Lost In The Dark (‘Lost’ #1)

CHAPTER 14

JORDAN

I was so relieved as I slammed my truck engine off and just lay my head against the wheel. It had been a shitty day and I was so relieved to be home.

I wasn’t even sure how I had allowed my life to become what it was. Just a year ago I had been going through proposals with teams I never even imagined I would one day play for, after a hugely successful start to my career in football. I was all set for the big leagues and I was living my every dream.

One game, one tackle and my whole future had been ripped out from under me. My knee was fucked and playing professional football was over for me. In a matter of twenty-four hours my dreams had been ripped from me and I found myself completely adrift.

Sure I had a degree in business, which Asher had persuaded me to get as a backup, and I was grateful for that, but I just wasn’t the kind of guy who could spend his days cooped up in a suffocating office. Coaching football had been an option, but I just couldn’t see myself sitting on the sidelines, watching guys live the dream I had lost.

So I chose to become a personal trainer. And I fucking hated it. I hated the people who I worked with, all of them rich, entitled assholes who thought I was going to work some miracle and help them achieve their dream body without them having to put any work in. I hated being cooped up in that stuffy gym all day and I absolutely loathed the crazy amount of paperwork that came with working for a place as fancy as the company I had joined. I needed to get out, but first I needed another job, and considering I had no idea what I wanted to do, that was going to prove tricky.

After a few minutes I sat up, grabbed my bag, and got out of the car. The answers I needed weren’t in there and I was eager to check on Addy. She’d been with us a couple of days now and she seemed to be starting to settle in. She was still wary around Adam and I, but she talked with us, and didn’t jump when we handed her things. It was all progress.

I liked her a lot. She was sweet, and adorably shy. I wasn’t sure I had ever met anyone as kind and thoughtful as her, and I had barely even gotten to know her yet. Most of all she was brave. So fucking brave. She tried so hard to push herself even when she was afraid, and even after one of the flashbacks she suffered with, she worked hard to get through it and gather herself. That took guts, especially in a house full of people she barely knew.

I hadn’t gotten to spend much time with her because of my crazy hours, but I wanted to. I wanted to get to know her. I hoped she would warm up to me and eventually feel comfortable enough to spend time with me.

I opened and closed the front door to the house quietly, knowing loud noises scared Addy. The place seemed quiet and when I walked into the living room I found Adam alone, watching some cooking show he was obsessed with. He looked up at me and nodded.

“Hey,” I greeted. “Where is everyone?”

“Ash and Eli had that fundraiser thing. Addy headed up to bed about an hour ago,” he replied as he muted the TV and turned to me. “You okay?”

“Tired. I hate my job,” I grumbled as I dumped my bag on the sofa and sank into the armchair opposite.

“That’s not anything new.”

“I know, but honestly bro, I just don’t know how much longer I can handle those dicks I work with. I hate that place. I’m seriously thinking about taking Ash up on that offer to work at the office with him,” I sighed.

“You’d hate it, Jord. Office work isn’t for you,” he pointed out. “I already told you; you don’t have to get a job right away. We have enough money to cover us for decades from the inheritance. Just take some time out and work out what you really want to do.”

“You know I can’t just sit idle. I need something to do or I’ll get bored.”

“Then volunteer some place. There’s that outreach center we donated the sports equipment to in the city. Go and check that out. Do something valuable.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “Maybe you’re right. Is there dinner?”

“I left you a plate in the microwave,” Adam chuckled. “I guessed you’d be hungry.”

“How was Addy?” I asked before I got to my feet in search of food.

“Good. She had a good day today. No panic attacks. Zara turned up and got all bitchy, but Addy handled it great. She seemed okay with me after the guys left. I think she’s less scared of me now,” he told me and I couldn’t miss the hope in his eyes. I knew he hated the fact that Addy had seemed almost scared of him when she first arrived. I got why, of course. Adam was a huge fucker and add to that how hard he worked out and how muscular he was – he could definitely be intimidating, but he wasn’t like that. He was a big marshmallow really. All he wanted to do was take care of us all, and he hated that he had needed to step back with Addy these last couple of days.

“She’ll get there, Ad. Just give her some time. You’re doing better than me. I’ve barely even had chance to speak with her,” I told him.

