Love in Slow Motion

13. Quinn

13 QUINN

4 Years Ago

“Miss Porter, I’m so sorry to have to ask this, but someone will have to come down to identify the body.”

I try to open my mouth to respond, but I can’t. It’s like I’m choking, like something thick and hard is caught in my throat. I suck in a breath but end up coughing instead.

“Miss Porter, I understand this is a very difficult time. Why don’t I give you a moment to settle things with your family? I’ll call you back in the morning.”

I nod, even though the man on the other end of the line can’t see me.

But he clearly understands because he simply says, “Goodnight, Miss Porter.”

I set the phone on the table and am finally able to gulp in a full breath. Settle things with your family…

What is there to settle? There’s a reason they called me. There’s a reason I have to be the one to drive back to Minnesota to identify my mother’s body after they fished her out of Lake Michigan.

I have to be the one to do it because all of my other siblings are gone. Every single one of them, as soon as they graduated, left town and never looked back. And it’s not like I can blame them. But what about me? What about Mom? It’s not her fault Dad left, and it’s not her fault we were made out to be circus freaks in town just because my parents weren’t terribly strict on the birth control.

There goes another Porter kid. How many is that, fifteen?

And in the end, for the last few years since Mindy moved out, it’s been Mom and me. Yes, I picked up and moved away, too, but I didn’t abandon her. I didn’t stop answering her calls or stop coming to visit the way everyone else did.

They said they arrested her boyfriend. They said she was dead before she went into the lake.

That he most likely killed her.

I sob into my hands, wet tears spilling all over my little kitchen table, the one I eat breakfast at every morning with Chase. I wish he was here now. I can’t believe I’m at home alone with this news, sitting on the table in front of me while the world keeps turning.

Once I’ve cried so much that I start to feel sick, I pick my phone back up. I have to call someone. I have to let someone know. One of my siblings. All of my siblings. My father.

I don’t want to call any of them. Not yet. I don’t think I can bring myself to talk about it until the identification is over. Maybe I’ll feel like I can talk to all of those people once I’ve seen her with my own eyes. Once it really feels real. But until then…

I scroll to Chase’s name in my phone. It doesn’t even actually say Chase . It says boyfriend . I thought it was cute at the time, but looking at it now, I don’t know. It makes my heart race, and not in a romantic way. It’s sort of making me panic, like the walls of this apartment that we share together are getting closer and closer. I can’t breathe.

I scroll past boyfriend to Brooke . But I can’t. It’s the day after Christmas. I can’t do that to her. She’s staying with her family this week, and even though I know she’ll be mad at me when this over, mad that I didn’t call her immediately just to spare her feelings, I scroll by her name too, a sob rising up in my chest when I realize I don’t have anyone to call. Anyone I want to call.

I don’t have to call anyone right now. I can deal with this on my own. Chase will be home from his night out with his brother soon anyway.

My eyes land on my phone screen again. I scroll to the bottom of my contacts list, where Reed’s name is listed. I don’t even know why I have his phone number. It’s one of those things that just happens. You end up in a group chat with someone, or you decide you’re all going to meet up at the same restaurant, and suddenly, you have someone’s number that you never speak to, “just in case.”

I stare at his name. I can’t even put words to what’s going on in my head. It’s just this knowing that Reed will know the right things to say. There are just those people, the ones that make you feel…safe. That give off this vibe like they would stand between you and anything that tried to hurt you. Like maybe you could hide yourself away in them. That’s what Reed is like.

And it’s inappropriate for me to even be thinking about him that way. Who the hell has thoughts like that about their boyfriend’s brother and not their actual fucking boyfriend?

And yet, here I am, still considering it. Still wondering, what’s the worst that could happen if I call Reed? If I listen to the sound of his soothing voice, just for a second, until my heart stops hammering and my hands stop trembling.

Without another thought, I select his name, and the screen changes, showing me that it’s calling him. I put my phone to my ear, listen to the gentle buzzing of it as I wait for Reed to answer.

It rings twice, and then I rip my phone away from my ear. God, what the hell am I doing? Reed and Chase are together. If I call Reed, Chase is going to know. And even though it's completely innocent, I can’t let Chase know that it was my first instinct to call Reed for comfort before him.

God, that’s so messed up.

I’m so messed up.

Even though I’m not sure it’s what I want, I try Chase next, my heart pounding at the thought of him picking up, of me having to tell him what happened. But he doesn’t answer.

I set my head on the table and cry because my mom is dead and I’m alone in the world.

But then my phone rings. I sit up quickly, thinking it has to be Reed calling back, but when I look at the screen, I see it’s Chase. “Hello?” I know I’m not going to be able to hide anything. My voice is thick with tears, my nose running, making me sniffle almost as soon as I answer.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

I immediately start sobbing, crying and crying into the phone until I’m sick to my stomach. When I’ve finally settled down, am finally able to catch my breath, I hear human noises, the quiet hum of a crowded bar in my ear.

“I’m coming, baby,” he says. “Just hang on. I’m on my way to you.”

And in that moment, I feel so much relief that I have Chase, that I’m finally able to stop crying. “Hurry.”