Meeting Mr. Christmas (Collier’s Creek Christmas)

Chapter 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Lucian locked the door and turned the sign to Closed.

“I really am sorry for keeping you here for so long today, Jed, especially when I’d promised to close up early, but the sudden Christmas Eve rush, all those husbands and boyfriends suddenly remembering they’d bought gifts for the kids, or the parents, but nothing for the wife or girlfriend. Or husband or boyfriend.” Lucian grinned. “You come to recognize the signs. There’s fear and panic in their eyes, but it’s good for business. I’ll make sure my appreciation’s fully reflected in your next paycheck.”

Jed shrugged. “I was happy to stay.”

The explosion of last-minute custom had kept him busy, banishing, if only temporarily, the vision of Noel leaning in, lips parting for a kiss… He scrubbed his fingers through his hair. Jesus, how was he going to get through Christmas Day, with Noel sitting next to him, when there was so much unfinished business between them?

“Jed? Are you okay? You haven’t been your usual self today. Or the last few, if I’m honest. Is there anything the matter? I’m happy to help if I possibly can.”

“I—just got a few things on my mind, is all. They’ll sort themselves out.” Jed tried to smile, but his lips weren’t listening.

“ O-kay .” Lucian stretched out the word, his gaze resting on Jed’s and telling him he didn’t believe a word. But why should he, when Jed didn’t believe it himself?

Lucian’s phone pinged a message, his eyes lighting up and a soft smile lifting his lips as he keyed in a response. “That was Arlo.” Lucian looked up as a light flush bloomed over his cheeks. “You know, even now I can’t believe we ever got together. We’re just so different. Still, if we can make it work, anybody can,” he said, pocketing his phone.

Jed shrugged his coat on and started to button up, but his fingers slowed before stopping altogether. We ’ re just so different… if we can make it work anybody can… The offer to talk, to unload some of what was weighing him down, to ask questions he’d never even asked of himself. His mouth was a desert and his lips cracked leather as he turned to Lucian.

“I… there is something…” Jesus, how to even begin?

Lucian smiled. It was inviting and encouraging, and the need to talk to somebody who’d not judge as he unburdened himself became too much for Jed to resist.

“Come in the back. I’ll put the kettle on because in times of crisis, a cup of tea and a Hobnob are mandatory requirements.”

Turning off the lights in the front of the store — to deter any last-minute panicky shoppers from hammering on the door, Lucian said — they made their way into the back.

Jed breathed in deep. All the scents of the store seemed to be concentrated in this space. The floral perfumes were deeper and richer, the greenery cutting through fresher and sharper. The combined scents were always a sensory tonic, both calming and energizing. But not today, not in this very minute, and as Jed chewed on the side of his thumb, he’d never ever felt so unsure, so lost.

“Here you are. Standard breakfast tea. And rather strong. In the UK, strong tea’s called builder’s tea. Have I told you that before? I’m sure I have. Cures everything. It’s rather like the British version of chicken soup, but in tea form. If you see what I mean. Hobnob?”

Across the long, scarred work bench, Lucian thrust the packet of sweet oat biscuits towards him. Biscuits, most certainly not cookies, as Lucian had scolded on more than one occasion. Jed shook his head. He felt his stomach clench so tight that he didn’t think he’d be able to eat a thing. Lucian’s steady gaze met his own, and panic bubbled up inside him. He was under the spotlight, in the crosshairs, and his palms were sweating. There was no place to go and nowhere to hide, and the enormity of what he wanted to say lodged in his throat, making it hard for him to breathe.

“Hmmm, perfect.” Lucian sighed as he took a sip of his drink, before he slipped from his seat and began to tidy up, not rushing but taking his time. “So, what’s got you tied up in knots?” Lucian asked, his back to Jed, as he washed down a surface in long, slow sweeps. “Whatever it is, there’ll be a way to unravel them.”

Jed swallowed down the lump that stuck in his throat. His heart was hammering, but taking slow and steady breaths, he began to calm.

Lucian, his back still turned, poured some drops of liquid from a small bottle into an electric infuser; almost instantly, the heady, rich perfume of lavender filled the room.

“Soothes the senses and the soul, and calms the heart and mind.” Lucian moved around lightly, gathering together the discarded ends of stems from cut blooms. “We have a huge field, in England I mean, at the family home. It’s full of lavender, which we sell to local artisans who use the oils to make soaps and perfumes. You can even make cakes using lavender. When the crop was at its peak, I’d stand in the field at dusk and just breathe it in, and somehow it smoothed over all my anxieties, which were many and varied, and made me see a way through whatever thoughts and feelings were paralyzing me at the time.”

Jed breathed in the rich scent. Lucian remained silent as he quietly moved around. The regular tick of the wall clock, the cozy warmth, and the rich and soporific perfume of the essential oil, all of it together unlocked the door to what he needed to say; all he had to do was to push it open.

“How do you know when you’ve fallen in love?”

Lucian turned around and leaned back against the sink. Jed looked down, unable to meet Lucian’s gaze.

“Noel. I wondered how long it would take you to realize.”

