Love Harder

GHOST.3

I had messaged him before I went to sleep that he was hard to read, which he was. My overthinking brain began to tick over the moment he left. I wish it would stop. But something so perfect can’t be real. History has proven this.

You’re so welcome. Hope you have a beautiful birthday I may be a little crippled, but well worth it and please don’t be sorry! I guess it’s always different seeing someone in person as opposed to messaging and if those feelings reflect into real life. It’s always different for me. Wanted to know how you feel, I guess?

I didn’t hear from him until after work. It touched me that he always messaged the moment he finished.

My day has been really great, not as depressing as I thought it would be. I’m sorry you’re sore haha, but I definitely did warn you it’d be like that. I feel okay, sweetness, like you’re beautiful and have one of the purest souls I’ve ever encountered. If I seem distant, it’s only because I haven’t really been with anyone else, and I think the fact that I’m still in the process of healing from my past means I can become stuck in my head a bit. Like you’re perfect in every way, I am just adjusting to the fact I’m not with that said person.

Thank you for being honest.

You’re so emotive and expressive.

It’s beautiful to read.

You’re not distant.

Just hard to read, I guess.

But that’s so okay I too get in my head, and I like you…a lot, and I’m scared.

We’re both healing, it seems, but I want you to know I would never hurt you.

I will always respect your decisions.

I just ask, if you’re comfortable doing so, that you tell me what you’re thinking ’cause I overthink, and for the past two years, I’ve been mentally destroyed.

So I don’t want to assume anything.

Prefer to ask you if I’m curious.

And vice versa.

And on a side note, I never want any pressure.

Things are easy between us.

And I really love that.

That’s why I overthink because you are everything that I want.

And in regard to healing, sometimes we just learn to deal with the loss and start over, I guess, but never really get over it.

But we learn from it and appreciate it for what it was and grow from it.

That’s how I see things with my past because it’s the past, and that’s where I want it to remain.

Although it still hurts sometimes, I remember why I left and who I am now, and how much happier I am.

Then the pain lessens, and I appreciate who I am now and how that person is happier because of those life lessons. You have to experience the darkness to appreciate the light, and you and your cute teeth are my light x

I think it’s important to be expressive, though I have a hard time doing it, especially when it’s in my head, like I can be bubbly and full of laughter or completely quiet and in deep thought the next moment.

I spend a lot of time running through scenarios. I didn’t think it’d take me this long to try to heal from it, and yes, like you, I am scared too. My relationship was a third of my life, and sometimes it hurts that I do not have that relationship with that person. I’m still accepting things.

Our texts grew so intense, and it soon became our norm. This was how we conversed, and I loved it. But I worried all the talk of the past might taint what we have.

I’ve been thinking about the above, and I don’t want our pasts to taint anything between us. How about we focus on the future and not the past? Let’s make happy, fun memories together involving cute animals and you slapping my butt?

He of course put my mind at ease with his beautiful words and heart.

Your words really do touch my soul, and I definitely needed to hear it. I always try to focus on the future and strive toward something. Regardless of the weight of my past. We are both victims of troubled relationships, and I envy your outlook on life. It’s so beautiful and motivational. I can only hope mine is as strong-willed as yours. I am trying, though! Nothing but the future…no past, just present day and what comes beyond. Cute animals? Butt slapping? Darling, you already got me intertwined.

I was blinded by his words, but the signs were there—I just didn’t want to see them. I wanted to believe he would heal and we could do that together. But the cracks were starting to show.

I was Ghost’s first relationship after his marriage ended. This wouldn’t end well.

Yet I stuck in there because I wanted him. I meant every word I said to him.

One night, I asked him a simple question: What’s the catch? Because he was too good to be true.

That just might be my objective here—to put you in your place. Young guy destroys successful book author. I like that a lot. Hahaha, there’s no catch. I’m just trying to find my person, and you, miss, are ticking quite a lot of boxes. You’re gorgeous, small, ambitious, confident, and funny. I love all those qualities. I like the energy you give off. Mine is slowly feeding on it. It’s getting its taste.

I didn’t know what to say. Ghost left me speechless. But I tried to express how I felt.

