It’s Mother-Pucking Christmas!

32. Dakota

32

DAKOTA

“ M erry Christmas!”

“This is not what I meant by extortion.”

“You look so cute, Dakota,” my mom cooed as I scuttled down the stairs. “Matching pajamas. Wonderful idea, Ryder. Let me take a photo. Scoot in! Dakota, smile. Oh, wait…”

“You have to press the white button and release it, Mom,” my sister complained. “Don’t hold it. That switches to video.”

“They make these phones so complicated” my mom complained, peering over her glasses as I stood in front of the Christmas tree with my siblings, cousins, and boyfriend, all wearing matching one-piece pajama sets that somehow made me look five months pregnant, flat chested, and like my ass had gotten up and walked away.

“We look like the elves from Santa’s workshop that fried their brains from overwork and eggnog.” I huffed.

“Ryder and I picked these out,” my mom scolded. “Dakota, did you not hear me say smile? This is going on next year’s Christmas card.”

“At least you got your tooth fixed.” My sister had accessorized her one-piece, and she actually looked decent.

“I thought her tooth was cute.” Ryder leaned in to kiss me.

“Ryder, you’re not even wearing the onesie.” I jabbed his rock-hard abs. The sleeves of the one-piece were tied around his waist.

“I actually couldn’t fit in the arms,” he said.

“I’m surprised he could fit in the pants.” Violet made a purring noise and pretended to paw at him.

I slapped her down then yelled at my brother, who was drawing a penis on my cast.

“I want this to be a nice fucking picture for once, goddamn it. Dakota, smile!” My mom swore, taking a photo with her finger over the lens.

“Jesus Christ in heaven, Babs,” Granny Murray declared, “This is as painful as watching amateur porn in the old folks home.” She snatched the phone from my mom and snapped several pictures.

“Let me see! Oh, you look bad, Dakota.” My sister shook her head.

“She looks like she always does.” Nico smirked.

“Shut up!” I yelled at my brother.

“Can we open presents?” Timmy whined.

“This is supposed to be a nice Christmas for Ryder.” Dad swatted Timmy. “Mind your manners.”

“My little Ryder,” my mom cooed and gave him a hug. “Stockings are first.”

“Wait, I need to take another photo,” I said, panicking. “I look terrible in that.”

“Posted already!” Violet said, handing Ryder his phone back.

“What? No! You need to fire her as your publicist,” I warned him.

“But she’s family,” he said mildly.

“Yeah,” Aunt Stacy echoed, “she’s family.”

“I’ve gotten you, like, a hundred thousand new followers,” Violet bragged as my mom passed out our stockings.

“Why does Ryder get a bigger stocking?” my brother complained.

“We’re making up for lost time.” My mother petted Ryder lovingly as we all dug into our stockings.

“Coal?” I shrieked.

“Aw, Mom, seriously?” Timmy sighed as he emptied out his coal-stuffed stocking.

I stared down at the pile of literal coal on the floor in front of me.

I looked in the stocking. Shook it out.

Only coal dust.

“Where are the Sephora gift cards? Where are the face masks? Where are the candles and the chocolate orange? Mom, seriously?”

“Damn, Mom, I thought I was getting a gaming gift card,” Timmy whined.

“You two were horrible to Ryder.” My mom sniffed. “So you get coal in your stockings. Be better people next year.”

“Don’t argue with your mom,” my dad said as he and his brothers passed around booze-laced eggnog.

“Can I just have the rum?” Hudson asked as a cup of thick eggnog was shoved in his hands.

“You take off your shirt you can have whatever you want,” Granny Murray said, making Hudson’s eye twitch. “Ryder’s over here giving the best gift of all.”

“You want to share?” I scooted over to Ryder as he dug through his stocking.

It was filled with Direwolves merch.

“I might not even make the team,” he said in concern.

“You will,” Uncle Nate promised as my mom snugged the Direwolves skullcap onto Ryder’s head.

“He can’t wear that in the photos,” Violet warned. “Put the Icebreakers hat back on him so I can get more pics.”

Gracie grimaced and slipped me one of the Ulta gift cards she got in her stocking. “Merry Christmas.”

“Don’t give her that!” Gracie’s sister Kelly snapped. “You’re too nice for your own good.”

