Lost In The Dark (‘Lost’ #1)

CHAPTER 19

ADDY

It was getting dark outside by the time the doctor walked into the room and declared they had all of the test results back. In the meantime, over the last few hours I’d been taken for several other tests they had decided they wanted to carry out, including a cardiac CT.

I had tried to rest in between, as all of the guys kept on telling me to, but my anxiety was just too high in that place, with strangers coming in and out of the room. I was barely keeping it together, and as the hours passed, the guys seemed to realize that.

For the last hour I had been sat in Jordan’s lap in one of the chairs which had been brought in for the guys earlier. I was straddling his thighs, facing him and had my head rested on his chest, listening to his heart rhythm in an attempt to keep as calm as I could. It helped that he had both arms wrapped around me, making me feel secure.

Before that I had been in Adams arms, sat across his lap as he held me and kept me warm. It should have felt confusing with my feelings for them both, and for Kane – who had remained outside the room despite Asher asking him if he’d prefer to sit with us – but it didn’t because I was just too highly strung and panicked to think of anything but how safe I felt in the arms of the two hot brothers. My feelings for them were a mess, but there was no denying I was starting to feel more soothed with the pair of them than I did with Asher and Eli. I didn’t know what that meant, but I really needed it.

I sat up reluctantly at the sound of the doctor’s voice. I turned my head to face her, but I refused to move from Jordan’s hold. I had no idea what the doctor was about to reveal and I was afraid. What if something had happened to me in the last two years which had left me permanently affected? Or the other fear running through my mind – that she would say I had the same debilitating condition my mom had suffered with for so many years before she died.

“Breathe, princess. Whatever she says, you’re not alone,” Jordan whispered into my ear before placing the softest kiss right behind it. It served as a great distraction for a few seconds, little electric zings running through my skin where his lips had touched me.

When I looked up again I saw Adam watching the both of us and I instantly felt terrible. I had almost kissed him too and now he had seen Jordan kissing me in a pretty intimate way. I expected to see anger on his face, but instead he just smiled warmly, like he was happy with what he saw. That just messed me up even more. What did that mean?

“Addy?” I looked up to Eli as he said my name and realized he and Asher were both looking to me with concern.

“Huh?”

“You okay, shortcake?” Eli asked as he came closer and crouched before me.

“Just tired. Sorry,” I laughed a little and he relaxed and stood again.

“It’s fine. The doctor just wanted to talk to you, okay?” he said as he nodded to where the doctor stood in the doorway with a tablet in her hand. I nodded and looked to her.

“You got the test results back?” I asked, remembering her saying that before I had zoned out.

“We did. They have proved conclusively that what you suffered today was a heart arrhythmia,” she told me. I instantly looked to Asher to see how worried he looked, since I had no idea what that meant.

“Something’s wrong with my heart?” I panicked as Jordan gripped me tighter.

“An arrhythmia simply means your heart starts to beat out of it’s normal rhythm. In your case it slowed down and you suffered what we call bradyarrhythmia’s. Your heartbeat slowed so much that it became ineffective and not enough oxygenated blood could make its way around your body. That’s why you blacked out.”

“What was the cause though? We were just out walking,” Jordan questioned, and I wanted to know that too.

“Bradyarrhythmia can be triggered by a whole host of things. Caffeine, exercise, stress, lack of sleep. The list goes on and on,” she replied.

“So this can happen again then?” Eli asked.

“It’s possible,” the doctor nodded. “But we will be starting you on some meds, which will help.”

“And the underlying cause? Addy says this has never happened to her before? Why now?” Asher asked.

“That’s why we needed the cardiac CT. As we suspected, it showed some damage to the heart tissue. I see in your notes that you were a victim of kidnapping. Can you think of anything that happened during your captivity that could cause damage to your heart, Miss Brooks?” The doctor looked to me and tears were already filling my eyes as what she was saying hit me. My heart was damaged because of what had happened to me in the years I had lost; because of the monsters who took me, held me, and destroyed me.

“Addy doesn’t have many memories of the years she was held captive. They’re returning in pieces,” Asher stepped in.

“Hilton,” I whispered as one of the few memories I had gotten back so far played out in my mind. I gasped as I pulled myself from it, knowing I wasn’t strong enough to go back there again.

“Easy beautiful. You’re okay. I’ve got you,” Jordan soothed as he pulled me even closer against his front. I took a deep breath and looked up to the rest of the room, all of whom were waiting for me to go on.

