Mind Pucked (Chicago Blue Jays #1)

12. Jackson

12

JACKSON

I take a swig of my cold beer as I catch sight of the replays from last week’s game, on repeat on the screen across the room. It’s a goal I made that drew a lot of attention due to it being a pinch play. It wasn’t a bad play if I say so myself, but I am a bit biased where that’s concerned.

It’s been two weeks since the night at the bar and afterparty with Amelia at the hotel. She left that morning, sending mixed signals, but ever since then things have seemed alright between us. I hope like hell that talking about my wife didn’t throw her off, but she was the one who encouraged me to talk about her.

But overall, nothing has seemed off between us, so I’ve allowed myself to believe the conversation did nothing to offend her, and truth be told, it helped me out a lot. I don’t know if I’m willing to admit that to anyone, but it was nice to talk about Lyla and not feel like I have to keep her memory all bottled up.

It did strike me as odd, however, that she had heard rumors about Preston being in the car. Not that she knows who it was—or even who Preston was to my knowledge—but it still seems odd that someone told her. I make a mental note to ask her about it next time the conversation presents itself.

Of course, we haven’t slept together since that night, but the time we have spent together with along with Hayden has been nice. I’m sitting at a bar and grill, waiting to have lunch with a few of the guys. We meet up every now and again, and recently I’ve enjoyed my time with them where before I was avoiding going out with them like the plague.

I tear my eyes from the screen just in time to see Oliver and Felix coming in the door. I smile at them as they sit down and place their orders. I already have my cheeseburger and fries ordered. This place has the best burgers.

“Hey, guys,” I say as I wave over Vaughn and Benjamin who are joined at the hip these days it seems.

In no time, our food is coming out to the table and more beers have been dropped off. It’s the middle of the day, so none of us will drink much, but it’s good to have a cold beer every now and again.

I’m enjoying my burger as I keep looking back and forth between the television with the game on it and the guys who seem to be enjoying their food just as much as I am. Between bites, Oliver and Felix are talking over some strategies for the next game while Vaughn and Benjamin are both on their phones.

I listen in as Oliver suggests we implement plays specifically against the goalie of the team we’ll be facing in the next game. It turns out he’s a bit of a sieve. It’s easy to play against goalies who leave a lot of holes in their play in which to score. I worry that the other team is gonna catch onto that kind of strategy, but I don’t say anything. It’s really the only plan we have, since the team is rather good…all but their goalie—Sven.

I continue to eat, mostly listening since I haven’t been much of a talker as of late. Of course, I have my reasons, but then again, maybe I should talk more…as Amelia said, talking about things and getting them out in the open can help.

“So, man, what’s up with you and Amelia?” Ben asks without even looking up from his phone, as if he can hear me thinking about her.

I smile and shake my head. I don’t know if this is the kind of conversation I want to be having with them, but somehow I knew it would only be a matter of time before it came up.

“What do you mean?” I ask, trying to figure out how much they saw that night at the bar.

Truth be told, I’ve thought about it a lot, but I wouldn’t change a second of that night. Apart from the part where I woke up alone, though it seemed to me that she had a good enough excuse to head out early.

“Come on, we all saw you two going shot for shot, and how you bolted once things got hot and heavy after.” Vaughn smiles up from his phone. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what ya’ll left to do,” he adds with a mischievous grin.

I frown as I take a sip from my drink, trying to think of something, anything to say that might divert the conversation. I think about what might get the guys talking the most. Hockey is always a safe bet with us, so I give it a go.

“Hey, did you guys check out that hat trick the right wing from The Avalanche played in last night’s game?” I ask, trying to draw Oliver and Felix’s attention to the conversation. “I can’t believe they traded Owens for Donahue this season,” I add, trying to goad Oliver into a rampage about how Donahue is the better goalie.

I know he has strong opinions on the matter, but I don’t know if he’ll take the bait now that the subject of Amelia has come up. And of course I couldn’t be so lucky.

“Not a chance, man.” Vaughn smirks. “You’re not getting off on this conversation that easy, Jackson.”

“What conversation?” Oliver asks, as if just now noticing another conversation has been going on, pulling his attention away from hockey for the moment.

Damn…he did miss the bait altogether. I consider bringing up Donahue again, but I know Vaughn won’t let that slide.