“You’ll have plenty of time if you quit that lame ass job you hate.”

“I’ll think about it,” I agreed as I got to my feet and headed for the kitchen. I’d just rounded the island when a piercing scream echoed through the house, instantly putting me on edge. I looked to Adam, but he was already on his feet and running for the stairs.

“Addy!” I gasped as I realized what was going on. It had to be a nightmare, but I had never heard her screaming like that. I was pretty sure security would come running in soon, since they had to hear the screams that kept coming, one after the other.

“What do we do?” I cried as we made it to the landing, me just behind my brother.

“Text Ash and Eli. Tell them we need them back here,” Adam told me.

“And until they get here?” I was already sending the text as I spoke.

“We have to hope we can calm her down.” Another scream had Adam racing into her room and I was right on his heels.

The room was lit by the lamp on the nightstand, so I could see Addy laid in bed, her face twisted in agony as those screams just kept coming. They were deafening and completely heartbreaking. Tears were running down her cheeks and I could see how hard she was trembling from across the room.

Adam knelt on the floor beside the bed and leaned in close. He place his hand on her forehead and started trying to rouse her. I hurried over and sat on the bed on the opposite side. Addy flailed a little so I grabbed her hand and held it between both of mine.

“She’s so cold,” I gasped as I felt her icy fingers under my palm.

“Addy, wake up now, honey. It’s just a nightmare. It’s not real. You’re safe,” Adam said softly. She let another scream rip and I couldn’t take it anymore. Scaring her awake was better than whatever she was suffering in her nightmare.

I rose up onto my knees and put my hands on her shoulders, then I shook her just a little.

“Addy!” I snapped hoping she would wake at the sharp sound. “Addy, wake up!”

The latest scream stopped halfway through and her eyes opened suddenly. She took a deep, loud gasping breath as she stared at me with confusion, but she didn’t fight me as I had expected her to.

“You’re okay, honey. It’s just us. Adam and Jordan. You’re safe,” Adam hurried to assure her and he gently took her hand in his. She looked over to him and then back to me.

“Jordan?” she whispered as I released her and sat back on the bed.

“Yeah, just me, princess. You’re okay,” I tried to reassure her. I wanted to lift her into my arms, but I knew that would scare her, so instead I just placed my hand on her forearm and rubbed up and down a little.

“Adam?” She looked to my brother as she continued to gasp breathlessly. “What…”

“Just try and slow those breaths for us, okay? We’re both right here. You’re safe,” he told her again and she nodded this time, like she believed him. She managed to take a few deeper and calmer breaths, but tears continued to run down her face and she was shaking badly.

“I…I’m okay now. You c-can go,” she whimpered when she looked up at us with clear embarrassment.

“You don’t need to pretend to be okay. We know you’re not,” I told her plainly.

“He’s right. We’re not leaving you like this, Addy.” Adam agreed.

She curled herself up, laid on her side, and hid her face as the silent tears turned into quiet sobs. Adam and I looked to each other, powerless to do anything to help her. We didn’t know how to handle any of it, and as much as I knew Adam wanted to scoop her up and hold her just as badly as I did, we both knew it was a bad idea.

I slowly and carefully slid down the bed and laid down opposite her. She didn’t move or protest so I went a step further and grabbed her hand that was in the cast, holding it in mine.

“We’re staying right here with you, okay? Asher and Eli are on their way. They’ll be here soon,” I told her softly. She didn’t speak but she did press her fingers against my hand, which I took as her acknowledgement. Adam was perched on the bed beside her now and he was rubbing his huge hand up and down her back. He’d tucked her comforter tighter around her in a bid to warm her up, but her hand still felt icy in mine. I wished more than anything I could pick her up and cradle her to my body. I wished I could make everything better for her, but I couldn’t, and that hurt.

ADDY

As Jordan had promised, he and Adam stayed with me as I sobbed and hid from them both in the middle of my bed. I knew because Jordan was clutching my hand as Adam rubbed soothing circles over my back. It was comforting knowing they were there, and while I didn’t feel ready to hug one or both of them as I wanted to, it helped that I wasn’t alone.

