Luv (Un)Arranged (Luv Shuv #3)

Chapter 31

31

Song: Yeh Dil Deewana

- Sonu Nigam

Kriti

T here was a loud ringing in my ears. Or maybe it was the sound of my heart shattering. I need you to go back to your home . I thought this was my home. I thought he was my home.

Just nine words, and I felt like a stranger in this house.

My husband said he couldn’t even look at me. And for what? For caring for his brother? For treating him like I would treat my own brother? For protecting his privacy? For loving him like I would love my own little brother?

“Don’t do this, Aakar,” I whispered, tears clogging the back of my throat, refusing to let a sound escape.

He stood with his back facing me, his hands clenched in tight fists.

His back expanded as his head hung low, defeat etched in every angle of his body. “I’ll drop you at the station tomorrow morning.”

“You’re making a huge mistake. This is not the way to deal with a fight,” I said, trying to make him see reason.

His chuckle was hoarse, and when he turned around, his eyes were red-rimmed with tears, despair etched on his beautiful face. “Sure, teach me how to be better at communication.”

He was beyond exasperating and unreasonable. I knew he would be disappointed and hurt when he found out that I knew, but never in my wildest imagination did I think he would be so furious that he would send me back home.

My worry grew with every second that passed because he didn’t take his words back. My legs started shaking so badly that I sat on the edge of the bed, watching him move across our bedroom.

How the hell did a perfectly good evening dissolve into utter chaos and misery?

My heart was in pieces for Abhi. While I understood it must be frustrating to face the same questions over and over again, this was definitely not how I imagined him coming out to his brother.

And there I was, so confident that Aakar would support his brother, that he would be there to protect him and fight for him, no matter what. Looking back up to where my husband paced our bedroom like a caged lion, I felt so fucking sorry for giving Abhi hope. I never should’ve asked him to put so much faith in Aakar.

I was so fucking angry now. Angry with him for being such a dickhead, and angrier at myself for thinking he would just instantly hug Abhi when he came out.

My head started to pound, watching him walk back and forth, and I couldn’t help but snap, “Are you insane? Go to your brother. What’s the matter with you?”

If his glare could physically shut me up, my lips would be sewn shut. “Will you just…? I’m thinking.”

“What the fuck is there to think about?”

“A million things that you couldn’t even begin to understand. If you could, we wouldn’t be in this position right now.”

My anger rose with every word he spoke. I wanted to hit him, grab his head by his hair, and bash it against the wall to bang some sense into him. “What position? Where your brother isn’t gay?”

His entire face scrunched up in a cringe. “Don’t say that word.”

Rage exploded in my heart and spread like a wildfire through my veins. I could feel myself burning hot, my head pounded like someone was ramming a bulldozer in my skull. “Did Abhi break you? Have you got no fucking heart?”

His glare could flay someone’s skin open. “Shut. Up.”

He went to his nightstand, opened the drawer, and got his car keys. Without even looking at me, he said, “I’m leaving. You better be ready to go tomorrow morning.”

A gasp tore through my chest. “But…”

His eyes were dark pools of venom staring at me. “What? You thought just because I was talking to you that I changed my mind? That I can look at you in the face and not feel betrayed?”

Every word from his mouth was a punch to my chest. My heart broke. “It’s that easy for you, huh?”

For a second there, his eyes flashed with agony. But he quickly froze and said, “Just as easy as it is for you to lie to me.”

And it wasn’t. But what about lying for his brother?

Tears pooled in my eyes, but I refused to let them drop. “Don’t do this, Aakar. Don’t send away your wife.”

“Seven o’clock sharp.”

With those words ringing in my ears, he left the room. And I let my tears fall.

Gut-wrenching agony. Betrayal. Disbelief. Anger. A barrage of all of the emotions bombarded me. Maybe this was how Aakar felt. Tears streamed down my face freely now.

I wasn’t going to try to convince him anymore.

I wasn’t at fault here.

If I could go back and had to keep Abhi’s secret, knowing how Aakar would react, I would make the same choice all over again. No regrets.

So with tears streaming down my face—why wouldn’t they stop?—I opened my wardrobe and got my suitcase out. And I packed one dress after the next. I got my toiletries and added them. I opened my laptop and sent an email to my school requesting a leave of absence for the next two weeks. I’d deal with a further leave of absence when the time came.

I didn’t pack all my clothes. I left enough not to raise any suspicion at home, mine and his. I had no intention of letting anyone in my or Aakar’s family know why I was leaving. Not because I wanted to give Aakar a chance or because I was leaving with a delusion that I’d be back in two weeks. But because I would protect Abhi.

If Aakar reacted like that , there was no way anyone in the family would react well.

By the time I zipped the suitcase shut, tears had dried on my face. My mind seemed to be going numb, whereas my heart had never beaten faster. It had never ached more. The sharp sting of rejection felt like a knife plunged into my heart.

