Mind Pucked (Chicago Blue Jays #1)

20. Jackson

20

JACKSON

I feel as though my brain has been put in a blender. I can’t get over Amelia’s betrayal, but more than that, I don’t know what to say to Hayden.

Aside from all that, my anger has gotten the better of me, and I’m not performing like I should on the ice. With the big game coming, I know it’s only a matter of time before Coach catches on and says something to me.

I’ve stopped hanging with the guys, and have stayed home other than practice and games. They keep bugging me about what’s going on with me, but I don’t want to talk to anyone about what happened. I know they all mourn the loss of Preston, but if they knew he was alive…what would they think? I don’t need them all to pity me either. I would hate it if they felt sorry for me for being lied to.

That thought sends chills of anger through my body again.

I wish I could talk to my mom about all this, but I don’t want to bother her about it. We just saw them in Ohio, and I just told her about Amelia and me. Meanwhile the whole time Hayden and I were with them, Amelia was with her supposed-to-be-dead brother.

More than that, I just can’t get over the fact that she suspected it was me who killed Lyla, and who had killed Preston. She knew the body wasn’t found…she didn’t think I had him tied up somewhere for two years or something…did she?

I shake my head as my phone rings. I look at it, praying it’s not Amelia, though I don’t know why it would be. I nearly choke when I see it’s Coach calling.

“Oh boy, the time has drawn nigh,” I say out loud sarcastically as I pick up the phone. “Hey, Coach,” I say, trying to sound casual.”

“Hey, Jackson,” he says. “I was wondering if this is a good time to talk for a minute?”

My heart begins to beat faster. This is it…either he’s going to lecture me, fire me, or something bad has happened and he’s calling to tell me. I can’t win for losing.

“Sure, I have a minute,” I tell him, though in truth it seems as though I have way longer than that.

“Good,” he says. “I was just wondering if you might be available for a quick meeting with me and a few of the guys in the locker room this evening. I just need to go over a few things.”

“Is everything okay?” I ask, hoping that if this is about me, he’ll say so.

I need to know what to prepare for.

“Yeah, sure, just wanting to talk over a few things is all,” he says, but I don’t know that I buy it.

“What time, Coach?” I ask him.

“Let’s say six,” he says. “The ice is open tonight so that should work just fine.”

“Works for me,” I say. “See you at six.”

“See you at six,” he agrees, and then the line goes blank when he hangs up.

I look at my phone for a moment, dumbfounded. I guess I called that one. I don’t know for sure what this little meeting is all about, but if it’s just a few of the guys, I worry it’s some sort of intervention.

I sigh as I sit back and reach for my beer. I hate that I’ve started drinking so early, but with Hayden at a playdate with some of the guys’ kids and wives, I figured I had the time. Now, as it turns out…I have exactly four hours to sober up.

I chug the remaining beer before taking it to the kitchen and throwing the can in the trash.

I look around and see Amelia everywhere. She organized this place and made it into a home fit for Hayden.

I sigh again as I walk out to the back yard. Even here, Amelia is everywhere. I think about Hayden falling, and what I said to Amelia about not being her mom. Now I know that the whole time, Amelia was sure I was involved in the death of Hayden’s mom, and it feels so much worse.

I sit on one of the swings and drop my head into my hands. I need to get my shit together, that much I know to be true.

A few hours later, and after checking to be sure Hayden can stay with Quinn, I’m driving to the rink. My buzz is gone and now I’m just numb.

I pull in a few minutes before six. It’s hard to see who’s here since the parking lot is massive and goes all around the building. The whole team could be here and I wouldn’t know it.

Resigning myself to my fate, I get out of the car and head into the rink. I can already hear the voices of Coach and a couple of the guys as I make my way to the locker room.

I take a gulp before entering.

Coach is sitting at one of the tables that flank the massive room. Oliver, Felix, Vaughn, and Benjamin are with him.

Damn. I shake my head. These are my best guys.

I know now this has to be some sort of beat-Jackson-down meeting, but as much as I know that, I know they can tell something is up with me, though I haven’t said anything to anyone about what happened between Amelia and me, or what she told me about Pres…or any of it.

“Hey, guys,” I say as I turn one of the chairs around and sit in it backward like both Felix and Oliver are doing.

“Hey, man,” Oliver says, reaching over to fist-bump me.

“Hey,” Felix says, tipping an imaginary hat which brings a smile to my face.

“Sup,” Vaughn and Benjamin say at the exact same time.

“Welcome, Jackson,” Coach says as he scoots his chair up to the table, holding a clipboard in his hand.

“What’s up, Coach?” I ask as he prepares to say something I know has to do with me.

