Merry Little Hate Notes

Chapter Twenty-Five

HOLLY

I STARED OUT MY CAR window at our office building, dread building up inside of me like the condensation creeping up the glass. Jane and Krista were going to nail me in the bathroom. I saw all the looks Friday after Brandon and I almost freaking kissed in front of all our coworkers. If the dang man would just give me his TED Talk, we wouldn’t be in this situation. The longing between us was getting ridiculous, as were Brandon’s excuses for making sure we were never alone. Oh, I was so on to him. He was afraid if we were alone, we’d have to confront the enormous elephant in the room—our past.

For being so smart, he was kind of dumb. Obviously, I was there for our first kiss and knew he’d been a “jerk” about it. But I couldn’t have made it any clearer that I was into him now, so why didn’t he just tell me the truth, end this torture, and kiss me already? While the tension was oh, so yummy, it was winding so tightly it was about to snap and smack us both in the face.

Admittedly, it was fun to watch him squirm and come up with every reason in the book for us not to be alone. Let’s see, Friday night we went to the planetarium with his parents and watched a holiday laser light show. We spent Saturday making holiday crafts with the cutest kids at the group home. Yesterday, we froze at the Broncos game. The way I’d snuggled into him at the game should have given him every clue he needed to end this madness. I’d have finished it myself if I could, but my self-respect was on the line.

Now my street cred was on the line with my coworkers. I should never have told them about Brandon’s love for Katherine Heigl. Now, instead of being the envy of every woman on the third floor, they were going to question my judgment.

If that wasn’t enough, I kept feeling this urge to call my mom. For my peace of mind, I needed her to know that I knew without a doubt the truth about her affair with Mr. Garrison. Dad had validated what I’d known in my heart all along. I didn’t need her to admit it—I just needed to acknowledge it so I could move on. More and more, I realized how much running from the past and not dealing with the pain can damage a person. It can ruin your present and your future. Dad was right—I had to fight for the magic. I needed the magic of letting go. And to let go, I had to face my mom.

I almost reached for my phone, but then I saw something, or rather someone, sneaking out from behind the large HVAC systems that were semi hidden by several evergreen bushes. I wiped the condensation off my window to get a better look. Oh. My. Gosh. I blinked to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me. It was Jane and Joel, and let’s just say their hair was all askew, as if someone had run their fingers through it in the throes of passion. Jane was even walking a little tipsily.

Hadn’t Jane told me last week not to be a Rita or an Amy, and that those women had sad and pathetic lives? Was she just warning us to stay away from her man? Holy crap, this was going to be the biggest bathroom news ever. That was, if Jane didn’t maim me when I asked her about what I’d just witnessed. Maybe I could use this to my advantage. Jane could easily squash any gossip about me and Brandon. We were all afraid of her.

If I wanted to use this leverage, I needed to act now. I grabbed my bag and jumped out of the car. Before Jane made it into the building, I called her name. “Hey, Jane,” I sang deviously.

Joel ran in like a scaredy-cat. Honestly, the man was just asking for trouble. What were Amy and Rita going to do when they found out? They sounded as scary as Jane .

Jane stiffened and kept her back to me.

I sashayed over to her in the bitter cold. Jack Frost was definitely nipping at my nose and everything else this morning, but braving the chilly weather was so worth it.

I strung my arm through Jane’s. “Good morning,” I said, as cheerful as could be. “How are you?”

“What do you want, St. James?”

“I just wanted to say hi and to tell you this funny little story about two people and the HVAC units.”

Jane turned her head toward me with an eerie slowness. While I’m sure she meant it to be menacing, I couldn’t take her seriously with her glasses still fogged up. A giggle bubbled up in my chest and out of my mouth.

“What’s your price for keeping your mouth shut?” Jane pulled no punches.

“I think you know.”

“Done.” She marched off.

“And make sure you clear up the Katherine Heigl thing too,” I called out. Might as well kill two birds with one stone.

She threw her hand up and, if I’m not mistaken, flipped me off. I took that as her way of saying, I hate you for this, but I’ll take care of it.

With a spring in my step, I entered the warm building, feeling better about facing my coworkers. I figured Jane might need some time to work her evil magic. So, I ran up the stairs and straight to one of the telephone-booth rooms, even though I was eager to see Brandon and give him my love note for the day . I know no way to mince it: you are smoking hot like Santa in a chimney. Brandon seemed intent on keeping the notes holiday themed. I assumed we would transition after Christmas. Hopefully, he would have kissed me by then.

The note would have to wait until I was sure no one thought I was dating Brandon or a Katherine Heigl fan. If I knew Jane, she would have that all cleared up in twenty minutes.

I made it into a booth without being seen. My first thought was to check in with Artemis. I just about had Blake convinced we were a good fit. But she loved playing hardball, and I think she was a little miffed I wouldn’t come work for her. My plan was to apply for law school and then hopefully find a position as a law clerk while attending classes. Which reminded me that maybe I needed to make another call first.

