It’s Always Us (Abandoned Brothers #3)

Chapter 8

LEX

Stepping into the house, I’m grateful Grandpa isn’t home and will probably be gone all evening playing pool and watching football with friends at the bar. I drag myself up the stairs and into my little room, my tiny place of peace and solitude. It’s been my home since I was fourteen when my mom left Ohio to move to Florida with the momentary man of her dreams. Since then, it’s been Grandpa and me, but tonight, I’m glad he had somewhere to be. I need a minute before his subtle interrogation begins.

After a long, hot shower and using every ounce of water in the tank, I crawl into bed, needing to sleep for the next week. I grab my phone and power it back to life to check the score.

I want to watch the game, like I’ve secretly watched every other game of his career, sometimes over and over again, just to see him. But seeing Mark’s face on the screen will only force me to dissect all the emotions I packed up and carried back home with me.

From his side of the conversation this morning, I heard how important this game is, but by the distraught tone of his voice, I know it’s more than that.

It wasn’t just his words, but that tone told me there’s so much going on in his life that I don’t know about. It all made me realize we don’t know or understand each other like we used to. We’ve lived worlds apart. How could we?

I said vows to the man I used to know, the one I said goodbye to at eighteen so he could chase his dreams. At one time, we knew everything about each other, but this morning made it clear that not only has time passed, but we now live in separate worlds.

I’m afraid we got caught up in who we used to be, and I’m not sure how we make up for lost time . . . apart.

I can’t bring myself to think we made a mistake or to regret marrying Mark. I can’t. It’s all I’ve ever dreamed of and still everything I want.

My phone buzzes to life with notifications. I have two voicemails. The first is from my mom, which I can’t listen to. I have no doubt her words are filled with concern for my future, disguised as her checking on me.

The next is from Linda, which I’ll ignore for now. I’m sure it’s about scheduling dinner, but it’s a conversation I can’t handle tonight and just another reminder of all that’s happened in the last eight years.

KRISSY: Come over. The game is on.

KRISSY: These guys smell.

KRISSY: Save me.

There’s only one person I want to talk to, but he’s currently a little busy. I click on the app, find his team, and see that the New York Liberties are leading in the third quarter. Relief washes over me even greater than I imagined.

It’s always been my fear that I’d get in Mark’s way or hold him back, and I have no intention of doing either now.

I pull the covers over me, settling for whatever tomorrow brings. One thing is for sure. Life will go on. It always does.

Only this time, as I fall asleep, it’s with the hope that my future will include Mark.

______

I blink. My eyes take in the early darkness as my pillow vibrates. The buzzing stops, and I roll over, pulling the covers tighter around me.

Just before I reach the land of suspended consciousness, my stupid phone starts buzzing again. It’s too early to talk to anyone. I hold the pillow tighter around my head until I realize I can’t breathe and surrender. I search for my phone, hitting the button to silence it, but before I drop it, the name on the screen is the one I thought I’d never see there .

I swipe to answer as my heart stutters and sends my stomach swirling with nervous anticipation.

“Hey,” my sleepy morning voice croaks out.

“If you didn’t answer your phone, I seriously think you would’ve seen my head explode and all the little brain particles drift into the atmosphere.” I bite my lip, trying not to smile at Mark’s dramatics. “Where are you?”

“That’d be tragic.”

“Ha. I see you’re still hell-bent on using as few words as possible.”

“I just save them up for when they really matter.”

He laughs, and it’s that laugh that stretches my mouth to limits it hasn’t ventured into since I last heard it.

“Lex, where are you?” he barks, forcing us back on track. It’s demanding, and I like it way too much.

My hidden grin turns into a yawn as I rub my puffy eyes. “Home.”

“Good. You left so quickly that I didn’t get to tell you to text me. I got home late and didn’t want to wake you up to be sure you made it.”

“Did you win?”

“My own wife didn’t watch my game?”

The word rolling off his tongue sends my stomach soaring into a backflip, and I want him to say it again.

“I couldn’t watch,” I tell him honestly because there’s no use in pretending anything anymore.

“Why?”

