Merry Mix-Up (Holiday Hearts)

23. Jade

23

JADE

D ecember 20th

Seventeen—the number of calls I made to Newt's phone before finally having the courage to leave a voicemail. At least it wasn’t off now. It would ring four times then go to the machine and I would hang up. I didn't call back-to-back. That would have been creepy. I started this morning when I woke up and seven hours later, I was still trying now and then. But I left him a voicemail if he even wanted to listen to it. I explained everything. I just didn't know if he cared anymore.

My body ached, probably from pent-up emotions I carried around with me. I'd been so tense when I slept last night, and even when I napped this afternoon. I didn’t feel like going out for coffee so I had none, which made me extra sleepy. And I had no appetite either, so I didn't bother to even cook myself anything.

I lay on the couch most of the day, alternating between crying and doom scrolling my socials. I made sure to stalk Naomi's profiles everywhere to see if she posted anything. Amber, of course, hadn't even been online. Derek never came back, so either he was totally done with things or Amber had gotten through to him. When Amber tried calling me five different times, I ignored them all. I'd had enough.

My head throbbed, my heart was broken. I tucked my chin down and pulled the throw blanket over my body more tightly. I was set to deliver Naomi's dress to her in less than an hour, but I had no motivation to do it. If Newt said anything at all, it would be me taking the lecture for my sister because of my screw-up. It made my brain hurt just thinking about her screaming at Amber but smacking my face.

Yes, it was my dumb fault for taking the risk, but I blamed Amber, anyway. This was all her idea. I could have fallen in love with Newt as myself, and he'd have known it was me the whole time. We could be happy right now, kissing under the mistletoe and sharing eggnog and gingerbread cookies. Instead, we both had broken hearts and he didn't understand at all.

The thought brought tears to my eyes again. They welled up and I sobbed under that blanket for the tenth time, wanting to fall asleep and wake up in May when all of this was just a memory and I was in New York setting up a ritzy shop with my designs and living in a tiny studio apartment that cost me a jillion dollars a month.

Someone knocked on my door and I ignored it, though curiosity made me wonder if it was Derek. I knew it wouldn’t be Newt. He'd have answered my calls or sent me a text. He wouldn’t have just shown up.

Then I heard keys jingling and sliding into the lock and I knew it was Amber. I sat up abruptly and scooped up the pile of used tissues and started shoving them into my pockets. She and Naomi were great at putting their emotions on blast so everyone knew how they felt, but I much preferred to be private with mine. Even when it came to my twin. Amber would never understand.

The door swung open and she waddled in dragging a few suitcases. She looked flustered and frustrated and dropped things as she did. Her face was screwed up into a stormy expression and she kicked the door shut before leaning back against it and dropping her head onto its cool surface.

"I thought you'd be here tomorrow," I told her, forgetting how she said she could come today. My mind was so scrambled by everything that had happened, I even forgot what day it was.

"It's Saturday, duh." Her snarky reply came with a roll of her eyes before she shed her coat and hung it in the coat closet. She left her keys in her pocket and her shoes by the door and flopped onto my recliner. "This room is hideous. It gets more nauseating every time I visit." It was evident our styles had never been the same, and I was glad that she didn't visit more often.

I rubbed my eyes and lay back down, not feeling like dealing with her. "You can take the dress. I'm done."

"Yeah, idiot. Of course I'm taking the dress." She huffed out a sigh. "You really messed things up. You're damn lucky Derek took my call and I was able to talk him down. Can you believe he was going to tell Jared? Of all things." Amber sounded exasperated, and it only made me start crying again.

I was happy for her that Derek believed her and that they weren't breaking up, but it just meant I was the only one single for this holiday season. I didn't want to go to Naomi's wedding anymore at all, not even to see her in the dress I'd made. Mom and Dad would balk at it, but I just couldn't.

"What the hell is your problem? You didn't even lose anything. I almost destroyed a four-year relationship with the man I love more than anything."

I hated her tone. I hated her plan, and I hated how she was blaming any of this on me. How was I supposed to have known that Id' fall in love with the most incredible man? How was I supposed to just put my feelings and my heart on hold for her? Why hadn’t she just told people the truth?

"You should have told Derek from the beginning. This would never have happened!" I felt like screaming, but all I could do was sob. My eyes were literal fountains and the ugly crying demanded tissues, and I had used all of them. I dug into my pockets to find one that wasn't really gross and half of them spilled out onto the floor.

"You should have just listened to me and stayed away from him," Amber blurted out, and I winced. I was done with being angry and shouting and telling her she was wrong. My heart hurt so badly, I just wanted to be alone. She was never going to comfort me. I was the only person who even cared how much I had done for her, what I tried to do for her, anyway. I lay there and sobbed until my body shook, and she railed on me for a few more minutes.

Things got quiet and I stood and let the rest of the tissues fall from my pockets to the floor, then gathered up the blanket and went to my room, leaving my phone. Newt was the only one I'd even want to talk to now, and he wasn’t going to call me, anyway.

I curled up in bed and left the light off, ready to go back to sleep if sleep would come. A few minutes later, Amber walked into my room and turned on my bedside light. I felt the bed shake and then strangely, I felt her curl up next to me and she wrapped her arms around me.

"I'm so sorry, Jade." Her words felt foreign, like eating ice cream in winter, or cocoa in July. They weren't unpleasant, but they went against the grain. I didn’t reply. I just let her talk.

"I should have done what you said from the beginning, and I'm sorry I shouted at you and took any of this out on you." Her arms tightened, and I cried a little harder. It was too little, too late. If she'd just have let me tell Newt weeks ago, I could be with him. I’d have him now.

"You really love him, don't you?"

The soft question helped my heart grow still. It was a blanket in the cold of night that wrapped around my heart and brought comfort. Of course the reason it hurt so badly was because I was so deeply in love with him. I nodded but I didn't speak, and Amber squeezed harder. We weren't like this—weren't the type to be lovey-dovey or super affectionate with each other. It was like she demanded to break all stereotypes of twins with me because Mom had pushed them so hard. But here we were, being real sisters for a change.

"I'm gonna try to fix this, Jayjay. I don't know what type of guy Newt is or if he will even care if I apologize, but I don't want my baby sister to be hurting like this."

I winced, hating when she called me that. "It was two fucking minutes," I grumbled, and she snickered.

"See, you're already feeling more like yourself."

"I hate you," I told her, but I didn't mean it. I knew all she wanted was to be successful at her schooling while being there for her best friend. If I hadn't believed she had the best intentions, I never would have agreed to help her out.

"I love you," she whispered, and then she withdrew. I heard her leave the bedroom. Then I heard some rustling in the other room, then the closet door open and shut, then the front door. When the house was silent, I pulled the blanket around me more snugly and closed my eyes.

Amber—the real Amber this time—was off to deliver a dress, and I was here feeling sorry for myself. I hoped sleep would come. If not, I'd resort to a stiff drink, or three. I didn't figure Newt would look at her twice, but I did fully expect Naomi to understand, even if she wasn't happy or didn't laugh like she could. I knew their friendship would be fine. I just didn't know if my heart would be.