Merry Little Hate Notes

Chapter Twenty-Six

brANDON

I TOOK HOLLY’S HAND AS we drove to the cemetery on her birthday. The snow was steadily coming down as we made our way down I-25 in Friday-evening traffic. It was her tradition to visit Christian’s grave every year on her birthday, and I figured it was about time I visited my best friend. He needed to hear some things, and so did Holly. I’d run out of ideas and excuses for not telling her the truth. I hated telling Holly my story on her birthday, but I thought maybe if she allowed me to, this year’s birthday kiss could make up for the last one I gave her. Telling her today also made it tricky since she’d agreed to go to my parents’ Christmas party. Which meant the big surprise birthday party was back on.

My mom was over the moon about it, even though it meant a lot of last-minute hustling on her part. But Dr. Harry was helping out as much as he could. I had to hand it to the guy—he was a class act, willing to face old friends and maybe even some uncomfortable situations to make the night special for Holly. Carmen was helping out too. Not only was she excited that Holly was returning to our old neighborhood, but this gave her the perfect opportunity to introduce Marco to her parents. I still wasn’t sure about that guy and his “Italian” accent. We’d gone to a couple more of his classes this week because I loved torturing myself by watching Holly move like a goddess in a sports bra and yoga pants. I’d asked Marco about Italy, trying to trip him up. He’d answered every question perfectly, but that could just mean he’d traveled there a few times like I had.

“Thank you for saving us today on the final team-building exercise.” Holly squeezed my hand. “Having an Office party on our desk was genius. I’m so glad we were able to find more bobbleheads and little Santa hats to fit them.” The last exercise had been a desk-decorating competition.

I grinned over at her, knowing soon she would know the truth about my wingman and all the holiday cheer. “I’m just glad I wasn’t the weak link for at least one of the challenges.”

“You’re not the weak link, even if you got North Pole wrong.” She laughed before turning more sincere. “I really need to thank you for splitting your commissions with me. You didn’t have to do that, but because of you, I’m going to be able to move out and pay for a good chunk of law school. Assuming I get accepted somewhere.”

“Of course you’re going to.” It would shock me if anyone rejected her application. “And it’s the least I could do. Besides, you’re the one who really brought home the Artemis deal.”

“I can’t believe Blake sent in the signed contract today.” Holly beamed in the glow of taillights.

“You were masterful.”

“Honestly, I think we just make a good team. I would have let go of that account if it hadn’t been for you.”

“We make the best team.” I pulled her hand up and kissed it.

She bit her lip and nodded.

I hoped she felt that way after I told her the truth.

“I’m glad we’re doing this together tonight,” she said. “You’re facing Christian, and I’m facing old magic.”

“Growing up with you was magical. I know I didn’t always show it, but I felt it.” We were getting dangerously close to the truth. I waited for her to ask the question—ask why I’d kissed her and made her think it was a dare, but she didn’t bite.

She would know soon enough.

The car ride was a mostly quiet affair after that, as if she knew what was to come. Bing Crosby crooned in the background, making me wish more than ever that Holly and I would be together on Christmas Day. I had plans. Plans that included us sleeping under the tree together like we used to, but this time I would hold her in my arms all night long and we would wear matching pajamas like couples do sometimes.

We arrived at Cedar Hill Cemetery before I knew it. I slowed the car down to a snail’s pace, creeping down the long, narrow road that wended around the graveyard. The towering pine trees, their branches heavy with glistening snow, stirred painful memories of the day we laid Christian to rest. It remains etched as the darkest day of my life. I hoped tonight wouldn’t be a repeat.

Holly reached over and rested her hand on my thigh. “He’ll be glad you came.”

My throat tightened as I swallowed. “I’m not so sure about that. I need to tell you both the truth.”

“Truth is good.”

“It’s better when it doesn’t have to excuse a lie.”

“What lie?” Holly whispered, as if daring me to say it out loud.

I parked the car on the side of the road, close to the only other car in the cemetery—a sleek black Aston Martin covered in a light layer of snow. “You’ll know soon enough.” I needed her to come to Christian’s grave with me. I wasn’t sure I could go without her.

Holly placed a beanie on top of her gorgeous head before I helped her slip on her coat. Her eyes danced with something mischievous I couldn’t put my finger on. I figured she would be pensive and demand to know how I’d lied to her before we exited the vehicle. Instead, she was calm and steady. It was unnerving.

After we’d both bundled up in our coats, I exited the car and ran around to open the door for her. As if on cue, the snowfall ceased and the heavy clouds dispersed, unveiling an almost-full moon.

I took Holly’s gloved hand and helped her out of the car, only to pull her flush against me. “Please listen to what I have to say before you make any decisions,” I begged.

She rested her head on my chest. “I promise I will.”

I slid a note out of my coat pocket and placed it in her own. “Don’t read this until I tell you to. ”

She giggled. “I guess great minds think alike.” She pulled out a red sticky note and placed it in my coat pocket.