He told me he loved me. Over and over again.

Was this his love? So fickle? So conditional?

I lay down on the bed, not feeling the mattress or the comforter. My eyes closed, but sleep evaded me. Seconds on the clock ticked by, and my heart hardened with every tick that passed. My mind was stuck in a circle of hopes and dejection. It created endless loops of conditions. If he asked us to stay, we’ll be okay. If he lets us go, we’ll never come back. If he comes to our home to call us back, we’re going to be the ones to reject him.

I did not sleep that night.

I never opened my eyes when I heard Aakar walk in or when the bed dipped at my back.

For the entire night, every minute, every second of it, I waited for Aakar to tell me to stay. He didn’t. Not even once. Not even a word. And each second of his silence crushed my heart into pieces.

I woke up way too early in the morning, got ready, brought my bag downstairs to the dining area, prepared my chai, and waited for everyone to wake up.

When Maa arrived downstairs, she frowned at the bag near my feet. “What happened, beta? You going somewhere?”

I mustered up a smile. “I really missed home and thought I’d go stay with Mom and Dad for a bit.”

Her eyes shone with worry, and she quickly dropped into the chair beside me. “All of a sudden? Everything okay with Aakar? Did you two fight? Did he say something?”

I quickly put my hand on hers, shaking my head in denial even though my insides were tearing into pieces. “No, Maa. Everything’s fine with Aakar. It’s been months, and I haven’t visited my home. That’s all. I talked to Aakar last night, and he said he’d drop me at the morning bus. That’s all.”

Tension eased from her eyes, and she gave a bright smile. “Oh, alright then, beta. I understand. The first year is always the most difficult. Especially when you live in a different city from your family. We’ll miss you. So don’t stay away for too long.”

My voice shook as I said, “I’ll miss you too. All of you.”

Thankfully, before I could dissolve into tears, Aakar stepped into the dining area and stopped short.

I waited, like a stupid girl, just one last time for him to utter a single word. Stay .

Instead, he said, “Ready?”

No . “Yes,” I said and stood. After touching Maa’s feet for blessings, I wheeled the bag out the door, not looking back at the house or my husband.

Aakar

Life as I knew it stopped the moment Abhi came out. My mind was stuck in a vicious loop of anxiety, stress, and disbelief. Whereas my heart was feeling the moments of betrayal from my wife over and over again.

Rage was riding high in my system, and all I wanted to do was hit something. To destroy something. After dropping Kriti off, I went to the office. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing our room without her in it. I spent the rest of the day immersed in work, only talking to people when needed and checking my phone every two minutes.

I didn’t know why I couldn’t stop checking the damn phone. Was I hoping for her to text me something? An apology? A lashing? Just a fucking I’ve reached home, Aakar ? Was that too much to ask for? Yes , my mind screamed at me. Rage and concern waged a battle in my chest the entire day, not letting me even swallow a bite of food.

When I returned home from the office, I went to Abhi’s room to talk to him. But it was empty. He must’ve gone to Karan’s place.

Shaking my head, I made my way upstairs to find Ria’s door was shut.

I opened the door to my bedroom, and my feet halted at the threshold. Every corner I looked at had imprints of Kriti all over them. Be it her elaborate bookshelves, her books wrapped in ugly brown wrapping paper, or the dip on her side of the bed.

I didn’t know why I was so fucking mad at her.

Was it because she didn’t tell me? Or was it because Abhi chose to tell her and not me?

This was exactly why I sent her away. Her choices. Her actions. Her reasons. I couldn’t deal with them. I couldn’t deal with her.

I had to think about Abhi. My brother. My gay brother.

How did I not see it? How did he hide it so well? How would my brother live his life as a gay man in India? Would he spend his life in hiding and in the shadows? How else would he live his life with his head held high? How else would he protect himself? Did he have no sense of self-preservation? Did he not see the sneers and jabs that gay people had to deal with day and night? Did he realize that he’d never get to marry? What if something happened to him, and I wasn’t there to protect him?

Every question had fear racing through my veins. All I could hear was my own heart beating against my chest, and my head felt like I was submerged in water, drowning in anxiety.

A loud bang of my door crashing into the wall pulled me out of my spiral.

And there stood Abhi, his eyes bloodshot, his body taut, and his hands clenched into tight fists. “Where the fuck is bhabhi?”

My eyes widened. I’d never seen him so furious.

“I think we need to talk.”

“I think you need to answer my question. Where is bhabhi?”

I hardened my voice at that. “That’s between me and her. Don’t interfere. I’d like to talk to you about the bomb you dropped last night.”

Abhi walked into my room, his eyes blazing with fury. “Maa told me bhabhi went home. Said she missed her home.”

