Love Me Reckless (Love Me Dangerous #2)

Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

KIRILEE

Birch pulls away from the curb before I even have my seatbelt fastened.

“Why weren’t you answering your phone?” He turns right and accelerates down the main street. “Your parents were ready to call the FBI.”

My stomach twists. “I had it silenced. I’ve done that before.”

“Never when you’ve been out alone. It looked like your car had been abandoned.” He reaches across the console and covers my hand with his. “We really thought something terrible had happened.”

His touch sends icy prickles up my arm. I close my eyes. Something terrible, all right.

Terrible and wonderful.

I kissed a man who is not my fiancé.

When Sawyer gripped the back of my neck and pulled me closer, a wild heat broke free inside me. All I could think of was more .

More hungry kisses. More of his firm touch. His quickening breaths. Underneath his jeans, he was hard and thick. Did just kissing me do that to him?

“Kirilee!” Birch snaps .

Shit. “Sorry, what?”

“Call your parents.”

“Oh, right.” I dig out my phone. When I toggle it out of Do Not Disturb, my screen explodes with messages and missed calls. Guilt trickles through me.

My dad answers on the first ring. “Where are you?”

“With Birch.”

He huffs a sigh but it’s mixed with frustration. “Do you have any idea what you’ve put us through? Your mother had to take medication.”

I wince. “I’m sorry. I had something I needed to do.”

“What could possibly be more important than your safety?”

I frown. “What makes you think I wasn’t safe?”

“Why did you leave your car in Pinedale?”

“I wanted to ride with my friend.”

Birch gives me a sideways glance. Did he see me on Sawyer’s lap? The truck’s back window is blocked by the canopy, but the windows were foggy and I’m pretty sure my cheeks were flushed.

“When we can’t reach you, it brings up a lot for us.”

I shrink into my chair. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve always been so good, Kirilee. Never careless like this. Promise me it won’t happen again.”

Outside the window, the mountain landscape passes by in a dark blur. Making this promise feels heavy, and sad.

And final. Like a dead end. “Okay.”

My dad releases a tight sigh. “Good. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

We end the call and I slip my phone back into my purse. Birch pulls up to my car, looking so foreign in the bare little lot.

“I’ll follow you to Grayhawk,” he says.

My skin prickles with dread. “I think I’ll just go home.”

“Was that an option?”

My stomach drops.

“It’s time you start acting like my fiancée, Kirilee.”

Acting. At least he got that part right. I want to scream. Instead, I cover my mouth with my hands and breathe in slowly.

“This little defiance streak comes to an end.” He glares at me. “Now.”

Defiance streak? That’s what he thinks? I give him a sideways glance, but he’s staring straight ahead, his jaw set.

“You’ve never been upset at me for spending time with my friends.”

“You’re out alone at night with another man.” He shakes his head. “Do you realize how that comes across?”

This hooks into my heart, creating a tight sting. You care more about how it looks?

I blink at the windshield, stunned.

Though I want to reassure him that nothing happened, that would be a lie.

Remember your place, Kirilee. Though I don’t love the idea of marrying Birch, it doesn’t mean I want to humiliate him. “Forgive me.”

“Sawyer obviously came to Finn River for a fresh start,” he says, his tone brisk. “If he lost his job at the ranch, how would that play out?”

I think about the camaraderie Sawyer has with his roommates, and the animated way he talks about his work and his crew. Though I don’t know the details of his life before, it’s easy to see that he likes being in Finn River. He likes being close to Zach and William, and his job as a mechanic, and being my friend.

It dawns on me where this conversation is going. I swallow hard. “It would be devastating.”

“I will keep quiet about who you were with tonight because it’s obvious you care about him,” he says. “But if it happens again, that courtesy ends.”

He unlocks the doors. “See you at home.”

My eyes burn with the emotions rising so fast inside me. Because he’s just given me an ultimatum. One I can’t back down from .

To protect Sawyer, I have to push him away.

“See you… at home.”

That night, I manage to type out a quick text to Sawyer while Birch takes his before-bed shower.

I’m sorry

He replies right away.

Sorry for what?

For everything.

For that kiss? Because I’m not one bit sorry about that.

I’m not sorry either. But is there such thing as too good of a kiss? Because my heart hurts every time I relive it.

