Into the Light (University of Isles #2)

19. Chapter 19

Chapter nineteen

The guilt hit me like a tidal wave, overwhelming and crushing. I couldn’t bear to meet her gaze, fearing that her eyes would expose the lies I’d been telling myself.

I had conjured the idea that she would be mine, and now she stood before me, well, knelt before me, offering herself, but I couldn’t follow through. All I felt was a searing shame as her eyes lit up with anticipation when she took me into her mouth so perfectly, only to watch that spark fade as I walked away after coming in her.

If I weren’t so consumed by my own self-loathing, I would have been disgusted with myself, too.

“Fuck,” I yelled, aware she was just on the other side of the door, hearing every word.

I grabbed some water and splashed it on my face and cock in a futile attempt to clean up the cum still dripping down my thigh. Perhaps wiping away the physical evidence would erase the pain carving into my heart.

There was a faint rap at the door, followed by her gentle voice. “Are you okay, Rain?” I remained silent, convinced she shouldn’t be the one asking about my well-being. I needed to be strong in this situation, to find the courage to apologize for being a complete asshole.

Her concern only intensified the guilt gnawing at me.

“You don’t have to talk to me, but just know that—” I opened the door and found her standing there wearing that oversized shirt that concealed her curves yet heightened her mysterious allure.

“I am fine,” I demanded, pushing past her to go get my pants. Her steps tip-toed against the floor as she followed me, and suddenly, I was regretting bringing her here.

“Talk to me?” she asked, and I glanced over my shoulder before shaking my head as I pulled my pants up.

“I’ll be waiting outside,” I whispered. I could barely string words together in my own head, so saying them aloud took me by surprise.

I rushed out of the small cabin, as the walls felt like they were closing in on me.

Once outside, the same shame dripped slowly back into my veins. In the same very veins that shared the love I had for him. I was tangled in a web of deceit . . . or at least that’s how it felt, and my lungs felt so fucking tight. Why was the air so cold up here?

I couldn’t take a deep breath as I hobbled down to where the ATV was parked. Fuck. I grabbed at my chest and pounded on it as if that would will it to take a deep breath. So many thoughts swirled in my head.

You are a liar.

You betrayed him.

You will never be enough for her.

Why couldn’t I breathe?

Clutching my heart, I looked up in the sky and kept tripping over my feet. I felt like I was drunk, but hadn’t had anything but the fucking seltzer earlier. What was happening?

“Rain?” a cautious voice mumbled through the droning of the ringing now playing in my ears.

“Rain?” the voice said again, and I turned to look at who it was, but fell to the ground. The footsteps quickened toward me, but I couldn’t get over what was happening. My vision was blurry . . .

“M-my chest . . .” Then the world went blank.

The next morning, I woke up and stretched to my side. My head was pounding as I realized I was in my own bed in my room at the Den.

“What the fuck?” I could barely remember what happened yesterday, besides passing out in front of the cabin.

Pulling the covers off, I jumped out of bed, grabbed my phone charging next to me, then my black backpack I’d brought to the cabin.

There were a slew of texts from Ember.

Em:

You probably won’t remember this but just talk to Pico.

Em:

I am worried about you. Text me when you wake up.

Em:

Please don’t shut me out.

“Shit,” I groaned as I threw on a pair of gray sweats and a shirt, heading toward Pico’s room a few doors down from mine.

I rapped slowly in case he had Marissa over. Why they chose to not go to her apartment instead of the frat house was beyond me.

The door opened, and an exhausted-looking Pico dressed in only a hoodie and sweat shorts looked me up and down before giving me a smirk.

“Your ass is heavy, dragging you through the fucking woods and back here.” He slung his arm over my shoulder and then walked me down the stairs toward the kitchen table. “Glad to see you’re up. Let’s get a coffee and chat.”

I nodded, and as we got downstairs, he handed me a hot cup of coffee, then we sat at the dining room table. It was Monday, so most of the guys were in class already.

“How’d the rest of the conversation with Mr. Ortiz go?”

“He’s a fucking dick. He also knows Ember has the cash somehow, but isn’t admitting he does.” I nodded, not caring how this conversation went but more so wanting to fill in the pieces of what happened last night.