For an author, I really suck when trying to find the right words to reply to you at times. You leave me breathless in every single way. And you’ve thrown me on my ass—both literally and figuratively I wasn’t looking for you, but here you are, making me think about you more than I should. You’re incredibly special, and I am so hooked on you Yes, you’re an amazing kisser and so damn hot, but that is a small part of what I look for. It’s all the other things I am hooked on which kill me. I’m not sure what it all means…as I’m not sure what you’re looking for in terms of what you’re looking for in me. But I never want any pressure between us. Ever x Have an amazing night. Be safe. And only if you wanted, please slap any girl who touches you from me I miss you. I miss your mouth xx

And his reply, his reply was by far the most heartfelt anyone, ANYONE had ever sent me.

You’re so beautiful and kind…I love the way you talk to me. It’s so mature and sexy. I feel glad that I can leave you speechless. I literally just try to be myself always. Be hooked on me because I’m hooked on you. I want to fuck you into submission and cuddle you back to health. I’m not sure what it all means either, but we’ve clearly met each other for a reason. Only time can tell us. But what I do know is that I’m insane about you. I can’t stop thinking about you either, and I want nothing more than to just be inside you, looking deep into your eyes.

I needed to include these so you can see what I was dealing with and why I fell so hard for him.

I know some have said he love bombed me. Or that he was a narcissist, and perhaps he was. But these words touched me so profoundly at the time, and I believed every single word.

These excerpts were merely a drop in the ocean of the messages we exchanged. He wrote paragraphs filled with his feelings and emotions; you couldn’t fake that. Well, at least I liked to believe he didn’t.

Ghost was becoming my heart, and all I wanted was to be his.

The inevitable has arrived.

We all knew it was coming.

I still don’t understand it, but you’ve stuck with me, so you deserve to know how it all ended.

It happened over a week or so. I really can’t remember. But there was a shift. Slight at first, but it was there.

Reading back over his messages, I see him retreating. It breaks me to read them because I can’t help but wonder what I could have done differently.

What’s between us is so raw and so beautifully innate. Having this kind of connection is so rare, and I don’t want to let that go unexplored. I accept you for you because I want you—the good. The bad. All of it. You’ve said you want to protect me. Well, I want to protect you too. Let me be your strength on the days when yours may be lost. I will never stand in the way of your dreams and career. I will always support you because I want you to be happy. I’m sorry I get in my head. It’s something I’m trying to work on. I sometimes need reassurance. Thank you for not running away. If I run away, please chase me. You really are my Superman

You’re so beautiful and sweet. Not to mention sexy and hot. Like you can really fuel a fire in me that burns, and I just want to explode. Your words mean so much to me. I love that you are willing to accept all of me, the baggage weighing me down, my work ethic, my ambition. That means more than you’ll ever know. Sometimes one just longs to be understood and accepted. You can be absolutely everything, and I’ll be the same for you.

Although his messages were still heartfelt, I went from receiving endless messages from Ghost to maybe one or two a day.

I wanted to believe he was busy with work, but something was happening in the background—I just didn’t know what.

Months since we first started talking, he didn’t text me all day, which wasn’t like him at all as he’d made an effort to message me every day since we first connected.

I sent a photo of myself blowing a kiss with the caption: Just wanted to make sure you’re okay?

Good morning! First things first, you’re so stunning I can’t fathom it. I hope you slept well. I’m okay. I had a bad day yesterday as I had to fire two people, and it just carried on outside of work too. It really depleted me and put me in a bad mood. Work life to personal life balance is way off atm. Only because I’m juggling a little too much than I can handle, I think. I’m not sure when I’ll see you next. I need to get some replacements ASAP.

My heart and brain went into overdrive, but I needed to calm the fuck down. This was Ghost. The man who’d stuck with me for months. No way was he having a change of heart.

Hell to the fuck no!

Oh, that sucks. I’m so sorry your happiness comes first. You can’t help others if you’re burned out. I meant what I said—I’m here for the good and the bad. I know you’re not always going to be happy. But neither am I. I’m here to hug you and listen to you. I’m a really good listener. I’d rather that than not talking or seeing you at all. I miss you. I miss your mouth. I also miss your smile when you look down at me in bed ’cause those teeth. Do you realize you do that? Sending so many kisses x

I needed him to see his worth as I could sense his depression was creeping in, and he shared that when that happens, he retreats.