“Oh, we were just asking Ol’ Jacksy-Boy here about his relationship with one hot nanny who works for him.” Ben nudges me in the side playfully.

The one thing I like about my friends is that they’re always good at making me smile.

“Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you that myself,” Felix says with a smirk that suggests he has been wondering too.

“There is no relationship,” I say, and truthfully, there isn’t. “There’s nothing really to talk about. I had fun with her that night at the bar, but she is my nanny…well, Hayden’s nanny.” I smile the biggest smile I have in a long time before taking a long sip of my beer in the hopes they don’t ask anything else.

The thought of a relationship scares the hell out of me if I’m being honest with myself. I haven’t wanted one since losing my wife, and even though Amelia and I have had a few wonderful moments together, that doesn’t mean we’re together or ever will be.

I don’t even know if that’s something she would want, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if this perhaps could be something I want at some point. I just don’t know my own feelings well enough to know for sure. I haven’t let myself feel anything for so long that it’s foreign to me.

“You know,” Felix says, his voice soft this time. “Your wife was an amazing woman, and she loved you, but she would want you to be happy, no matter what that means.”

I’m a little taken aback at how well these guys know me. They would never be mean or hateful about any of it, but they have to know that deep down Lyla is on my mind. She’s always on my mind, just a little less as time slips by.

“I know.” I frown at him, but not in a way that means I’m angry—I’m just confused is all. “Well, I think I’m going to get out of here. Hayden is expecting me home,” I say, and for the most part, it isn’t a lie.

“Alright, man,” Oliver says, as they all four begin slapping their portion of money for the bill down on the table. “Let’s walk out together.”

I nod and once the tab is paid and our food is put into boxes, we head toward the door.

“No, but seriously, man,” Oliver pipes up as we walk out of the building together. “What do you think about that trade with The Avalanche? I mean, have you ever seen such a colossal mistake? That guy doesn’t even know what a dump and chase is.” He chuckles.

“Oh, here we go again.” Felix rolls his eyes, walking on the other side of Oliver.

I have to laugh a little, wondering if Oliver had in fact heard me back there when I was trying to change the subject and just refused to take the bait. He’s such an ass sometimes, but I do love his crazy ways. Oliver is always good at interjecting when it’s best for him. He’s such a good guy, our comedic relief most of the time, but the expression on his face makes me think that he knew exactly what I was talking about back there.

He just wanted me to squirm at Vaughn and Benjamin’s questioning. He gives me a smirk as we go, and I can’t help but give him one in return.

Vaughn and Ben have just gotten into an Uber in front of the pub, despite multiple offers by Oliver to take them home on his bike. Oliver doesn’t do well alone on his bike, let alone with passengers. Of course, none of us are going to tell him that and we would never hurt his feelings that way, but it’s an unspoken vow between all of us to stay off the back of his motorcycle.

There isn’t enough money in the world that would get me on that thing with him. I wouldn’t have even done it when we were younger, and I did a lot of crazy shit back then.

He bounces back and forth from one foot to another as if he’s an anxious pup. I always find his brand of energy kind of amusing and exciting—it’s what makes him such a good hockey player. I decide to answer him before he explodes as the subject hangs in the air.

“I mean, did you know what it was when you first got into the game? They say that guy is new, a baby,” I add, as we head toward our cars. “A dump and chase, I mean?”

“Yeah, I guess, but even I knew back then when I was a baby, that a dump and chase is an offensive play used to master the puck into the opposing team’s zone.” He rolls his eyes.

“You’re a mess.” I smile as I stop in front of his motorcycle and look it over.

His bike is one of those expensive ones that he saved for a long time to buy. There are more custom gadgets on this bike than there are on the ice rink. He’s so proud of this thing, but all I see is an intimidating piece of machinery.

“You wouldn’t know what to do with me if I was any other way,” he says. And he’s right—life would be boring if Oliver was normal.

“This is true.” I smile. “But you better get home before you have a heart attack over a dump and chase,” I say to him as he climbs onto his motorcycle and sets it into motion, leaving me and Felix standing in the parking lot.

“Sorry about all the Q&A in there with the guys,” Felix says as he pats my back hard and leans up against his car.