As Pico took a big gulp of the hot coffee, I asked him to fill in the missing pieces.

“Ember caught you, and we think you were having a panic attack. You kept saying that your chest and your heart felt like it was constricting.” I was so fucking embarrassed after we did what we did, but the insurmountable shame I felt in this moment was even worse. “She called me in a tizzy. I managed to get you onto the ATV, then Ember drove you here in my car and we called the doctor who said everything checked out in terms of your heart. It was probably a panic attack.” He leaned back in the wooden chair and then looked up at me.

I dropped my gaze to my hands gripping the mug so tightly to prevent them from shaking.

“I-I- don’t know what to say.” I glanced back up at him. “Thank you.”

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” It was a question he’d posed countless times in the past eight months. “I lost a friend, too. I know it’s different, but if it helps, I miss and think of him every damn day.”

“What makes you think it was about Ash?” I gritted my teeth, feeling a surge of irritation coursing through me.

“Well, wasn’t it?”

I sighed. I could either deflect Pico’s attempts to connect or open up to someone who had tried to be a friend. I chose the latter and nodded before taking a long sip from my mug.

“We hooked up,” I said, urging back the tears welling in my eyes.

Pico offered a simple, encouraging “Hmmm,” urging me to continue.

“I called her mine. She was incredible, but I couldn’t look her in the eyes. I don’t know, it felt so close and so . . .”

“Hard,” Pico finished for me, and I nodded. “I get it. She was your brother’s, but now she’s yours.”

“Yeah,” I replied, finding solace in the fact someone understood my turmoil.

“But your brother isn’t here anymore. He left us. She is yours, Rain. You should have seen her last night. She thought she was going to lose you, too, and she was panicking,” Pico added, turning his gaze to a corner of the room.

“For hours, she paced back and forth while Marissa tried to calm her down or at least make an attempt. She’s really something special. The whole thing made her feel terrible, and you’re an asshole for telling her she was yours, hooking up with her, and not even being able to look her in the eyes.”

Tears fell onto my cheeks before I even realized I was crying. Growing up with Mr. Ortiz in the Cartel had ingrained in me that real men weren’t supposed to cry or show emotion, as if it made us less of a human.

“Don’t do that,” Pico mumbled. “You should feel sad about all of this. Maybe letting these feelings out will actually help you.”

I swallowed hard. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I didn’t mean to make her feel like just a means to an end, because she deserves so much more than that. She texted me last night, worried.”

“She does. You need to talk to her. I think both of you are harboring secrets, and it’s about time you shared them.”

He paused for a moment, then stood and walked over to me, kneeling next to the chair I was in. “I’ll handle the meetings here. I actually like this stuff.” He gestured around. “You go finish school and figure things out with Ash, and then sort things out with Ember.”

I nodded. “Thank you.”

“I’ll keep Mr. Ortiz at bay, but this needs to be resolved by the spring bonfire. I can’t hold him off any longer,” he added.

I nodded again. “Go get dressed and go to class or something.” I laughed, grabbing him by the shoulders as I got up.

“Thank you,” I whispered, giving him a hug. He embraced me tightly before stepping back.

“Anytime, man.” Pico nodded.

“Besides, I agree with you. I think if we finally took the time to sit down and use Ember’s relationship with her dad, we could become a more formidable force. This ridiculous feud has done nothing but cost both sides lives,” Pico added before taking a sip of his coffee. He started back upstairs, leaving me alone with my thoughts in the dining room.

I pulled out my phone and texted Ember back.

Me:

I’m so sorry. I fucked up. Let’s meet after class this week?

Three dots alerted me she was texting back.

Ember:

You really want to wait a week? Fine. I was just really fucking worried about you.

Me:

You shouldn’t have been. I was an asshole.

Ember:

. . .

Ember:

I don’t care about any of that. I was just worried about you.

Me:

I have midterms this week. Please give me until after class?

Ember:

K.

Whenever a girl types the word ‘k,’ I assume that she is horribly upset, so I knew Ember was pissed, but I needed this week. I needed to manage my thoughts because the shame and guilt I carried needed to find a new home. The panic attack I’d had last night was enough, and I didn’t want to go back to that place.

I sighed, grabbed my bag, and headed to the library to study. I just needed to get my thoughts straight . . . right?