It’s Always Us (Abandoned Brothers #3)

Chapter 19

MARK

I step out of my room and close the door behind me, needing just a freaking minute. I’m in shock and awe and . . . Holy shit!!

I have no idea what to do or think other than try to calm the hell down. I run my shaky hand through my hair and leave it there, trying to slow my racing mind.

I lean against the wall, taking in air, and all I see is Lex’s stomach. The bulge where there used to be none. I push out a slow breath of complete astonished disbelief.

I need to get it together more than ever before. I need a plan and quick because there’s no way in hell I’m losing them—the two most important things that have ever happened to me.

On a mission, I return to a quiet, clean kitchen. Shane and Sean are sitting on the couch like two vultures eyeing their prey. I take a seat across from them in a chair, my mind reeling with questions I have no answers to.

“Anything you want to tell us?” Shane’s low grumble irritates my nerves, standing at attention and waiting for orders.

“Not today.” My mouth doesn’t know whether to grin like the Cheshire Cat or let out a long string of ‘fucks.’

Two pairs of eyebrows raise in my direction, but I don’t give a shit. The only thing I care about is figuring out how not to lose my wife and baby. My baby. My throat swells with a burning itch at the thought of the tiny life. The one Lex and I created.

I swallow it down quickly, remembering the wardens watching me .

“Anything we can do to help?” Sean’s concerned tone is a punch to the gut.

I shake my head, hoping they can’t see my elation and fear. It’s a messed up duo, and I need the former to sack the shit out of the latter. “Not today. I need time with her.”

They stare for some long moments as if I might throw them a bone, but I’m not budging. Sean stands and slaps my good shoulder while Shane eyes me with suspicion before they exit. My two brothers. They’ll be the first to know I’m going to be a father, but not tonight.

Tonight, I need to go back in there and talk to Lex. I have to convince her that I’m so far in this I can’t see straight without her, but I can’t do that until my brain puts itself back together.

I slouch in the chair. I’m going to be a dad—someone’s father. There’s a real live baby growing inside Lex’s belly, and it’s my child. My baby. I’m going to be a DAD!

I stand, running my hand through my hair, wanting to find the nearest mountain and scream it at the top of my lungs. I want to post on social media. I want to wear one of those ridiculous shirts that says ‘Rad Dad.’

I have so many questions, but right at this very moment, the only thing I need to do is convince my quiet-ass wife that she has to stay with me. I just have no flipping clue how to do that.

Lex is pushing me away. I don’t know what happened back then or what’s happening now, but I have to find out. I have to get this mildly mute woman I love to actually talk to me and tell me what in the hell is going on.

She didn’t show up in Vegas on some kind of whim. She came because she wanted to. She married me for the same reason. She kept herself from me all those years ago, but I won’t let her do that again. I don’t care what I have to do. I’ll fight.

I carry myself back to my room, ready to do whatever is necessary to get to the bottom of this. When I open the door and step inside, Lex is curled up in my bed, sound asleep.

I stare at her, all my anxious determination melting. This . This is all I’ve ever wanted, but now, she’s here, and it’s so much more than I could’ve ever imagined.

Under those covers is a tiny baby. Our baby. I quietly remove my jeans with one hand, then gently slip out of my shirt and replace my arm in the sling. I stack pillows and lie down, careful not to touch or disturb her or my shoulder.

Watching her sleep, my mind soars with possibility, but I try to contain it, knowing the woman next to me has a huge say in what happens next. I just need to make sure that whatever that is, I’m a part of it.

______

I feel quick movement next to me, and I jolt awake to a dark room and the outline of Lex sitting straight up next to me.

“Hey. You ok?” I carefully push up on my good arm, wincing at the burn radiating from my shoulder.

Her long hair brushes against my skin. “Yeah, I didn’t know where I was for a minute.”

She rubs her eyes and lays back down next to me, pulling the covers up, her face to the ceiling. Pain shoots through me, trying to get comfortable again. When I get there, I stare at the outline of her profile.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” Her voice is achingly soft.

She’s talking, so I’m keeping my big mouth shut to see what else she might offer.

“I came to tell you about the baby and . . . ”

There’s a long pause. Nothing but darkness, and it takes everything in me to wait. Waiting is not in my nature, but I need her to talk to me. Just when I think she’s not going to say anything more, she lets out a long breath.

“I can’t keep loving you from afar. It hurts too much. I’m not even sure if I’m just loving the memory or if there’s love for the man you are now.”

Her brutal honesty is a bullet to my chest that sends shrapnel soaring, but it’s what I need. It’s what we need if we even have a chance.

I think for a moment, knowing it’s my turn now. “For the last eight years, football is all I’ve had. It had to be. I didn’t have anything else. I know how unfair these past months have been. I’ve made promises and broken them. I’m sorry. I’m having trouble figuring out how to be both what you need and do my job.”

She rolls on her side, her face inches from mine, and I want to grab it and beg her to stay with me. She tucks her arms between us, setting up a clear boundary. I’ve never hated her arms so much, but I’ll tolerate them for now.

“This isn’t just about me. I get that.” Her voice remains soft, but there’s an ache to it. “That might be the hardest part. I wish I could be pissed at you or hate you, but . . . in all the time we’ve been apart, you’ve built a life for yourself. This life. An amazing life. I don’t know how I can fit into that. How we can fit into it.”

Her admission about being scared comes flying back at me like a rogue missile. I need to know all the things she’s afraid of, and I will blast those assholes to pieces. If my job and what it requires is one of them, then I know how to take that one out.

“I’ll quit. I’ll retire.” I cross her clearly drawn line and push a strand of hair away from her eye. “This is the only thing that matters now. You and our baby. I haven’t shown it or acted like it, but I suck at living without you.”

“I think you’ve done just fine.” Her voice is so soft, but I don’t miss the slight quiver in it, making my own throat grow tight. “You can’t quit.”

“Like hell, I can’t.” I tip her chin up, wanting her to look at me. “I would’ve given it all up back then if I’d known—”

“Don’t say things like that. This is everything I wanted for you.”

“But I’ve been walking around this whole time with my heart missing.”

She pulls away, creating more room between us. “Mark, we don’t even know each other anymore. I don’t know your life or what you’re doing most of the time, and you don’t know mine. We’ve changed. Everything about us has changed.”

“We can fix that. We just have to give it a chance.”

“How? You don’t even know where you’ll be playing next season, and when you do, what will that change? You’ll still be living your life somewhere, and I’ll be back home.”

My skin is suddenly hot as a wave of panic rolls through me. I don’t have the answers to any of her questions, and I won’t make any more promises I can’t keep.

“Lex, I can’t lose you. Not again. I don’t know how we’ll make this work, but we will.” I inhale, my throat stinging with heartache. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to be with you. I hate this. I want you in the stands at my games. I want you in my bed every night. I want to see your face and kiss your mouth and never have to be without any of that again.”

There’s nothing but silence, and my panic turns manic until I hear a sniff. I’m done with personal space and risk the pain of reaching for her.

“Mark, I’m so scared to screw this all up. I can’t do that to this baby.”

I tug her flush against me, holding her tight. She scoots closer, resting her head on my good shoulder. “It’s going to be ok. I don’t know how quite yet, but it will. I promise.”

I lay in the dark, her body next to mine, searching for answers and coming up with none. The severe pressure in my chest rivals the joy of her small bump tucked safely up against me.

There’s not even a choice in this. Only one thing can be, and that’s for the three of us to be a family. I’m not sure how we do that or what that looks like, but I’ll do whatever it takes for us to be together.