Love Me Reckless (Love Me Dangerous #2)

Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

KIRILEE

I tell myself that I’m not doing anything wrong by showing up at the sleigh ride. My friends invited me and I could use some camaraderie right now. Sawyer will be there but I won’t have to be alone with him.

After parking my car next to Sofie’s Wagoneer, I gather my thick gloves and zip up my jacket. The movement rubs my thermal shirt against my side where my tattoo is still a little sensitive, sending goose bumps rushing over my tummy.

I step onto the frozen ground and hurry through the new snow to where Henry and Barb Hutton are busy tending to their team of horses hitched to the big sleigh, the little bells attached to the harnesses ringing in the cold air.

Sofie is standing to the side of the sled with William and Zach, their breaths making little clouds. Sofie’s brother Jesse and his girlfriend Neve are huddled close together near the back of the sleigh talking in low tones and sneaking the occasional kiss. On the other side of the sleigh, Ava and Hutch are having a snowball fight, their cries of surprise and cackling mixing with the murmur of conversation .

Sofie practically tackles me in a soft hug. “So glad you could make it!”

“Thanks for the invite.” I squeeze her back before Zach swoops in for a quick hug. “Where’s Linnie?”

“At a protest march against wind turbines in Camas Prairie,” Sofie says, frowning. “You didn’t hear about it?”

I haven’t been into town since before Birch whisked me off to China. “No. What’s wrong with wind turbines?”

“According to Linnie, they’re harmful to birds,” Sofie says with a grimace.

Sofie’s sister has been an animal rights activist since she was little, and her dad is the local conservation officer, so I’m sure Linnie’s right.

“Good for her,” I say as unease settles in my gut. “We’ll miss her though.”

“Henry’s already planned another sleigh ride for her and her friends on Friday.”

I glance at Henry, who is laughing at something his wife Barb has said. They’ve become like surrogate grandparents to Zach, Sofie, and her siblings, so I’m not surprised they’ve gone out of their way for Linnie.

A truck enters the lot. It’s Sawyer in his ancient Dodge, followed by his roommate Carson and his girlfriend Tara in her Subaru.

Sawyer’s gaze flicks to mine, then he turns his truck into the space next to my car.

A pulse of heat dances over my skin and the flutters in my tummy launch into my throat.

“Kirilee, look out!” someone cries just as a snowball lands on my shoulder. Snow explodes in my face.

Hutch jumps out from the other side of the sleigh to grab me in a tight hug. I wrap my arms around his solid frame and sigh. It’s a rare treat that he’s home during the holidays, so I’m extra grateful he’s here. “I’m so glad you’re home.”

“Me too,” he says, stepping back to smile at me .

A snowball zooms in from the side, splatting on his neck. He busts up laughing, then dashes off to attack Ava. She squeals and takes off running.

Sawyer walks up to Zach’s group. His gaze lingers on Hutch for an instant longer, then he glances at me. His soft brown eyes look wounded. Angry.

“Something going on between you two?” Sofie asks me in a low tone, her gaze darting between Sawyer and me.

“No.” My squeaky tone must give me away because Sofie’s eyes turn serious.

“All aboard,” Henry calls out, his weathered cheeks rosy from the cold.

The sleigh has three rows of bench seating. Zach, Sofie, and William choose the front, so I climb into the middle one.

When I reach for the handle, Sawyer steps into the sleigh from the other side. Heat flickers behind my breastbone. My mittened hand slips on the slick wood, and I lose my balance.

Sawyer lunges, grabbing my hands and pulling me into the sleigh. I crash into his chest, and he wraps his arms around me. Prickly adrenaline spikes inside me. I’m breathing fast and my face feels hot. Is it my near-catastrophic tumble or because I’m so close to him?

His cedar scent I remember from that night warms me from the inside out. My side gives a little throb, and I step back.

“Does it still hurt?” he asks in a low tone, his eyes troubled.

I know he means the little bird healing her way to beautiful on my side, but my heart swallows this whole. “I think it always will.”

He grimaces.

Ava and Hutch climb into our row, boxing me between them and Sawyer. I could switch with Ava, but I don’t want to separate her and Hutch.

Ava introduces Hutch, and he and Sawyer shake hands. The flicker of animosity I noticed earlier in Sawyer’s eyes has softened, but his guard is up. Is it because of me? Hutch spreads the blanket over our laps while behind us, Carson, Tara, Jesse, and Neve laugh at a story Carson is telling.

