Into the Light (University of Isles #2)

11. Chapter 11

Chapter eleven

A tranquil silence surrounded me, almost as if Ash’s spirit had wrapped its arms around me, urging me to find closure and move forward. I found it imperative I unravel the truth of what had happened to him so I could begin healing and let go of the pain I had carried for months. That’s what propelled me to keep walking toward the edge, pushing me through the fear of being in the one place so connected to who Ash and I were together.

As I ventured closer to the edge of the rock, memories of our happier moments seemed to materialize before my eyes. Standing where I imagined he once stood, taking his last breath, I couldn’t hold back the tears that welled up and streamed down my cheeks.

A mixture of laughter and sobs escaped my lips as I became submerged in the vivid recollections. Amid the overwhelming emotions, an unexpected sense of tranquility settled upon me. I gingerly touched my tear-stained cheeks and perched myself at the edge of the rock.

“I miss you,” I whispered, my voice barely louder than a breath. “Going through everything without you was excruciating. I felt so utterly alone.”

Loneliness had been the most tormenting aspect. It had felt like an unending battle waged in a world of solitude, and the fear that accompanied such isolation was paralyzing.

“I hope you’re watching over her ,” I whispered.

I buried my face in my arms, allowing the waves of emotion to wash over me.

“Want some company?” A dark yet comforting tone snapped me out of my thoughts, and I looked up to the deep blues I’d grown accustomed to over the last couple of weeks.

“Yeah.” Rain sat beside me, leaving a sliver of space between us.

“I’m so tired, Rain,” I whispered, surrendering to the overwhelming sadness that had descended upon me like an unyielding weight. If my life were a story, this moment would be the darkest, most heart-wrenching chapter. I desperately longed to break free from the suffocating grip of grief, but I was immersed in it, wading through its depths.

“I am so alone, yet I am so scared of letting someone in. It’s fucking terrifying to imagine that someone else could take another piece of my heart and then leave me again. But I am tired of doing this . . . life.” I sighed. “I grew up stuck alone in a house with no friends. I was alone when I came here, and Ash gave me something I needed. He showed me a way into the darkness but somehow I got trapped. And now I don’t know what to do.”

Losing someone unexpectedly in a manner so brutally unfair, coupled with the fact I had already grappled with two deaths within eight months, was akin to sinking into an abyss. I yearned for a lifeline, for someone to extend a helping hand to pull me out. In that moment, I realized someone was there. His hand was extended toward me, waiting for me to grasp it. All I needed to do was reach out and take hold.

“You aren’t alone anymore, mi pareja.” I glanced over at Rain, then rested my head on his shoulder.

“I think someone else was here, but I don’t think they pushed him. What their role in all of this was, is beyond me, but I want to figure it out.” I looked at the night casting its shadow among the pines.

“I agree,” Rain whispered before resting his chin on my head.

“Em?” he murmured.

“Yeah?”

“Wanna go home? It’s just that it’s getting dark, and I don’t like being out here in the dark.”

“I agree,” I said as he jumped up, carefully lifting me and turning on his flashlight.

“I don’t know how to get unstuck,” I muttered as we walked together, this time with the space between us.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“It’s just that there’s been so much grief and sadness over the last few months. I don’t know how to reach for your hand,” I explained. There was a brief pause.

“My hand isn’t going anywhere. I’ll keep reaching out, and whenever you’re ready, you’ll take it.” As we walked forward, I searched for his fingers and splayed out mine.

Without even looking down, Rain reached for my hand and pulled me close to him so there was virtually no space between us. He stopped just as we reached the car, using his free hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

“I’m so proud of you,” he murmured, then lowered his head to rest his forehead against mine. We stood there for what seemed like a lifetime, breathing each other in. He was the lifeline I always needed. The one person who’d help me figure a way out of the grief. There was one more thing I needed to do—to tell him—before I could hold his hand. Before I trusted him enough not to let it go because I didn’t think my heart could take any more heartbreak.

We pulled up to my apartment, and I was cold and exhausted.

“Santiago asked if I could walk you to your door,” Rain informed me as he parked on the street. I responded with a weary nod, too drained to put up a fight.

Taking my school bag, Rain escorted me to my apartment door, where I stood frozen, my hand hovering over the handle. I looked up at him, seeking answers. “You promised you’d always tell me the truth.”

“I did.”

“Then tell me why you left me all alone for eight months. Tell me why you didn’t call me about the funeral or let me know what was happening when I got to Dansport. Why are you suddenly the beacon of truth? Why now?”

Rain glanced around the hallway, visibly uncomfortable. “Can we go inside?” he requested. I pushed the door open, allowing him to enter first. He walked to the windows at the far end of my modest apartment.

As he stood there, staring out into the edge of the forest, he remained silent for a while. His voice, when it finally broke the silence, was both commanding and desperate, a tone I had never heard from him before. It piqued my curiosity, and I complied with his request to sit down.

Kneeling in front of me, he gripped my thighs for support. “I couldn’t.” He sighed heavily. “You were the one person who was so close to him. I envied him, Ember. I resented the fact that he had you because I wanted you from the moment you kissed me in front of the Den.” My heart started to race again. I wanted to tell him I’d kiss him all over again, but that felt wrong to even think. The fact I was getting so turned on watching him kneel before me was like a knife in the gut. My physical body felt like it was betraying my mind.