You’re so sweet and beautiful. That’s such a beautiful message and so reassuring. You’re wayyyy too kind for this world. It certainly doesn’t deserve you. Thank you for saying my happiness matters. It’s something I definitely struggle with a lot. I miss you too, gorgeous. Miss absolutely everything about you. Miss the way you kiss me. You actually think my teeth are cute? They’re always something I’ve been self-conscious of, but I’m learning to love them because of you. Thank you for sending me kisses. I’m sending twice as many back and many, many dirty thoughts to you.

Things seemed okay, right?

But they weren’t.

These are the last messages ever exchanged between Ghost and me. Should I have known they were, I would have said so much more.

Why do you struggle with your happiness? Well, we’re going to change that. What’s one thing that makes you happy? I don’t care how trivial it is. We’re going to do that together. Think on it and tell me and let’s do it And your teeth are FUCKING ADORABLE!

I haven’t been a happy guy in a long, long time. I just find it hard to find joy in things. It possibly has to do with being underserving. I think about how lucky some people are to have everything handed to them, yet I work, work, work, but I’m only getting so far. I know it’s stupid because I should be grateful I’m alive, which I am. I just wish there wasn’t so much struggle. I hope you’re having the best day ever. You truly deserve it, you sexy fucking minx.

This was the first time he expressed his unhappiness with his life. I thought he was happier than he was, but I was wrong. The signs were there. I just didn’t want to accept them.

It’s not stupid at all. Your feelings are never stupid. Don’t disregard your successes. Look at what you’ve achieved instead of what you haven’t. You’ve got goals and aspirations, and all good things take time. I hate that you’re not happy. It makes my heart sad ’cause I wanna change that What can I do? You say you find it hard to find joy in things…how about we try something totally different? What’s something that’ll make you happy? I’m going to brainstorm ideas all day now… I’m going overseas for work soon. Wanna come? X

I really fucking tried. I’ve not read over these messages since they were sent. But if it helps me, if it perhaps helps you heal, then here we go…the final message Ghost ever sent to me. Read it and decide if I was wrong in being totally confused why he disappeared off the face of the earth after sending me this…

Gosh, you’re so amazing…I really fucking love this…you make me feel like I’m not stupid and make me have hope for myself. By being yourself, you make me happy. I love people who just be true to themselves. Because I try to be true to myself. Next week, yes, I’m coming over to do some more damage to you Your words actually floor me. I hope you know that…like honestly! I’m trying to be the person the world needs. I’m glad I can keep you on your toes, you sexy fucking minx. It’s not me if I don’t make you tiptoe just a little bit. The only place I want to travel with you is in your soul. I want us to merge and travel the universe in our eyes.

The end…

What a cliffhanger, right?

But this is real life. This is the ending I was given and expected to fill in the blanks.

After that message, I wasn’t expecting to be ghosted, but I was.

But this isn’t how my story ends…

I sent this in response:

You kill me. You fucking kill me. That last paragraph, tho… Can you get any hotter? Fml You’re working toward something. Don’t ever forget that. Things may be hard, but you’re focused on what you want. You’re so driven. Good things will come. Don’t let your past or insecurities taint it. You’re paving the path for your future, and I’m here to hold your hand I want you to stop and think about all your accomplishments. Think of everything you’ve been through and how you’ve never given up. You want more. And you’re fighting for more. That’s fucking incredible. So don’t ever sell yourself short. I’m here to cheer you on and always support you because I think you’re beyond amazing. You do more than keep me on my toes. You kill me in every single way. Mind. Body. Soul. I’m so excited to see you next week. Lame, right?

I’ve not read this message until now because I was too scared to. I thought I had said the wrong thing because Ghost opened this message and did what he NEVER did…he left me on read.

I didn’t understand, so I sent another message the day after.

You usually always reply. Have I said too much? Are you okay? x

Nothing.

Nada.

My friends assured me it would be okay. That perhaps the pressures from work were too much, and he needed time, so I left it. I did everything I could to distract myself, but the silence was so deafening that I couldn’t think.

I sent him a video saying I hoped he was okay.