It’s a gut feeling I can’t fight no matter how hard I try.

“Well…” He clears his throat. “First of all, I want you all to know that I’ve been so proud of you guys this season…all of you. I know parts of the season could’ve gone sideways, but you’ve all done your part to keep it going for me, and here we are heading into the Stanley Cup.”

“Yeah, we are!” Oliver whoops, and we all smile and pat one another on the back.

“I want to thank you for that,” Coach continues. “You know it’s been a couple years since we’ve found ourselves here, and I want to see the win just as much as you guys do…maybe more,” he adds. “I just need you all to keep your heads on straight and get through the rest of the season in one piece.”

“Yes, sir,” Felix says as he salutes—actually puts his hand to his head and salutes Coach.

“I picked you guys to talk to because I’ve seen the statistics.” He puts the clipboard down on the table for us to look at. “The polls are in, the numbers have been calculated, and the four of you”—he points to Vaughn, Ben, Oliver, and me—“have the potential for the highest stats of any players to play for the cup in twenty years. They expect your cumulative play to be unprecedented.” He beams as we lean over and look at the projected stats of the game. “And Felix…” He pauses as he flips the page to show the goalie stats for the season. “They have you at the highest stats of any goalie in the league at this time.”

“Way to go, guys,” I say as we all stare dumbfounded at the projections.

“Now, the other guys have some fine stats here, but it’s been said they expect you five to carry us if you can keep yourselves straight,” he says. “In saying that, I’m going to say this. You need to bring your A game and give it all you’ve got. We’re so close, and I know we can work together to get the Stanley Cup and bring it home.” He speaks with such passion I can’t help but beam at him.

It’s been so hard to find a smile these past several days, yet here I am smiling with my brothers. I don’t know what could ruin this moment.

“We got your back, Coach,” Benjamin says as he pats Coach on the back.

“Yeah, well I hope so,” he says. “But also, I have to tell you, no matter the hoped-for stats, I need to mention that as of late, there’s been a weak link in the ranks and you guys need to make sure you’re at your strongest both physically and mentally to prepare for this.”

There it is. My smile falls as the realization hits me. He continues on as I pretend I’m listening to what he’s saying, but my mind is on a certain woman and how destroyed she looked when I screamed at her to get out of my apartment a few nights ago. The hurt in her eyes still stabs me in the heart like a knife, but I’m still pissed at her and can’t stand the thought of looking at her.

I’m the weak link…I have to be. He’s not looking directly at me, but it has to be one of the five of us, and I’m it. He wouldn’t call for just us, say all this, and have it be about someone else on the A team.

I try to brace myself as I veer back toward the conversation. I’m thankful Hayden is with Dean and his wife while I’m at this meeting, so I won’t have to see Amelia when I get home.

That’s the last thing I need after an exhausting day.

“Well, that’s it for now,” Coach says. He looks at me as if realizing I’ve been lost in my mind these past few minutes.

“Thanks, Coach,” I say as he gets to his feet.

I turn my chair around and push it under the table as the other guys do the same, and then head to my locker to grab a few things, trying to ignore the feelings welling up inside me.

“Hey, Jackson,” a voice calls from behind me. “Are you doing okay, man? You seem a bit off lately,” Oliver says as Coach steps into his office, leaving us alone.

I wonder if the guys have been sent to gang up on me now that the whole weak link speech has been made. All four of them were here before me, after all, so they could have gotten assigned to the Jackson-is-messed-up task force before I even got here.

“I’m good. I’ll be on my A game. We’ll get the cup,” I say, knowing my tone is short.

I know I’m just saying what Coach would want me to say, but it doesn’t feel good to talk like this to one of my best friends. Oliver gives me a weird look, and I can tell he knows I’m full of shit. I hope he doesn’t press the issue, but I can’t get that lucky. Before Oliver can say anything else, another voice speaks up.

“You’ve been distracted the last couple of practices, and you were spaced out while Coach was talking there at the end. Something is going on with you, so spill,” Felix says from beside Oliver, seemingly giving me no other choice than to talk.

“I’m fine, don’t worry about it. I’ll play my best at the next game,” I try to assure them. “It’s a big one after all.”

So far, Vaughn and Ben are just flanking the other guys. They haven’t said anything so far, but my gut tells me they will if Oliver and Felix can’t get to me.

“Jackson, we’re your friends—if something is wrong you can tell us about it. We want to help you in any way we can,” Vaughn finally cuts in from my other side.

I give him a small smile, but it’s the best I can do. I know these guys are just trying to do what’s best for me, but I don’t feel like doing this…not here, not now.