I know he wanted me. I felt it in his touch, in his lips and his sensual, skillful tongue. In his low groan when I pressed closer to him, and in the quickening of his breaths. I guess I got my wish because that kiss was everything I could have hoped for.

But now it has to end.

I’ll never forget tonight

That sounds like goodbye

Hot tears sting my eyes. I type out a quick reply, before I lose my nerve.

You will always be a part of me

My phone rings. It’s Sawyer. I silence the call just as Birch comes out of the bathroom, frowning. “Who’s that?”

“Nobody,” I say quickly, and slip under the covers.

“I’d like you to accompany me to Gansu Province Friday,” he says. “We’ll get to spend some time together, and I can show you the biggest renewable energy project in the world.”

Alarm bells blare in the back of my mind. “How long will we be gone?”

“Eight days.”

“But that’s?—”

“We’ll be home in time for Christmas.” He snaps off the light.

I stare at the wall, my emotions churning inside me. Going to China so close to Christmas feels wrong. I’ll miss seeing my friends. I’ll miss the torchlight parade on the solstice. I’ll miss wrapping presents with Grayson. I’ll miss my next ski date with Sawyer.

Then I get it—that’s the whole point. Birch’s message is clear. You belong to me.

“Grandma!” I squeal as her car pulls to a stop outside my parent’s house. Though I’m operating on two hours of sleep thanks to flight delays during our return from China yesterday, I’m not about to miss Grandma’s arrival. The instant she jumps out of the car, I tackle her with a huge hug.

She cackles with delight and squeezes me so hard I squeak. “How’s my darling Kirilee?”

“Still a little jetlagged, but I’m so happy you’re finally here.” I take her hands and drink her in, all five-foot-four of her. Her eyes are the same green as mine and Dad’s, and though her hair has gone a dove-grey, her freckles outnumber mine.

She squeezes my hands. “I want to hear all about your trip.”

To make my life seem even more surreal, while we were gone, Birch had all of my personal things moved to Grayhawk. Someone even unpacked my clothes. My jewelry. The pictures of me with my friends that I keep on my bedside table and in my bathroom are supposedly in a box, but I haven’t found them. I’m also still looking for the poster Ava and Sofie made from pictures taken in Darby.

I rattle off a series of anecdotes to Grandma Dora as we walk up to the house. The wonderful hospitality, the busy cities, the fascinating food options, and the lively culture. Though Birch spent most of the trip in meetings, Grandma doesn’t seem to notice that I’ve left him out of my stories. The one event we attended together was the wind and solar energy facility tour at the edge of the Gobi Desert, a place so barren and sad that I hope I never have to go there again. Because Birch speaks Mandarin, I don’t even know what the meeting was about.

By the time Grandma Dora reaches the top of the stairway, she’s breathing hard. “This altitude… oof.”

“You want to rest for a while? Dinner’s not until six.”

She waves me off.

Inside the house, Christmas music plays and it smells of sweet cranberry and pine, with the murmur of conversation filtering in from the living room. Our tree fills the entryway, extending to almost the second-story landing.

“My, that’s a big tree. Jeffers cut this one himself?” She leans back to take it all in.

I flash her a smile and she winks. Dad hasn’t cut a tree in his life.

“Grams!” Grayson cheers, hurrying from the living room. He wraps Grandma Dora in a soft hug. “So good to see you.”

“You aren’t at work?” she asks, unwrapping her scarf and slipping off her coat.

Grayson and I share a look. He called me a few hours ago, frustrated after another pointless meeting with Dad, so I convinced him to take the rest of the day off.

“And miss your arrival?” he replies while I hang up Grandma’s things.

“You’re just trying to butter me up.” She waggles her finger. “But don’t worry, I plan to make plenty of English toffee for everyone.”

“Would you like your usual?” Grayson asks while we continue past our tree to the living room, where our parents, Birch, and his parents and grandparents are waiting to start the party.

Grandma gives Grayson her signature impish grin. “That would be lovely.”

Because of the time difference to New York, Grandma fades just after dessert. I’m not faring much better, so I offer to walk her upstairs.

Once we’re on the second floor and out of earshot, she loops her arm through mine and sighs. “How are you doing, sweetheart?”

