It’s Mother-Pucking Christmas!

15. Dakota

15

DAKOTA

I missed his texts because I was dealing with Granny Murray, who had been squirting things out of her vag for the ’gram, as she said.

Ryder: Thanks for inviting me!

Ryder: I had a great time!

Ryder: You’re beautiful!

Ryder: And amazing!!!

Ryder: I’ve never met anyone like you!

Ryder: I can’t stop thinking about you!

Then, later, another text message:

Ryder: Sorry to blow up your phone. I just had an amazing time with you.

Ryder: Let me know when you want that third date.

He didn’t respond when I texted him back.

“What does that mean?” I fretted to Gracie as we holed up in my room, the pugs snoring like freight trains at the foot of the bed, sharing the last of the red velvet cake.

“It probably means he’s an athlete.” She yawned. “And has a huge game coming up and his coach will skin him if he’s up at three in the morning texting some girl when he has a six a.m. practice.”

“Right,” I said. “Shit, is it that late?”

“We party hard.” Gracie flopped down on the pillows. “What are you guys doing on your third date? Has he given you a hint?”

“I guess I should plan it.”

Gracie opened one eye. “Didn’t you plan the last two, technically?”

“I always plan. I plan everything,” I argued. “I am the family planner.”

Gracie made a concerned noise. “If Ryder’s so traditional that he wouldn’t even kiss you on the first date, then he might be a little annoyed if you keep planning things.”

My mom barged into my room. “She’s right!”

“Mom!”

My mom’s sisters piled into my room after her.

“You can’t blow this, Dakota,” Aunt Giana warned. “He’s the best man you’ve brought home yet.”

“He’s the only one she’s brought home,” Aunt Stacy added.

“Damn, that’s cold.” Aunt Janet shook her head.

Aunt Stacy shrugged. “But true.”

“That man wants a nice girl,” my mom scolded. “One who will take care of him and support him.” She snapped her fingers. “You need to show up at his practice and cheer him on.”

“I’m going to dress you. I’ll open the salon early. I need to do your brows,” Aunt Stacy promised.

“Does she?” Gracie mused. “I think Dakota should just be herself.”

“No!” my aunts hollered.

“Fine, maybe a teeny-tiny little bit less,” Gracie added, guiltily, “just so you don’t scare him away.”

“You’ll bring him breakfast sandwiches and those pastries you and Gracie make with the vanilla cream,” my mom listed off.

“Wear his team colors!” Aunt Janet added. “Show him you can be a nice girlfriend. You already have a high-powered corporate job. It’s going to be hard to find a man who’s not intimidated.”

“I just work with Gracie. It’s not that high-powered,” I argued, though maybe Mom was right, and I did need to rein it in a tad.

“You work in a very snazzy tower,” my mom chided. “Grayson’s very proud of that tower, isn’t he, Gracie?”

My cousin just ate more cake.

“See, Dakota?” my mom said. “You emasculate men.”

“You have to just dial it back, like, a little bit.” Aunt Stacy scrunched her fingers together. “Or you’re going to run him off.”

“And you’ll be all alone forever,” Aunt Giana added.

“Alone forever?” I croaked.

“I think you’ve spooked the poor girl, Babs.”

“Don’t listen to them!” Granny Murray railed, trooping into my room. “That boy has mommy issues. He likes it. Trust me. I married your grandfather and tried to be someone I’m not, and look where it got me. He ran off with the money, and I have all these children. I have to be hawking my wares on OnlyFans to keep you all fed.” The old woman poked my chest. “You’re pretty and smart and you’ve got a nice ass. Don’t settle.”

“She’s wrong!” My dad and his brothers also piled into my bedroom because even when I die I will never escape my family.

“The hockey game,” his brother pleaded. “Ryder’s going to be on our team.”

“Precisely! Settle. Put out,” my dad advised. “Keep that boy happy just until Christmas, m’kay?” He patted my head. “That’s my favorite daughter.”

“Hey!” my older sister Maria complained, wandering in and crawling in bed next to me. “I thought I was the favorite.”

“If you hadn’t broken up with that dentist…”

“Do you have any idea how much it costs to get a chipped tooth fixed these days?” Uncle Nate told her.

“Oh, is that cake?” My sister looked at the plate.

“No.” Gracie shoved the last of it in her mouth and swallowed. “It’s not.”

As I lay there in the dark after most of my family had vacated—minus three cousins and a sister all crowded in my bed like we were in a Victorian slum—I fretted. Ryder still hadn’t texted me back. Were they right?

Maybe I should show up at his practice. I’d get up early, make him breakfast. Wear a skirt.

Shit, that meant I had to shave my legs. Probably elsewhere too.

“What the hell am I doing?” I whispered to the ceiling. “I don’t want Ryder to fall in love with me. That’s not a good thing. I have to throw him off his game, not completely shatter his heart.”