fingers through Noah’s hair.

The memories from the past colliding with the present unleashed a new array of emotions he didn’t expect. It felt like he was trapped in a dream he couldn’t escape, no matter how much it hurt or how deep he fell. He could feel it all, from the goosebumps on his back when he gagged, to the thick vein pulsing against his tongue, to the way Kaj’s thighs tensed and relaxed with every wave of pleasure, to his own heart writhing behind his ribs.

He bobbed up and down, corkscrewing the base of Kaj’s cock with one hand while gently rolling his balls in the other. Drool flooded his mouth and slid between his fingers, adding an extra layer of indecency to the sounds they were making. Alternating shallow, suctioning movements with longer ones that had his lips touching his own knuckles, Noah plunged into a state where he was so conscious of every cell in his body that he could control even the smallest twitch.

Kaj was panting, practically moaning, clutching Noah’s skull and pushing him farther down. He choked slightly with the abrupt intrusion, but he’d trained with Zach—the dude was packing. So, after taking several deep breaths through his nose, he relaxed.

“Jesus. You’re so good at this... Oh, shit!” Kaj groaned, glazing Noah’s tongue with precum when he contracted his throat voluntarily.

If he could, he’d have smiled.

“Fuck!”

He repeated it.

“Fuck, S?rensen...” Kaj moaned again as he continued sucking him like a fiend. “Stop... stop, stop, stop.” He pulled Noah’s hair and grabbed him by the throat, chest rising and falling with rapid breaths. “I said fucking stop .” He glared at Noah without letting go of him. “You want me to fuck you or to kill you?”

“Why don’t you try the second while doing the first?” Noah challenged him.

“Turn around.”

“Make me.”

It was dim inside the van, with only the streetlamps outside illuminating the space, but he still saw the spark of lust in Kaj’s eyes. The foreplay and the tug-of-war came to an end and desire tarnished this strange mix of hate and passion.

Kaj tightened his grip on him and forced him down. Trying in vain to put up a fight, Noah hit the center console with his knee, the pulsing sensation barely registering as his cock got insanely hard. In this position, twisted over his side with his head pulled back and one of the drummer’s legs threaded between his, hot breath grazing the skin of his neck, he was useless. It was painful, but fuck if this didn’t make him hot.

“Are you gonna fuck me now?”

“Still trying to decide if I should strangle you to death and dump your body in the river instead.”

“And waste your boner?” It was massive, pressed against Noah’s flesh. “Such a shame.”

“Shut the fuck up.” He propped one hand on the seat, covering Noah’s mouth with the other. Then he shifted his position. Freeing Noah’s legs, he nudged the back of them with his knee. “Get on all fours.” It was a command.

There was not much space for them to rearrange comfortably, but none of the logistics mattered when Kaj spread Noah’s asscheeks apart and ran his tongue from the base of his balls to his rim.

Trailing his teeth and lips over the flesh of his ass, from one side to the other, Kaj’s tongue dipped slightly to swirl over his hole. He repeated this ritual of lapping, kissing, and nibbling several times as he snaked an arm around his front to jerk off his dick, making him squirm with the tortuous feeling of being toyed with. Noah was about to cry out for more when Kaj speared his entrance. In and out. In and out. He vibrated with pleasure as that wet, muscular organ severed all cords tethering him to reality.

Kaj slipped his free arm between Noah’s thighs and wrapped it around his waist, splaying his fingers over his ass to keep it open. He thoroughly licked and sucked him, eliciting vertiginous sensations that turned Noah into a wild animal in heat.

Moving his hips back shamelessly when Kaj shoved two fingers inside of him, Noah released a shuddering moan, earning a deep-chested growl in response. The drummer curled and rubbed them against his prostate, churning and scissoring and stretching his ass.

“Look at you... fucking yourself into my fingers. Such a wrecked, defiled mess.”

Noah wanted to be mad at him, but it was impossible when he was pushing him to the edge without letting him fall completely. The haze was so intense he could feel it slithering into his bones.

Kaj spanked him, adding a third finger when he sagged. “Don’t stop.”

Time passed like a flutter. At some point, Noah lost track of time and himself. He even forgot his own name when a strong hand tugged his sack, rolling his balls while his ass was ruthlessly plundered.

Insatiable, he wanted more.

And more.

And more.