The nightmare was lingering, and I could feel the pain of each lash on my back still throbbing angrily. I could still smell the leather of the restraints on my wrists, mixing with the iron scent of my own blood. Without Adam and Jordan there to ground me I knew I would have tumbled right back there.

“Addy?” Eli’s voice was like a beacon of light in the darkness and I lifted my head enough to see him striding into the room, Asher right behind him. Eli shucked off his jacket, tossing it to the floor and strode towards me. I turned and wasn’t even fully sat up before he had me in his arms and was holding me.

“I’m so sorry. We shouldn’t have left you. I’m so sorry, sweetie,” he whispered as he held me tight against him and sat on the bed.

“What happened?” Asher asked. I knew from his voice that he was close and when I glanced up he was watching me with so much concern.

“A nightmare. A really bad one,” Adam explained.

“We’ll go now, but we’ll be close if you need us, okay?” Jordan told me as he ran a hand over the top of my head. I looked up and nodded tearfully.

“Th-thank you f-for staying with me,” I told both he and Adam. They both nodded and Adam gave me a wink and a slight smile before they left the room.

As soon as they left Asher took off his own jacket and loosened the bow tie, then he was sat beside Eli, his hand gripping mine.

“Tell us what you need, little dot,” he whispered to me.

“I’m okay now…b-better with you both here,” I replied honestly. At that time no one could make me feel as safe as the two of them could, but having Adam and Jordan with me had come close.

“Do you want to talk about the nightmare?” Eli asked me, and I shook my head vigorously. No way I was ready to go back there yet.

I knew I would have to one day. I needed to find some way to let it all out so it didn’t fester within me, and Asher and Eli had both broached the topic of me seeing a trauma counsellor. I knew I would need that, but I just didn’t feel strong enough yet. I couldn’t process what was coming back to me myself. How could I be strong enough to talk it through with a stranger?

“Do you want to go back to sleep? I’ll stay with you,” Eli offered.

“We both will,” Asher added.

“No! I…I can’t. I’m scared I’ll g-go right back there when I close my eyes,” I sniffled through my tears.

”How about we go down and watch a movie? Something to take your mind elsewhere?” Asher suggested and I nodded. There was no way I wanted to go back to sleep.

“Yes please,” I agreed as I pushed back the comforter, but remained pressed against Eli. He was grounding me and I feared falling right back into that hell if he let me go.

“Let’s go. You get changed, Ash, and I’ll stay with Addy,” Eli told his brother. Asher nodded and opened the door to my room as Eli and I followed, Eli holding one arm around me tightly.

I jumped when I looked up and found Adam and Jordan outside my room, leaning against the wall opposite.

“Everything okay?” Adam asked.

“We’re going to watch a movie downstairs. I was just gonna change quickly,” Asher explained.

“You sh-should both change,” I said as I looked up to Eli. “I’m good with the guys,” I added as I looked to Adam and Jordan. I felt more comfortable with the both of them after they had been with me following my nightmare. It was stupid to have been nervous of them anyway. I knew them both enough to know my brothers treated them like family. That should have been enough for me.

“You sure?” Eli asked.

“Yeah, as long as you’re good with helping me? I’m still kinda shaky,” I admitted as I held out a violently trembling hand and looked between Adam and Jordan.

Adam nodded and held a hand out to me, which I took. I took a couple of shaky steps to his side, then I was wrapped in his huge arm and pressed against his firm side. He smelled so good, as always and I couldn’t help but push just a little closer.

“I’ve got her,” Adam told Eli.

“We’ll get snacks ready. I know where the good stuff is,” Jordan announced as he looked to me with a wink, making me smile.

Asher and Eli looked reluctant to go, but they did, walking to their rooms as Adam and I turned for the stairs. Jordan was ahead of us, racing to the kitchen to get started on snacks, apparently.

“I swear he never grew up past six years old,” Adam chuckled as he shook his head at his brother.

“He seems to like food a lot,” I noted, and Adam laughed again.

“You have no idea. He’s the reason I grocery shop three times a week.”