“It’s okay, I just don’t know what I should feel and all that shit,” I admit.

“I just know that, from my standpoint—and you know I have been your friend for years—” Felix adjusts his stance and continues, “The way you look at her, and the way she looks at you…there’s no way that you two are just fucking one another,” he adds with a cool but sly look on his face.

“I don’t know, man.” I really don’t know what else to say.

“What is there not to know?” he wonders out loud.

In a way, I wish I was more like him. Felix seems to know what he wants and has more courage than I do. Of course, my trauma seems to play a huge part in how I respond to things, but I think Amelia could actually have a good chance of breaking those walls down inside of me. If I let her. I shake my head, trying to think of exactly what to say. Being vulnerable with the guys is difficult enough, but I see it coming a mile away.

Most of the reason I’ve avoided spending time with them is that I haven’t really been willing to talk just yet. Perhaps it’s what’s needed, just like Amelia said. There aren’t many of the guys I would open up to just like this, but this small group, they’re my brothers.

“Like I said, for now, I don’t know that anything more is possible. I still have way too much trauma from my wife’s death…I’ve never really worked it all out,” I admit.

“No one expects you to.” Felix nods at me. “You’ll never forget the love you had… have for Lyla. Amelia won’t expect you too either, or whoever you end up with in the long run. Hayden is always going to remind you of her mother, and no matter who’s at your side, Lyla will always be with you.”

I nod as a tear threatens to fall. I don’t cry…haven’t really cried since Lyla died. I don’t know what it is about my best friend being real with me like this, but it hurts in all the right ways. As much as I’m sure that I need this, I’m also sure that Felix is the only one of my brothers who can talk to me the way he just did and I’ll believe it.

“I’ll think about it,” I promise as I stand taller. “Thanks for talking to me like this,” I add, hoping he knows how much I appreciate it.

“No problem at all.” He beams as he runs a hand through his unruly hair, then brings his arm back down to look at his watch. “Oh shit, I have to head. I’m gonna be late for a thing.”

“Alright…have fun with your thing,” I say, knowing damn well he has a date. “See ya, man.” I reach my fist up to meet his in the air that hangs between us.

“See ya,” he says as he climbs into his car.

I turn and get into my own vehicle as thoughts of our conversation pour over me. It’s hard to keep the thoughts away, since now that I’m alone they are so loud…oh, so loud.

I don’t want to just be using Amelia for sex and a glorified babysitter. I do feel more for her than I ever thought I would feel for a woman again. Felix is right—Lyla would want me to be happy. Up until now, I didn’t think about what it would mean to actually be happy again.

Hayden has been my only true focus…the only person I’ve really cared about.

I love my daughter and she makes me happier than anything, and the guys do too, but somehow, when I think about being truly happy again, the only person who comes to mind is Amelia.

As I drive home, I weigh the pros and cons of a real relationship with her. I don’t know why I do this—it just seems like something you do when considering something that might change your life. At least that’s how you see it being done in all the TV shows and movies.

The pros…she is amazing with Hayden, she loves hockey, she loves spending time with me. She’s a decent cook and knows how to stand up for herself. She’s fierce and loving in a way I haven’t seen anyone be before…and so much more. To me, that list of pros means everything. I like who she is with my daughter, with me, and around my friends…I just don’t know if that’s enough to build a relationship off of.

The cons…well, there aren’t any. Not that I can think of, because to me, she is perfect. I may not know everything there is to know about her, but I want to. I want to wake up every day geared and ready to learn more. I think the only con I can possibly think of is that we haven’t had enough time together, but that can easily be remedied.

The biggest thing that attracts me to her is the fact that she’s great with Hayden. Hayden hasn’t taken to another woman like she has to Amelia. She is sweet as can be and is overall a great person. I don’t know another woman like her, let alone one who would care enough to love and care for Hayden in the way that Amelia does. It might be easy to argue that she only does so because she’s being paid to, but that simply isn’t true.

I’ve seen them together, and even during times when Amelia is off the clock, she still makes sure that Hayden is cared for and happy.

I still feel like there’s more about her that I need to know, but…I haven’t really exposed all of myself to her either. There’s far too much about myself to unpack, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to do that. Something about the thought of being with someone after Lyla gives me hope, however…hope that no matter what, I can be the man I need to be for Hayden and for her.

