Love Harder

SWITZERLAND

Switzerland came out of nowhere, which is ironic, considering the impact he was about to make.

I didn’t tell anyone about him at first because I didn’t even know what to say. But it was only three days of talking before we met. There was something about Switzerland I liked.

Perhaps it was because he made it clear early on that he didn’t play games. He went after what he wanted, and it was apparent he was a complete alpha.

I also didn’t want to waste time because he was leaving. So when he asked for my number, I gave it to him without wondering if I would wake up in a bathtub of ice with a missing kidney.

I remember one of the first things he said when he called me. “Hi, I’m Switzerland. I’m your new boyfriend.”

And it just stuck.

I called him my boyfriend, and he called me his girl.

We were two human beings who gravitated to one another. It didn’t feel as though we had met as strangers. It felt as though we had known one another forever.

I went to his house, and he showed me his setup. Switzerland was a very talented DJ. He was moving to better his career since he had accomplished everything he could here.

I admired his decision and found him to be so brave.

We spoke for a very long time until Switzerland told me we were going into his bedroom. He wasn’t presumptuous or crass; he was bossy, but in that sexy alpha sort of way that I like.

I followed, not really sure what to expect. The first time with someone is always an exciting but scary experience. Will they live up to the hype in your head? Or will they be a huge disappointment, leaving you wishing you’d stayed home instead?

However, the moment he hugged me, everything became still and safe. He appeased my heart and mind, but because of Ghost, I had my walls firmly affixed into place.

But it was hard not to soften when Switzerland cuddled me and kissed my neck. There was perhaps apprehension to his touch. I liked that.

He was tender but wild.

Bossy but kind.

Being with him was different from Ghost, so I surrendered. From the first moment we kissed, I knew he was about to change my world.

I didn’t know how or why. I just knew he made the pain go away.

He didn’t smother me.

He didn’t expect anything from me.

He just wanted to be with me. And I felt the same way about him.

We spent hours with one another. We lay together, and he told me a story in German. It was by far the cutest first date I ever had.

I liked the way he spoke. He was articulate and clever. I liked the way he smelled. Being with him felt natural. You just know when someone is your person, and Switzerland was mine.

He was tall, inked, and had the most beautiful face I had ever seen. He was incredibly expressive, something I don’t think he is aware of. His smile made me smile.

I love hand tattoos, and Switzerland’s were incredible. A tiger on one hand and a clock on the other.

The thing about Switzerland is that he was so incredibly humble. I didn’t realize how talented he was until I asked a friend who fanboyed when I told him we had kissed. He gave me the lowdown on who he was in the music world, and I suddenly liked him all the more because he never hinted at his success. I didn’t like him for his successes, however. Admired? Yes. But I liked him more because of how humble he was.

We had a second date a week later.

It was even cuter than the first.

Switzerland always made lots of eye contact with me. When engaging in conversation, he always held my attention.

There is something about a man who can hold his own.

The more time I spent with Switzerland, the more things I saw and liked. Honestly, there wasn’t one thing that I didn’t like.

He was so kind to me.

I felt comfort and affection in his presence, and when we lay together, I was at peace. The simple things with him provided me with a warmth I hadn’t felt with anyone else in a long time.

His heart was so big.

He wasn’t motivated by sex. He was the total opposite. Being the smutty romance author, I felt like I was corrupting him half the time. But it was a totally different story when we were in the bedroom.

He was a fucking beast.

The things he used to say to me? Oh my lord, I can’t even think about them without dying a little inside. They weren’t dirty talk. They were the total opposite.

He was so hot, and he didn’t even realize how much so, which just made him all the more hotter.

It was hard giving in to him, but with time came trust, and when Switzerland proved his loyalty by always sticking to his word, I let him in.

But Switzerland had his own walls firmly in place.

In this world, I’ve learned that every person does.

Most times, those walls are there because of love and love hurting them. But he still allowed me in a little—he crossed the moat to meet me but always retreated into his castle so I could never get too close.

His past shaped him into the man he was, and that man was so exceptional.

But I always felt that Switzerland held me at arm’s distance.

He never wanted me to get too close, which frustrated me. I wanted to know him, and although he shared so much, I felt he was perhaps wrestling with his head and his heart.

There was always a distance between us, and I hated the divide.

I know he was trying for us not to get attached, but my mindset was different from his. I wished for us to make as many memories as we could so when he left, we would have nothing but happy times to look back on.