“He…the monster who bought me…I remembered him p-putting me in a metal cage and he…he hooked clips to it. I th-think he electrocuted me…and I don’t think that was the first time. I knew wh-what was coming…I was so scared,” I explained through my tight throat. I was beginning to tremble again and I was grateful when Adam stepped closer and placed his warm hand on my back supportively.

“Why didn’t you tell us about that, sweetheart?” Asher asked as he looked to me with a pained expression.

“I t-told you what you needed…what would help the FBI. You don’t need to know the gory details. I wish I didn’t have to know them either,” I sighed as I swiped at the silent tears that fell.

“Repeated electrocution would explain the tissue damage we saw on the CT,” the doctor spoke up.

“What does that mean? Will she need a new heart?” Eli asked, and I heard the slight tremble in his voice. I was relieved when Asher went right to him and wrapped an arm over his brothers shoulders.

“No. Nothing like that. We’ll need to monitor Addy’s heart closely with regular scans, but with a healthy lifestyle, we don’t expect the damage to be an issue, other than the arrhythmias it can cause.”

“So I’ll have to live with the heart rhythm thing?” I asked. My head was pounding and, as I always seemed to be just lately, I was confused and scared.

“ Yes, but it is manageable. As I said, we’ll start you on some meds and monitor you closely with regular appointments. Lifestyle changes can help too. A heart healthy diet, cutting out caffeine and exercising regularly will all lower the risk of this happening again. Sleep is important too. Ideally you should be getting between seven and nine hours a night,” the doctor explained.

“And if this happens again? What do we do?” Adam asked.

“There are some symptoms to look out for. Dizziness and feeling short of breath are usually the first. You may feel like you’re having heart palpitations too. At the first sign of any of those, I’d advise you to come into the emergency room immediately.”

“Well that’s great,” I uttered. Being dizzy and short of breath seemed to be my new normal, since I was so weak and thin at that time. If I had to rush to the E.R. every time one of those happened, we may as well just not leave.

“I know this all sounds a little daunting, but your body has been through a lot, Addy. The stronger and healthier you get, the less this issue will affect you. In the meantime I suggest you focus on getting enough rest and eating a healthy, balanced diet. The meds I’ll give you need to be taken, with food, at regular times, so you’ll need to get into a routine.”

“We’ll help with that, Addy,” Adam assured me. I looked way up to where he stood over me and forced a smile, even though it was the last thing I felt like doing.

“Can I go home?” I asked shakily.

“Yes. I’ll arrange for a nurse to bring the meds in when they arrive, then you can go. We’ll schedule an appointment a month from now to see how you’re getting on, and for new CT scans.”

“Thank you doctor. Do you have a number I can reach you on if Addy has more questions later?” Asher asked. I tuned out as the doctor gave Asher her personal number and told him we could call at any time. Still, it was hard not to notice how much easier money made things go in that place. How many times had I sat in a noisy, overworked, hectic emergency room with my mom, trying to get just one doctor or nurse to do something to ease her pain, only to be ignored because we were nobodies?

“You still with us, baby?” I looked up and found Adam had crouched so he was right before me. He was smiling softly, but I saw the worry behind it.

“No,” I whispered. “They broke me, Adam. Those monsters actually broke me…broke my heart.” I closed my eyes to try and stem the escaping tears, but I was too slow, or there were too many tears.

“They tried, Addy, but they failed. You’re still here, still surviving, and getting stronger. I know the idea of living with this is scary, but you will, because we’ll all be here to help you, and because you’re a fighter.”

“I don’t want to fight,” I whimpered brokenly. “I just want to pull together a few of the remaining pieces of who I was and find a way to live with what they did to me.”

“You’re already doing that,” Jordan told me as he leaned in and kissed my cheek gently. “You’re finding a way to live again, remember. We’re doing it together. I’m not ready to quit before we even got started and I don’t think you are either, not deep down.”

“How am I ever gonna do that, though Jordan?” I sniffled as I looked round to him. “How can I live in the present when the past is dragging me back two steps with every single one I take?”

“I wish I had the right answer to that question, but I don’t. All I know is that you have us, and your brothers. You’re not alone. You never have to be alone again.”

“It will take time, honey. You’re fighting those demons in your head, and getting rid of them isn’t easy. Trust me, I know. But you will get rid of them, one at a time, if you just keep pushing and trying. Lean on us when you’re too tired to fight alone, but never give up Addy. I know right now you can’t see the end of this scary road you’re walking, but as long as you keep moving, you will get there, and like Jord says, you never have to take one of those steps alone. We’re all here for you, right at your side every step of the way,” Adam added.