My thigh warms from the contact with Sawyer’s, bringing back the memory of straddling his lap. It’s what I think about at night when I’m alone. His rough hands on my skin. His hungry kisses on my lips. The way our bodies seemed perfectly in tune.

I know I should stop because it hurts, like something inside me is broken, but I can’t.

Up front, Henry and Barb cuddle close. “Ready back there?” Henry calls over his shoulder.

“Ready!” Sofie cheers from the front.

Henry gives a command and the sled lurches forward. A cry of surprise rings out from the passengers, but the ride turns smooth as the sleigh’s runners start to glide.

The trail follows a wide path through tall pines for a short ways to the river, where the cobbles and boulders covered in snow look like giant white gumdrops. Steam rises from the water flowing through the center of the channel, even though the water’s frigid. On the opposite bank, tidy homes are tucked into the trees, some with chimney smoke curling into the blue sky.

“Did you have a nice Christmas?” I ask Sawyer to cut the awkward silence.

“Yeah. Really nice.” He sends me a quick sideways glance, almost like he’s afraid to look at me for too long. “You?”

While there were lovely dinners and thoughtful gifts and Christmas cheer, the only thing that felt good was handing over the books Sofie and I wrapped for the Get Lit Giftaway.

“Yes.”

“Sofie said you went to China,” Sawyer says. “What was that like?”

“Busy,” I reply. And lonely. Is that how my life will be? I remember what I shared with Sawyer outside the Rose Lake tattoo shop. Am I doomed to feel alone no matter what I choose?

Sawyer’s watching me with a serious look, like he expects more, but I’m done sharing. “Now that I’m back, I’ve been spending time with Grandma Dora.”

He arches an eyebrow. “She talk any sense into you?”

Prickles erupt on my neck. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Henry steers the sleigh onto the wide bridge, the horse’s hooves echoing on the sturdy wood.

“Why do you let him treat you like that?”

I clench my fingers into fists inside my gloves. “Birch could get you fired.”

Sawyer scoffs. “ That’s what you’re worried about?”

“Yes.” I sneak a glance at him. That he isn’t scared is messing with my head. Birch could make Sawyer’s life difficult in so many ways, and I’m just supposed to let it happen?

“Take me out of the equation,” Sawyer says, so quiet I barely hear him. “What about you? What do you want?”

The sleigh turns, following the river downstream. “What I want and what is possible are very different.”

“You have everything you need to change that, princess.”

Heat sizzles up my spine, making my face burn. “Stop calling me that.”

Under the blanket, he slides his mittened hand beneath mine and cradles it gently.

I should resist. I should yank my hand away and turn my back to him, shut him out of my life for good.

The thought of that tears me open inside.

“I drove by that preschool building,” he says. “The FOR SALE sign is back up.”

“So?”

He shrugs. “What if the other deal fell through?”

Warmth flickers to life in my belly and the dreams I cast aside rise up like a gentle wave. But it breaks just as fast, because I’m in no better position to buy that house than I was a month ago. I’ve researched grants and programs, and I’ve spoken with a representative from the Finn River Chamber of Commerce. While there’s interest for my idea, it’s slow going.

“Maybe the right person will buy it this time,” I say.

“I think that person is you.”

I blink back my emotions raging out of control inside me. If he’s right, why can’t I seem to make things happen? Going after what I want is only making me miserable.

When we return to the Huttons’ ranch, everyone gets out of the sleigh and heads for the house. Zach and Sofie hang back to help Henry unhitch the horses.

Inside the house, Barb has soup in a giant crock pot and mulled wine she’s kept on low, plus Christmas cookies and bowls of homemade caramel popcorn.

The kitchen fills with laughter and conversation as people line up with their bowls and fill plates with goodies. Ava and Hutch make a beeline for the hearth to build up the fire, leaving me and Sawyer alone in the entryway.

He pulls a small rectangular box from his pocket. It’s wrapped in shiny green paper with a little red ribbon taped to the top. “Merry Christmas, Kirilee.”

My breath catches in my throat. “I… don’t have a gift for you.”

He steps closer, and without the extra protection of our thick coats, the heat between us feels dangerous. “I think we covered this already, remember? Now open it.”

His bossy tone makes my spine tingle, but I peel back the paper to the plain white box underneath. There’s something rattling around inside it. I give Sawyer a curious glance as I slip the flap open on the bottom and slide the object into my palm. It looks like a rubber address stamp, with a smooth wooden handle.