Arriving home to Christmas in full swing, with all the festivities and time with my family to look forward to was a relief after the China trip, but I feel less and less like celebrating.

“I’m doing fine.” As long as I don’t think too hard about Sawyer, that is.

Thanks to the time difference and the Chinese government’s strict rules regarding communication with the U.S., I wasn’t able to text or call him. When I returned, I hoped to see a missed message from him, even if it’s just about our ski date I was forced to cancel, but there’s been nothing. I know he’s busy, and probably angry. I wish I had a way to explain, but how can I do it without breaking my promise?

“I had a chance to talk with that fiancé of yours.” She taps her temple. “Very sharp. Serious too.”

“Yes, he’s very ambitious.”

“He’s clearly fond of you.” We step into her room. The giant bed has been turned down, with the bedside table lamp casting a soft glow across the plush ivory carpet. The big windows facing the mountain view act like a mirror, and even though the image of us is faint, my smile looks like a grimace.

“I had no idea he was so passionate about his causes. I learned more about alternative energy in five minutes than an hour-long documentary.” She gives me a thoughtful glance. “Is he as passionate about you?”

My gut takes a dive. “What do you mean?”

“He seems like a good match for the business. Some of his ideas seem a little futuristic but investors are pleased, and that’s important. But is he a good match for my creative, thoughtful, and passionate granddaughter?”

I choose my words carefully. “We’re still growing as a couple.”

Grandma frowns. “I see.”

“Will you come to my wedding dress fitting?” I ask to steer the conversation away from this topic. “I, um, might need some moral support.”

A curious gleam fills her eyes. She cups my cheek and smiles. “Of course.”

Normally, Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year, but I’m miserable. I haven’t been sleeping well, and the dark circles under my eyes are proof. My stomach feels like I’ve been eating rocks.

Mom calls from her closet, “Kirilee, help me with my zipper?”

I rise from where I’ve been waiting at the end of her bed so we can go down together for our annual family portrait.

Inside her spacious closet, Mom is facing the long mirror at the end, her forest-green evening gown gaping open in the back. I walk over and pinch the zipper at the bottom. Her spicy perfume filters into my senses. It brings me back to when I use to sneak into her bathroom to spray some on my wrists, just to feel close to her like I did when I was little.

I zip up the dress. The lines of almost invisible stitching on either side of the zipper tells me that she’s had this dress taken in, yet it’s loose. Has she lost even more weight since she had it altered?

“Are you doing okay, Mom?” I watch her face in the mirror.

There’s a flicker of vulnerability there, but she lifts her chin and smiles. “Of course. It’s Christmas Eve and both of my beautiful children are here to celebrate.”

I wish she would talk to me.

She turns, her eyes narrowing. “Let me fix those dark circles under your eyes.”

I let her lead me from the closet to the brightly lit bathroom counter. She retrieves several items from her vanity then hurries over.

“Look up,” she says.

I obey. She dabs concealer under my right eye.

“When did you know you loved Dad?” I ask.

She smooths the concealer with a foam wedge, dabbing and blending, her eyes focused on her task. “It was Christmas, actually. He’d been away for weeks, and he surprised me by coming home early. I felt complete in way I hadn’t before.”

My aching stomach twists. Felt complete . That’s her definition of love? “How long did it take?”

She dabs concealer under my left eye. “What do you mean?”

“From when you met him to that moment, how long did it take?”

She uses the foam wedge, dabbing and smoothing. Her subtle smile looks frozen. “Have faith, Kirilee. It’ll happen for you.”

I know she doesn’t mean to shut me down, but this is not reassuring me right now. “What if it doesn’t?”

“He’s a good match for you, and he’s going to restore our investors’ faith in Finn River Ranch so the legacy your father created can continue. ”

“So love doesn’t matter?” My voice is rising and my breaths tremble in my throat.

“A partnership with a man of such high esteem isn’t the end of the world.” She dusts powder with a dainty brush over the concealer. “Think of your children. The security and prosperity you’ll be able to give them.”

I blink hard to keep my tears locked away.

Mom closes the powder case, the sharp click carrying an air of finality that makes my stomach twist. “Finished.” She urges me to turn so we both face the mirror. “See? All better.”