He didn’t agree.

He was bossy and so damn stubborn, so I was never able to change his mind. I wish that I had because I always felt like we were both holding back. It’s the one regret I have. Not to know what could have been.

Perhaps deep down, I knew he was right. But his leaving was going to suck regardless if we spent one day a week together or every day.

But I didn’t press because I was too broken to. I didn’t want to deal with another rejection.

Although Switzerland helped me heal, my feelings for Ghost forever simmered in the background. I knew that wouldn’t be the case if Switzerland let me in. I felt I was getting pieces of him, but not enough to show me who he really was.

The pieces he did share with me, I liked a lot.

But how can you fall in love with half a person?

You can’t.

Switzerland was holding back, and although I understood it, it was hard to give him all of me for that exact reason.

We were exclusive during our time together because I didn’t want anyone other than him. He was the one who laid down the “rules,” but I liked that he felt content with what we shared.

We went on cute dates. We hung out in my room watching TV. We kissed. We laughed—we laughed, a lot. He bought me roses just because. And we had a lot of mind-blowing sex. We did all the things a normal couple does, but we weren’t normal or a couple because the inevitable always lingered.

He was leaving, and I would be left to deal with the aftermath.

The person left behind is reminded of the memories made, while the person who leaves is ready to make new memories in a new place and with someone else.

This was constantly playing over and over in my mind—the mind of the overthinker, remember? I wanted to pretend his leaving wouldn’t hurt, but I knew it would.

So I distanced myself as best I could.

I never sought out the comfort of other men because I didn’t want anyone else, but I distracted myself with work and friends.

But the sadness returned. Or I guess it never left.

It just lessened when I was with Switzerland.

I saw Switzerland every week from the first moment we met until the day he left. He will always be my biggest regret in life because I will never know what we could have been.

But deep down, I know that we could have been exceptional.

I wanted to explain who Switzerland is because a month before he was leaving, it was as if the universe sensed I was slowly relearning how to trust again because it threw me a motherfucking curveball that destroyed me once more.

Switzerland slowly retreated. Day by day, the messages became less frequent, and the time between each response seemed to get longer and longer. I was watching him leave me in slow motion, and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.

When we saw one another, it was good. So good, in fact, but when he was gone, it was as if I imagined the whole thing because he just wouldn’t exist in my world.

It was hard to accept because when together, he would say things that made me think he was just as attached as I was becoming. But when I say he is stubborn, I mean he is the MOST stubborn man I have ever met.

He knew what he wanted, and that was to further his career in another country far, far away.

He never made a secret of the fact. But I guess I hoped he would recognize the connection we shared as something worth making a sacrifice for.

But it seemed those walls he had erected around himself were higher than I thought.

He still sent me polite messages because that’s the type of man Switzerland was. He would never ghost, but he ensured I knew this wasn’t a serious thing for him. He would get on that plane in a month and never look back.

I wish I was stronger to end things then and there or not start anything in the first place, but my history has proven I don’t make the smartest choices when it comes to men.

Switzerland’s distance began to hurt, and the feelings of emptiness grew once more. Like I said, they never went away but merely dimmed when I was with Switzerland. He never told me what was wrong, only that he has walls behind walls to protect himself.

Those walls were lowered when we kissed. Or when we lay in silence, in one another’s arms. But as D-Day approached, I felt as though his walls were reerected and reinforced.

I didn’t stand a chance.

Switzerland was always a battle I was destined to lose.

I was tired, so tired of fighting. How much can a person take before they just switch off and become numb to it all?

I was trying my best to accept Switzerland’s departure, but it hurt a lot. I tried not to get attached, but I clearly am a romantic at heart. Switzerland, however, he was just moving forward with his life, and it was apparent that I was no longer his girl.

I was trying to focus on anything other than my heart being broken—again, when an author friend of mine gave me a call.

He had a proposition for me.

He was writing a book and wanted me to be on the cover.

I was honored and totally flattered.

He went into detail that he had found the perfect male lead to pose alongside me. He asked him, and the guy semi-agreed. However, he was self-conscious and doubted he was book cover material, but Zuko saw potential in him.

I asked what he looked like, and I should have known that the universe wasn’t done with me. Lesson number…I’ve lost count: when the universe talks to you, listen.