He never opened it.

I sent him another message a couple of days later.

Beautiful boy, I’m worried about you. If you don’t wanna talk anymore, or your feelings have changed, then I accept that and will leave you be. I never want any pressure between us, but please don’t go silent on me. This doesn’t seem like you. Are you okay?

Crickets…

By this stage, I was experiencing all the stages of loss. Grief. Anger. Confusion. I was hooked on the most potent drug—love—and it was ripped away from me, and now, now I was jonesing. I was desperate for my next fix because my heart and pride couldn’t stand being ignored.

So I sent another message.

I’m here, and not going anywhere unless you want me to. I hope you’re okay. I miss you x

Nothing…

Over a week had passed and Ghost was just that. My heart was broken. But I couldn’t give up.

Hi. Here’s your daily reminder that you’re incredible and that I want to hug and kiss you. I’m here, and I still stand by everything I’ve said to you. I hope you’re okay. I miss you x

I may as well have screamed into an abyss because my texts were delivered but never read.

I don’t know how many tears I cried over him. I just know the pain is just as raw. I was worried he had done something awful, that perhaps his depression had conquered him in the worst possible way.

But now, I see that Ghost was a selfish motherfucker who could have answered ANY of these messages. But he chose to ignore me. And now that I can see that, I’m angry at myself for chasing him when he didn’t deserve a second thought.

Bunny also reached out because she was worried. She too was ignored.

This was bad. So bad that the hole in my chest grew every single day. Ghost leaving ripped open a wound far bigger than the one he helped heal because I was angry with myself for letting him in.

How could I have been so stupid?

There was no activity on his socials, and I was worried. I thought perhaps he was in his cave recharging his batteries just as he said he did at times, so I waited…for weeks.

Those weeks, I ran the most I’ve ever run in my entire life. It was all I could do to make myself feel remotely better. The more pain I was in, the better I felt. The pain made me feel something other than being numb. It felt as though I was running away from my problems, but no matter how far I ran, they always caught up to me.

I was broken once again, but this time, I didn’t think I would heal. And truth be told, I still haven’t healed.

I often wonder when this sadness will go away. It only seems to grow. Each time I open my heart up and love, I leave a piece of myself with the one who breaks me. Now, I feel like I’ll never heal. I’m just learning to live with all these missing pieces because I refuse to give up.

I’m too stubborn to.

I don’t know why I keep going back to love. As a child, we learn not to touch something hot or it’ll burn. Why, as an adult, do we keep going back to the one thing that burns us over and over again?

No matter how many times I tell myself this is the last time, I find myself in the same predicament, clearly a glutton for punishment. I suppose the high I get from being “in love”

is the reason I don’t learn. Or maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic wishing to believe it’s different this time.

Love has given, but it’s also taken so much.

When will it stop? When will I find that person who will love me as much as I love them? I have love to give…but no one to give it to.

Then something happened…he viewed a story.

When I saw his name, I had to sit down. That was how badly he affected me. He didn’t make contact, but he was alive. That’s all I cared about.

There was silence for another week.

I didn’t reach out. I couldn’t. I needed to give him time because I didn’t know what he experienced. So again, I waited…the most impatient person waiting for the man she wanted to come back to her and explain what went wrong.

What a fucking fool I was.

A week later, he viewed another story.

The same thing happened the next day.

And the day after that.

Yet no contact. He was watching me from afar. Tormenting me with his fucking screen name. I was a mess. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t think. I simply waited for Ghost to return.

But he never did.

He chose to be a fucking coward instead when he unfollowed me on my socials and removed me as a friend.

I am not a social media fan, but this one, this stung.

What did I do?

All I did was show him love, and in return, he ignored me for weeks, then spied on me, only to unfollow me.

I was hurt.

I cried.

But most of all…I was fucking pissed.

So with my head held high, I sent him one final message.

You promised you’re not the type of guy who sleeps with a girl and then leaves. You promised you’d treat me right ’cause you saw the way your dad treated your mom. You said you’d be my Superman. I am who I said I was. And I thought you were real. But I don’t know what happened between us. Regardless, I hope you find happiness. You deserve it x

I didn’t feel a thing. I was utterly numb.

