It’s Always Us (Abandoned Brothers #3)

Chapter 18

LEX

My Uber pulls up to the address Mark sent me. A couple of cars sit in the drive, and I double-check the link he sent, instantly realizing maybe I should have thought this through. I tried to call him, but he hasn’t returned my call. A surprise visit probably wasn’t the most brilliant plan, but under the circumstances, there’s no such thing as perfect timing.

My driver clears her throat, peering at me in the rearview mirror while I remain glued to the worn fabric seat.

“Sorry,” I whisper, apparently having lost all confidence along with my voice on the two-and-a-half-hour flight.

I gather my backpack and small suitcase as my nerves form a protest line. Willing myself to ignore them, I open the door and step out, taking a second to adjust my sweatshirt.

This is what I came to do. I can do this. I need to say the words and ignore his handsome face and charm, deny access to all memories of him and his declarations, and not let him pull me in. No touching .

NO TOUCHING until we face reality and understand where we go from here.

I inhale the dry, warm air as the car pulls away from the curb, leaving me stranded. I stare at the white stucco house with a clay tile roof. I can remain stuck on the sidewalk and request another car to come get me, or I can do what I came to do.

It’s you and me, baby. Let’s do this.

I haul myself up to the door and stab the doorbell with a shaky finger, not giving myself a chance to chicken out. Maybe I should call him .

I pull my phone from my pocket, but the door swings open, and a woman with long, dark, curly hair smiles at me. My lungs deflate like two blown airbags, and a cool sweat breaks out in all my dark places. I contemplate running.

I swallow, recognizing her as Sean’s girlfriend, and she’s even more beautiful in person.

I didn’t think this through. I didn’t think about Mark having guests or remember his family would be here. Shit!

“Hi. Can I help you?”

I shift my weight, wondering if I could play the ‘sorry, wrong address’ card, but then I hear Slade’s obnoxious voice call me a pansy-ass. The thought of him catches in my throat.

The fresh wave of hurt shoves me forward.

“I, uh . . . I’m looking for Mark.” I try to suck in air as my anxiety hikes to a ten, and my pulse bangs against my eardrums.

The woman’s eyes run over me, taking note of the suitcase at my side as a tiny bead of sweat rolls down my spine. Then her eyebrows raise with something that resembles . . . amusement.

“Mark, huh? Come on in.”

She pulls the door open further, and I hear what sounds like a full-fledged party. There’s laughter, yelling, and kids’ voices coming from somewhere further inside.

I step into the entryway, expecting her to find Mark and tell him I’m here, but instead, she waves her hand, gesturing me to follow.

“Mark’s around here somewhere. Come on, but watch out for flying things and crawling littles.”

I follow her through the sparsely decorated bright white space and enter a large open kitchen and living room filled with people and kids. I instantly recognize Sean off to the side, holding a crying baby. A woman stands rocking another baby back and forth while kids run loose everywhere.

“Alex?” I hear someone say my name and realize it’s Sean. His brows are pinched tight, eyes zeroed in on me.

“Hi,” I squeeze out through my quivering vocal box but then go back to surveying the space being overrun by children, Styrofoam darts, pizza, and ice cream .

A boy soars by with a large Nerf gun, turning to shoot across the room as he dives to the floor. A little girl hops up on a stool, shoving a spoonful of melted ice cream in her mouth as Shane’s large body pops up from behind a couch. A teenage boy sits in the middle, scrolling his phone, completely unfazed by the chaos.

Shane sends off a round of darts, a couple targeting the petite woman’s behind as she turns to shield the baby.

“Shane, you’re going to pay for that,” she warns, and I see one side of his mouth hitch up as the kid fires a round back at him. “All right, boys, that’s enough!” she yells, but her eyes are set on me.

Shane freezes, staring at me as darts bounce off his chest and fall to the floor. The room suddenly turns quiet, except for a spoon clinking against the bowl and a snorting noise coming from one of the babies.

The heat of a million suns takes up residence underneath my skin, and sweat may roll down my face at any moment.

“I think . . . I’ll wait for Mark outside.” Needing immediate air, I don’t wait, turning to make the short trek back out the way I came, but I take two steps, and WHAM!

Something wet and sticky explodes and runs down the front of me. The smell is so strong my nervous stomach heaves, and I gag.

“Teddy!” A chorus of voices erupts behind me, but all I can do is try not to make it worse with vomit.

Then I hear him. “Lex?”

That voice. The one that instantly makes me melt into a giant pile of goo, believe that the world is good, and that everything will be all right. I need earplugs. I can’t read or write well, but for this task, I need to not be able to hear.

Just his voice makes me want to fall into him and stay there forever, continuing to put off reality, but I have to be strong.

I remain frozen in place, distracted by Mark’s voice instead of whatever is all over me.

