Lost In The Dark (‘Lost’ #1)

CHAPTER 15

ADDY

I was amazed how much better I was feeling the next morning as I made my way downstairs.

I’d woken just thirty minutes earlier from a pretty sound sleep. I’d only had one nightmare all night, and it hadn’t been the terror filled screaming variety. Of course the fact I hadn’t gone back to sleep at all the night before that - the night we had ended up watching the movie together, after my screaming nightmare - had meant that I was so tired all day I had barely been able to keep my eyes open.

I had been like a zombie all day, and everyone, especially Eli and Adam had tried to convince me to take a nap multiple times, no matter how much I refused. I was just so afraid of sleeping after the nightmare the night before. I honestly wasn’t sure I had the strength to survive another flashback like that. It hadn’t left me for hours, and even when the smell of that room and my blood diminished, I could still hear my own screams echoing through my mind when silence descended around me.

Eventually exhaustion had won out and I had fallen asleep cuddled up against Asher while we watched some boring rerun, late the previous evening. He must have carried me to my room, because when I jumped awake from the one nightmare I’d had, I’d been in bed and Asher had been in the armchair right beside me, snoring quietly.

I hated the fact he slept in that uncomfortable looking armchair when he was with me, but when I’d told him he could lie on the bed beside me, like Eli did, he refused, saying he still had some violent nightmares occasionally, and he was terrified he’d hurt me if he laid beside me. It was the only time since I had met him that he had shown any kind of doubt in himself. He was always so sure and strong. To see him seeming slightly vulnerable had me wanting to find a way to care for him just as much as he had cared for me.

He had still been in the armchair, fast asleep when I woke up that morning, so I had left him in peace and hurried through my routine of showering and getting dressed.

Now as I made my way to the kitchen in search of breakfast, I felt a little lighter than I had in days. I had slept well, and my pain seemed a little less. The noise in my head was actually quieter for the time being, and I even had a little more strength in my weak body. The sleep had worked a miracle.

“Hey princess,” Jordan greeted as soon as I walked into the kitchen.

“Morning,” I returned with a smile I didn’t have to force. Ever since the night Jordan and Adam had been with me after my nightmare, things between us had become a lot easier. After practically laying on top of the both of them as we watched the movies that night, I was no longer afraid of them. In fact I felt almost as safe with the both of them as I did with my brothers, and it had really helped me to get more comfortable in the house. I no longer feared walking into the kitchen and seeing Adam or Jordan. In fact it was the opposite. It made me feel all warm inside when I saw them, the two of them always having a smile for me.

“How did you sleep?”

“Pretty good. I actually feel a lot better this morning,” I told him with a smile.

“You look better. You have some color on your face,” he agreed. “You want breakfast? Adam’s in the gym but I can make something.”

“Adam warned me about letting you cook,” I chuckled as I recalled Adam’s story of Jordan setting fire to the kitchen last time he cooked a frozen pizza, and didn’t take the plastic from underneath out.

“He told you the pizza story, didn’t he?” he grumbled and I nodded. “It was one time! I can cook!”

“I believe you,” I assuaged him with a smile. “But how about, just to be safe, I cook us something for breakfast?” I couldn’t stop smiling and I realized how confident I must be feeling to sit there and joke with Jordan as I was. I wasn’t sure I had ever been as open and easy going with anyone in my life as I was with the four guys I now found myself living with.

I had always been shy, and conversation didn’t come easily to me. I guess I was always afraid of being myself, since my mom had put down who I was so much growing up. I didn’t like who I was. I never really had, if I were honest with myself, and I feared no one else would either if they truly saw me. But there I had opened up so much in just a week. I wasn’t afraid to be the real me, even if she was completely messed up now.

“Can you cook?” Jordan asked skeptically.

“Enough to handle breakfast.” I moved around the counter and went to the refrigerator to see what we had. I decided I’d make something I could keep warm so there was enough for the others when they came down. “How about pancakes?” I asked as I lifted my head and looked at Jordan.

“What kind?”

“Well, in honor of you – Mr. sweet tooth – how about chocolate chip with caramelized bananas?”

“You know me so well. I’m in!” he agreed happily.

