Make Room for Love

Chapter 20

20

“Okay,” Vivian said, after a few seconds to process Mira’s rambling account as they walked through the park. “I’m a little worried about this situation.”

“What specifically?”

“I don’t like that she’s coming on to you.”

“She’s not. Isabel isn’t like that. She didn’t ask me to date her or sleep with her.” Mira flushed. Her torrid fantasies from last night were embarrassing in the light of day. “She just told me how she felt. It was pretty obvious that she saw it as a problem more than anything else. Her problem, not mine.”

“And you’re fine with that?”

“I guess so,” Mira said. Vivian frowned. “No, I mean, she doesn’t make me uncomfortable. It’s me. I think I like her too much. And I don’t know what that means or what I should do about it. For one thing, I don’t know if this means I’m actually bi?” She looked out at the East River, reflecting the gray sky, and didn’t find any answers. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about a woman before. Maybe I have. I don’t know.”

Vivian was silent. Mira let out a frustrated groan. “I don’t know what’s happening to me.” She was usually more articulate than this. Isabel had her at a loss for words.

“Well, she did express interest in you.”

“I don’t think I’m just responding to that. To be honest, I think I’ve felt this way about her for a while now.” Mira had never trusted her own memories or judgments much. She tended to second-guess herself, to talk herself into or out of things, and Dylan had worn away what little trust in herself she’d had. But even she could see it now: Every time she’d felt a tug toward Isabel in her body or her mind or her heart, she had talked herself out of considering the most obvious possibility.

Until the smile Isabel had given her yesterday. In one ordinary moment, Isabel had changed everything.

Still, the second-guessing was a hard habit to break. “Although, now that I think about it, I guess I have felt this way in the past. Not this strongly. Mostly with my female professors and TAs, and trans girls I really looked up to. Which makes me think that maybe it’s not…”

Vivian smiled. Mira said, “What?”

“I think this is the gayest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Vivian said. “I mean, aside from the fact that you U-Hauled with this woman before you even realized you liked each other. I’m convinced now.”

Mira snorted. Though the reminder that she and Isabel already lived together was ominous. “What are you talking about?”

“Listen to yourself. You’re obsessed with this question of whether you want someone or want to be her.”

“But I do want to be like Isabel. She’s amazing. I’m just saying, that doesn’t necessarily mean?—”

“Yeah, the fact that you think about how amazing she is all the time doesn’t mean anything.” Before Mira could reply, Vivian went on. “You know I’m worried about you?—”

“I know.”

“—but I do feel like it’s my responsibility to help you figure out if you like women. You know, for the community.” Mira smiled at that. “I don’t know, Mira. Do you only want to be like her? I can’t answer that for you.”

No, Mira did not. She wanted Isabel’s bravery and integrity. But when she saw Isabel’s broad shoulders and capable hands and thick thighs, her flannel shirts and work boots, Mira didn’t want those things for herself. She wanted to strip those clothes off and feel those muscles flexing and let those strong thighs spread her legs apart…

“And for what it’s worth,” Vivian said, “you can have both. You can have everything. I mean, you can have women as friends who are there for you no matter what, and you can be around women who help you do all the things you want to be brave enough to do, and you can have your little homoerotic crushes, like you did with your professors?—”

“That’s not?—”

“— and you can also date women and fuck them and fall in love with them, and get married, live happily ever after, have a bunch of lesbian drama, whatever. You don’t need permission from anyone. Especially not from me. You can have all that, if that’s what you want.”

Mira took a breath of chilly air. The river rippled, as unanswering as ever. Bare branches rustled overhead.

She’d gotten used to telling herself that she’d simply admired all those women from a distance. Just as the world constantly reminded her that she couldn’t demand better from the men she dated, it had tried to extinguish the part of her that ached to love women and be loved by them. But she didn’t have to accept it.

Maybe she could just have what she wanted. It sounded like the easiest and the hardest thing in the world.

It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t out of reach, either. In the last few months, something within her had changed. She was learning to treat herself like she mattered, like what she wanted mattered. Isabel had treated her that way from the moment she’d stepped between her and Dylan at the club. That was what Isabel had done for her. And Mira was finally starting to believe it, too.

“I guess I do like women,” she said. It was so obvious, in retrospect, that it hardly felt new at all. This precious part of her had been there all along.

Vivian put an arm around her as they walked. She held Mira close, almost tilting her off-balance. “Welcome.”

Mira laughed. This wasn’t a big revelation in the grand scheme of things. Transitioning in the first place had been the big upheaval in her life, and this was a small one in comparison. But she knew now that she was a woman who loved other women, and it felt good and right—like coming home to her apartment at the end of a long day.

But this left her with as many questions as answers. “I still don’t know what to do,” Mira said, leaning against her taller friend.

“About Isabel?”

Mira nodded. “It was easier when I didn’t know I liked her. I know she’s not Dylan. It’s just… I promised myself I wouldn’t date again for the foreseeable future for a reason. And, you know, I’m living in her apartment. I know it’s different, because we both pay rent and we’re both on the lease. And when she put up those shelves with me, I think I knew what she was trying to say. But ultimately, she’s older, and she makes more money than I do, and she’s just more secure in life than I am.”