I set my bag on the counter, trying not to hyperventilate as I thought about that phone call. Maybe work wasn’t the best place. Was anywhere? Maybe if I called from work, I would better keep my emotions in check. And I had a higher chance of catching her early in the morning before she had to be in court, assuming she was working on any cases right now. I did happen to know she was still a partner at her firm. That was easy enough to google.

With a shot of courage, I reached into my bag for my phone. My hands were trembling so badly, I could barely dial her number. It was a number I would never forget, no matter how long it had been since I’d called her. When I pushed the last digit, an old photo of us popped up on my screen while the phone rang. I’d tried so many times to delete the photo of fifteen-year-old me with my mom in front of a courtroom wearing matching business suits, but I never could. That take-your-child-to-work day was one of the best days of my life. I saw firsthand how respected and capable my mother was. It had made me want to be like her even more.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as the phone continued to ring. Finally, her voicemail answered.

“Hello, you’ve reached Gloria St. James. I’m not available to take your call right now. Please leave me a message after the beep.”

It surprised me that she hadn’t changed her last name. Or gotten remarried, as far as I could tell.

The beep came, and for a few seconds all the words I wanted to say got stuck in my throat. I sniffled a few times before I eked out, “Hi, Mom.” It had been so long since I’d said those two big words that my heart physically hurt. “I’m not sure you want to hear from me, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. Honestly, I’ve mostly been running away from it because it felt like too much for me to face. But recently the past decided to smack me in the face. It showed me I hadn’t seen things as I should have. I was missing pieces. Those pieces made it so I couldn’t move forward. But now that most of them are in place, it’s giving me a clearer picture and helping me face my future, my dreams. My biggest dream,” my voice cracked, “was to be like you when I grew up. I tried to forget that dream because you lied to me and hurt me. And I know you lied to me, no matter how much you want to deny it. But I’m also aware that I don’t know the entire story. There is still a missing puzzle piece—you. I’m not sure what that means for us, but I just wanted you to know. By the way, I’m finally applying to law school. And I never told you, or anyone, but I took the LSAT several years ago and I scored 178—one point higher than you. Not that I’m bragging. Anyway, I should go. Goodbye,” I trailed off, tears streaming down my face. Oddly enough, I felt lighter inside, even though I was a hot mess.

I grabbed some tissues from my bag to dab my face. Maybe making that call at work wasn’t the brightest idea, but it felt good to face things head-on. It felt like me.

While I tried to fix the damage I’d done to my face, Brandon unceremoniously slid into the room. Dang him. I’d just cleared up the previous rumors about us, and I wasn’t sure when I would catch Jane in another compromising position. Although I could probably use this one as leverage for a while.

“What are you doing in here?”

He opened his mouth, but instead of speaking, he took a moment to study me. “What happened? Have you been crying?”

“I’m fine,” I assured him. “I just called my mom.”

Brandon’s brows shot up. “Whoa. What did she say?”

“She didn’t say anything. I got her voicemail. I just felt like I needed to tell her the truth.”

Brandon stepped closer and swiped my bangs to the side while giving me an adoring look. “And what’s the truth?”

“Well ...” I threw caution to the wind, hoping my leverage with Jane would cover me, and snuggled right into Brandon, my hands falling on his taut chest. I took a moment to breathe in the crisp linen scent of his pressed dress shirt that mixed well with his cedar-and-sage cologne. With every breath in, I gripped his shirt tighter, wanting to be closer to him. It made me all but forget what I’d just said to my mother. All I knew was, “The truth is, I like this.” Very much.

Brandon must have felt the same way as he backed me up against the wall, his body pressed against mine. Our chests rose and lowered at the same time, falling into a sexy rhythm.

I looked up, my eyes meeting his intense gaze, and felt a sense of conflict emanating from him. I wanted to end the war between us once and for all. Maybe if he spoke his truth, we could declare peace and seal the treaty with a kiss. “Brandon, are you ever going to kiss me?”

His gorgeous brown eyes widened, taken aback by my boldness. “I’m working on it,” he whispered as his finger outlined my lips, driving me to the brink of taking matters into my own hands. I wanted more than his finger on my lips. So much so, I almost told him I knew the truth.

But ... Jane busted through the door, hitting Brandon.

“Ouch.” He rubbed the back of his head.

Jane welcomed herself right in, making the booth feel like a can of sardines. “Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on in here,” Jane grumbled. “But I’m going to keep my mouth shut.” She made sure to catch my eye. “You just make sure to keep your mouth shut. Got it?”

I pressed my lips together, trying not to smile, thinking of Jane and Joel together. “No problem,” I promised.

“Fine,” she said, satisfied. “By the way, your boy here will now be winning Mistletoe Manness and I will call off the search for his wingman.” She flew out the door in the same brusque manner in which she’d entered.

Brandon shook his head. “What’ s Mistletoe Manness?”

I laughed, but said seriously, “When you’re ready for mistletoe, I’ll tell you.”