I found myself genuinely laughing as I leant even further into Adam. Yes, it was partly because I was exhausted and in pain, but I knew part of it was also that it felt so good to have his sheer size and strength surrounding me. How could anyone ever not feel safe with this guy at your back? The fact he was always so kind and gentle with me only added to that feeling of safety too.

“Okay, very important question now,” Jordan announced as he hurried into the living room, just as Adam and I reached the sofa. He had his hands behind his back and he was trying to hide the smile on his face, obviously taking his serious question seriously. I looked at him and couldn’t help the smirk that filled my face. He was totally adorable, stood there like an excited kid. “Rocky road, or double chocolate brownie?” he asked as he pulled two tubs of ice cream from behind his back and showed them to me.

I knew the answer he wanted, so I gave it, hoping to please him and keep that huge smile on his handsome face.

“Both,” I told him.

“Yes! I knew you were perfect, princess!” he declared excitedly as he smiled even wider, then hurried back to the kitchen.

“He’s a little crazy, huh?” I laughed as I looked up to Adam. He towered over me by almost a full foot. It was an odd feeling for someone who had always been one of the tallest girls in school.

“You get used to it,” Adam shrugged.

“He makes me smile,” I told him as the thought occurred to me. “You all do. It…it’s nice.” Even in the horror that my mind had become, being with the guys that surrounded me had made me smile more in the last week that I had in a month in my ordinary life. It felt foreign, but so very good.

“Then we’re at least doing something right,” Adam said as he helped me down onto the sofa and quickly grabbed a soft wool blanket which he wrapped around me. “Are you warm enough? I should crank the heat,” he added as he pulled his cell from his pocket. I knew they could all control the heat from an app, since Eli was always doing it when he decided I needed to be warmer.

“I’m fine,” I assured him. “The heat alone must be costing a fortune since I moved in here.”

“I think we can afford to make sure you’re warm, honey,” Adam scoffed, just as Jordan came back in with a huge tray, piled high with food.

“Jesus Jord. It’s almost midnight. We can’t eat all of that sugar,” Adam gasped, but Jordan just smiled as he started unloading everything. There were the two tubs of ice cream, along with bowls filled with candy and chocolate. There were also bags of chips and a whole mix of sodas.

“I can!” he told Adam delightedly. “And Addy here is gonna help me, right?”

“I have the chocolate covered,” I agreed as I grabbed a bowl and tucked in.

“Mi’lady,” Jordan said as he did some extravagant bow and held a can of my precious soda out for me. I wouldn’t ordinarily drink the caffeine so late, but I wanted to stay awake that night. The idea of falling asleep again terrified me.

“Thank you, kind sir,” I played along as I took the soda and opened it.

“What are we watching?” Jordan asked as he settled into the seat right beside me, so close our thighs were almost touching. I waited for the panic to come, but it didn’t.

“Don’t know. Let Addy pick,” Adam said as he handed the TV control over. “You good if I sit here?” Adam asked as he patted the seat on my other side and I nodded. As he sat I waited again for fear, but none came and I let out a sigh at the obvious fact I was coming to trust the two of them. It would make things easier for all of us if I were comfortable with everyone who lived in the house.

“What do you want to watch?” Jordan asked as he brought up a screen filled with movies on the huge TV which was opposite us.

“Something that’ll keep me awake. Maybe something action?” I suggested.

“Fuck! You really are perfect. Marry me?” Jordan joked as he batted his eyelashes at me.

“Sorry, I have firm plans to become one of those ladies who lives alone and has a million cats…or maybe dogs. Cats don’t generally like me,” I admitted with a laugh.

“I’m good with dogs,” Jordan shrugged.

“Then maybe you can visit me sometimes.”

“I like dogs too,” Adam told me, and when I turned to him, he was smiling brightly.

“Fine, you can visit too, but how am I going to be a lonely, crazy dog woman if you all keep coming to keep me company?” I teased.

“We are never going to let you be a lonely anything, Addy. You’re stuck with us now. We’re not going anywhere.” Adam leaned in and kissed the top of my head, and I knew I was blushing. That small gesture was so different when it wasn’t my brother doing it. The fact the guy who had done it was hotter than sin, wasn’t lost on me either, but I pushed the thought away. He was just being kind and I was about as far away from wanting a relationship as anyone could be.