Such a simple question, yet so difficult to answer, especially when I want to respond with truth. I take a second to gather my thoughts, and he waits as he always did.

“I didn’t want to see your face.”

He laughs again, and it sends warmth from my head to my toes. “Baby, some women only watch the game to see this face.”

“Shut up.” He’s not wrong. I see what women post and talk about. But now, he’s married . . . to me. A smile tries to break free, but I quickly yank it back, with the reminder that he’s . . . wherever and I’m here. “I didn’t want to see you there . . . far away again.”

“We’re just starting, Lex. You and me.” His tone is instantly serious and intense. Manly and direct. It’s new, and I don’t hate it. “I don’t care what we have to do. I can’t live without you, so whatever has to happen, we’re going to do it.” He says it matter-of-factly and I almost believe how simple he makes it sound.

I roll to my side, holding the phone tight against my ear. I need to be brave and unpack all the thoughts I shoved into my backpack and left zipped up tight. “But we don’t know each other anymore. You have your life, and I have mine. So much time has passed, and everything around us has changed.”

“I know you, Lex, in all the ways that matter, and you know me.”

“I don’t know if that’s true,” I say, biting my lip, recalling his tone and words to whoever he was speaking with on the phone in the bathroom.

I hear him push out a breath, and I don’t know if it’s frustration or angst. “What do you want? Please, just tell me. If this was a mistake to you, then say it.”

His direct question catches me off guard. All I hear is anguish now, and I hate it.

I’m careful with my words. “ You are all I’ve ever wanted, but . . . I’m not sure I understand what that means. We aren’t the same people. I don’t know anything about your life beyond what I see on the screen, and most of that has been you with other women.”

That last part slips out, but at least it’s honest.

“Lex, I was a fucking idiot. None of that was what it looked like.” His tone is forceful, and I want to believe him.

“I think maybe we got caught up in the moment and the past the other night, and I . . . I don’t know where we go from here. I’ve never wanted to get in your way, and I won’t now.”

“Lex, seriously, how do you not get it?” His soft, gentle voice has a lump forming in my throat. “You are my dream. You are all I want.”

“How can you be sure? I’m not the same girl I used to be.” I try to tease, but reality is, I’m not the same person I was, and neither is he.

“I see that,” he says plainly. “Lex, I don’t want to be here. I want to be wherever you are.” I hear his frustration and imagine him running a hand through his hair. “I know we can’t make up for all the time we’ve been apart, but I just need to know that you still want to be with me now.”

“What does that mean ‘be’ with you?” I ask the question I’m pretty sure neither of us has an answer to.

“I don’t know.” It sounds like defeat, with reality settling in .

The silence between us lingers for a few moments. All I want is to be back tucked inside his arms where the rest of the world and this distance between us doesn’t exist. It was so easy there. Here it sucks more than ever.

“I need to tell you something that might sound really bad.” His voice cuts into my longing.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse. My stomach takes a dip, and I give it a second to pull itself together. “Ok.” I say it, but I’m not sure I want to know.

“Rumors are floating around about us getting married.”

“What? How?” He was careful and paid triple to keep things private.

“I don’t know, but I know better than to think anything stays off the feed for long. Since we won, one of the reporters asked about it after the game like it was a joke. I spun it, but—”

“You won?” I smile despite my confusion.

“Damn straight, I did. I just married the woman of my dreams and had the best night of my life. There wasn’t a chance in hell I’d lose that game.”

A wave of heat rolls through me, remembering our night together. “I don’t understand.”

His pause pulls me right back to the here and now.

“I need to keep us quiet for a while.”

Us. It sounds nice, but also like a problem. My empty stomach folds in on itself, hiding this time. I bring my knees closer to my chest, tucking myself into a ball.

When I don’t say anything, Mark continues. “I know that sounds bad. If I had it my way, I’d be shouting from the rooftops that we got married, but . . . this is part of my life now. I can’t do that. A lot is up in the air, and if my organization found out my emergency was getting married and spending the night doing things other than focusing on the game, they’d fry my ass. The media will run with it and spin it and . . . I can’t have that.”