A day later, he blocked me. But I didn’t care because, guess what, you can block someone in real life—it’s called boundaries.

I didn’t know what to do.

I mourned, I guess.

I spoke to Bunny, Angel, and M?tley—my ride or dies who never once told me to shut up. They listened to me for HOURS upon HOURS. They never said I was better off. Or that I needed to move on. They let me talk and listened because that’s what friends do.

I was lost, and well, I did some reckless things.

I am all for living in the moment, so I don’t regret a thing. But when hurt, I hide. I don’t deal with my emotions because who the fuck wants to deal with those. I built a fortress around myself and watched my kingdom burn to the ground by my own hand.

It was ugly, but I just wanted to feel something other than pain. I wanted to fill the void he left behind, but nothing helped.

I wanted to send him so many texts. It took all my willpower not to go to his work because that would not have achieved anything.

Ghost made his choice, and that choice wasn’t me.

Like Bunny said, unless he lost his vision and his fingers got severed, there’s no excuse for him not to text or call. He chose that option. He chose to ignore me when he knew it would hurt me.

But he didn’t care.

I wish I didn’t, but I did.

I looked for him in other men, but no one could compare. I was broken, so damn broken, I didn’t know how to be unbroken.

I hated it.

I was taught to be strong.

I was raised to never quit.

But so many days, I wanted to give up.

All love did was hurt me. But I guess I hurt myself by choosing the men that I do.

But Ghost was different, wasn’t he?

You’ve read his messages. Would you have seen through his lies?

But I couldn’t believe he was lying. It couldn’t have not been real. Of course, he felt everything he said he did, right?

Wrong…

His actions proved who he was. He was a coward. He would rather hide in the shadows than live in the light because he was scared.

I was faced with endless possibilities, and this is why ghosting is a horrible thing to do to another human being in the dating world.

Being a ghostee, I can highly say I do not recommend.

I felt like a ghost; barely here nor there. Perhaps the term coined for such an event is an appropriate one after all.

I invested so much time and energy into someone who thought it was okay to stop talking just because. He wasn’t worth it, I knew that, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. The more I tried, the angrier and sadder I became.

My emotions were like a yo-yo because I literally could change in a breath. Or feel both at the same time. I was fighting with myself, with my mind. I felt like I was going insane. To take that power away from someone is cruel. Not to mention, that’s just weak.

But I didn’t want to believe he wasn’t who he said he was because, what did that say about me? I needed to forget him, but I couldn’t.

He haunted my waking hours, and when I tried to sleep, he became my nightmare. I couldn’t escape him. I was helpless to my mind, which wouldn’t rest until I was driven insane.

I sank to my lowest point and fell into a darkness which I never thought I’d ever pull myself from. Those were scary times.

But then, something happened, something which I like to believe was the universe talking to me…and making sure I listened this time.

I wasn’t looking, but he found me.

And his name—his name was Switzerland.

I knew I couldn’t keep him, but he stayed with me for as long as he could.

He too was guarded because he was leaving me in nine weeks to live in another country—forever.

Like forever, forever.

This was another heartbreak in the works, but I don’t do easy. But the thing with Switzerland is that he was. If he wasn’t leaving, I would have kept him as my always because he was kind but bossy, talented, determined, strong, and HOT. And unlike any man I have ever been with before, he was real.

Writing about him is bittersweet because I always wonder what could have eventuated between us. But he was the sensible one, the one who drew the line and said we should limit how much we saw one another to save ourselves the heartache when he left.

He was right, but it didn’t mean it didn’t suck.

So, I lowered my walls and opened my heart, and although broken, I let Switzerland in. And you know what happened?

I was happy for a little while.

Even though our time always came with an expiration date, I made the most of this unique connection with an extraordinary man who caught me off guard. I had bursts of happiness when I was with Switzerland. He made things…normal.

And I felt safe in his arms.

Ghost was becoming a distant memory, right?

Well, almost, but you didn’t think this would end in a happily ever after, did you?

There was no way Ghost was getting away with ghosting me. The longer I thought about it, the more unsettled I grew. And that grew and grew. It festered and festered like a cystic pimple until one day…

PLOT TWIST.

Ghost wasn’t a ghost anymore…