I tilted my head, not expecting this. It was almost like she knew what was going to happen. But how could that be? Maybe I really had changed her mind about me. It gave me some hope. So I took her hand, and together we set off on a path I had only taken once and wasn’t sure I’d ever walk again.

The moon lit our way as the snow crunched beneath our feet. I refused to look at any names on the headstones we passed, dreading seeing Christian’s etched in stone as a permanent reminder that he was no longer with us.

Holly squeezed my hand as if she knew I needed the encouragement and comfort only she could bring.

As we made our way, we saw a figure kneeling up ahead in the distance.

Holly stopped and gripped my arm. “It can’t be,” she whispered.

“What is it?”

“I think that’s my mom,” she struggled to say.

I turned and took Holly’s face in my hands. “Do you want to leave?”

She blinked and thought for a moment. Her delayed response decided for her.

“Holly,” a familiar voice I hadn’t heard in years called with trepidation.

Holly’s eyes widened, though her body remained paralyzed.

“Are you all right?” I whispered while still holding her gorgeous face.

She nodded almost imperceptibly. I dropped my hands as Gloria approached us in a long, dark woolen coat with spots of snow from where she’d been kneeling.

I could only imagine what Holly might be thinking. Seeing her mom here was like a real live ghost come to life. Gloria’s long, shimmering gray hair only lent more to the feel of a paranormal being cautiously approaching us.

Holly turned more toward me the closer her mom got.

I placed my arm around her to steady her .

Gloria stopped a few paces in front of us, a question in her blue eyes that were reminiscent of Holly’s. “You two are together?” She didn’t sound too surprised. “I always wondered if that might happen.” She offered an uneasy smile, her gaze landing on her daughter. “Hello, Holly.”

“Hi,” Holly squeaked, gripping me for dear life.

“I got your message.” Tears trickled out of Gloria’s eyes and down her reddened cheeks. She wrapped her arms around herself. “I want you to know you are right about everything. And I’m sorry. So very sorry. I know there is no making up for what I’ve done, but I would love to get together and talk. I was just telling your brother that every important piece of my puzzle has been missing for years.”

Holly was crying now and sniffling repeatedly.

“If you don’t want to talk, I’ll understand,” Gloria said when Holly didn’t respond.

“I do. It’s just hard,” Holly said through stifled sobs.

“That’s my fault, and I’m so sorry.” Gloria inched closer.

Holly loosened her grip on me.

Gloria dared to reach out a hand to her daughter.

Holly stared at her mother’s hand for several seconds, yet Gloria didn’t waver. Her ungloved hand, red from the cold, kept reaching and begging for her daughter. Eventually, her patience paid off, and Holly, as if in slow motion, reached out her hand. Gloria captured it and held on tight before pulling her daughter to her and enveloping her in a hug.

It felt as if time stopped as I watched the women embrace while shuddering through their tears.

“I love you,” Gloria repeated over and over. With each I love you , Holly melted a little more into her mom. It gave me hope that Holly would let me have my say and give me the opportunity to prove I was no longer the boy who’d been too afraid to face the truth.

Eventually, Gloria kissed Holly’s cheek. “I should be going. It appears I interrupted something important.” Gloria gave me a meaningful look. “It’s nice to see you again, Brandon. I would love to catch up with you sometime. You were always like a son to me.”

It surprised me how much those words hit me. Emotion rose in my chest, making my words crack sharply like a preteen boy’s. “I would like that.”

Gloria offered a muted smile before releasing Holly, who came straight back to my side.

I placed an arm around her to let her know she was safe.

“Happy birthday, Holly,” Gloria choked out and then hustled off like she couldn’t take the overwhelming feelings that hung in the air.

As soon as Gloria was out of sight, I asked Holly, “Are you okay?” I knew she’d worried her mother would never contact her after the message she’d left her earlier in the week. She’d been preparing herself to let her mother go.

“I think so,” she muttered. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Me either. Do you want to leave?” I wasn’t sure now was the best time to hit Holly with another emotional punch.

She shook her head. “No. Tonight is all about the truth. We can’t run from it anymore.” She was right, and it scared the hell out of me.

Holly took my hand. “Let’s go talk to Christian.”

“You’re incredible. I don’t know if I’d be able to stand if that had just happened to me.”

“I couldn’t. That’s why I came to your side.”

I was done for. Holly owned me, and even if I had to beg for eternity, I would do everything to make her mine. I brought her hand up and held it to my chest. “You undo me, Holly. You always have.”

She smiled, that hint of mischief appearing again. “Come with me,” she beckoned.

Her bewitching words would have me following her to the guillotine if that’s what she wanted. I trailed behind her to what had once been my worst nightmare. The thought of losing the woman whose hand I held had replaced the agony of burying my best friend.

Christian’s large headstone loomed in front of me in the cold and dark, surrounded by snow except for the place his mother’s knees had just been. It was the first time I’d seen his headstone, a stark reminder of the truth. The stone hadn’t been erected until after we’d laid him to rest. The words under his name captured exactly how I felt about his death. Gone too soon.

