Make Room for Love

Chapter 22

22

It was a long train ride home, but Mira barely noticed it. She would never forget that kiss for as long as she lived. And the way Isabel had grabbed her… She’d forgotten how good it could feel to be touched. She’d sizzled at the contact. Even now, the memory of Isabel’s hands lingered all over her skin.

Her phone buzzed once every few minutes. She ignored it, and tried to ignore her guilt, too.

For one moment, she had done what she wanted, like Vivian had told her to. And now she couldn’t blame anyone but herself. The consequences were hers, and she had made everything worse. Life would be easier if she never wanted anything at all.

The kiss had been searing. At least Mira would never, ever doubt again that she liked women. But it hadn’t changed what mattered. Not the fact that Mira had no business getting into another relationship, let alone one with someone she lived with. Not the fact that they’d just signed a year-long lease together. Not the fact that they’d built a sweet, tentative friendship, one Mira had started to rely on, and Mira had just ruined it, because she couldn’t imagine simply being friends and roommates again after this kiss that had overturned her life.

She was deposited at her own train stop too soon. She couldn’t go back to the apartment; sooner or later, probably sooner, she’d have to face Isabel there. Better to avoid the consequences of her actions for a little longer.

Despite the cold, she walked past her apartment and continued toward the river.

Every awful scenario played itself out in her head. All variations on a theme: Isabel might be good to her now, but eventually she’d realize she didn’t have to be, whether that had already happened or would happen in a week or a month or a year, and then Mira would be trapped. And this time, it would hurt so much more. She had kept her wits partially about her with Dylan. But she had fallen too fast for Isabel, diving into the deep end, and now she was in danger of drowning.

Maybe it wouldn’t happen that way. Maybe Isabel would continue being good to her. Maybe her heart would be broken for one of a million other reasons. But her worst fears were coming to feast on the moment of joy she’d found outside the club, and now there was nothing left.

The park was deserted. Cars passed by with their blinding headlights, but no one would take a walk at this time of night in December. Mira’s breath fogged up as she walked along the river path. The lights of Manhattan glittered, remote and cold.

Her phone rang. Mira was paralyzed by guilt once again. Before she could decide whether to pick up, it went to voicemail.

She walked another few steps, then took out her phone with frozen fingers. She played the voicemail as she looked out at the dark, rippling water.

“Mira, I’m sorry,” Isabel said, her voice stiff. It was clear even in the tinny recording how much emotion she was suppressing. Mira was shaken. She liked seeing Isabel best in her moments of openness, laughing or crying, not holding back. Not like this. “I’m worried about you. Please tell me if you’re safe. Even if you don’t want to come home.” She inhaled shakily. The voicemail cut off.

Mira was a coward. Everything fell into place. Kissing Isabel at the club had been reckless, but it wasn’t the end of the world. Running away and ignoring Isabel’s messages, knowing how much Isabel cared about her safety, was so much worse.

The problem wasn’t that she’d done what she wanted. She hadn’t known what she wanted, and she’d done something halfway without following through, and now she’d hurt Isabel as well as herself.

Mira stared blankly at the river and the Manhattan skyline. The chill set in alongside her remorse. She wasn’t ready to go home yet.

But she could at least be brave enough to call.

Isabel picked up immediately. “Are you okay?” Her voice was threaded with panic.

“Yes, I’m okay. I’m so sorry for making you worried about me. I’m okay.”

Isabel exhaled. Her palpable relief made Mira’s insides twist in guilt. “I’m sorry, Mira. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry. If you don’t feel safe with me, I?—”

“What are you talking about?”

Silence on the line. “I thought you didn’t want me to kiss you. Or that I rushed into doing something you’ll regret, or?—”

“Isabel, I wanted it.” It was exhilarating to finally own up to what she wanted. No more second-guessing. “I wanted it so much. You have nothing to apologize for. I wanted to kiss you, and I don’t regret it.” She might not like all the consequences. But she’d never, ever regret that kiss.

