Meeting Mr. Christmas (Collier’s Creek Christmas)

Chapter 20

CHAPTER TWENTY

Jed hunched over his coffee in CC’s, the breakfast pastry he’d bought untouched as his stomach twisted and turned.

“Fuck…” He ran his fingers through his hair, clenching so hard a burn chased across his scalp and down his spine. What had seemed so natural, so right between him and Noel, was now a loud, screeching voice hammering in his skull, throwing question after question at him, questions to which as he slumped in the corner of the coffee shop, cheery Christmas music in the background, he had no answers.

Where did it leave them now?

Where would the friendship that had been the defining feature of his life go from here?

The kiss at the party. They’d shrugged it off. Or kind of. But last night? How could they shrug that away?

Everything had changed. The landscape of his life was suddenly so different, with no signposts for where to go next.

He pulled off a piece of the pastry, but it never met his lips as he let it drop from his fingers. The door jangled open, bringing with it a blast of freezing air along with noise and commotion.

“Hey, Jed.” Jordan slumped down in the seat next to him and grinned.

Jed silently groaned. He didn’t want company, especially company as loud and boisterous as Jordan Ellis’. The guy had always skated on the edge of trouble, but his smile and charm had always made sure he never tumbled over it. Or not too often.

“I saw you at the bash last night. Man, it was crazy busy. You look like you had a heavy night. Spend too much time in the beer garden, huh? Reckon you need a bucket of coffee, not a cup. Rogue, over here,” Jordan called, his voice loud enough to make Jed wince, as the door crashed open. “I was telling Jed he looks like shit.”

Nick Levine, but known as Rogue to those who knew him well, always tagged along with whatever mischief Jordan was busy brewing, slapped Jed on the back as he fell into the seat next to Jordan. Both of them grinned at him across the table, full of sunshine and as bright as the morning sky. He couldn’t bear it; he needed to tell them to take a hike.

“Look guys, I?—”

“Where’s Noel?” Rogue looked around, head twisting from side to side, as though he expected Noel to pop up from behind the counter, or burst out from the Staff Only door.

“Why d’ya ask?” Jed snapped.

Rogue jerked back, shock making his eyes wide. “Take it easy, okay?”

Jordan leaned forward, his face thunderous, eyebrows drawn down in a hard V.

“Sorry,” Jed mumbled. “You’re right, it was a heavy night.” He glanced at Jordan and tried to smile, and Jordan’s stormy expression relented a tad. “Noel’s at home I guess.” Curled up in bed, sound asleep, his lips curved up in the softest of smiles, a smile that’d fade when he woke up and found himself alone, and all because he’d panicked, his heart racing, his stomach knotting as he’d thrown on his clothes and fled.

“Just used to seeing you guys hanging out together all the time, is all,” Jordan said, his voice gruff. His hand landed on Jed’s shoulder, adding to the weight that was already crushing him. “We’ll leave you to your sore head. More coffee, and aspirin, that’s my advice.”

Jordan and Rogue made their way to the counter, laughing and joking with Cam, and Jed tried not to notice the glances thrown his way as he hunched some more, and gripped his cup as though his life depended on it.

Deep in his pocket, his cell pinged as a message dropped in. His heart stuttered. Had Noel woken up, wondering where he was, wondering what the hell was going on? He could ignore it, but that made him feel worse if that were even possible.

He could be a dick, he knew that, even though it wasn’t something he was proud of. But he’d never, ever been deeply ashamed of anything he’d done. And he wasn’t ashamed now, not about what had happened between him and Noel. No, what shamed him was being a coward, for not being there with Noel when he woke up, and all because he was too scared, too much of a fucking coward to face the morning after the night before.

He pulled his cell out, bracing himself for what he might see. A rush of air burst through his lips and his shoulders sagged. Not Noel, but his mom. They’d just got home, cutting their visit by a day to avoid the forecast heavy snow. He pushed himself up against the weight that wanted to shove him back down again. A shower and a change of clothes, before lying back on his single bed to stare at the ceiling, trying to untangle his knotted thoughts as he worked out what the hell he was going to do next.

“Jed? Jed!”

Jed jerked up to sitting, his head snapping one way then the other, his confused and jumbled dreams already fading fast.

“What? I was asleep,” he croaked, running his hands through his hair.

“You need to wake up.” Her voice filtered through the closed door of Jed’s bedroom. “Your dad and I have some errands to run. Noel’s here. Shall I send him up?”

“No!” Jed leaped from the bed; lightheaded and swaying, he grabbed the nightstand, the towel he was still wearing from his shower slipping to the floor.

“Then come down. There’s hot chocolate for you both. And some of Great Aunt Wendy’s cookies. They’re a little burned around the edges and hard enough to crack a tooth, but the poor thing tries.” His mom’s voice, getting louder, and footsteps on the stairs. He launched himself towards the door, dragging a chair across and ramming it under the handle before she could burst in. Sweat beaded his skin, his chest rising and falling in shallow breaths.

On the other side of the door, his mom’s voice was barely a whisper. “Don’t be long. Noel, he looks kind of funny. Not himself, but I can’t work out why. He says he’s not coming down with anything, but I don’t know. Maybe he needs a good meal? Bye, dear.”

Minutes later, Jed paused outside the kitchen door and bit down on the edge of his thumbnail. They had to talk, and he needed to explain, somehow, why he’d run away… Jesus, how could he even begin to explain to Noel when he could hardly explain it to himself?

Sitting at the kitchen table, Noel clutched his hot chocolate, all his attention on the battered dog basket in the corner where Peter and Gomer cuddled up together.

“Hey,” Jed rasped.