“Come and tell him off for leaving us?” Holly teased .

Only she could make me smile, here in this place.

Hesitantly, I approached, pulling Holly to me, wrapping my arms around her from behind. I needed her to help me stand on this sacred piece of ground. I breathed in the scent of the fabric softener that lingered on her beanie, not able to take my eyes off Christian’s name.

“Damn you, Christian, for leaving us. You don’t know how much I blame myself for your death. If I could go back and do it all over, I would never have let you go on the slopes that day. I’m sorry I didn’t stop you. I love you, brother.” My voice quavered.

Holly clung tighter to my arms, lending me strength for what I needed to say next. “Christian, I can’t change what happened to you, but I hope I can change the other biggest regret in my life. I wish I had been man enough to tell you the truth a long time ago. But I’m telling you now.” I secured my hold on Holly and took in a deep breath.

“The truth is, I didn’t kiss Holly on a dare. I only told you that because you caught us and I wanted to save our friendship, even though you punched me for kissing your sister.”

Holly giggled. “He did?”

“Twice.”

“Hmm. I like it. Continue.”

I found her reaction odd. Where was the anger? Why didn’t she punch me? How did she know there was more? I didn’t know what else to do, so I kept on going. “Christian, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to break my promise to never touch or look at Holly. To be honest, I’ve never been able to keep that promise. From the first time I met Holly, all I’ve wanted to do is look at her, even though she annoyed the hell out of me at times.”

Holly laughed and gently elbowed me. “Hey, you were the annoying one.”

“We can argue about that later.” I turned her toward me until our eyes met. “Holly, why don’t you hate me right now?” I was so confused.

Her eyes danced with a smile almost as big as the one on her perfect face. “Um ... well ... I don’t know how to say this, but I ... uh ... heard your Why Brandon Is an Idiot TED Talk when we were in Aspen?”

My jaw dropped, floored by this news. “You were awake?”

“For the entire thing,” she admitted.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” For weeks she’d known, and I’d been dancing around the truth, making up lame excuses not to be alone with her. And she obviously knew about my mom, and all the team-building exercises, and why I wrote the hate notes.

“Well, first I needed to digest your TED Talk. You big-bang-theoried my world. Then, once I came to terms with it, it didn’t seem right to tell you because the things you said were of a sensitive nature and I wasn’t sure it was fair I knew until you were ready to tell me. And ...,” she sang, “I kind of enjoyed torturing you. I mean, you have to admit you deserved it for lying to me all these years.”

“I don’t know if I should shake you or kiss you right now,” I half growled.

“You should definitely kiss me.” She held up a finger. “But first you should tell me how you feel.”

I grabbed her coat and yanked her close enough that our lips almost met. I shook my head at her; she was going to be the death of me. But what a way to go. “You ruined my plan.”

“And what plan was that?”

It made no sense now to go over the plan. Might as well get to the good part. “Take the note out of your pocket and read it.”

She fished the note out of her pocket and read it out loud. “You are the happy to my holiday, jingle to my bells, nut to my cracker, fruit to my cake, present under my tree, wish to my star, home for my holiday, candy to my cane, kiss under the mistletoe, holly to my jolly, winter to my wonderland, ginger to my bread, milk to my cookie, joy to my world, star to my tree, love of my life,” she cried.

“That’s how I feel about you.”

“Did you google this?” She laughed through her tears.

“Yes,” I begrudgingly admitted. “But I mean every word. Holly, I love you. I’ve always loved you.” I laid it all on the line, trying to right my wrongs.

“I think you should read the note in your pocket.”

As quickly as I could, I reached into my coat, desperate to get my lips on hers. I read the words. “I know no ways to mince it in love, but directly to say, ‘I love you.’” The note slipped from my hands. “You love me?”

She lifted on her tiptoes and whispered against my lips. “I’ve hated you. I’ve loved you. But more importantly, I’ve missed you, and I don’t want to do that ever again. You’re a part of me.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Happy birthday, Holly.” My lips landed on hers, and their velvety touch felt just as incredible as it had fourteen years ago. Maybe even better now that I knew this wasn’t a goodbye kiss. Slowly, my lips moved over hers, savoring every touch while begging for a deeper taste. Her lips parted, teasing me to take what she was offering. It was more than just a taste of her—it was her heart and soul. I would gladly take them both. Although, I couldn’t refuse tasting her once again. My tongue rediscovered every part of her mouth while Holly gripped my coat as if hanging on for the ride of her life. After exploring her mouth, I moved my lips across her cheek and over to her ear. I playfully nipped her lobe and nuzzled her neck.

Before I could whisper all the things I’d wanted to say to her fourteen years ago during our first kiss, Christian’s headstone caught my eye. I hope one day you’ll forgive me for breaking my promise to you. Maybe you can settle for a new promise. How about this? I promise to always love your sister and make sure her dreams come true.

I swore I could hear Christian say, “Deal, but I’d punch you if I could.”

I wish you could too, man. Merry Christmas, brother.