“How are you feeling?” Asher asked as he strode up to us with Eli right at his side.

I just shook my head, too overwhelmed and emotional to put words to my thoughts. “Can we go home?” I asked instead.

“We’re just waiting for your medication, and Kane is arranging some more security to follow us home. It won’t be long,” Asher assured me.

“Do you want to lie down in the bed again?” Eli offered as he pointed to the hospital bed behind us.

“No. Jordan is keeping me warm,” I whispered as I lay my head against his chest again. “Why do we need more security? Wasn’t there other guys with Kane earlier?”

“Yes, but their shift ended hours ago. Kane is swapping them out and I asked for a few more guys too. After the scare you gave us today, I’m feeling particularly overprotective,” Asher explained as he ran a hand over my hair gently. “Just humor me please, sweetheart. Just for tonight,” he added as I met his eyes. I realized for the first time how exhausted and stressed he looked. He was looking between Eli and I when he thought we weren’t watching, and it became clear to me just how much he was worrying about the both of us. I adored how protective he was of his family. I just worried about who looked out for him, and helped him with his own demons that I occasionally saw when he relaxed and dropped his mask.

“They’re safe, brother. We all are. Take a breath,” Adam said as he stood and clamped a hand down on Asher’s shoulder. When Asher did as he said and took a deep breath, I realized I had my answer. I just hoped one day I could be strong enough to be there for him too, and Eli, just the way they’d been there for me.

Ten minutes later Eli was clutching a bag of drugs, so big it unnerved me, and we were headed home. As soon as I stepped out into the hall with Asher’s arm wrapped tightly around me, my eyes locked with Kanes. He looked me over and the look on his face for once wasn’t angry or annoyed. No, this time he looked a little panicked and worried. He also looked kind of unkempt, which as far as I knew, was very much out of character for him. He still wore his gun holster over his shirt, but the shirt was creased, and his jacket was gone. His hair was a mess too, and he looked completely exhausted and pale.

“Everything okay, boss?” he asked, clearly talking to Asher, but he didn’t take his eyes from me.

The stupid part of me that just didn’t seem to comprehend that Kane did not want me, was telling me to go to him and wrap my arms around his waist. I just wanted to feel his body pressed against mine again. I wanted to feel the calmness that had settled over me when he held me and looked into my eyes so knowingly, like he could see every dark thought and demon that dwelled there.

“It will be when we get out of this place. Are the cars outside?” Asher asked.

“Yeah. I have five guys down there too. Andy will drive Adam’s truck back if you give him the keys. The rest are with us,” Kane explained.

“Shouldn’t you be at home by now? You’ve been working for hours?” I asked, unable to stop myself, worried by just how very drained he looked.

“I’m good. I told you earlier, I go where you go,” he told me and his features seemed to soften a little as he faced me.

“Okay,” I nodded. “Well thank you, I guess…for staying with me…us.” He gave me a nod in return, then he turned away and started to lead the way down the corridor. We all fell in behind him and I didn’t miss the fact the guys who had been at the park earlier that day, were surrounding us all too.

“Still alright, little dot?” Asher asked when we got to the ground floor. I knew I was stumbling a little, just completely wiped out.

“Not really,” I answered honestly. “But I’ll be a little better when we get home.”

“Me too, sweetheart. I’ll feel a lot better when we’re all securely on our property again,” he sighed.

“You worry too much,” I told him. “Eli and I, we’ll be okay you know? You don’t always have to be the tough one.”

“I do need to be the tough one though, Addy. I know it’s messed up, but protecting the two of you, and the rest of our little family, it gives me a purpose.”

“You have way more purpose on this earth than just looking out for us all, Asher,” I pointed out as I looked up to him with concern. We were almost at the entrance of the hospital, but Asher slowed a little.

“I guess I’m just feeling a little lost right now. I always planned to serve my whole career with the military. Now I don’t have that, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with my life. The only thing I am completely sure of is that there is nothing I won’t do to protect the people I love.”

“You’re a good man, Asher Lyle,” I sighed as I snuggled tighter into his side. “And don’t worry. You’re not the only one who’s lost right now. Maybe together we can find our way a little.” I was unsure on whether I would ever be strong enough to do that, but in that moment, all I really wanted was to say something to soothe the stress and worry I saw in my brother.

“That would be good,” he agreed as we reached the entrance. He stopped and turned to check Eli, Adam, and Jordan were still behind us, then we all made our way out to the waiting cars.