Noel turned to him, and Jed’s heart clenched. Not himself was an understatement. Noel’s face was completely drained of color, and his normally bright blue eyes were dull, with bloodshot whites. Jed bunched his hands, holding back against the urge to pull Noel into a hug and demand to know what the hell was wrong. Because he knew what was wrong. They were wrong. He had made them wrong. Everything was different now, the morning after the goddamn night before.

“Hi. Erm…” Noel paused, just a beat, before he took a deep breath and plowed on. “I think maybe we should talk. About last night.”

Jed nodded as he pulled out a chair and slumped down into it. He stared down at the table, unable to meet Noel’s eyes. Too fucking ashamed for being a coward… “I’m sorry. About leaving this morning, before you woke up, I mean. I… I shouldn’t have just left like that,” he whispered, his gaze following the tip of his finger as it traced the grain of the old wooden table.

“No, you shouldn’t have. But don’t worry, because you’re not the first guy who’s made a run for it.”

Jed’s head jerked upwards, the sharpness in Noel’s voice forcing him to meet his gaze. No way was he the same as all those loser ex-boyfriends of Noel’s. He swallowed hard. No, he wasn’t the same. He was way, way worse.

“Noel… Look, okay, I know I did a really shitty thing just leaving like that, but last night… When I woke up, I kind of panicked, I guess. Because I’ve never done stuff like that. With a guy.”

“So what was it? What made you decide last night was the time to try? Was I some sort of experiment?”

“No!” Jed jumped up. Thrusting his fingers through his hair, he paced the kitchen. “I don’t know what it was, and that’s god’s honest truth. It just happened. Neither of us planned it, right? I’ve heard about stuff like this happening. About straight guys who sometimes?—”

“Sometimes what? Cross over the border to see what all the hype’s about before heading back home where everything’s safe and familiar? I’m not some kind of exotic tourist destination, Jed.”

“For fuck’s sake Noel, there’s no way I’d ever treat you like that,” Jed burst out, his words full of anger and indignation as he swung around and stared into Noel’s dull, tired eyes, which refused to flinch. The heat within him cooled as quickly as it had flared. He had no damn right to even a teaspoon of anger.

In the corner of the kitchen, curled together in the basket, Gomer and Peter whimpered.

Jed dropped to his haunches, stroking and petting both dogs, hoping to calm them down as much as himself. “Hey, boys. Nothing to be worried about, okay?” His words sounded like a bad joke. With a sigh that felt like it took all his strength, Jed returned to the table, letting his head fall forward into his hands. “You’re not a tourist destination, and I’m no tourist either,” he said quietly. “You’ve got to believe me.” Jed looked up, praying to see that belief reflected in Noel’s eyes, but all that stared back at him was a sadness so deep it stopped the breath in his chest.

“What you said about straight guys, I’ve heard that too,” Noel said slowly, carefully, as though he were assessing and weighing each word. “Which did kind of make me an experiment, whatever you say. But… we’d had too much to drink. Can’t be anything else, can it? Because I know you’re not gay. Are you? Or even bi? Course you’re not. Always known that.”

“I…” Too much to drink… Maybe that was all it came down to. The words tasted like the lies they were. “Noel, look—” Jed struggled to force out the words, but Peter, scrambling up from the basket, began to whine and paw at Noel, demanding to be picked up, cutting them away. The little dog pressed himself into Noel, darting looks Jed’s way before looking back to Noel. It was as though the tiny doxie could sense the tension and suffocating heaviness in the warm kitchen.

Noel got to his feet, holding Peter close. “I brought back your work clothes.” He nodded to a bag in the corner. “You forgot them when you left.”

Jed flinched. He had forgotten them, not when he left but when he’d fled , intent on running away, not from Noel, but from himself.

“We’re still friends, right? Best buds? Always have been, always will be.” Pathetic words, but they were the only ones he had. Noel said nothing as fear gripped Jed. Fear that Noel would shake his head, that he’d say no, that their friendship was screwed. Inseperable, that’s what everybody said they were… His life without that connection to Noel, it was like looking into an icy ravine he couldn’t see the bottom of, and he shivered.

“Sure,” Noel said, his voice flat as he put a protesting Peter on the floor so he could shrug on his own coat.

Panic seized Jed. Noel couldn’t go, they couldn’t leave it — whatever it was. There was so much they had to talk about, not that he had a fucking clue how to say any of it.

“Don’t go. Stay and have breakfast. Or we can go out and eat?”

Noel shook his head. “I’ve got work to do.”

“On Sunday?”

Noel shrugged.

“Later, then? Or tomorrow? We could have a—” Movie night? Yeah, right. “Go and have a beer at Randy’s?”

Noel huffed out a laugh, giving Jed his are you really such a moronic jock? look he knew so well.

“Okay, Randy’s was a bad idea. Then what about the new place you like? Has all those imported beers and plays jazz?”

“Odette’s. And you don’t like jazz.”

“But you do.”

Noel shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe. I’ve got a lot of stuff to finish before the holiday, and you’re busy in the store. Let’s leave it for now. Christmas is just a few days away. I’ll see you then. I guess.”

“What do you mean, I guess? ” But Jed knew. The writhing, tightening knots in his stomach told him he knew.

“Don’t you think me joining you and your parents might be a little awkward?”

“Not as awkward as you not coming. Jesus, Noel.” Hey Mom, hey Dad, Noel and I slept together, so he thinks it ’ s better he stays home alone this year. Happy Christmas! Panicky, irrational laughter, out of place and unwanted, bubbled up inside him. He sucked in a deep breath and swallowed it down. “Of course I want to spend the holiday with you. Please.”

Noel looked away and shrugged. “I guess it’s easier than trying to find a reason to give to your mom… Sure, I’ll see you then.”

“Noel—”

But Noel was already rushing along the hallway, clutching Peter hard, not looking back as he reached the front door and let it slam closed behind him.