Vivian didn’t argue with that. Mira sighed. “I just know that if something happened, she would survive. And I’m not sure I would. I’m scared that it would destroy me again.” She’d been afraid to voice the fear to herself, but now it was out in the open.

“Anyway, this is all presumptuous of me,” she added. Maybe she had been working herself up over nothing again. “I mean, just because Isabel has feelings for me, and I, um, I do for her, doesn’t mean anything’s going to happen. Isabel obviously has bigger problems to deal with. Maybe she just sees her feelings as a problem.” Isabel didn’t seem ashamed of being attracted to her, but the thought still hurt.

Something heated and raw and confusing had crackled between them last night. Mira could pretend it hadn’t happened. If she tried, Isabel would let her, and life would go on. But Mira wasn’t sure she wanted that, and now everything was infinitely more complicated.

Vivian squeezed her tighter. They were taking up most of the sidewalk, but Vivian was unfazed. “Whatever happens, I hope you’re not asking if it’s possible for this butch lesbian to fall in love with you and want to take care of you. Or whether you deserve it.”

Mira might have been asking herself that. “Isabel is not in love with me.”

“And you won’t be destroyed by it,” Vivian continued. “I don’t want Isabel to hurt you. But Dylan didn’t destroy you. He was just a pathetic, spineless loser at the end of the day. And, worst comes to worst, Isabel won’t, either.”

Mira stayed silent. She could believe in her own strength, more or less, on a good day. Hearing it from Vivian helped. Hearing it from Isabel had helped too. But ultimately, Mira had to believe it for herself.

“Anyway.” Vivian let go of her. Something else was coming. “Just because you like women doesn’t mean that you have to get married to the first dyke who’s nice to you and knows how to hang shelves.”

Mira laughed, but she bristled, too. “Are you saying I have low standards?”

“No.Not exactly.” Vivian pursed her lips. “I want you to have high standards for yourself. You can set the bar a lot higher than Dylan.”

“Isabel is actually really wonderful.” Mira was still hurt. “I’m not just?—”

“I know.”

“You don’t.”

Vivian paused. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. But you’re right to be worried. It would be messy if it didn’t work out. Although you’re always welcome to our couch.” Mira smiled faintly. “Here’s what I’m trying to say,” Vivian continued. “There are plenty of other women out there who would love the chance to treat you well. And some men, for that matter, though I’m not going to give you that speech again. This isn’t your only shot, is what I’m saying.”

“I guess so.” How could someone like Isabel want her? It was still sinking in. “It’s hard to think of myself that way right now.”

“You can take some time to get used to it. And, you know, if you just want to be with a bunch of other bi girls and lesbians, you can come to Volume with us again. You can stick with us, and we won’t let anyone bother you.”

“I’m not worried about seeing Dylan again.” Nearly all the fear had drained from her memory, and what remained was how comically pathetic he’d looked. That was a victory to savor, as small as it was. “That’s not what I’m afraid of. I felt like I didn’t fit in when I was there. Everyone else was so…” She sensed there was something , but she couldn’t point to any specific thing she lacked.

“I don’t think you should be worried about that,” Vivian said. “You should probably worry about being swarmed, instead.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Were you not paying any attention? I guess you weren’t. You were distracted and completely unapproachable when we went last time, which was understandable. And there were still probably half a dozen girls checking you out. You were just too sad and too straight to notice.”

“Really?” Mira didn’t dislike that news. It was flattering. But Isabel didn’t just look at her. Isabel saw her, and she couldn’t imagine anyone else’s attention mattering. And the way she had looked at Mira last night…

Vivian rolled her eyes. “You can come out and see for yourself, if you don’t believe me.”

Mira must have looked unconvinced. “I know you really care about Isabel,” Vivian said, more gently. “And I believe you when you say that she cares about you. I’m not telling you to come out to meet someone else, though you can, if you want. I’m telling you to come out, be around other girls like you, and take your mind off it for a while.”

Mira sighed. “I want to know something.”

“Yeah?”

“When I was with Dylan, you and Frankie always hated him, but you still listened to me and supported me the whole time I was with him. Instead of, I don’t know, just yelling at me every day to break up with him. And I know why. Because I wasn’t in a place where I could listen.”

Vivian nodded. Mira went on. “But I want to know—are you keeping something like that from me? I want to know if you think there’s something I should be doing, and you’re not telling me because you think I can’t handle it right now.”

They walked for a few steps in silence. Then Vivian said, “No.”

“Are you sure?”

“You know why I’m worried about you. But I think you should do what you want.” At that, Mira scoffed. “Just make sure it actually is what you want,” Vivian added. “I don’t think you actually wanted to be with Dylan, as opposed to some idea of Dylan you had in your head, and I said that to you at the time.”

“I don’t know what I want. That’s the whole problem.”

“What were you hoping I’d tell you to do?” Mira was struck by the question. “Maybe you should start with that.”