Meeting Mr. Christmas (Collier’s Creek Christmas)

Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Noel stared out at the snow, which fell halfheartedly as though it couldn’t make up its mind. He turned away and pulled the drapes closed with a hard tug. The weather wasn’t all that couldn’t make up its mind.

Flopping onto the couch, he pushed aside his half-eaten sandwich. He wasn’t hungry, didn’t know when he’d be hungry again; or not for food. As far as Jed was concerned, he’d starve, because what had happened between them was just, when it came down to it, something that happened between guys. No biggie, because it didn’t matter, right?

Wrong. So damn wrong, Noel wanted to weep.

A sad little whimper snagged his attention. Peter had been needy and whiny all day, even before Noel had fled the Mason house, head down, not wanting Jed to see the tears in his eyes.

“Come here, boy.” Noel buried his face in Peter’s warm, soft fur, taking comfort from the little body burrowing close. At least this guy wanted him. “Was I stupid to hope, Peter? Was I stupid to think that last night meant something, that Jed wanted me the way I wanted him? That he felt for me what I’ve always felt for him?”

Peter snuggled closer.

Hope. All the years, going back to when they were just kids and that first inkling, that first stirring in the pit of his stomach, that he was different. Other kids, or at least the mean ones, had picked up on his differentness and had marked him down as a target, not reckoning on having to tackle Jed first.

Jed, who’d always been there for him, always ready with a great big hug, or a protective arm around his shoulders, making him laugh when the world hadn’t felt like it contained much for him to be happy about. Jed, whom he’d loved and adored and craved so damn much it hurt. And still did, even though he wanted so hard to be angry with him, and tell him to go to hell. Yet as much as he wanted to stoke his anger, he couldn’t. Instead, all he felt was sad. Every man Noel had kissed, every man he’d touched and who’d touched him in return, every man he’d fucked and who’d fucked him back, every time he’d come, eyes squeezed tight, every breath ragged, it had always been Jed’s face he’d seen, Jed’s name on his lips daring him to scream it out loud.

“Oh, Peter, what am I going to do? How can we go back to being how we were?”

Peter replied with a wet nosed nuzzle into Noel’s neck.

“I don’t know if I have the strength to try to pretend everything’s the same as before, because it isn’t, is it? How can it be? Jed’s not interested in finding out if there could be more between us than best buds. Because he ran out like his balls were on fire.” Noel nodded when Peter whined his surprise. “Oh, yes. I know for sure he didn’t brush a soft and loving kiss on my hair before quietly taking his leave. And do you know how I know that? Do you?”

Peter cocked his head.

“Because I was awake. And I heard him. I heard him say oh my god. That’s what he said, Peter. Oh. My. God.”

Peter slapped an oversized, clumsy paw against Noel’s chest, just where his bruised and broken heart was, and Noel blinked the tears from his eyes.

“I can’t explain what happened, and I damn well know he can’t, despite all the talk about straight guys sometimes doing the gay guys’ thing.” Noel huffed and shook his head. “Never been any sign of that before. I don’t know, Peter, I really don’t. Maybe it was the booze, giving him the courage to experiment? Maybe it really is that straightforward. The time, the place, and the opportunity for a curious straight guy, crossing to the other side of the tracks just to see what it’s like. Because he’s read about that stuff, right? I wasn’t exactly fighting him off, was I? But I can’t be his… his experiment, Peter, I just can’t. I don’t feel like I know much at all at the moment, but there are two things I do know. And do you know what they are? Do you?”

Peter bounced up and down, his stubby front paws scrabbling at the air as he let loose a volley of sharp little barks.

“I’ve got to operate. I’ve got to be like a surgeon. It’s gonna hurt, but it’s got to be done. We can’t be tied to together like we are anymore, because all the time I’m tethered to Jed, I’ll never really be free to find somebody to love and who loves me back the way I want and need to be loved. I’ve got to accept that Jed can only ever be my friend — best friend, sure, but just a friend. Nothing more. It’ll be weird for a while, but it is what it is.” Noel stroked Peter’s silky fur. “He had his chance, Peter,” he whispered. “Last night and again this morning, the door was open for him to tell me he wanted to take a chance with me. But he didn’t because he can’t.

“A straight boy falling in love with his gay best friend? It’s just a stupid fantasy, it’s not real life. Maybe I’ve been reading too many gay romances or watching too many movies. It’s all make believe, Peter, that’s all it is. Before I know it, he’ll have another pretty girlfriend on his arm, but this time I won’t look on and smile, all the time wishing it was me. As much as it rips my heart into pieces, I know what I have to do.” He put Peter down and picked up his cell and scrolled through to Love Heartz.

Peter barked, wriggled onto his back — and farted.