My friend, Zuko, detailed a gorgeous man he had seen working at a fitness center—the same place where Ghost worked. He had dark hair with some gray throughout. A scar in his left eyebrow. He was tall, muscled, and smelled like heaven.

My heart began to race.

I asked what else.

He went into detail that he had a tattoo on his hand which extended up his wrist. Oh, and a nose ring. And in case there was any confusion, his name was Ghost.

I didn’t know if this was a good or bad thing. I mean, this was my chance to get the answers I had desperately sought for months.

But did I really want to go back there?

I was in no way healed from what happened with Ghost, but I couldn’t deny this as a sign from the heavens. I’m a big believer in signs. There are no such things as coincidences, and this right here was a sign that it was time to take back what was stolen from me.

Zuko said he may have accidentally on purpose showed Ghost a photo of me.

I frantically asked what Ghost did when he saw my photo, and Zuko said he stared at the picture for a good twenty seconds before saying he would think about the shoot.

And that was it.

As anticlimactic as it is, Zuko said there was no recognition on Ghost’s face.

Zuko picked up on my panic, and I told him that I thought I knew who Ghost was. I briefly told him our history and asked if he was sure Ghost didn’t recognize me.

He said he simply looked at the photo for a very long time.

Had he forgotten me already? Was I that insignificant to him that he had forgotten I existed?

There was no way I could let this go because this was the opportunity every ghostee wishes for—to get answers and ask the profound question:

Why?

Most women would let it go and move on, but I couldn’t. This was a massive sign, and I needed to act on it, and fast.

So I made a decision for me.

I made a decision for every ghostee out there—I was going to face my ghoster and take the power back.

If my story could help others, then I would push aside my fears and do it.

And I did.

I told Zuko that I would come with him and confront Ghost the next time he went to the gym.

And this right here was me taking the power back.

I lost count of how many times I questioned my decision.

What would it achieve?

We had something incredible, but it ended…no sequel.

But it never was the end for me. Ghost never gave me closure. All he did was leave—period.

I was left with this emptiness I could never fill, and I hated it. I was raised to never quit and to always stand up for myself. So even though the thought of seeing Ghost again terrified me, this was happening.

I needed to know if what he said, if what he felt, was real. I needed to know that for this small moment in time, things were how they were supposed to be.

I don’t know why I needed validation. Perhaps I didn’t want to be played a fool. I don’t know. All I knew was that I needed to see Ghost and ask him what happened.

I spoke to a few friends about it, and honestly, they were split right down the middle. Some said to confront him, while others asked what I hoped to achieve.

His silence was all the answer I needed.

And they were right.

But my pride wouldn’t allow me to let it go.

What right did he have to end things the way he did? I was worth a lot more than being ignored. No, this was happening, and this was happening now.

I knew what this would do to me because this wouldn’t end in a happy reunion. But it would give me answers, and I could only hope it would help me move on.

I am stubborn and tenacious, and I NEVER give up, which is why when Zuko said he was going into the gym in two weeks to talk to Ghost, I said I was going too.

I had two weeks to prepare, but this wasn’t a conversation I could prep for. I knew the moment I saw Ghost, I would know.

I would know if what he felt was real. Or if he was playing me the entire time.

Switzerland was in and out of the picture; more out than in, I guess. My friends told me numerous times to just end it, but I couldn’t. I liked him more than I should. There wasn’t a precise moment when it turned, but I think I just liked him the entire time.

But his silence did hurt.

The lag between replies was answer enough because when a man wants a woman, the woman, she knows. But when a man takes hours to reply when you know he is replying to others, then it’s usually time for a woman to walk away with her pride intact.

But liking someone makes you do some crazy things…

So I just accepted him floating in and out; one foot in, one foot out because soon, both feet would be far, far away as Switzerland wouldn’t be here anymore.

However, seeing him was a nice distraction. He was always kind to me, and I needed that kindness because I knew that seeing Ghost may be far from nice.

I hadn’t told Switzerland about Ghost. I don’t know why. I honestly didn’t think he’d care. He never suspected, or perhaps he did, and he trusted me. But being with him gave me the confidence in myself and also, that good men did exist…and Ghost was not one of them.

Ghost essentially love bombed me, fucked me, and then he left.

There is no other way around it. Regardless of the circumstances he faced, that is what he did. And that is why there was no fucking way he was getting away with it. I was in a position to right the wrongs of something that was out of my control. I wanted answers.