“Oh.” Isabel’s voice trembled. “I was so afraid. Oh, god, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You didn’t hurt me, okay? I ran away because I didn’t know what I wanted and I was scared. Not scared of you. Are you in the apartment?” She could think through all this in the fifteen minutes it took to walk home, and then she and Isabel could work it out together. Maybe there was no way to make this work. But she owed it to Isabel, and herself, to at least figure out what she wanted.

“Yeah,” Isabel said. “Where are you?”

“I’m at the park.” At that, Isabel sucked in a breath. “Please don’t come get me, okay? Stay where you are. I’m coming home.”

Isabel sat stiffly on the couch, relief and fear both written on her face. Mira rushed to her and sat down. After a moment’s hesitation, she flung her arms around Isabel’s shoulders.

Isabel softened slightly in her arms and turned toward her. “I was worried about you.” Her thick, silky black hair brushed against Mira’s face. Her voice was level, but Mira knew better. There was panic underneath, and even anger.

“I know.” Mira held on tight. “I’m so sorry, Isabel. Please forgive me.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay,” Isabel said quietly.

It wasn’t enough. Isabel had truly been afraid for her, and afraid for what this meant for them. Mira simply hadn’t imagined this possibility: Isabel caring enough about her to be devastated when she’d disappeared. Her own fear had made her thoughtless, even cruel.

“You don’t have to say that,” Mira said. “I’m sorry for running away.” Isabel acknowledged that with the smallest nod. “I’m so glad I’m back here with you.”

Reluctantly, Mira let go and slipped her coat off. Isabel uncurled her limbs, and they wordlessly slid their arms around each other side-by-side on the couch. Mira tipped her head forward so their foreheads touched. If this was all they’d ever have, Mira would remember this moment even more than the kiss: holding Isabel, and being held.

But first, she had a lot to say. She disentangled herself from Isabel again. “I’ve been thinking about what I want.” It hadn’t been difficult to figure out. “I want to be honest with you.”

Hope and terror flared on Isabel’s face, making Mira ache. “What is it?”

“I want to give this a try.” Mira’s heart was pounding. “I’m scared, to be honest. I didn’t expect this to happen so soon. But I know I want you.” She flushed and dropped her gaze. Then she looked Isabel in the eye again. She needed to be brave. “I can’t pretend this didn’t happen and go back to the way things were. I don’t know what this means or what we’re going to do. But I really, really want you. You’re so strong and capable and caring, and I’ve never met anyone like you. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone this much.”

Isabel turned away. The words rang between them. “Are you okay?” Mira asked.

She didn’t know what Isabel wanted. So much was still unspoken between them. If Isabel didn’t actually want this—well, at least Mira would have been honest, both to Isabel and to herself, and she would survive.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” Isabel said flatly. “I want to be with you, too. You have no idea. I want you so much it scares me.” She still wasn’t looking at Mira. “You didn’t know this would happen when you moved in with me.”

“Neither did you.” Mira smiled. “Unless you really did rescue me just to seduce me, in which case I wouldn’t complain.”

Isabel smiled back, but only for a moment. “I mean, with your ex. I’m worried you’re going to feel trapped here, like you did with him, and that it won’t be easy for you to leave. I hate knowing it’s not fair to you.”

“I’ve thought about this, too. Let’s just talk about it honestly, okay?” Mira took a deep breath. They were getting to the hard part. “I do really want to try this. But I also need to be able to leave. Leave this apartment, and leave you.” Isabel tensed up—almost imperceptibly, but Mira was attuned to her every movement. “I trust you. I know you won’t abuse me or try to control me with your money. But I need to know the option is there.”

“Of course.” Isabel’s expression was familiar: in pain, and trying to not show it. “I’ll do everything within my power that you ask me to do, if it comes to that. I promise that to you.” She hesitated. “I know you don’t want my money. But I’ll help you move, I’ll help you find a new place, I’ll find someone to take your room. Anything.”