“Good, Grab a mixing bowl. You can help me,” I told him. He eagerly nodded and did as I said, making me smile again.

We both got to work, Jordan making the pancake batter according to the ingredients I dictated, while I cut the bananas and got the skillet hot.

“Will everyone want pancakes?” I asked as I weighed up how many bananas to chop.

“Me, Eli, and Asher for sure. Adam is boring. He’ll probably just have oatmeal, or a protein shake,” he shrugged. “Kane’s usually here at breakfast too, but he hasn’t been by much lately, so I wouldn’t bother to cook for him.”

“Kane usually eats with you guys?” I asked, surprised. I had only seen him in the house once in the week I had been there, and that was when he was helping me through my panic attack.

“Not always, but usually breakfast most days, and he comes for dinner when he’s not busy. He’s not like the other security guys. Asher considers him family and tries to bring him into the fold as much as he can.”

“What do you mean tries? Doesn’t Kane want to?” I asked, genuinely interested in knowing more about the mysterious man who had made me feel things I had never experienced before that day in the garden.

“Kane tries too, but he came out of the military with some issues. He struggles around people, I think, and we’re all kind of loud. That’s why he has his own place beside the security building. He lived with us at first, but it was just too much for him, having all of us in the house. He’d freak out on bad days, especially when he heard us moving around at night. He told Asher he needed his own space and planned to move into town, but Asher had his house built for him so he could stay close.”

I realized immediately that was what Kane had meant when he told me he saw me. He understood what was happening to me because he had obviously been through his own version of hell. And now he was staying away from the family who wanted to take care of him because of me. It had to be because of me. Why else would he suddenly stop doing something he had been doing consistently before my arrival, like coming to breakfast? That made me feel crappy. I hadn’t meant to make him feel uncomfortable in what was essentially his own home.

“I’ll text him,” I declared. Maybe he’d stayed away because he knew I was wary of him. It was time I corrected that. “See if he’s free to join us this morning.” I pulled out my cell and sent a simple text telling him I was making breakfast and asking if he could join us.

After it had sent I couldn’t stop glancing at my cell every few minutes as I started the cooking, but no reply came. I couldn’t help but worry that I had done something to make him dislike me. He had been really annoyed with me the day he found me out in the snow without a coat. Maybe he just thought I was an idiot and couldn’t stand my company, but then I remembered that intense, confusing moment between us when it seemed like he was going to lean in and kiss me. Had that been real, or had I misjudged it all? It wasn’t like I had much experience in that sort of thing. I’d had one boyfriend and I was pretty sure that was far from a conventional relationship.

“Addy?” I looked up and found Jordan right beside me. “It’s burning.” He nodded to the pancake I was cooking and I followed his gaze to see smoke starting to come from it.

“Darn!” I cursed as I pulled the skillet from the heat and flipped the pancake out with a spatula. I’d completely zoned out again. I really needed to stop doing that. It was like I got lost in my head, and it was new. I hadn’t done that before.

“Darn?” Jordan laughed. “You don’t like to swear do you?”

“No,” I replied as I tossed the ruined food into the trash. “My mom had a foul mouth and I hated it. I try not to follow in her footsteps.”

“I think it’s cute that you don’t curse,” he shrugged as he took the pan from me and set it back on the heat. He spooned the next pancake into it, then handed me the spatula. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell Adam you almost burned his kitchen down,” he added with a wink.

“I didn’t! It was only a little charred,” I protested, but I was smiling again.

We worked together then to finish cooking everything, and just as I was starting to plate food up for the two of us, Asher and Eli walked in, freshly showered, and dressed.

“You’re cooking?” Eli asked me.

“Jordan helped. It’s pancakes. Is that okay?” I asked, suddenly feeling a little nervous.

“It smells great,” Asher told me with a smile, as he headed straight for the freshly brewed coffee. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Really good actually. Thank you for staying with me.”

“I already told you not to thank me for that,” he told me as he passed me with a full cup of black coffee and paused to kiss the top of my head. “You look good this morning,” he commented.

“I feel better.” I looked up with a smile, grateful for the small gesture that meant so much.

“Can I help with anything?” Eli offered as he appeared beside me. I patted his arm and smiled.