The more people I spoke to, the more common this practice of ghosting seemed to be. It seemed everyone had their own Ghost, and that really pissed me off.

Suddenly, I wasn’t just doing this for myself; I was doing it for every person who was me. And that gave me the confidence to don my reddest lipstick and kick-ass pumps and walk into that gym like the queen that I fucking am.

The day came, and I was nervous. But I quashed my fears and remembered who I was—I was someone not to be fucked with.

Zuko texted when he was on the way to the gym, and I said I would meet him there a few minutes after. As much as I wanted Ghost to feel the same anguish I did when he left without a word, I asked Zuko to give him the heads-up that I was on the way. If he didn’t want to see me, then I would respect his wishes.

This wasn’t a surprise attack.

I wanted to give him the opportunity to decline seeing me even though he didn’t deserve it.

I arrived at the gym and waited in the car.

I gave myself a pep talk.

I could do this.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and suddenly, I saw something I was damn proud of—I saw strength.

I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. Doing this took balls, so I walked into that gym with nothing but confidence in every step when Zuko gave me the green light.

There was a huge window I had to walk in front of, and I strutted my shit (think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman; “Big mistake! Big! Huge!”) because I realized I did nothing wrong here. Ghost was the one at fault. The ghoster usually is.

So I opened the door with poise and grace, and when our eyes locked…I realized that everything was going to be all right.

Months of torment and tears all led to this moment, and it was my time to get the answers I deserved.

He looked so damn hot. I hated him. My feelings for him hadn’t shifted an inch. If anything, seeing him made me realize how hard I had fallen. But I didn’t let it show.

I smiled.

He smiled.

Nothing else existed but this.

“How are you?” he asked, still smiling.

“Good,” I replied, willing my heart to calm down. “I thought it was you.”

Ghost nodded, those inquisitive eyes watching my every move.

“Apparently, we’re doing a photo shoot together? How do you feel about that?”

I didn’t have time to skim around the edges. I needed to do this before my bravado died.

Ghost paused, appearing to weigh over my question. “I don’t know how I feel about being on display for everyone to see. Self-confidence issues and all.”

He spoke about that often when we were together. So I knew he was legit. But he didn’t care about my self-confidence when he slammed the door in my face without a goodbye.

“How are we supposed to do a cover, considering you’re not talking to me?”

He got it—loud and clear.

“We need to talk.”

I replied with a stiff-upper-lip smile.

I was battling my emotions—I should be angry with him, and my head was, but my heart, that traitorous sentimental little bish…

His staff watched on intently as it was clear that something was still between us, and it was sure to burn anyone alive who stood by and watched.

He appeared nervous.

I wish that made me feel better.

It didn’t.

It made me want to hug him.

But I slapped my own ass and said, “I can go.”

“No!” He raised his voice, panicked as he froze to the spot. “Don’t go.”

Even Zuko arched a brow, surprised by Ghost’s response to me leaving.

“I meant, I can come back. I don’t want to encroach on your workspace,” I clarified, secretly content he didn’t want me to go.

Ghost shook his head. “Wait for me there.”

He pointed at a table and chairs off to the side, away from the foyer and prying ears and eyes.

Zuko and I took a seat, and Zuko was looking at me with a what-the-fuck look plastered all over his face. Regardless, he had my back. I didn’t tell him much, but he knew something was between us. I guess he didn’t realize how much so until he saw us together.

Ghost came over and sat off to the side in front of me.

Zuko was to my right.

All I could smell was Ghost and his signature fragrance. It brought back memories which I wish would get amnesia and fuck right off.

Ghost was staring at me openly.

And I purposely ignored him.

Zuko took the floor and detailed what he needed for the shoot.

For the entire time, Ghost looked at me. He was still that alpha, which drove me wild. I watched him from my peripheral vision but gave him nothing.

But inside? Fuck me, inside, I was dying.

“Do either of you have a partner who would object to the shoot?” Zuko asked, catching me off guard.

I looked at Ghost.

He was to take the lead.

And when he nodded firmly, I got the answer I finally deserved.

“It won’t be an issue for me,” I replied softly, unable to process that Ghost was with someone else.

Yes, I had moved on too, but ouch, this fucking stung.

Zuko excused himself as he knew we had much to discuss.

I turned to look at Ghost.

It was just him and me.