She spoke calmly about the logistics of Mira leaving her, as though she’d thought about it too. Mira slipped an arm around her broad shoulders again. Promises could be broken, but Isabel had given her enough reasons to trust her, and Mira couldn’t live in fear forever.

“I believe you,” Mira said. Isabel relaxed against her. “You’ve been so good to me, Isabel. You’ve been a good friend. You make me feel safe, and you’ve made me stronger and braver, and I’ve healed so much since I moved in.” She didn’t want Isabel dwelling only on how she could hurt Mira. “I didn’t know how much I needed it until I met you.”

Saying what she needed even though she was afraid—she couldn’t have done this three months ago. The seed of that change had been inside her all along, but Isabel had watered it, too. Isabel had reminded her that she owed it to herself to talk to her coworkers, no matter how much it terrified her. Isabel had taken her seriously from the beginning, and Isabel was taking her seriously even now.

“What do you want from me, Mira?” Isabel asked.

Mira steeled herself. She owed both of them her answer. “I think we should take things slow. And I know we already live together, which makes that difficult.” They exchanged uneasy smiles. “You know I just got out of the worst relationship of my life. I can’t handle anything serious or committed right now. I guess that means…we should keep things casual.” The word wasn’t right. She yearned for Isabel, and she was afraid for herself, and casual was such an inadequate way to split the difference. But it was all she had.

Isabel nodded solemnly. “But I want to keep spending time with you,” Mira continued. “I, um, I loved kissing you.” She was understating it, and blushing like a schoolgirl, too. She’d kissed lots of people. Discussing it like this was something else. “I think I would need to ease into the physical side of things. It’s not easy for me to have sex with anyone new. But I do want it. I want to try it with you.”

Even saying the words made heat spread through her body. She wanted to feel safe and cared for during sex, and she wanted Isabel to fuck her until she couldn’t stand. Maybe she could actually have that, and not only as a fantasy locked up in her head.

“I want that too,” Isabel said, a low, urgent note in her voice. She added, “If you just want sex…”

She didn’t sound happy about it. “That’s not what I meant,” Mira said. Asking for kissing and sex was already extravagant, but she wanted even more. “I want to spend time with you and get to know you. In the way people date and get to know each other when they don’t, um—don’t already live together.” She hesitated. “If we need to discuss apartment things, then we can do it as roommates. But other times…” How much more did she want? Maybe she could figure it out along the way.

“Do you want to keep things the way they are, aside from when I take you out?” Isabel asked.

No.Mira didn’t want that either. The prospect of Isabel taking her on dates was wonderful. But the idea of not being able to kiss Isabel at home at breakfast, at dinner, before bed, whenever she wanted was unbearable. “No.I don’t think I’d be able to keep my hands off you.”

Isabel’s eyes widened. So did Mira’s. Had she just said that aloud? Isabel smiled—her first real smile tonight, and such a lovely one, too. Now that Mira allowed herself to do it, every moment of looking at Isabel was a gift.

“Can I kiss you right now?” Isabel asked.

Mira nodded. They kissed again. It was sweet and slow, and the way Isabel cradled her jaw was delicious, making her whimper and melt. Isabel was clearly restraining herself, and Mira matched her even though she wanted more.

Then Isabel pulled back like she was rationing their kisses. “You can keep going,” Mira said.

“Later.” Isabel didn’t seem like she wanted to wait any more than Mira did. “After we’re finished.” Her face turned serious again. “You can decide whenever you want that we’re done. And you can move out whenever you want. I mean it. I won’t ask anything else of you.”

The pain in her eyes had returned. Mira didn’t like thinking about leaving, either. But the words reassured her, and they made her want to get closer, knowing she could walk away. Isabel would be good to her through the end.

“Thank you,” Mira said, truly grateful. Something occurred to her. “If I leave, I won’t do it like when I ran away from you tonight. That wasn’t fair to you.”

Isabel looked away. “You don’t owe me anything.”

Mira tugged her hand, urging her to make eye contact again. “I’m going to try to be as good to you as I can, even if it doesn’t work out.” She wished she could promise Isabel more. Not just for Isabel’s sake, but for her own. But it was too easy to be pulled under, and she had to keep her head above water. “I want this to work.”