“I have it handled. Grab a seat and I’ll plate up.” He placed his hand over mine and gave it a squeeze as we shared a moment. It was written all over his face how relieved he was to see me looking better and I knew it.

“I’ll grab cutlery. Did Kane reply, princess?” Jordan asked.

“Kane?” Eli questioned.

“I sent him a text to invite him for breakfast, but he didn’t get back to me. I guess he’s busy,” I shrugged, trying to mask my disappointment.

“You should talk to him, Ash. We’ve barely seen him this week. He can’t be that busy, can he?” Eli questioned.

“I’ve noticed, and I am worried. I’ll track him down later and check on him,” Asher agreed. I was glad to hear that, but I still worried that it was all my fault. I hated the idea that my presence was pushing him out.

I set to work filling two more plates and tried not to dwell on Kane, knowing I’d zone out again if I got lost in thought.

It felt good to have done something for the guys as I handed out the plates, even if it was just a small thing. They were all smiling and they looked more relaxed than I had seen them in the week I had known them.

As I sat down Eli handed me a soda, then we all tucked in. The pancakes were pretty good, much to my relief. I was fairly competent at cooking in theory, because of all the cooking shows I loved to watch and the cookbooks I had devoured when I worked at the library, but in practice I had rarely cooked for myself. There just never seemed much point when it was just me, plus money had always been tight for me.

“What smells so good?” Adam asked. I looked up and just stared hard. He had obviously been in the shower after his workout and his hair was slightly damp. He was dressed in jeans and a white button down shirt that contrasted perfectly against his darker skin tone. The shirt was untucked, and the sleeves rolled up his muscular arms to his elbows. I was resolved to stick to my plans of becoming a crazy dog lady after everything, but good God, Adam and Jordan were making it very hard. I found myself noticing them in ways I had never bothered to look at the opposite sex before.

“Addy and I cooked breakfast. Pancakes. They’re good,” Jordan replied as he held up a full fork, then shoved it in and groaned loudly. “So good.”

“Do you want some? I made enough,” I offered as I forced my eyes from gawping and moved to stand.

“I have to try them. They smell awesome,” Adam told me with a smile. “But I’ll get them. You finish eating,” he added.

I nodded, relieved, since I was completely unsure what my body and brain would have me doing if I got too close to him looking as hot as he did. Which was insane, I knew, but it was like I had no control of my reactions around him and his brother. And Kane too, if I was honest. What is wrong with you? I asked myself. My behavior was just so out of character for me.

Adam had filled a plate and grabbed some coffee, then dropped down into the seat beside me, and I was instantly wrapped in the scent that was him - a mix of his woodsy aftershave and whatever shower gel he always seemed to use, I guessed. He always smelled so amazing.

“These are delicious, honey. It’s a real treat to be cooked for. Thank you,” he told me after he took a bite.

“I agree. They were delicious, sweetheart. Thank you,” Asher said as he moved to stand and pick up his empty plate. I reached a hand out to where he sat beside me and stilled him.

“There’s just a couple of things I wanted to talk about, if that’s okay?”

“Of course,” Asher nodded as he sat back down and gave me his full attention. As I glanced around the table I realized they had all stopped eating and were focused on me. It made me nervous but I knew I needed to grab the moment while I was feeling a little stronger.

“Well, f-first I wanted to thank you all for being so kind and patient with me since I got here. You’ve been great and I know I’ve interrupted your lives a lot,” I began.

“Addy, you really don’t need to thank us for that. You’re family and we’re just glad to have you with us, where you belong,” Eli hurried to tell me as he leant past Asher to place his hand over mine.

“He’s right. We’re all just happy to have you here,” Adam agreed.

“Thank you,” I told them all with a shy smile. “You’ve all made me feel safe in this house and I…I think that’s helping a lot. I’m sleeping better and I feel a little stronger.”

“That’s great, Addy,” Asher told me and I nodded.

“It is. Which brings me to my next point. I think you guys should get back to normal – especially you and Eli. You haven’t been into the office once since I got here and I think I’m ready for you to do that now.”

“I already told you not to worry about that. I can run things from my office here. The business is fine,” Asher reassured me.

“He’s right. We want to be here with you,” Eli agreed.

