Into the Light (University of Isles #2)

20. Chapter 20

Chapter twenty

I was genuinely trying to be understanding, but an entire week had passed without hearing so much as a single text from the guy I had hooked up with over the weekend, and it felt awful. The memory of our passionate encounter still lingered in my mind, yet the silence that followed it was deafening. That night, he couldn’t look me in the eyes and was behaving like a total jerk, which was out of character for him. The confusion and hurt I felt were festering, and I was genuinely pissed off. He should have spent the whole week groveling for my forgiveness, but instead, he withdrew, much like he did when Ash passed away.

The amount of guilt coursing through me after that night we shared was insurmountable. Ash was my boyfriend who . . . passed away, and I slept with his best friend. When Rain left, it only accentuated my thoughts that I was doing something wrong—we were wrong together. It was the guilt in those quiet moments that pushed me over the ledge. Coupled with his silence, I was utterly alone, experiencing a flood of emotions reminiscent of the aftermath of Ash’s death, where I felt abandoned by everyone.

Yet, when he had his panic attack, I thought I was going to lose him. I was terrified. He was complaining of his heart hurting, but was incoherent when I tried getting an answer from him. I called Pico and Marissa out of desperation, and thankfully, Pico knew exactly where we were.

When the doctor mentioned that it was a stress-induced panic attack, I connected the pieces easily. He couldn’t look me in the eye because of Ash. He was an asshole to me because he was unable to manage his emotions in that moment. It didn’t make what he did or how he reacted okay, but I knew where he was coming from. I’d had my fair share of panic attacks. Yet, instead of using his words and talking about his feelings, he retreated.

Walking down the stark and eerie basement toward our photography class that week, I hoped beyond hope that we’d be dismissed early because I had zero desire to be in the same room as him. Even though he told me he wanted to talk after class today, I was regretting even coming. As each day passed and the silence got louder, my irritation and pain deepened. Every scenario of why he hadn’t reached out yet played through my mind, stressing me out.

I entered the class late, my heart pounding with a mix of frustration and longing, hoping to avoid sitting next to him. However, as I walked in and apologized to the teacher, the only available seat was next to Rain. He removed his backpack from the empty seat, and I reluctantly took it, a surge of complicated emotions swirling through me.

Leaning toward me, he whispered, “Can’t escape me today, mi pareja,” wearing a smirk that I desperately wanted to wipe off. How could he come here and act like everything was normal while my heart ached with unresolved feelings and questions left hanging in the air.

I snapped a look in his direction, and he only laughed.

Evie coughed. “Thank you for showing up, Ember, but if the two lovebirds can work out whatever they need to after class, that would be ideal.” My cheeks went red. Next to me, a low chuckle sounded, which only infuriated me.

“I got all of your preliminary drafts on what really scares you guys, but I was overall pretty disappointed,” Evie said as she propped herself up. “I really want us to now dive deeper into what scares you. Instead of thinking at surface level, I want you to imagine you are knowingly at the end of your days, what would scare you the most?”

Rain reached over and caressed the small of my back. If that statement didn’t hit home, I’m not sure what else would.

“Let’s rearrange our desks so we are in a circle together, please.” Most of the class moved effortlessly, but as I shifted my desk, Rain’s gaze never left my eyes.

“Sorry, Evie, but respectfully, what does this have to do with photography?” Rain asked.

Evie sat atop her desk, facing us as I stared at some of the ceiling lights flickering above us. If I stared at them long enough, maybe I’d blink and class would be over.

“Because photography is an art dedicated to tickle the creative part of your brain. I think in order to tap into that part, it’s imperative you look deep within yourself. You have to really feel to get the effect of the art.”

Just. Keep. Staring. No thinking.

“Okay, so for this objective, I need everyone to go around and share one thing that scares them the most.”

This was cruel and unusual punishment. What did I deserve to have this happen? I refused to stop staring at the lights, but Rain’s gaze burned a hole through the back of my head.

I swallowed, hoping that since I was in the middle, class would end before it got to me and I wouldn’t have to share.

“Alright, we are going to start with the lovebirds in the middle. Rain, why don’t you go ahead and start us off?”

I snapped my gaze to his as the panic inside of me increased.

It’s okay , he mouthed before turning his attention to the center of the room. He must’ve been panicking too.

“Go ahead, Rain.”

His chest rose once before the words came. “I am most scared of failure.”

“Dive deeper into that,” Evie encouraged.

“I’m terrified of failing the one person who truly deserves better, of becoming someone I never wanted to be and hurting them in the process,” Rain confessed, his voice quivering with a mix of anguish and fear.

Please , I silently begged, don’t let the tears start now .

“I want to be strong, but it feels like I’m stumbling, failing,” Rain continued, and I could not hold back the tears anymore. “I just wish I could show them that I deserve even a fraction of their heart. It would be an honor to have just a small part written into their story.”

The tears flowed freely, and I couldn’t stop them.

“I’m scared of living a life filled with constant lies with this person,” he admitted, his voice choked with emotion. “We both hold back so much, especially our feelings for each other. We hide behind the lies about moving on from last year, when in reality, I’d give anything for just one more moment with her—er, I mean, them.”

His gaze never left mine as he gently wiped away the tears that fell onto my cheeks. In that vulnerable moment, he whispered, “I’m so sorry,” and the three words felt like a balm to my aching heart.