It felt like there was a knife stuck in my chest, and Abhi was bound to push it deeper and deeper and deeper. “I said I don’t want to talk about it. Let it the fuck go.”

His voice was barely a whisper when he said, “You sent her away, didn’t you?” But his words fell on me like a bomb detonating inside the room.

My silence was my admission, and Abhi crashed into me like a hurricane. He clutched my T-shirt in his fist and pushed me against the wall. Over and over again, his teeth clenched with restrained fury as he kept repeating, “What the fuck is the matter with you?”

Two smaller arms came between us, pulling Abhi off me. Ria stood between us, her smaller body protecting me while keeping a hand outstretched toward Abhi, stopping him from jumping on me. “What the hell is going on?”

Abhi now had tears streaming down his cheeks, but his eyes were filled with fury and hatred and disgust, all directed toward me. Never taking his eyes off me, he said to Ria, “Ask Aakar Bhai where bhabhi is.”

When Ria didn’t say anything, Abhi shouted like he’d never shouted at us before. “Ask him, Ria Didi.”

Ria’s voice shook as she looked at me. “Where is Kriti, Aakar?”

Heartbreak and shame collided in my chest. “I asked her to go back to her house for a little while.”

Abhi’s laugh was scathing. “Hear that, Ria Didi? He sent her away for a little while. For how long, bhai? One day? Two days? A week? Two? Ten weeks? Does she know that she’s in a time-out?”

This time, Ria was in my face, her jaw clenched. “Have you lost your mind? Why the hell would you do that?”

Before I could get words out of my chest, Abhi interrupted. He had a manic look in his eyes as if he’d lost control of all his emotions. “Oh, oh. Can I make a guess?”

When Ria simply stared at him, her fist clenched tight and her face shining with worry, Abhi quickly rushed to me, and with an unhinged expression, he said, “Because she knew. She knew and didn’t tell you.”

“Aakar?” Ria asked.

I looked at Ria, my jaw clenched tight to stop the scream building up in my chest. “She knew, Ria.”

Abhi punched the wall near my head with a loud cry of frustration and stepped away. He looked away as if he couldn’t bear to look at me, whereas Ria’s eyes were round with shock. “And?”

Didn’t she get it? I waved my hands in the air. “And she hid it from me.”

“It wasn’t her secret to tell,” Abhi shouted, his face still turned away from me, his voice broken.

Sharp pain tugged at my chest.

Ria rushed to where Abhi sat on my bed, on Kriti’s side, his head clutched in his hands. He looked at her as she softly caressed his knee. “It wasn’t her secret to tell. It was mine.”

He sounded like my sad little brother who cried when Maa scolded Akira or me. Or when he got a scolding from Dad for not understanding a mathematics equation, where I would pull him into a hug and take him for an ice cream.

I stepped closer and tried to put my hand on his shoulder. But he jerked his shoulder away, rejecting my touch. He looked at me, tears streaming down his face, his eyes reflecting complete dejection, as he whispered, “Is my being gay so bad? Are you that disgusted at the thought of me being interested in men?”

My knees gave out at his broken words. My ass hit the bed, and I sat slumped on my side of the bed, facing Abhi’s back. Guilt and worry waged war in my chest as I extended my hand toward where he sat. “Being gay isn’t bad, Abhi. And it’s not disgust that I feel at the thought of you preferring men over women. I’m terrified. I’m scared shitless for you.”

Abhi scoffed and turned around, his eyes red-rimmed. “Are you scared for me, or are you scared for the family? Don’t start sugarcoating your words now. Not after you sent bhabhi away.”

How was one different from the other? How could he even separate those two questions? “Of course, I’m scared for the family as well, Abhi. You are my family. I’m terrified to just think of the hatred and violence and injustice gay people have to face every day. How am I supposed to protect you? What if something happens to you? Are you ever going to be able to live freely? Hold your lover’s hand in public? Get married? I am beyond scared at just the thought of all the challenges you’d have to face by being gay. Fuck, Abhi. How am I supposed to protect you? And who all do I fucking protect you from? From the world? From our relatives? From our own parents? Do you have any fucking idea how Mom and Dad will react? What this’ll do to them?”

Tears shone in Abhi’s eyes as he clenched his jaw. At least he was looking at me. “I came out to you because all I cared about was your opinion. Not the world’s. Not our relatives’. And not Mom’s or Dad’s. If I needed their opinion, I would’ve come out to them.”

With a sad laugh that shook his chest and pierced my heart with a thousand tiny needles, he turned to Ria, who sat at the foot of the bed, clutching his knee, and said, “You know, I never even intended to tell Kriti Bhabhi. She accidentally caught me in a compromising position and figured everything out on her own. And do you know what she did when I went to her and told her I was gay?”

My heart pounded at every word Abhi spoke. I stopped breathing as I waited for Abhi to continue.