Only…

I hand him the wad of ripped paper and empty box so I can look closer at the stamp. It’s made of raised brass, like it’s meant to imprint something soft. The letters are in reverse, but there’s a K and the outline of a bird .

“It’s a pottery stamp. You made this? For me?” The flutters clot in my throat. “How?”

He smiles. “I sent the design to a press maker, and they forged the metal. Then I used a woodworking lathe to sand the handle, and fused them together.”

Tears prick my eyes, but I blink them back. “This is so thoughtful.”

“You want to see it in action?” He nods to the door.

We step back outside and he scoops up a handful of snow, packing it into an oval ball. He holds it out to me. “Go ahead.”

Gently, I press the stamp into the hard snow. Under the porch light, “Crafted by Kirilee” arcs over an outline of a bird, her wings outstretched.

“Sawyer, it’s beautiful!”

“Gotta make your mark,” he says.

I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him. “Thank you.”

He holds me gently, his cedar scent filling my senses. I know I should let go, but I feel like I’m going to unravel if I do.

He strokes down my hair. “I’ll always be here for you,” he says.

A sob catches in my throat. I hold him tighter because this sounds like goodbye.

The rest of the holidays pass in a blur of family events and spending time with Grams, but the night before my final wedding dress fitting, my turbulent thoughts come rushing back to the surface.

Birch texts me a message from Cabo with a picture of the sunset from the vacation house he and his bachelor party rented. He’s been working a lot since the holidays, so I’ve barely seen him.

I reply with a heart. It’s sweet of him to think of me.

I style my hair in long waves and put on makeup to hide how pale I look. Wasn’t it just yesterday I sat in a hot tub with an intriguing stranger under a summer sky bright with stars? A night that felt ripe with possibilities, and promise.

I tell myself that my life can still hold promise. I will persevere, just like I always do.

What I want and what is possible are very different.

You have everything you need to change that, princess.

At the village bridal boutique, Mom and Grandma and I are ushered inside. Along one side is a rack of white gowns in various styles, from modern to classic, with tule, lace, and satin in a hundred different combinations. I know because I tried at least half of them.

“Would you ladies care for tea while we prepare for the viewing?”

I fight my annoyance. Viewing? This makes me feel like a piece of artwork.

“Yes, please,” Mom says. She settles into one of the Victorian-style chairs, which practically swallows her. Has she eaten today?

Grams is busy looking around the shop. There are displays for shoes, veils, stockings, even undergarments.

“Kirilee,” the saleswoman says in a sweet voice that should not irritate me. “Ready?”

I inhale a full breath for courage, then follow her into the fitting room area.

My dress is a backless mermaid in creamy ivory satin, with a plunging neckline and a shaped train overlaid with lace tulle. It looks garish against the candy pink walls of the dressing room but I force that thought aside.

“All right,” the saleswoman says brightly. “Let’s get you undressed and I’ll help with assembling.”

Again, her choice of words should not make me want to breathe fire.

Focus on gratitude . So many people would envy me right now. I’m about to step into a beautiful dress made just for me, in preparation for a wedding that will afford me every privilege I could ask for and that will preserve my family’s legacy for generations to come.

I remove my clothes and fold them neatly on the little stool. I can’t look at my naked self. The lights are too bright in here. The air too crisp. My skin turns to gooseflesh. I feel exposed and awkward. Ugly.

“Okay,” I say to the saleswoman.

She slips into my dressing room and eases the dress from the hangar. Though I’m naked except for my underwear, she stays focused on her task, thankfully keeping this professional. But when I extend my arm to balance so I can step into the dress, she sucks in a gasp. Her eyes are fixed on my tattoo.

My skin has healed, and the design is vivid and boldly beautiful. I love it more each day.

“Oh my,” the saleswoman says, blinking. Like she isn’t sure it’s real. She gives me an apprehensive glance. “That’s… new.”

I slide my arms into the sleeves and lift the satin bodice into place.

The saleswoman steps behind me to fasten the tiny buttons in the back. In the reflection of the mirror, I take a long look at myself. The dress is gorgeous. Classy and stylish. The day I picked it out, what was I feeling? Was I happy then?

The saleswoman stoops down to lift the dress’s hem and unfurls the skirt like a parachute. It falls around me like a heavy cloud, with the train curling to the right.

She steps back, beaming. “It’s absolutely beautiful on you.”

I try to smile. “Thank you.”

“Ready to show your mother and grandmother?”

I turn slightly to the right so the reflection catches my bold little bird. Half of her is hidden by the satin edge of the bodice, but her other half is looking back at me.

“Ready.”