Lost in Me (Lost Duet #1)

Chapter Three

Emory

My entire body is shaking. My heart is racing as I slowly turn and look through the small crack. The words I told Shawn repeat inside my head. I do trust him. It’s going to sound nuts coming from me, but I know him. I know him better than anyone else here. We both have been watching each other for years. Keeping our distance but watching everything. I know he won’t hurt me. I know deep down inside, he is a good man, even if on the outside he puts up a dangerous front. Shawn is not who he wants everyone to think he is, at least not all the way.

I can see Shawn. He is now standing behind Sherri. Sherri, for the first time ever, is completely quiet. I can tell by her body language that she doesn’t know what to do. We have never had this happen before, but then again, Shawn has never hired a survivor of DV before.

Man, it took me years to be able to say that word, because for so long, I didn’t believe I survived. I was still trying to stay above water when I first moved here, but then I found this place, and it changed everything.

The people here reminded me how strong I am. That I am worth it. That I can do this. They gave me the skills I needed to swim instead of allowing myself to drown, and after everything I have learned, none of it comes to mind now as I stare through the crack. All the skills and knowledge I have gained have left my mind, and the only thing that remains is my fear. My fear of the man who has walked into the center that has become my safe haven. My fear of this man taking me back to the place where I lost myself.

I take a deep breath as I look from Sherri to the man that caught my attention. The man that made my heart sink standing on the other side of the counter is Jesse Cannon, my ex. His threats and promises flood my mind. The threat and promises he made in front of everyone in the courtroom before they took him to prison.

“I know she works here,” Jesse states through gritted teeth.

How did he find me so quickly? Has he been watching me this entire time? Why didn’t the officers call to let me know he got out? Did he hurt them to find out where I was? All these questions consume my mind as my heart starts to race even faster.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t tell you if she does or does not,” Sherri states with confidence.

She is doing a good job not showing Jesse that she is afraid. I, on the other hand, am terrified. I want to run for the door and keep running, but I know I wouldn’t get that far. He would catch me. And even if I wanted to, I can’t. I am frozen exactly where I am. This spot right now is my new prison, my new nightmare, as I continue to look at my ex, the man I used to love. That man did nothing but hurt me and take from me until I had nothing left to give.

“Don’t fucking play this game with me. I know for a fucking fact she works here and she is in this building right now.” Jesse says, getting louder.

Even after all these years, I know him, and I know that soon he will lose all control and power over himself.

“Sir, like I have told you, I can’t give you any information,” Sherri states in a stern voice. She is my friend, one of my only friends, and to see her standing up to him makes me want to smile. Reminds me of the life I have created for myself.

“This is bullshit!” he screams as he slams his hands onto the counter.

I jump and quickly lift my hands and place them over my mouth to keep myself silent as I watch Shawn go around the counter so fast that Jesse doesn’t have time to react. Shawn walks right into him, quickly lifts his hand, and grabs Jesse’s throat. I have never seen anyone stand up to Jesse. Where I am from, everyone stays clear of him. They are afraid of him, but Shawn is afraid of no one.

“Get your fucking hands off of me!” Jesse yells in Shawn’s face. The look in Jesse’s eyes right now brings me back to the courthouse, back to when I was on the stand, sharing with everyone what Jesse did to me after he kidnapped me. The look he is giving Shawn right now is the look that has haunted my nightmares. The look he used to keep me in line, the look that let me know I was about to get punished.

Shawn doesn’t say anything, but I see that he tightens his grip on Jesse’s throat. Jesse lifts his hands and grabs Shawn’s wrist, trying to get his hand off him, but Shawn is much stronger. Watching Jesse struggle against Shawn makes me realize just how little power and control he has right now. When we are around others, the power and control he had over me when we were alone disappears.

“If I ever fucking see you on my property again, you will fucking regret it,” Shawn states in a dark voice, making chills go down my spine.

“What the fuck you gonna do, dude? I will find her,” Jesse says, keeping his eyes deadlocked on Shawn. Neither one of them is backing down.

Shawn leans in, his face now a few inches away from Jesse’s. Shawn stands still against Jesse. The room is completely silent for a moment.

“I will fucking kill you,” Shawn states, and I know he will. I believe his words. I know what he says is not just a threat, it is a promise—a deadly promise.

“You can’t threaten me,” Jesse states in a surprised voice. He is not used to someone standing up to him, but I know Shawn and Shawn will not back down.

“I can do whatever the fuck I want. This is my town. Now get the fuck out,” Shawn says in a low dark voice as he releases Jesse’s throat. Jesse quickly moves away from Shawn. He stands still for a moment, looking Shawn up and down.

“You will fucking regret keeping her from me,” Jesse yells, continuing to look at Shawn.

“Get out,” Shawn repeats, pointing to the entrance of the building.

Jesse takes a deep breath. His hands form into fists. “I know you can fucking hear me, Emory. I am coming for you, and when I get my hands on you, you will never fucking escape!” Jesse screams as he turns and walks out of the building.

My heart is beating so fast I can hear it in my ears. I know I am crying, but I can’t hear it through my heartbeat. I lean over, resting the side of my head on the wall. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. He wasted no time finding me. I knew this day would come. I tried to prepare, and now that it is here, I am frozen. I am right back in the state of mind I was at the courthouse. Right back where I was in that locked room with him.

I feel a set of knuckles gently brush against my cheek. My body flinches a little. I open my eyes and turn my head. Shawn is standing right there. His breathing is rapid. His eyes search mine as he lowers his hand from my cheek. I hate that I flinched. I hate that I feel completely out of control right now.