Then, he’s in front of me. His arm is in a sling, wearing an open button-down shirt, and that face I’ve never, ever been able to resist. Crap! Don’t look at him.

“Shit! What the hell is that?” His face scrunches with repulsion, and I try not to heave.

“Mark, you said shit.” I hear the little girl from behind me .

“Sorry, Liv. I’ll give you a dollar later. Teddy, do I even want to know?” he asks, peering around me.

“Probably not,” a young voice says. “I’m sorry . . . whoever you are.”

“Are you Mark’s girlfriend?” the little girl asks.

The silence is deafening as I try to breathe and not puke all over the floor.

I break my ‘No Looking at Mark’ rule a second time in desperation. “I’m going to throw up if I have to stay like this.”

“Shit. Right.”

He grabs my hand. Now, two rules have been broken. I will my body to not to react to the tingles rippling through me at the warm security of his hand around mine.

He takes me down a dim hallway, passing a few doors until we reach the last one. He pulls me into the room, kicking the door closed behind us. He faces me, staring, while I try not to breathe through my nose or touch any part of my top half.

Holding my breath doesn’t work because when I inhale again, the strong acidic smell overwhelms me, and my stomach cramps again.

“Shit!” Mark rushes forward, gathers my sticky, rancid-soaked sweatshirt with one hand, and tugs it up over my head.

I gag again as he yanks me free of the shirt that smells close to death. I straighten, trying to swallow down the bile in my throat and wiping my eyes with the back of my wrist, hoping they’re clean.

When my blurry eyes clear, I find Mark’s eyes on me and the size of truck tires.

“What is that?” His voice is so uncharacteristically soft my skin pricks to life with goosebumps.

I close my eyes, needing a moment. Silence lingers a second before he asks again.

“Lex, what . . . is . . . that?”

I stand in my mostly clean bra, frozen in space and time. I should cover myself, but the reality is he’s seen it all before and more. Not that this isn’t exactly why I’m here.

I pull in air, and only a trace of the smell still lingers around me. I stare at him as his eyes flick to my little bump and back up to meet mine.

“A baby.” It comes out in a rush, like a secret finally flowing freely. It’s the first time I’ve said the word out loud, and it’s to the man I want everything with. A warm wave of love washes over me, and it generates a tickle in my throat.

“Nooooo,” Mark says slowly, not trusting it.

His dark eyebrows retract back to a normal level as he stares at my stomach in deep thought. I cross my arms over myself, feeling a bit exposed.

Then a full grin spreads across his face, and I can’t look. That bright and freaking contagious smile has a way of melting all my defenses and resolve, and that CANNOT happen.

I glare at him, needing to activate all reserves.

He lunges for me, and before I can react, I’m pressed up against him as he holds me tight. He feels and smells so good.

“Lex! We made a baby. I’m going to be a dad.”

He sounds so wistful it almost brings tears to my hormonal eyes, but I scream at them to retreat. I can’t cry. I need answers.

He pulls away, and his hand glides against my cheek. “Lex, we made a baby. This is the best news of my life! How did this happen?” He laughs in disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

His question sounds pained, and it pierces my reinforced exterior. “I don’t know. Maybe I forgot a pill or . . . it didn’t work.” He stares at me, his face shining with complete awe and elation. “I’m not sure when I was supposed to tell you.”

“How about any of the times we spoke on the phone?”

“Our five-minute conversations when you had a free moment didn’t really seem like an appropriate time to tell you the most important news of my life.”

He pushes out a long breath. “Our lives. I can’t wait to tell Sean I beat him to it. He’s going to be so pissed.” That damn boyish grin takes flight, and he leans in to kiss me.

I drop my chin, taking a step back. I look around the room, spotting a suitcase lying open with clothes shoved in. “You heading somewhere?”

He laughs. “Yeah, to see you. Couldn’t get a plane until the morning. It was only going to be for a night, but this is so much better.” He studies me, his smile falling. “What’s wrong?”

My throat thickens, but I swallow it away. “We need to talk.”

“Clearly. ”

I reach for a shirt on the floor and pull it over my head, needing to get this out. I grip the hem with both hands, hoping it will give me strength.

“I think maybe . . . we got ahead of ourselves. This baby has to be my priority, and I don’t know how—”

He takes a quick step forward. “I know these months have been unfair and difficult, but I didn’t have a choice.”

“I know,” I say, softly and meaning it—or at least what I think I know about his life. “But we haven’t seen each other for months. I . . . My life is in Ohio. It’s the only place . . . ” I can’t say the words. The burn is too deep and raw when I’m already trying to hold it together. “I don’t see how we make this work.”

He closes the distance between us, pushing the sticky strands of hair over my shoulder and out of the way. “That night in Vegas, there wasn’t a single thing that didn’t work.”

“I’m not talking about sex, Mark.”