“If you won’t marry me, you’ll just have to accept me as your friend,” Jordan told me dramatically when I looked back to him.

“I can live with that,” I nodded as I looked between them both happily. Friends. That was good. I was going to need friends in the coming weeks.

“Live with what?” Asher asked as he appeared at the foot of the stairs. Eli was right behind him. They’d both changed from their suits into shorts and t-shirts, and they looked so much more relaxed.

“I asked Addy to marry me, but she wants to be a crazy dog lady,” Jordan explained with an exaggerated sigh and an adorable pout.

“Dog lady?” Eli asked, looking confused.

“Yeah, you know like those ladies who wind up just them and their fifty or so cats? That’s what I’m planning, only I don’t like cats…o-or they don’t like me, anyway, so I’ll have dogs instead,” I explained.

“You can’t have fifty dogs. We’ll be old by then. We’ll need you to take care of us,” Eli told me with a smile.

“Jees, my dreams of dying a lonely old woman who gets eaten by her dogs sure got dashed quick,” I mused dryly.

“Damned right. Like any of us would allow that to happen,” Adam told me firmly, only making me laugh again at the fact he was taking me seriously.

“Fine! Fine! But I still can’t marry you Jordan. Sorry. It seems I’m destined for a nun like existence until I’m required to take care of my elderly brothers.”

“Good. Now that that’s all taken care of, did we pick a movie?” Asher asked as he dropped down into an armchair and sent me a smile that made me feel all warm inside. He was looking at me with what looked like pride, but I had no idea why. I’d had another meltdown after a nightmare and I was barely clinging on. I was a mess and if I were him I’d be worried about what I’d gotten myself into. Still it was a nice feeling. I knew for sure no one in my life had ever been proud of me. My own mother had made it perfectly clear I was nothing but a failure and disappointment to her.

“Addy?” I looked up and realized I’d zoned out again.

“Huh?” I looked between the four of them, not even sure who had called my name.

“Big brother was just checking I didn’t bully you into watching an action movie,” Jordan told me as he nodded to where Asher had moved forward on his chair and was looking to me with concern.

“Oh no, he didn’t. I like action, especially the cheesy eighties ones. I used to have them all on DVD,” I explained as I thought of the film collection I had amassed, all now probably thrown in the trash.

“DVD’s?” Adam laughed. “Did you even have anything to play them on? They died out a decade ago.”

“I did actually. I couldn’t afford those subscription services, but even if I could, they don’t have many of the movies I love on them. It’s all the new releases and modern stuff. That’s not my thing, except for the cooking shows,” I defended myself.

“I’m sure we could get hold of a DVD player so you could get your collection back,” Eli spoke up making me smile as he pondered the subject so seriously. “You need to make me a list and I’ll get to work on it,” he added as he looked to me.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to do that,” I told him, but he refused to take no for an answer and then they were all coming up with titles of eighties action movies, all of which Eli was making a note of on his cell.

Eventually they ran out of ideas and we settled down to watch one of the listed movies Jordan had found. I fulfilled my quota of chocolate, eating way more than I should have, along with about half a pint of ice cream which Jordan kept silently handing to me. I ended up so full that I felt ill, but the treats had been nice, almost as nice as it felt to be pressed between Adam and Jordan on the sofa.

As the snacks were abandoned about halfway through, all of us too full, I found myself leaning into Adam. I sat up hurriedly and apologized, but he just took my hand and pulled me until my head rested against his arm. He lifted it and wrapped it over the back of the sofa, so I could rest my head on his chest. It was a little awkward at first, but in minutes I had relaxed against him and sighed in contentment. He was just so warm and comfortable to rest against and it felt too good to turn down.

Ten or so minutes later, when I started to fidget my feet, to ease the tension on my ribs, Jordan grabbed my feet and pulled them into his lap. The position helped ease the discomfort a lot. I looked to him and smiled gratefully as he laid his hands on my pajama covered calf. Again, I knew it was weird, laying between them both when I barely knew them, especially after everything that had happened to me. But I felt safe and settled with them and I needed that. I needed the peace being close to them seemed to give me in my head. Their touch quietened the demons and I was too exhausted and broken to deny myself that small amount of solace.