“I know, and I’m so grateful for that. I really needed you here to start with because I was just terrified constantly, but it’s different now. I’m comfortable here, and I feel safe with Jordan and Adam. I’m not sure I’m ready to be left alone completely, but I’ll be okay if one of the others is here with me.”

“I’m almost always here, so that won’t be a problem,” Adam agreed, which I was grateful for.

“I just…I think we should try to find some kind of normal. God knows I’m far from it, but maybe if we all have some kind of routine, it will help me. I hate keeping you from your business,” I went on.

“She’s right, Ash. It’s important to get back to normal, and like Ad said, he’s always here. I’m quitting my job too, so I’ll be around more.”

“You’re quitting your job?” Eli repeated.

“Yeah. I hate it there. I’m going to quit today and focus on finding something I really want to do. Adam and I discussed it and he agreed,” Jordan explained.

“See. I’ll be fine. The guys will be here and we have the security. You don’t both need to worry about me so much,” I told Eli and Asher as I looked between them.

“I don’t like it. What about when you have a panic attack?” Eli asked.

“Adam or Jordan, or both of them will be here and I’m good with them now. I’ll deal with it.”

“And we can call you if we have to. You’re only a thirty minute drive away. Kane will be here too. We’ll get by, guys,” Adam added and I nodded my agreement.

“I’m a mess, Eli, and that’s not going to change in the next few weeks. It’s going to take time, and I’m sure I will have anxiety and lots of nightmares in that time. We just have to try to keep going around it all, and find some normality, until I can find a way to deal with it. You can’t just stay by my side forever,” I told him.

“Why can’t I?” Eli asked. “We already let you down so many times because we didn’t know about you. I don’t ever want to let that happen again. You’re my sister. I want to take care of you.”

“You are, Eli. Both of you are, but I don’t need you at my side at every second, for you to continue to do that. We all have cells and I’m a big girl. If I need you and you’re not home, I’ll call you. If I’m going to make a new life here, like you keep saying you want me to, we have to find our new normal, me as well as you.”

“How about we start slow?” Asher suggested. “Tomorrow Eli and I will head into the office for the morning and come home at lunch. We’ll do that for a while and if it works out okay, we’ll return to work as normal.”

“I think that sounds great,” I agreed happily. Asher and I both looked to Eli, who nodded reluctantly. I knew he hated the idea of leaving me. He was a worrier, and I certainly had a lot going on for him to worry about, but that was part of why he needed to go out to work again. He fussed and worried over me too much, and it was affecting him. He looked tired all of the time and I hated that. If we could find some normal I hoped he would see that I could be stronger than he thought, and he wouldn’t worry quite so much.

“It’s all gonna be good, brother. Stop stressing. One of us will always be here with Addy, and she’s strong. Let her be strong,” Jordan told Eli as he clamped a supportive hand over his shoulder.

“There’s one more thing,” I announced nervously. This was the one that really scared me but it was a step I knew I had to take if I was going to find any peace in my own head. “I know you mentioned me seeing a trauma counselor, Asher. I’m nervous about it, if I’m honest, but I want to try a few sessions and see how it goes, if that’s okay?”

“I’ll call and make an appointment for the earliest slot they have,” Asher told me as he gave me a wide smile. “I know you’re unsure about this, sweetheart, but I think some counselling could really help.”

“I do too, and you won’t be alone. One of us will take you and stay right outside. If it becomes too much, we’ll be there,” Adam told me, and I nodded gratefully.

I was emotional as the guys resumed eating. I was just so lucky to have them all there to support me and I knew it. I was grateful for every bit of kindness they gave me. I knew what it was to be alone, and in the past I’d always been okay that way. Now though, after everything that had happened in the two years since I was grabbed, I knew for a fact being alone would not have worked for me. Alone I’d have simply drowned in the darkness that fought daily to consume me. Alone I was pretty sure I would have given in to the demons in my head and just given up. But those guys – my brothers, Adam, and Jordan – they wouldn’t allow me to drown and they certainly wouldn’t let me give up. They were holding me just above the darkness until I felt strong enough to pull myself all of the way out. I had so much to thank them for and I didn’t even know where to begin.