I nodded because I couldn’t talk, especially not in front of the entire class. There was a resounding applause, and my attention turned toward Evie giving Rain a standing ovation.

“Bravo,” she exclaimed. “That is the type of vulnerability I was hoping for.”

She paused. “It is only fair the second part of the love entanglement to go second, although, a hard act to follow.”

I pointed to myself, and she nodded eagerly. On the inside, I wanted to fucking melt away. I could very well lie my way out of this.

“You don’t have to do this,” he whispered, and I simply offered a twist of the corners of my lips. I didn’t have to, but I owed him something—both of them.

I swallowed hard, my gaze sweeping across the room, where curious eyes were fixed on the two of us. Most probably knew who I was, or at least had some inkling.

“I’m terrified of letting myself fall in love again, only to have it cruelly ripped away,” I began, my voice trembling, and tears welled up at the corners of my eyes.

“I-I—” I took a shuddering breath, my focus unwavering on Rain, who seemed eager to whisk me out of that room, but I couldn’t let him. “I’m afraid of death and love simultaneously, not concurrently. Terrified that my heart is capable of loving two people in one lifetime. How am I supposed to reconcile the idea that the person I loved so deeply and intensely would be okay with the person I love, er, like, now so comfortably and protectively?”

My chest tightened, and I struggled to get the words out, each one a heavy burden. I locked my gaze onto Rain, determined not to falter.

“I’ve loved so many people who’ve just abandoned me,” I continued, my voice wavering. “My mother died when I was young. My boyfriend . . . he . . .” It was the first time I’d uttered the word death aloud.

“Ember,” Rain whispered, his voice laced with sympathy. “It’s okay.” I shook my head because nothing about it was okay. I wasn’t okay.

“When he died, I thought my world had crumbled. I blamed myself for the illness that consumed his mind, for his not getting help. He fought an inner battle and lost, yet selfishly, I continued to blame myself for his death, just as everyone else on this campus did.” I scanned the room, noticing a few tear-filled eyes. “After his . . . death, I thought that would be the end of the pain I’d have to endure, but it was far from over.”

I paused there, realizing that some parts of my life were too raw, too exposed to share in a classroom. None of this was school-appropriate, but here we were.

“So, part of me is scared to open my heart again, to risk another person leaving,” I admitted, gaining momentum. “In this lifetime, I just want to know that my heart can love two people because . . . whether I want it or not, I think . . . I think I might be falling in love again.” My voice barely rose above a whisper as I finished speaking. I blinked back a few tears, then hastily grabbed my bag before anyone could respond and bolted out of the class.

I ran.

My bag moved up and down with every pounding step I took on the cold tile of the basement.

I ran up the steps and pushed the door open and was greeted by the cool drops of rain as I looked up into the gray abyss above me. His presence was felt before I heard the shuffle of his steps.

“Em,” he croaked, but I continued to look up and let the rain droplets hit me.

“Don’t come a step closer,” I told him when I finally turned around, and he stood there on the sidewalk. “Your speech in that classroom doesn’t make up for the fact you said some really mean shit to me last weekend and then ignored me.”

“No, it doesn’t,” he added. “In fact, it probably makes it worse.”

“Yup.” I rolled my eyes. “Before your attack, you were still planning on leaving me. You were the one running away.”

“What can I do? To make it up to you?”

“Start by not remembering anything you heard in that classroom.” He shook his head.

“That is going to be hard to do because—”

“Then I have to go.” I folded my arms across my chest and walked over to where my car was parked.

“I see you’re still driving . . . my car .” I turned around and stuck my tongue out at him, which only produced a chuckle. “Gimme the keys.”

“Why?” I demanded.

“I am taking you on a trip.” I shook my head and narrowed my eyes.

Rain walked over to the other side of the curb where a black vehicle had pulled up. The driver’s side door rolled down, and Santiago started to hand Rain a bag when I ran over there.

“You are in on this, too?” I looked between them. “No.”

I stomped on the sidewalk. “What if I am unsafe wherever he is taking me?” Santiago laughed now.

“Mija, you will be okay. I know where you are going. It’s safe . . . trust me, no one wants to visit that place.” Rain only punched Santiago in the arm.

“Who packed my underwear? Did you rifle through my stuff?” I grumbled as I opened the bag and realized everything was meticulously packed, including a few sets of sweaters, pants, jeans, and a dress.

“Marissa helped. I don’t touch that stuff, out of my job description.” Santiago gave me a wink, and then Rain looked between the two of us before he backed away, slinging my bag over his shoulders. I shot him a venomous look.

“Be nice. He is trying to make up for what happened last weekend.” I’d told Santiago what happened because I needed someone to help Pico carry Rain into the house.

“Blindsiding me with a surprise trip to God knows where in the spring semester that already gives me a lot of anxiety freaks me out.”

“There is plenty of security there.” He chuckled as if he was remembering something. “I promise you no one wants to be there.”

“Okay.” I paused, walking away before looking back. “Thanks for the bag . . . and, you know, everything else.” I quickly ran back toward my car.

Rain was already on the driver’s side, the massive smirk still plastered on his face.

“Come on, mi pareja.” I jumped into the Jeep before he pulled out and headed outside of Isles.

“You better do some groveling.” I huffed as the rain hit the windows over and over again.

He reached over and grabbed my thigh. “I will.”