He turned his face away from Ria and looked me square in the eyes and said, “You don’t deserve to know. Maybe you should’ve asked her. Just so you know, I don’t regret her finding out about me. I’m actually glad she did. And you should be too. Because if not for her, I would’ve never come out to you.”

He shook his head as his eyes once again filled with tears, and my body burned with agony and guilt. “You know, bhai, she was so sure that you would be accepting of me. She thought you’d stand in my corner and be there for me. She had so much faith in you. Bet she’s regretting it now.” He wiped his cheeks and looked at me with so much disappointment. “And so am I.”

With that, he walked out of my room, not once looking back at the broken mess he left behind.

“What have I done, Ria?” My voice was a mere whisper.

Ria shook her head, her eyes shining with pity. Pity for me, the asshole who broke not one but two hearts. “What went wrong, Aakar? I never expected you to be this big of an asshole.”

Shame had me looking away from her eyes. I looked down at my hands. “Fuck, Ria. I don’t know. I freaked out. The only thought that kept circling my head at Abhi’s declaration was that his life was fucked. The ridicule he’d have to face. The dangers he’d exposed himself to. The relationships he would shred to pieces in this house. And Kriti knew . She knew what would happen if Abhi was gay, and she so easily hid it from me. Did she not think about this family? About what would happen to Abhi? About the repercussions of him being gay? Aren’t you worried?”

“Of course, I’m worried. But not about the list of things you seem to be worried about. I’m worried about Abhi, who was so brave in coming out to us. Being gay isn’t a fucking choice, Aakar. And you’re not the only one who realizes the rough road ahead of him. In fact, Abhi seems to have been dealing with this for quite a while now. So you need to stop treating him like some baby who doesn’t know his mind.”

I was getting that from our conversation just now. Thinking about Abhi’s wounded face, his disappointment and heartbreak, felt like I swallowed hot coals down my throat, and I was burning from the inside. “I panicked, Ria. Just the thought of him coming out to Mom and Dad, thinking about their reaction, Abhi leaving us all, I couldn’t deal.”

She shook her head with disappointment. At least she didn’t leave, like Abhi. She walked around the bed and took a seat beside me. “As for Kriti, you fucked up big time.”

I couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes. “I realize that. I should’ve given her a chance to explain.”

Ria scoffed and got up at that. “Typical men,” she spat. “Given her a chance? Are you kidding me? You should’ve thanked your wife for supporting your little brother. What you should’ve done was discuss your feelings about Abhi being gay with her. You should’ve kissed her feet for being so open and caring for your family and treating them with kindness, respect, and love. What you shouldn’t have done is send her back home.”

“No.” My voice was a whisper. The next three words I uttered were the biggest admission of my failure as a husband. “I shouldn’t have.”

Tears gathered in my eyes at the thought of Kriti’s face as she begged me to hear her out. Begged me not to send her away. The way she didn’t tell Maa anything, despite my cruelty.

Horror washed over me at the thought of getting Kriti back. I looked at the scathing anger on Ria’s face. “What have I done?”

She glared at me. “You treated her like shit. You humiliated her. In your delusional obsession about being this leader of the house who needs to know everything about everyone and having this control, you hurt the one person who was actually your biggest ally and partner and who was helping you carry this unreasonable burden. We love you, Aakar, but nobody asked you to carry the burden of this family. In trying to care and worry for your family, you hurt the one person you were supposed to put above everyone else. Instead, you showed her what you really think of her place in this family. Which is at the very bottom.”

My voice was sharp as I glared at her. “That’s not true.”

She glared back. “Doesn’t look like it. If I had a husband who sent me back home for just caring for his family, for treating them like my own, I’d never forgive him.”

“You’re not fucking helping, Ria.”

“I’m not trying to help you. I’m trying to open your eyes, you fucking idiot.”

After a long fucking time, I was feeling like a younger brother to Ria. She was only a year older, but today, I felt like she was far more wise and mature than me, and I fucking needed her.

I groaned, the emptiness Kriti left behind creating a gaping hole in my chest. “I know, I’m an idiot. But how do I get my wife back? Should I go to her place and bring her back?”

She laughed without any humor. “What a great move. And what would you say to her when you get there? Sorry I sent you back home. I realize my mistake, and now I want you to come back?”

At my silence, because that was exactly what I was thinking of doing, she clutched her hair in exasperation and spat, “What a load of shit. Fuck, Aakar. I thought you were smart.”

“I need her, Ria. I am an idiot for putting that burden of needing to know everything on her. And it wasn’t fair of me. But I want my wife back.”

She shook her head, entirely done with me. “Then figure something out.”

With that, she walked away, but unlike Abhi, she turned around, looked me in the eye, and said her parting words, “Just don’t be an idiot.”

Big sisters, always with the wisdom.