“And then, suddenly, he wasn’t here anymore, and I just couldn’t handle myself. Maybe I didn’t listen to him enough in those last few months, or maybe I should have told him he wasn’t in the right headspace for a girlfriend.”

Rain’s eye twitched as he continued, “Perhaps I should have confided in more people that he was suffering and needed help. Initially, when you left, everyone was in my ear about your brother, and I was angry, thinking maybe you had led him on. But Santiago was sending me reports on how you were doing. When he told me you had spent months hardly leaving your house, Em . . . You spent three months confined to your bed. My whole world crumbled. I felt selfish and utterly despicable.”

A single tear traced its path down Rain’s cheek as he leaned his head against my thighs. Without thinking, I reached down, gently grasping his face and lifting it to meet my gaze.

“I was on the way to see you, to tell you about all of this when Santiago told me that you’d finally gotten out of bed. You were starting to look up, and I thought my presence would fuck it all up. I thought about how many times I’d just let Ash take control and tell me what to do and how shitty that made me feel. If I showed up and acted like a knight in shining armor that you’d somehow end up . . . like him.” He coughed out the last part, and his head landed back on my thighs as he broke into a fit of tears.

“I-I-I didn’t know.” I couldn’t come up with the words I felt for all of Rain’s confessions. It was so heavy. Moving from the chair, I kneeled with my back against it and wrapped Rain in my arms. He blamed himself as much as I did. I felt horrible for assuming that he was upset with me the entire time. I didn’t know he was checking up on me.

“You wouldn’t have.”

I paused.

I remembered the initiation and how Rain looked at me with disgust that night, but knowing all this now, it had to have been jealousy.

“Is that why you wouldn’t participate in the initiation?”

He nodded into the crook of my shoulder.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I whispered.

He glared up at me, his body still positioned between my legs. “How could I, Ember? My brother was never allowed to have anything in his life. He was so damn depressed, drowning in that robotic role he was forced into by his dad. For once, he was finally happy. How could I rip that happiness away from him?”

I fell into a momentary silence. “I loved him. So much. I’m sorry that it wasn’t you.” My tone dropped to a whisper. “I still love him.”

“I get it,” he whispered as if he understood the pain I had gone through because he, too, felt the same. I wanted to know what would drive Ash to bring himself there. I wanted to know what happened so I could confirm I had nothing to do with it.

I didn’t understand why he’d want to you know himself when he told me we were in love. The questions swirled around my brain, and I was desperate to find answers. Then adding onto the fact this confession from Rain was so much. I didn’t realize he was into me . . . at all.

“It’s not your fault,” he said, his voice heavy with emotion. “I guess when I saw you come back to Isles, I did everything I could to stay out of your way. But then you showed up in class, and I saw you, and all bets were off. It feels like I’m screwing up by spending time with you. But I can’t stop thinking about you. I want to know if you’re okay. I want to know if you’re getting out of bed, showering, or eating three meals a day. I want to be around you because you’re addicting, but I can’t because I feel like I’m breaking some unwritten rule about—”

“Stop,” I demanded, pushing him off me and standing up. I ran a hand over my temples, the weight of this conversation pressing down on me, far too heavy and exhausting for the moment. This wasn’t what I had expected him to say. I wasn’t sure what I had expected, but it wasn’t this. I didn’t want a confession that he might like me, because I couldn’t even wrap my head around that possibility.

“This is too much for one day. I-I can’t do anything either, Rain. I don’t know if it’ll ever be possible for me to be with anyone else. I was so in love, and it was ripped from me.”

Rain nodded, understanding what I was saying, but I knew I was hurting him.

“I’m not saying we should, but you asked me, and I felt like I had to tell you the truth.”

He paused before getting up and walking toward the door. “If I didn’t tell you how I felt, then, somehow, I think I’d never have the opportunity. I guess when I saw you in person it was hard to hide how I felt.” He shook his head. “I’m going to go back to the house to check and see if there was another set of footprints on the rock.”

“Okay,” I whispered, then closed the door behind me. I pushed my back against the cold wooden door before dropping to the floor, hugging my knees with my hands and sobbing.

No one suffered with me, aside from Santiago, for so long, that it felt foreign to have someone to share this space with. Learning that Ash had been suffering from depression for much longer than I had existed in his life, both comforted and saddened me. I wish I’d seen it. I wish I’d been able to see it, but I was too blinded by our all-consuming love.

Ash always told me there’d never be a world in which he and I could exist together, and he was right. There wasn’t. If he’d been suffering for as long as Rain could remember, then I wondered if he always knew that deep down he would not be here this year. If, somehow, he had headed to the rock because he had some intel.

“Fuck,” I whispered, knowing exactly what I had to do as I picked up my phone.

Ember:

I think it’s time we talk.

I waited only a minute before three bubbles popped up, indicating that he was typing back.

Walsh:

Anytime, Ember. I miss you. I hear you’re on campus so please . . .

Ember:

I’ll contact you.

My gut told me I needed to talk to him. He was keeping a secret, but after seeing the rock, I knew in my soul that whatever happened to Ash wasn’t malicious. I needed to find out the truth so I could move forward and tell Rain the truth. Because after being with him today, I was lying to myself. I rolled over in bed and plugged my phone back in just as it pinged with a new message. I opened it one last time before sleep consumed me and saw a text from Rain.

Rain:

One set of prints on the rock. Two sets of tracks leading up.