Then Kaj spat inside of him, Noah could feel the saliva sliding down his taint, blending with the sweat coating his skin.

“Larsen...”

“Beg for it.”

“Holy—shit!” Noah let his head fall. He was lightheaded. His arms and thighs were already trembling with his need for release. “Ram your thick cock into me and make me come. Please !”

“You keep saying you’re not easy or desperate, yet this beautiful gaping hole and that filthy mouth of yours are dying to be fucked.” Kaj smacked his ass once again.

Before Noah could come back to his senses, the sound of foil ripping reached his ears. Anticipation skyrocketed when Kaj smeared the cold lube in and out of him. He put on a condom, and without warning, he did exactly what Noah had asked of him.

“Fuck!” they both hissed.

Kaj leaned forward, breathing into Noah’s neck as he swept his hair away. “Not gonna go easy on you.” He bit his shoulder.

“Don’t hold back.”

With a foot planted on the car’s floor and the other leg propped on the seat, Kaj thrust into Noah. He moved back and forth with long and slow yet brutal strokes, pushing him forward against the door. Strained and filled like never before, Noah pressed a palm on the window, gripping the headrest with the other to give himself more leverage. Dick leaking. Balls bouncing. Ass slick and warm. Skin aflame. He could barely contain his groans.

They’d done this before, but his mind still couldn’t comprehend how something that was so emotionally painful was so damn pleasurable.

Letting go of Noah’s shoulder, Kaj clawed both hands on his hips and picked up the pace. He was so thick, Noah could almost make out the shape of his cock inside of him as that engorged head rubbed against the right spot.

“Fuck... I’m gonna come.”

“Don’t you fucking dare.” In one swift movement, Kaj pulled out and forcefully flipped Noah onto his back, placing himself between his thighs. “The Van’s not mine and you came way too much the last time.”

With that, he drove into him again.

“Shit!” Noah arched, indulging in the delicious sensation of this man ravishing his hole.

Everything in his body was sore, from his ass to his legs, to his arms, even his heart. It was like he didn’t belong in his own body, and fucking like this, face to face, only made it worse. Kaj was so handsome with those ice-blue eyes ringed by dark lashes, those full, slightly parted lips, and that sharp jaw... Noah couldn’t breathe. The unholy sensual expression furrowing his brows right now didn’t help.

“Grab my neck,” Noah pleaded between ragged, uneven gasps.

“You like being choked, fuck toy?” Kaj taunted in a deep, growly voice.

“Fuck, yes. Fuck!” The words bounced with their frantic rhythm.

Without slowing down, Kaj circled a palm around Noah’s throat. “Grip my wrist and don’t let go unless you want me to stop. Got it?”

“Yeah...”

Noah had never done this with anyone other than Zach. Although he didn’t trust Kaj, he was so unfettered right now that he didn’t think when he blurted his request. But having this man offer a nonverbal cue so fast told him this wasn’t his first time playing these dangerous games, which was enough to make Noah unravel completely under his touch.

Spreading his right leg farther apart and anchoring his foot on the center console, Noah latched onto Kaj’s wrist, bucking his hips in time with his savage thrusts. The crossfire of emotions and pleasure of being taken like this, with someone holding his life in their hands, soon clouded his mind. And suddenly, he was nothing but raw desire. His head hit the door repeatedly, but the fullness in his ass, the obscene sounds their bodies were making, and their moans were all he could feel.

They devoured each other’s mouths, nibbled and licked as they fucked and fucked, until they were damp with sweat and couldn’t take it anymore.

With his gorgeous face twisted in ecstasy, Kaj leaned down and bit Noah’s bottom lip, drawing blood as his entire body shuddered. “Fuuuuuck!”

Noah’s eyes rolled into his head, and he followed him down the hill. Cum shot in violent bursts over his stomach and chest, reaching up to his chin. The orgasm spread like wildfire, arching his back and curling his toes. It was so intense he thought he would pass out. But then Kaj pulled out, bringing him back and leaving him empty, swimming in this lustful haze alone.

“Fuck...” Noah covered his eyes with an arm, trying to breathe normally. This wasn’t good. He shouldn’t enjoy sex with Kaj so much.

“Open your mouth.”

“What?”

Without repeating what he’d said or asking for permission, Kaj lapped Noah’s abdomen. He pried his jaw open and let his own cum drip inside before he sealed their debauchery with a kiss.