Isabel was silent for a few seconds, her face hinting at emotions Mira couldn’t discern. “I do, too,” Isabel said finally. “Can I kiss you again?”

The way she asked for permission was so gentle. She didn’t have to, but Mira liked it. She nodded.

Isabel turned her body toward Mira, and Mira cupped her face, and they kissed again. It was a slow, hot kiss, heating Mira to her center and making her ache for more. When they pulled apart, they were both panting. Mira was as wild as she’d been earlier tonight, seeing Isabel in her leather jacket outside the club again and boiling with desire she finally had a name for.

“I want you so much,” Mira said. Isabel’s breath hitched. She leaned in, their lips brushing together. “I want you—” Mira was muffled by a kiss. “I want you to teach me everything. I want you to do everything to me.” Saying it aloud was making her desperately turned on.

Isabel growled. She pushed Mira against the back of the couch, tipped Mira’s head back, and kissed her neck, swirling her tongue and gently nipping at Mira’s skin. Mira gasped, her body lighting up, her nipples tightening against her lacy bra. She squirmed and squeezed her legs together. Isabel hadn’t even gotten her clothes off, and she was already molten with pleasure.

“I went out tonight to try to take my mind off you, but I couldn’t think about anything else,” Isabel murmured against her sensitive skin. Mira quivered. She needed Isabel to tear her clothes off and put that mouth all over her. “You’re so gorgeous, Mira. I…”

She caught Mira’s mouth in a kiss again, saying whatever she couldn’t say in words. For all her hardness, her mouth was wonderfully soft, and she knew exactly what to do with her tongue. Jolts of electricity raced up Mira’s spine, and the ache between her legs surged.

She ran her hand through Isabel’s luxurious hair, then over the powerful, shifting muscles of her back, then over the hot, exposed strip of skin between her T-shirt and her waistband. Isabel moaned against her mouth—such a gorgeous reaction. Mira’s hand wandered back up, and she gently stroked the underside of one of Isabel’s soft, heavy breasts. Isabel let out a surprisingly high whimper. Then Mira found Isabel’s nipple, hard through her bra, and Isabel made that delicious sound again?—

She pulled away. Mira blinked, hazy with arousal, still thinking about pulling Isabel’s T-shirt off. “Sorry,” she said, after a second.

Isabel’s breathing was ragged. A sweet rosy blush had risen on her cheeks. “It’s fine. It’s just… You said you wanted to take things slow.”

“I guess so.” Mira was flushed, too, and her heartbeat pulsed between her thighs. Self-consciousness came over her. She never acted or talked like this. Had she ever wanted sex so badly in her life?

“I want you so much, Mira.” Isabel’s gaze burned. She leaned in for one more tender kiss, which turned into a few desperate, hot kisses, and then a series of more small kisses when they couldn’t bring themselves to pull away.

“Do we have to stop?” Mira said, her mouth an inch from Isabel’s, their foreheads touching. A line of Catullus drifted into her mind, and she smiled to herself—of course a thousand kisses wouldn’t be enough.

“If you want to go slow, we should wait.” Isabel didn’t look like she wanted to.

“How long?” Truthfully, Mira wasn’t sure if she could wait another five minutes.

“Will you let me take you out to dinner first?”

Mira laughed. Isabel saying she wasn’t honorable had been an absurd lie. “You don’t have to be chivalrous about it. You can do whatever you want to me right now.”

Isabel closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again. “Next Friday. I want to have plenty of time for you.”

Six days. Isabel might as well have said six years. “Can we still kiss?”

Isabel grinned. She leaned in and gave Mira a teasing kiss. Then came another, and another…

Isabel pulled away. “You’re not making this easy.” Her lips brushed Mira’s cheek, and Mira shivered. “We should talk about a few more things first. And it’s been a long night.” Another gentle kiss on the cheek. “I promise I’ll make it worth your wait.”