He shakes his head. “That was so much more than just sex, and you know it.” He hesitantly reaches down to put his hand on my stomach. “There’s no better proof of that than this.”

Well, just freaking great . His handsy ass is going to pierce all my reinforcements. A tear slips down my cheek, and I quickly swipe it away. He puts his hand on my hip and tugs me to him. I surrender, needing to feel the safety in his arms that’s never faltered.

“I want you, and I want this baby more than anything. You’ve . . . ” His voice is so soft it’s almost a whisper. “You’ve made my only remaining dream come true.” He kisses my temple. “Don’t push me away. Nothing else matters anymore but this.”

I step away, breaking the connection. “I heard you that morning in Vegas, and I’ve heard you every day since.”

He frowns. “What? You heard what?”

“You don’t have time for this. Us.”

His head cocks to the side an inch, but he’s looking way too calm, and it has my walls going right back up brick by brick. “My season is over. I need my shoulder to heal and see what I can do, but from this point forward, my focus is on us. ”

“There is no us. Talking on the phone a few times a week isn’t a relationship. We’re living in what used to be, not where we are now.” His head drops to the floor. “We didn’t think this through. After all this time, marrying me on a whim? Mark, you came back thinking I was about to marry someone else. Would you have even done that if you hadn’t somehow found out I was getting married?”

He huffs, running a hand through the longer hairs on the top of his head, and I can see that I hit an emotional nerve.

“I would have never left all those years ago. If I’d known you were going to ghost me, I would have stayed.”

Jab. Jab. Jab. The truth is excruciatingly painful. But you couldn’t stay. I couldn’t let you. It would have destroyed you.

I swallow down the aching lump choking me. “You and I . . . everything is different, and we won’t even know in all the ways because we’re never together.” He doesn’t move, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. “I’m going home, and you’ll go on with your life wherever that ends up being.”

He laughs. He freaking laughs. “Like hell you are. We can go back to Ohio, but we’re going together to get your stuff. You’re my wife, and you’re carrying my child. We’re going to be together. Forever.”

My hands move to my hips. “And I don’t get a say in this?”

He rubs his face, and his shoulders sag. “Lex, why are you doing this? You showed up in Vegas. You came to me. We got married. You were there and a willing participant. Everything that happened that night wasn’t a mistake. It was . . . everything to me.”

His confusion and torment are evident, and I’m responsible. My insides are being torn apart. A lot of me wants to go to him and pretend this will all turn out the way I’ve always dreamed. The other responsible part knows that life doesn’t work that way, and that’s only become even more apparent over the last twenty-four hours.

He steps closer again, sliding his hand against my cheek and leaving it there. “Please tell me what’s going on inside your head. I used to be able to read you and know exactly what you were thinking when you get quiet. I can’t do that anymore, and I hate it.”

I step away, needing space. I lower myself to the edge of his bed, knowing I need to tell him something. I just don’t know what that something is. I’m confused and lost in all of this .

“I need a few minutes to think. Everything is . . . ” I don’t even know. My eyes sting with frustration, but I blink it away.

His troubled, dark eyes meet mine, and he nods. “I’m going to kick everyone out. We both need a few minutes and then we’re going to figure this out. Together. No more running, Lex. Not from me.”

He waits for me to agree, and I nod. He leaves the room, closing the door behind him. Maybe to give me privacy or maybe so I can’t escape. I want to. It’d be easier, but I know that I can’t run away from this, and I can’t run away from him.

My feet and brain are tired. I’m tired of running but always staying still. I’ve been running in place for the last eight years, trying to get this man out of my head and my heart. It’s never worked.

I glance around his messy room. Clothes hang on the top of the bathroom door, and there’s a pile on the floor. Two of his dresser drawers are half open, with clothes shoved inside. Empty glasses are on his nightstand, along with an iPad.

My vision blurs. He used to say that once he left the group home, he’d never keep a tidy room again. Even with tears cresting, my lips turn upward at the sight.

I dab the wetness away with the hem of his shirt, catching a whiff of whatever was blasted all over me. I go into his bathroom and turn the shower on. Then peel my clothes off to scrub myself clean.

When I step out, drying off, I remember my suitcase is still sitting by the front door. I move to his dresser, pull out one of his t-shirts, and slip it over my head. Unlike the one at home, this one smells like him and isn’t full of holes.

I lie back on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. Everything is changing so fast. My brain is moving a million miles a minute, just as it had the morning I left him in Vegas.

I roll over and climb into his bed. While he breaks up his party, I need a nap. I’ve never been more tired in my life. If I have to be near him and keep a clear head, I need energy and strength.

I rest my head on his pillow and pull the covers over me. His bed is huge and soft and immediately warm. His scent envelops me. Mark the man. My eyes drift shut, thinking the only thing that would make it better is if he were in it with me.

Damn. I’m in so much trouble.