“Are you okay?” Shawn asks me, tilting his head to the side.

I shake my head slowly.

He takes a deep breath and reaches out his hand to me. I don’t know why, but I take it without having to think. He slowly guides me away from the corner and out of the break room.

He leads me down the hallway toward his office. I let him guide me inside as he closes the door and releases my hand. I stand still, feeling vulnerable and naked. I feel unsafe and uncomfortable. For all I know, Jesse is waiting outside the building for me. I feel trapped.

Shawn grabs my hand and leads me over to the couch. I sit and sink into it, wanting to escape. Wanting to run.

Shawn quickly makes his way over to me and stops in front of me. I watch him slowly kneel. He places his hands on my knees and takes another deep breath. I think taking a deep breath is the only thing either of us can do right now.

This whole situation is insane, and I feel embarrassed. I feel like an outsider looking into the life I was creating. No one here will ever look at me the same again. They now will only see the trauma and the man at the counter screaming, demanding to see me.

All the healing I have done over the years, the power and control I felt I had gained back has just been shattered and taken away. Jesse, once again, has become the center of my life and my thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, looking into Shawn’s eyes. He tilts his head to the side and continues to search my eyes. His eyes are calm, and his breathing is more stable now. The rage I saw earlier is gone and is replaced with worry and concern.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Shawn whispers.

I slowly look around his office. I have only been here once when I had the interview. Since then, I have only seen his office from my office. It is a lot more colorful and put together than I thought it would be. There are pictures on the walls. There is a rug in the center of the office and two chairs on one side of the desk, and his big black leather chair is on the other side. This office is a lot more inviting than I thought.

I look back at Shawn. His eyes are still deadlocked on me. “I need to go,” I state softly through my fear. I love the life I have been building here, but if I must leave it to keep everyone safe, including myself, then I will start over again in a different place.

“Go where?” Shawn asks.

“Anywhere but here,” I answer, breaking my eyes away from him. I look down at my hands. They are still shaking. I am still shaking. I have a feeling that won’t stop anytime soon. I hate feeling this way. Uncertain and unsafe.

“So that was your ex I read about in your file,” Shawn states.

I know that’s not a question, it is a statement. Shawn knows more about me than anyone else does. A normal person wouldn’t read someone’s therapy file, but Shawn is not normal, and I am not normal. I should be mad that he read my file and knows so many personal things about me, but I am not mad. I am fine with it, which after what I have been through, is odd.

I am always on guard, but Shawn has a calmness about him that makes me feel comfortable. Even though I am still nervous, it isn’t a bad nervous. He is just very intimidating, and he knows it. He is powerful and rich, and I have learned over the years that people either fear him, respect him, or both.

I nod my head slowly, still looking down at my hands.

“You don’t have to leave, Em,” Shawn states, pulling my attention from my hands back to him. I look up at him. His hands are still on my knees. He is still kneeling in front of me, which I am guessing is a new position for him. He doesn’t seem like the type of guy who kneels for just anyone, and honestly, I don’t know why he is doing it for me.

I wish I could agree with Shawn’s words, but I don’t. Jesse has made it clear to everyone that he is not going to stop until he has me back, and I fear what will happen once he does get his hands on me. I almost died in that room he had me locked in, and now that I put him in prison and he has served the time, I can only imagine what he has planned for me. “Yes, I do. You heard him.” These are the only words I can say as the thoughts of what Jesse is going to do to me flood my mind.

“He won’t touch you,” Shawn states with confidence.

Confidence I wish I had. I don’t know what makes him think that, but I do know Shawn doesn’t follow normal society rules, and I also know Shawn is willing to cross over many lines, or at least that is what I have heard through rumors in the office. You don’t become a millionaire drug dealer by not crossing over some lines. He and I are from different worlds.

I don’t respond. I honestly don’t know what to say. I don’t know what the hell is going on. This morning, I woke up. My life was normal, or at least as normal as it can be, but now everything has been broken and shattered.

After a few moments of us staring at each other, I finally feel I can say something. Hearing Shawn say that honestly took me off guard. I have only heard the officers say that, and even though I don’t know how he can say it, I am starting to believe him. I can see the honesty in his eyes. “I believe you,” are the only words I manage.

I trust Shawn. I don’t know why, but I do. I trust his words. I saw how he was with Jesse. He is not afraid of him. He will not back down or submit to him.

I need Shawn. I need the other Shawn, the one he keeps hidden from us. The real him, the one I think I saw a piece of today.

“Will you please help me?” I ask, continuing to look into his eyes. This whole situation is weird and makes me uncomfortable, but being uncomfortable is not new to me. I am normally uncomfortable about something.

“Yes,” he says without needing to think, just like I didn’t need to think when I took his hand and let him lead me into his office.

“Thank you,” I state softly. I feel my heart continuing to race as he keeps his hands on my knees.

“You might not want to thank me, Angel,” Shawn states in a low voice. My heart skips a beat as his nickname for me repeats over and over inside my head.

“Why?” I ask before being able to stop myself. I always seem to ask the wrong questions, and honestly, I don’t know if I want to know his answer, but I can’t take it back now. The words have already left my mouth.

“Because once the door is open to my world, you might never escape it,” Shawn answers. It sounds like a warning. A warning that should make me want to run, but it doesn’t. It makes me curious.

“I think I am okay with that,” I say softly, feeling my heart race with my words. He looks just as surprised as I am.