“If you’re not going to talk about what’s got you so fucked up with your friends in here…” Ben begins with a tone of irritation in his voice. If anyone is going to be straight with me, it’s going to be him. “Then you need to get your shit together out there,” he says, pointing out the door to the ice beyond the barrier.

“You know I always bring my—” I begin, but he cuts me off.

“You’re the weak link Coach is talking about, man,” Benjamin says, and I feel his irritation rubbing against me. “He’s just being nice about it and not calling you out in front of everyone.”

I don’t blame him for being harsh on me. I know I need to get my shit together. I’ve been so distracted thinking about Amelia ever since the breakup. I need to push her out of my mind and concentrate on what matters now, and that’s the game.

“Thanks for your sympathy, Ben. It means so much,” I say in a sarcastic tone, even though hurting him or any of the guys is the last thing I want.

I’m happy when Ben doesn’t balk. He doesn’t even look like I just spat venomous words at him.

“What’s the deal, man? Is something going on with Hayden? Talk to us,” Oliver pleads with me. “How’s her arm?” he asks, and I have to think to remember she had a hurt arm.

“It’s doing much better—it was good after a week,” I say, hoping the subject can be dropped.

“That’s fantastic, but there has to be something else going on if your head just isn’t in the game like it should be,” Ben adds, lifting his hand and placing it on my shoulder.

I look down at the floor and shake my head, ashamed to tell them about it because I hadn’t even told them how strong my feelings were for Amelia. Sure, I told them my feelings the day I finally asked her to be mine. They were the ones who encouraged me to get back in the game and go for it with Amelia in the first place.

I love them for it, but I wish I hadn’t gone there now.

They just don’t know that like had already turned to love .

I take a deep breath and meet their gazes one at a time before speaking.

“I know this is no excuse for my shitty playing, but uh…Amelia and I aren’t together anymore,” I say as I feel a lump start to form in my throat. “We were great together, and now we’re nothing…well, I’m her boss and she’s still employed under me, but that’s it, and there’s no hope of it ever being fixed.”

I blink my eyes really fast to keep the tears at bay. I didn’t want the guys to see me cry over a woman, even if I’d felt things for her that I never thought I’d feel again after my wife died. They already think I’m a weak link when it comes to the game, and I don’t want them to think I’m a weak link when it comes to my emotions.

Though…I’ve only shed a single tear this whole time, and crying might feel good. But now is not the time and place for all that. Fuck you, emotions .

“Aw, man, that sucks, dude. I’m sorry to hear that,” Felix says as he pats me on the back. “I know how much you liked having her around.”

“What happened? You two seemed so good together,” Oliver says quietly.

“I don’t really want to go into the why and how, but I promise I’ll be good by the game,” I tell them as I meet their gazes. “And I promise that if I need to talk about it, you four will be the first I go to. I don’t want the rest of the team to know my business, but you guys have been my brothers for years. You were there when Hayden was born, when I lost my wife, and I know you’ll be here for me now.”

They all nod, and I know I have to keep my word to them. I can’t let them down, no matter what I have to do to get Amelia and this whole damn situation out of my head.

I don’t know why, but I have a feeling that’s going to be even harder than I think.

I head back home, ready to see Hayden. She always makes me feel better no matter how bad I feel. I stop by Dean and Quinn’s and pick her up. As we drive home, I glance at her in the rearview mirror. Her little body gets lost in the back seat in the dark, but I know she’s here.

“Did you have fun, baby?” I ask her.

“Yes, Daddy,” she says. “I got to play on the slide with the other kids,” she coos with excitement from behind me.

“That’s so great—I’m glad you got a chance to play today.”

“Me too,” she says. “Do you think I can play with Amelia soon, Daddy?” she asks, and my heart drops.

“Soon, baby,” I say to her. “Soon.” I sigh as I pull into the driveway.

“Otay, Daddy,” she giggles.

“Did you get a bath at Uncle Dean’s house?” I ask as I get her out of the car, realizing her hair is wet.

“Yep.” She smiles at me. “Auntie Quinn had to wash the peanut butter from my hair. She said me getting a full bath might help you, and I got to play with bubbles !” She says that last word with so much joy.

I hug her tight to me as we make our way into the house, and after I have the door locked behind us, I haul her up to her room.

“It’s late, baby,” I say to her as I open her bedroom door. “We only have time for one song or one book tonight.” I smile at her as she snuggles into her bed under her covers.

“Read to me, Daddy,” she squeals.

I reach down and pick up our favorite book to read together. Because of this little girl and the smile she has on her face right now as she asks me to read her a goodnight story…I know that no matter what…everything will be alright.