Maddy’s Christmas Wedding (Little Duck Pond Cafe #37)

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

I was exhausted. I just wanted to slip under the covers, slide into sleep and shut everything out, especially the conflicting voices that had been arguing back and forth in my head ever since Marcus told me his devastating news.

But I couldn’t sleep. Because my best friends were still sitting on the bed, clustering round and scrutinising me intently, trying to solve my problem for me. Which of course they never could.

The only one who could sort out this nightmare situation was me.

I’d been going over it in my head endlessly, ever since I’d had lunch with Marcus a few days ago and he’d explained everything.

‘I could never wreck Jack’s dreams of being a dad,’ I whispered at last. ‘Even though it would kill me if I had to tell him we were finished.’

‘But if you talk to him . . . tell him about it . . . Jack loves you so much,’ Fen urged. ‘He’d never want you to cancel the wedding.’

‘Of course he wouldn’t,’ said Katja. ‘Maddy, you’ll sort it out somehow. But you have to tell him.’

‘You do,’ murmured Laurel. ‘I can understand how you must dread bringing up the subject but honesty is the only way. And once he knows, you can start talking and working it out together. Because from what I know of Jack, he’s definitely not the sort of man to leave you high and dry because of a bit of a set-back like this.’

Maddy gave a harsh laugh. ‘A bit of a set-back? It’s disastrous!’

‘Yes, but whatever the future holds, Jack’s going to be right by your side, Maddy. You know he will be,’ said Jaz. ‘You don’t doubt that, do you?’

‘No! I don’t doubt that at all. But that’s the whole point,’ Maddy cried, leaping off the bed and going over to stare out at the snowy wonderland beyond the glass.

At last, she turned. ‘It’s because I know that Jack will do the honourable thing and stay with me – despite his dreams being totally wrecked – that I have to set him free. I love him so much and I want him to have the big family he’s always wanted. But to do that, he can’t be with me.’

‘But that’s his choice, surely?’ said Laurel gently.

Fen nodded. ‘Jack’s not going to just abandon you, love.’

‘Yes, but you don’t understand!’ I threw out my arms in frustration. ‘If we go through with the wedding, do you really think that somewhere down the line Jack isn’t going to start resenting me . . . because he’s had to sacrifice his dreams of being a father? Because he will resent me – it’s only human – and the one who’ll have deprived him of that amazing feeling of holding his own child in his arms will be me.’

‘So do you know for certain you actually have the faulty gene?’ Fen asked gently.

I shrugged. ‘There’s a test. Marcus wants me to do it. Obviously.’

An audible sigh floated through the room, as if everyone had relaxed at once.

‘So you haven’t done the test to see if you’re a carrier?’ said Jaz.

‘No, I haven’t,’ I snapped. ‘I just got the news the other day and I’ve been trying to process it.’

‘Right. So there’s a chance you might not even have the gene,’ said Laurel. ‘Well, that’s good, isn’t it?’

‘Not for Marcus it isn’t,’ I said sulkily. I knew they were just trying to help by being positive but my head was totally scrambled right now. Worried about Marcus as well as myself, I was struggling to see the wood for the trees, never mind trying to string logical thoughts together! I kept trying to think if there had been any signs that my heart wasn’t performing as it should. Sometimes I’d experienced my heart beating faster than usual just for a few seconds, but I’d always dismissed this as quite normal. But now I was convinced that those heart palpitations were a sign that Marcus had passed down the gene. And once I did the test and I was right, I’d have to face up to the fact that not only would I lose Jack, but my life from then on was going to change forever and be blighted by heart disease.

I wasn’t ready to face up to that.

Not yet.

So while I knew deep down it was pure avoidance tactics, I really didn’t want to do the test. I didn’t feel ready to face up to the consequences. And nor was I ready to tell Jack. Not yet.

If I’d inherited the gene, Jack would want to stay with me. But did I really want to be with someone who was only with me out of pity and a sense of duty? It was hardly the most romantic thing since Romeo and Juliet!

‘You are going to get tested as soon as you get back, though, aren’t you?’ Fen murmured pleadingly. ‘Then you’ll be able to move forward.’

Everyone was nodding, backing her, trying to understand my resistance. But they couldn’t understand because they weren’t the ones going through it. It wasn’t as simple as Fen was suggesting.

The plain fact was I was absolutely terrified at the thought of having to take a test that would determine whether I’d have a life I was never expecting . . . a life of monitoring my heart and not doing anything that might incur damage . . . and not being able to be a mum because there was a chance I’d be giving my children this terrible life-long condition that could, in turn, shorten their lives.

I stared at my friends through hopeless tears.

It sounded so easy: Get the test! Then you’ll know. But all I wanted to do was bury my head in the sand and pretend that none of this was happening.

Because what if the test revealed that my lovely life, as I presently knew it, was over forever . . .?