“Hold up your stockings!” my mom ordered. “Say Merry Christmas! Dakota, get that coal up off my carpet.”

I huffed and went to fetch the small vacuum cleaner. When I came back, my mom was announcing, “Okay, now presents!”

Ryder’s eyebrows shot up.

“But this…” He gestured helplessly to the pile of stocking stuffers on the floor. “This is already a lot.”

“This was just the stockings. Like a little appetizer,” I explained. “We go big on Christmas. Wait until you see Christmas dinner.”

My dad, wearing a Santa hat, passed out packages.

Ryder just stared at his pile of beautifully wrapped presents… and not so beautifully, depending on who had done the gifting. I’d begged Gracie to wrap mine, and so of course they looked amazing.

“Just dig into them,” my mom urged him as my siblings and cousins and I all ripped into our presents. Ryder carefully untied the ribbon on his first present while the rest of us tore into ours like wild animals.

“More coal?” I shrieked, opening my first box.

“We used your Christmas present budget for Ryder,” my aunts informed me as he was showered in gifts.

“This is…” His mouth moved silently. “This is insane. It’s like a movie.” He opened a huge box of a full set of Christmas-themed place settings for thirty.

“Wait a minute!” Aunt Janet exclaimed to her cousin. “I gave you that last year. You regifted that to him?”

“It’s so wholesome. Thank you,” he said, looking at the Norman Rockwellian images on one of the dinner plates. “And regifting keeps things out of the landfill.”

“This is maybe a little over-the-top on presents. I can’t believe none of you want to do secret Santa,” my mom complained to her sisters.

They were offended.

“It is my God-given right to spoil my nieces and nephews, even if they are getting up there in age,” Aunt Giana declared.

I opened more of my presents—charcoal face masks, black clothes, charcoal pencils.

“I’m sensing a pattern here,” Ryder said, unwrapping a pastel-green stand mixer.

“What?” I shrieked. “Why does he get a stand mixer and I don’t?”

“That was your stand mixer,” my aunt stated, inspecting the fancy bracelet her husband had given her. “But I gave it to Ryder instead. He deserves it. You don’t.”

“And you gave him the attachments!” I gasped as he unwrapped the next three presents. “You knew I wanted a stand mixer.”

“Ooh, there’s an ice cream maker attachment.” Bella peered over my boyfriend’s shoulder.

“You can use it, Dakota,” Ryder promised me.

“Don’t let her bully you into sharing your present.” My aunt yanked my braid.

“Open the big one!” my mom said excitedly.

Ryder dutifully unwrapped a box filled with a toy train set and a little Christmas village.

“Whoa!”

“It’s for my future grandchildren,” my mom gushed.

“I don’t know where I’m going to put all of this,” Ryder said, a little shell-shocked as he opened another box, this one filled with hockey-themed Christmas ornaments.

“Handmade,” my aunt said, pouring more rum in her eggnog and topping up Hudson’s glass.

“Man, you had no kind of Christmas,” my sister said to me as I unwrapped another coal-themed gift—a small outdoor grill.

“She’s gonna set her condo on fire.” My brother laughed.

“Do you guys want to help me?” Ryder asked my little cousins. They didn’t need to be told twice before they were tearing through the rest of his presents.

It was excessive even by my family’s Christmas standards.

“I think some people just wrapped stuff they were too lazy to put on Facebook Marketplace,” Gracie whispered to me as Ryder, with the help of my little cousins, unwrapped a rice cooker that I was pretty sure I’d given my aunt a couple years ago.

“Man, Ryder.” My dad whistled. “You cleaned up.”

“To be fair, a lot of these were supposed to be Dakota’s.” My sister sniffed.

Ryder smiled at me, swiping at coal dust on my nose. “Thank you!” he said to my family. “I don’t know what to say. This was amazing.”

“You’re not done yet!” Gracie sang. “You didn’t open Dakota’s gift.”

I yelped as Ryder scooped me to my feet because my hands were still not working. “You didn’t have to,” he said, kissing me. “This is a lot. And just having you in my life is all I need for Christmas.”

“Mine is last because it’s the nicest, so just sit there.” I winked at him. “Family, read it and weep.”

“Striptease while we wait, Ryder?” Granny Murray hiccupped.

“No!” my mom yelled.