I don’t even know what to think about what he just said. There are so many questions wrapped up in all of it, but the thing that rises to the top is that he doesn’t want people to know about me. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

“So . . . I’m a secret?” I ask carefully, wanting to make sure I understand while my insecurities come strolling out to play .

“Shit. No. I mean—”

“Mark, just tell me what you mean.” It’s my turn to get frustrated and demand answers.

“I don’t know if I can explain this in the next five minutes before I have to leave for an appointment. Lex, this is part of my life. The part I didn’t think about and pulled you into when I made promises to you. I’m sorry. So many things could go wrong if we become a headline at the wrong time.”

“Like?” I need more than that.

“Reporters hunting you down to be the first to show your name and face. If they’re going to do that, you have to be with me where I know you’re safe.”

I can definitely do without that. “What else?”

“I’m a free agent after this season.” He pauses. “Where I play next year is anyone’s guess. I need to stay in good standing and not cause a stir that will give other organizations reason to question my commitment or dedication. I want out of the city. You’d hate it here, and I intend for us to be together.”

My stomach that’s stuffed itself inside my ribs peeks out, but only a little.

“So . . . we wait until the season is over, and then we try to figure out if this will ever work?” I’m not trying to make this more difficult. I just want to understand . . . something.

“Lex,” he says my name, like he’s begging me to understand, but that’s just it. I don’t. I don’t understand anything about where we are or what in the hell we are supposed to do. And for now, I guess that’s how it has to be.

“Look, I know you have to go.”

“Lex, just stay with me. Ok?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

I hear him push out a long breath. “Please don’t be upset. I can’t handle this right now. This isn’t how I want it to be.”

“Me neither.”

“I’ll call you later.” He’s back to being adamant. “I love you.”

I can’t help but wonder if love is enough. “Yeah,” I say softly. “Bye.”

Mark and I are married, but we still can’t be together or even tell anyone. Not that I want to tell anyone anyway. I don’t care if it stays between us for now. I just can’t help but feel like it’s more me that’s the secret and less us.

It’s another thing that’s changed over the years. I trusted Mark with everything all those years ago, but now, I’m questioning things, and it’s the absolute worst feeling in the world.

I groan at the realization that it’s Monday, and I can’t stay in bed all day and hide from my life. Knowing there’s no way I’m going back to sleep, I dress and carry myself downstairs. I need coffee and the shop to get my hands busy working on something.

I find Grandpa in his usual spot at the table.

“Nice to see you’re home. Want to talk about where you disappeared to?”

I pull a mug from the cabinet, careful not to make eye contact for fear of what his overly aware eyes might see. “No.”

“Do I need to worry?”

“No.” If he knew what I’d been up to, he’d probably be skipping down the street.

“Linda and Bree stopped by yesterday morning, hoping to catch you. Bree brought you flowers.” He points to the small bouquet on the counter. “That girl bounced in here like joy on steroids.”

Bree . My heart squeezes with thoughts of the little girl and her big, innocent eyes. I reach for the small bright bouquet and lift it to my nose as my gut jumps up and smacks my heart, dampening its joy. I’ve helped take care of Bree when Linda has needed it. She’s a special little girl, but even as young as she is, her life hasn’t always been easy.

“What’s waiting at the shop?” I need a car to fix and fast.

He folds his paper while I put fresh water in the vase.

“Dodge Ram was towed in yesterday. Won’t start. But your mom has called me twice. Stop avoiding her so she’ll quit calling me.” He stands, brings his mug to the sink, and then swings his arm around my shoulders. “Pal, I’m not exactly sure what’s going on, but I’m here when you’re ready.”

I set the flowers down, letting my head rest on his shoulder, knowing I’ve never questioned where he stands. “I know, old man.”

We stand in silence for a second before the emotions get too high for the both of us, and he drops his arm, stepping away .

“I’m meeting the guys at the diner and then stopping by the store. Let me know if you want something.”

I finish arranging the flowers in the jar before placing it in the center of the table. The bright colors bring a touch of cheer to the worn, dull space. I run a finger over a delicate, bright, yellow petal of a sunflower. I had twelve hours of happiness to fill my sad, lonely insides. I want more than twelve hours. I want a lifetime.