It’s Mother-Pucking Christmas!

14. Ryder

14

RYDER

I f this were a movie, I’d break into a song about how I was falling for the girl of my dreams.

But instead of a bunch of happy woodland creatures singing in harmony, there were four oversized hockey players raiding my fridge.

“Coach said we had to look out for you,” Mike said by way of greeting.

“By eating all the groceries that I’m the only one who goes and buys?” I asked them, tossing my wallet on the kitchen island.

“You’re home early.” Rick swallowed the rest of the hardboiled egg he was eating.

“Don’t feel too bad.” Pete gave me a crushing hug. The goalie slapped me on the back. “There are plenty of Christmas trees on the lot. You’ll find the perfect one.”

“You moved a little fast, is all.” Erik was rubbing my shoulders. “This was good practice, though. We’re here to do a post mortem.”

“Meeting the family was a big step, and you should be proud you made it that far,” Mike said solemnly.

“I don’t need a ‘You’re a loser speech.’” I shoved Erik off me and set the bag of leftovers on the counter. “I kissed her.” The grin on my face spread as they all cheered.

“Okay, what? Tell me everything,” Utah said, digging in the bag. “How was it? No performance anxiety?”

“I hope you used a condom,” Erik added.

I scoffed, trying to wrestle my leftovers from him. “Dakota made that.”

“Leave it alone!” Mike yelled at Rick as he ate a slice of Dakota’s cake. “That’s his emotional support leftovers.”

“I didn’t sleep with her. It’s too soon. We’ve only had two dates.”

“Look, College Boy, that girl wants you to put out. She ain’t waiting ’til marriage.” Pete shook his head.

“That’s why I’m waiting ’til the third date.”

“My man!” Erik put me in a headlock, ruffling my hair.

“I’ve never wanted any woman like I want Dakota. She’s the whole package. She’s everything. I’m going to marry her.” I was deliriously happy. I didn’t even protest when my teammates dug into the leftovers, making appreciative noises.

Pete collapsed on the floor, mumbling, “Oh my god, this is fucking delicious. I take it back, marry this girl. Go propose right now. I’m buying you a ring.”

A ring!

I lay down next to him, dreaming of the wedding, the happily ever after. A home.

“Do not, I repeat, do not tell her you’re in love with her or propose marriage to her after,” Mike lectured. “She’ll think you’re weird. Even after you two do the deed.”

Erik piped up. “Especially then.”

“This is not the first time I’ve been with a woman. You act like I’m a child,” I shot back.

“You’re College Boy , not college man.” Pete sat up. “And we know your list of failures with women is long and legendary.”

“How many failed proposals do you have?” Mike asked.

“This time it’s different,” I repeated. “I know Dakota will say yes. We’re meant to be together. She’s the woman I’ve been waiting for my entire life.”

I stared up at the ceiling, remembering how amazing her family—crazy, yeah, but cool—was, how perfect she was, kissing her in the snow.

Mike appeared in my vision. “Repeat after me, College Boy…”

“Okay, okay, I know .” I waved him away. “No marriage proposals.”

“And do not tell her you love her.”

“But I think I’m falling for her.”

“No!” Rick jabbed me with a fork. “My god, you’re going to be eighty, and I’m going to still be thirty, and you’re going to be hobbling around on a walker with your third hip replacement, and I’m still going to be having the same conversation with you, aren’t I?”

“I’m stocking condoms in your nightstand,” Erik said, ambling out of the bedroom. He stuck his head back out. “Clean sheets for tomorrow are on your dresser. Don’t forget!”

“Do not blow this,” Mike warned.

“I’m not doing it tomorrow,” I told the guys. “I need to plan our third date. It has to be special.”

“Romantic dinner?” Eric suggested.

“Lame! Go ice skating,” Mike countered.

“Seriously? That’s a fucking cliché!” Rick clapped his hands over my ears so he could swear at Mike. “You all have the shittiest fucking ideas.”

“Take her on a hike,” Pete told me.

“What the fuck?” Mike scowled. “No.”

“It’s romantic with the snow and the view from Maplewood Falls.” Pete turned to me. “She’s sporty. You can hike.”

“That’s a proposal spot. Fuck no.” Mike scowled.

“Well, I can’t take her tomorrow.” I sat up. “I have volunteering, and it’s probably too soon anyway.”

“He’s learning,” Mike said. “Finally.”

“Don’t send her a million texts either,” Erik added.

“Uh…”

“He texted her,” Mike said flatly.

“How much?” Rick demanded. “Gimme your phone.”

“Define a million?” I grimaced.

“This.” Rick held up my phone. “This is a million.”

“Do you think I blew it?” I worried.

Rick typed on my phone. “Don’t worry. I’ll fix it, College Boy. But do not, I repeat, do not touch your phone the rest of the night.”