Jed jerked back, his head snapping up. “What? I never said… I never said it was him…” He leaned forward and let his head drop into his hands. What was the point of trying to back pedal or deny he was talking about his best bud, who was so much more than that and always had been if only he’d had the courage to be truly honest with himself? Wasn’t that why he was here, to try to find some landmarks, some signposts to point the way in a landscape that was so much unmapped territory?

“Jed, if you’re worried you’ve been walking around with a big sign hanging around your neck saying ‘I Love Noel’, accompanied by a big red heart, then don’t be. Are you sure you wouldn’t like a Hobnob? They really do help in times of personal crisis.”

Jed laughed, Lucian’s off the wall rambling and his big compassionate smile loosening all the iron hard knots that had been holding him tight.

“Sure.” He pulled one from the packet, the crunchy, sugary hit making him hum in appreciation. It was the first thing he’d eaten all day, and now he realized how hungry he was.

“To go back to your original question,” Lucian said, as he settled into a chair on the other side of the table, “I could say it’s when you can’t stop thinking about that one person all the time. Or that they’re who you want to see first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. I can even add that when you’re together, your heart sings, the butterflies in your stomach won’t stop fluttering those bloody annoying wings of theirs, and the world becomes a better place for being bathed in the sweet warmth of your love.”

“Oh, erm…”

Lucian chuckled. “Or that’s what all the gushier romances say it’s like. But, there’s a lot of truth in that. Okay, maybe not so much the bathing in sweet warmth part.”

Jed smiled. “Not sure Noel would agree with you on that point, because he’s an unashamed romance junkie.” His smile dropped away as nerves reasserted themselves. “Can—can I ask what it was like for you and Arlo? You two are so different, you said it yourself, so how did you know, and I mean really know, that he was who you were meant to be with?”

Lucian cocked his head as he thought for a moment. “I think it was when I realised that when I wasn’t with him, I felt all wrong. Incomplete, I suppose, as though something was missing. When we were together, it was as though the two last pieces of a jigsaw puzzle had locked into place. Without Arlo, I was just an incomplete picture. And still am. That’s not changed and it never will.”

Jed nodded. Wasn’t that how he felt? Wasn’t it how he’d always felt for as long as he could remember? Joined at the hip. It was really just another way of saying that he and Noel were each other’s missing part of the puzzle.

“You know, Jed, there’s no road map when it comes to loving somebody, no one or right way to find your way to them. How it is for me, or anybody else, won’t necessarily be the same for you.”

Lucian rubbed the back of his neck, his brow creasing as he stared down at the table. He looked up, his gaze steady and direct as it met Jed’s own. Jed’s heart picked up the pace, unsure of the turn the conversation was about to take.

“I always knew I was gay. Same for Arlo. But there’s an elephant in the room, isn’t there?”

“I don’t understand?—”

Lucian held his hand up, and Jed fell silent.

“You’ve always dated girls. If you’re curious, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be with a guy, if there’s a part of you that wants to explore and experiment, if that’s at the heart of this, then go explore, go experiment. Just don’t do it with Noel. Don’t put that rock solid friendship you have at risk because true friendship, like true love, is a scarce commodity in this world.”

A bead of sweat meandered down the V of Jed’s backbone. The lavender infused air turned heavy and sickly, making it hard to breathe. He swallowed and forced the words through lips that had become arid and rough.

“This isn’t me wanting to… to experiment. I’d never do that to him. Sure, I’ve always dated girls. I like girls, I like them a lot. I just like Noel a whole lot more.”

“Noel in particular, or guys more generally? You need to think before you answer.”

Jed shook his head. “Not guys. I’ve never been interested, haven’t ever thought about… you know. Men just don’t do it for me.”

“Except for one very particular man.”

“Yes,” Jed croaked. “He’s always come first. Whenever I was with other friends or on a date, I’d always be wishing I was with Noel instead. He’s always who I’ve wanted to be with more than anybody and… and I just can’t see that changing.” Jed raked his trembling fingers through his hair. The words were coming faster and harder, like a river breaching a dam. “He’s been dating again, and I hate that, just like I’ve hated all his boyfriends. Because they took him away from me. I told myself, and him, they were all losers, but they weren’t. Because I was the loser. I was the loser because it wasn’t me who was with him. What I feel about Noel , what I’ve always felt for him , I just didn’t have the guts to face head on. It’s not about wanting to experiment or explore. He’s not some sort of exotic ice cream flavor I want to taste before saying, no, reckon I’ll stick with vanilla. Fuck. Ice cream? What the hell am I saying?” Jed slumped over the table and covered his head with his arms.

The crinkle of cellophane, the rustle of tissue paper, the opening and closing of the cooler. He sat upright, and watched as Lucian tended to the single red rose, giving it as much attention as he would the grandest of bouquets.

“A beautiful red rose, the flower of love. It’s the only one left. I think it needs to go to a good home, don’t you?”

“What—”

Lucian pushed the exquisitely presented rose across the table towards Jed. “That road map I talked about. You’re holding it in your hands, and have been for years. All you need to do is follow it and it’ll take you to where you’re meant to be. Go find Noel, Jed, and tell him how much you love him.”