Love in Slow Motion

41. Reed

41 REED

3 Years Ago

There’s a point, I think, in everyone’s life when it becomes obvious whether they’re going to get to be happy or not. Today, the day my brother is marrying the woman I love, is the day I’ve realized I’m never going to be truly happy. Things are going well with the restaurant, and I’m pretty comfortable financially and whatnot. But he has her, so for me, happiness is pretty much off the table.

When she came out of that back door earlier, I knew that if I said the right thing, she would call the whole thing off. She would have run, if I had given her permission.

But I could never do that Chase.

I watch them dance now, holding each other tight and smiling, their foreheads pressed together. They’re going to be happy. I don’t care what the hell I have to do. Even if I’m never happy a day in my life, I need Chase and Quinn to be. They both deserve good lives.

While everyone’s eyes are on them, I sneak over to the bar. Mom paid for the wedding, so it’s an open bar. I set my glass on the tabletop and tap it with my finger. The bartender nods at me. I don’t have to tell him what I’m having because it’s the fourth time I’ve been up here.

As soon as my speech was done, I started in with the gin. Once I no longer had to focus on not blurting into the microphone that all I wanted to do was die watching my brother marry the only person on this planet I’ve ever really wanted, I started to get sloshed.

Drunk is the only way I’m making it through this day.

“That’s your last one,” the bartender says, and I freeze before taking the glass.

“What do you mean?” I shout to him as the music changes from something gentle and sweet to something with heavy bass. The crowd all cheers and half the room begins to move onto the dancefloor.

“The bride and groom have put a limit on the number of drinks each person can be served. It’s for your safety, sir.”

I glower at him. He doesn’t realize that it’s for everyone’s safety that I be allowed to get blind drunk so I can forget this day ever happened. As if that will help anything. This is the rest of my life. Quinn will be his for the rest of my life.

“Yeah, thanks, man,” I say, taking the glass and wandering down the hall leading out of the reception room. I know I have to be a good Best Man and try to stick around as much as possible, but I need to breathe. I need to find some goddamn air.

And then my mother appears before me. It’s like she knows. She always does. She pops up out of nowhere, stopping in my tracks, and says, “You need to dance with Quinn.”

If I wasn’t so numb, I would choke on my own tongue. “What? Why?”

She lifts her chin in the direction of the dancefloor behind me, which I’ve been very strategically avoiding. When I look over my shoulder, I see that Chase and Sabrina have taken to the floor, dancing close together to a song that’s too upbeat to be a slow song but too lazy to be a party song. They’re having a conversation, laughing, and off to the side of the dancefloor, Quinn watches quietly, all by herself.

“None of her brothers showed up,” my mother hisses to me. “You need to dance with her. You’re the only real brother she has.”

Bile rises in my throat. I am not her brother , I want to growl at my mother, but I’ve already handed her my gin glass and started to move around the outside of the dancefloor toward Quinn. It doesn’t matter how much it hurts, I can’t let her stand there alone.

Just like I couldn’t let her make a run for it earlier. Nope, I had to convince her to marry my brother. Because what was my other option? Beg her to marry me instead? Convince her to call it off, wait a few months, and then make a play for her myself?

I don’t even know when it happened exactly, that moment when I realized I was madly in love with her. Sometime between that first Thanksgiving and her mother’s funeral, I guess. I started to realize that every time we were together, I felt better . She listened to me. She didn’t second-guess everything I did or said. She didn’t ask me patronizing questions. She talked to me about stuff that mattered and stuff that didn’t. She smiled when she walked into the room and realized I was there. She laughed at my jokes.

And when I would have to leave her, I would feel broken. Lonely. Lost.

I want to be anywhere else. Anywhere that isn’t here. That isn’t now. That isn’t my life. “Care to dance?” I lean down to say into Quinn’s ear when I finally reach her. She jumps a little and looks at me over her bare shoulder. I’m trying not to look at her skin, lest I be tempted to caress it.

When Quinn realizes it’s me, her eyes go a little shiny and she smiles. “Yes, please.”

And when I take her hand in mine, I wonder why I couldn’t have chosen to be a terrible person, the kind of person who could see someone’s need and look the other way. Because if I had just kept walking, just kept going and walked out the back door, my heart wouldn’t be racing at the feel of Quinn’s hand in mine. I wouldn’t be trying to force down the tremor in my limbs while I place a hand at her back and pull her body close to mine, setting us into a gentle rhythm with the music, a twangy kind of folk song.

She tips her head back, her silver eyeshadow shimmering in the light, and smiles. “Thank you, Reed,” she says.

I shake my head. I certainly can’t take credit when it was my mom who saw that she was in need instead of me. “I’m sorry that none of your brothers showed up.”

Her smile only dims a little bit. She shrugs. “I’m used to it. I knew they wouldn’t come. But Chase wanted me to invite them anyway. I think he was hoping our guest count would be a little less lopsided. He pretty much brings everything to the table in this relationship, you know?” She gives a nervous laugh, but I don’t join in. How can she think something like that, even as a joke?

“Yeah, lucky you.” The bitter words slip out before I can stop them. Behind her, Sabrina and Chase slip past us, and Chase looks over, clearly wondering what we’re talking about. I resist the urge to tug Quinn a little closer.

“Are you okay?” she asks, and I want to kick myself. I shouldn’t have said that. It was a dick move.

“Yeah. Sorry.” I give a fake laugh, trying to reassure her. “I’ve just had a lot to drink. But don’t worry, the bartender has informed me that I’m officially cut off.”

She gives a comical grimace and says, “Yeah, sorry. I invited a lot of people from Suffolk and I didn’t want anyone to get sloppy. Especially not in front of your mom.”

Is this what’s constantly going through her head all the time? Always worrying about making a good impression and what she has to offer everybody? Can’t she just…be herself?

“Do you ever just wish everything was different?”

When she looks up at me with a confused tilt to her mouth, I know that I fucked up. I shouldn’t be drinking on a day like today. I shouldn’t have let myself get so close to her. I shouldn’t have said that. I really, really shouldn’t have said that.

“What do you mean?” she whispers.

But before I have a chance to explain myself, the song ends and everyone claps. Quinn is still looking up at me, still waiting for an explanation, but I don’t give her one. I step away from her and turn for the exit. I have to get out of here.

I have to move on with my life. I can’t spend forever pining for a woman I can’t have.