Amelia is exactly the kind of person I can see myself with. I just didn’t think I was ready until now. Sure, I’m not sure that I am really ready…even now. But deep down, I can feel Lyla with me, and I know she would be urging me to be happy, to do this for our daughter, and for myself.

Feeling my wife with me only makes me more sure that this is the right thing to do. I smile as I pull into the driveway. So many emotions are coursing through me right now, none of which I can recall ever feeling before.

I walk into the house with a pep to my step that wasn’t there when I left for lunch. The house is abnormally quiet and calm, and I look at my watch to see that Hayden is likely down for a nap. I wonder where Amelia is.

I look through the living room and pass my study, eventually hearing soft singing coming from the kitchen. I smile as I round the corner and see her dancing to “Oops I did it Again” playing softly from the speaker on her phone. I lean against the doorway and watch her shake her hips back and forth while she wipes down the counter.

She’s so sexy, but at the same time she looks effortless, like she doesn’t have to try hard to be amazing…she just is. My heart thuds in my chest, and parts of me begin to coil tight with longing. The effects are even worse given the adrenaline of what I think I’m ready to do…no, I’m sure of it.

Remnants of the lunch she made for Hayden are still on the stove, though I’m sure soon enough she’ll get to those as well. I don’t say anything as I watch her. There’s a grace and carefree nature to what she’s doing. She’s a vision in her leggings and oversized sweater.

For the first time, I don’t compare her to my wife, and I don’t think about all the things I did with Lyla, or how she would have done things differently. Up until now, she has been the standard to which I compared everything to, but now not so much. Yes, she was my wife and I love her very much to this day, but the guys are right—life does go on, and now I’m finally sure that I want it to.

Perhaps my standards have changed, and now the measurable force that drives me forward is Amelia.

I finally join her, putting my hands on her hips and causing her to jump a little. I sway back and forth with her to the remainder of the music, and she turns and dances with me a little.

The song switches to another, and instead of backing away, she continues to sway with me back and forth. This feels so…normal. The word relationship continues to flash before my eyes, a word I never thought I would use again. But here I am, thinking about it repetitively.

Once the song ends, she moves away a little, throwing the towel over her shoulder. She walks over to the stove and starts cleaning up from lunch, not wondering what prompted this impromptu dance session in the kitchen. The smile on her face is what gives me enough courage to say what I have to say.

“Is Hayden napping?” I ask.

“Yes.” She nods as she continues to work in the kitchen.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” She turns around and wipes her hands on the towel over her shoulder. “What’s up?”

“What do you think about us?” I ask her, a lump forming in my throat that I can’t seem to force down no matter how hard I try.

“Us?” she asks. She steps closer to me, but leaves a decent distance between us, as if afraid to get too close.

Hell, I don’t even know if this is a dream or not. It feels like something I would never do or never had plans to do. I hate that I’m so broken that even asking a woman out seems like a sin to me. Perhaps it’s been so long that I don’t remember how to do these things. I guess I’m going to have to learn along the way.

I search for exactly what I want to say. I decide being honest and open with her is the best thing I can do. I know she’ll appreciate it in the long run, and I have less of a chance of running her off…or at least I hope I do.

“Yeah, I mean, I know I talked to you some about my wife the other day, and until now, I haven’t been able to move past that…I’m still probably not past it completely…” I pause, hoping like hell I’m getting my point across. “But you are amazing, and Hayden loves you, and let’s face it, she hasn’t loved anyone besides me since Lyla passed.”

I pause a moment, trying to judge her expression. At this point, I feel like I’m rambling, but it’s all things I feel like I have to say to her to express exactly how I’m feeling.

“Jackson, what are you saying?” she asks with her hand to her chest, and now I know that I was rambling for sure.

I need to tell her everything…exactly what I’m feeling and what I think of her.

“I’m saying that despite how much we still have to learn about one another, and how messed up I still am and likely will be over things in my past, I care for you, and because of that…I would really like to have an official relationship with you…if that’s something you’re open to?”

She pauses in her tracks and looks at me as if I’ve grown a second head, and I wonder if perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything. When she continues to look at me, not saying anything, I’m sure I shouldn’t have.

But there is no taking it back…unfortunately.