Mind Pucked (Chicago Blue Jays #1)

19. Amelia

19

AMELIA

I don’t want to ruin the rest of the trip, so even though guilt is consuming me, I keep quiet and pretend that everything is okay for the rest of the weekend. It eats away at me, and I know Jackson can tell something is wrong by the time we get back home. It’s getting very hard to hide it, and I know at some point I’m going to have to talk to him, but the thought terrifies me. I don’t know how he’ll react if I tell him about everything I’ve learned.

My thoughts are all over the place. I can’t stop thinking about everything Preston told me. I keep trying to hide my feelings from Jackson, but I know he can sense my distraction.

“What’s wrong with you tonight? You’ve been distant ever since we got back,” he says after we get Hayden to bed.

Distant? I’ve been trying not to be distant, but maybe I’ve pulled away while trying to keep my emotions at bay. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head, trying to play it off like nothing is wrong. I’m not ready to tell him about everything yet. We’ve gotten to a really good place in our relationship and the last thing I want to do is ruin it.

I know I have to give him some sort of answer, but I don’t really know what to tell him. I look at him, his handsome face clouded with concern. I don’t want him to worry, so I try a simple response and hope that he buys it.

“I’ve just had a lot of things on my mind,” I say, hoping he’ll leave it at that. “I’ll be fine, you don’t have to worry. You have enough on your plate already.”

I should’ve known he wouldn’t let it go, and he doesn’t. He looks at me and crosses his arms over his chest, staring at me for a few long minutes as if he’s waiting for me to volunteer information. I stare back, giving him a look that says he’s not getting anything out of me.

He sighs and uncrosses his arms, making his way closer to me. My heart lurches in my chest at the thought that this might be the last time I have him this close to me, so I wrap my arms around him, holding him tight to me. I breathe in his scent and remember the night we shared at the Airbnb. It was the best night of my life and I want him to know it.

“I had a lot of fun with you and your family this past weekend, Jackson,” I say softly as I continue to breathe him in.

I feel him sigh and I know he’s getting frustrated with me because I’m not telling him what he wants to know. His arms tighten around me for a moment before they loosen, and he pulls back to look me in the face.

“Amelia, what is it? What’s so heavy on your mind?” he asks, his tone pleading. “We’re in this together now, remember? You can talk to me about anything. I want to know what’s bothering you so I can help you figure out how to fix it.”

My heart squeezes in my chest and fills with so much love for him as he says those words. I love him for wanting to help me deal with whatever’s on my mind, but I know that there’s no help for what’s going on in my head.

“I know you want to help, but there’s nothing anyone can do. I’m just stressed out about a few things…they’ll work themselves out. Please don’t worry.”

“Why won’t you tell me? Don’t you trust me enough to help you through whatever it is you’re going through without judging you?” he asks me, defensiveness in his voice.

I can tell he’s getting a bit offended at my closed mouth, and I know I’m running out of time. I’m going to have to tell him sooner or later. I just wish I had more time to think about how I want to tell him that I know why his wife is dead.

“I trust you, baby. I trust you with my life. It doesn’t have anything to do with that. It’s really nothing for you to worry about. I just don’t want you to worry about anything other than your upcoming game,” I tell him, stroking his cheek softly.

“I call bullshit, Amelia. You might as well tell me, because I’m not going to let it go until you do.” He leans against the counter, his arms crossed stubbornly.

I swallow hard. I know what’s coming and I know I can’t stop it. I have no more excuses. I have no more reasons not to tell him. He can clearly see that something other than stress is bothering me, and he’s not going to leave it alone until I tell him what’s really going on. I’ve imagined how he’s going to react to the words that are about to come out of my mouth, and I know it’s not going to go well.

I sigh deeply, taking him in. His eyes are soft as he looks at me, waiting for me to speak. My mouth goes dry, and it feels like my tongue is a big sheet of sandpaper in my mouth. I try to swallow it, but I can’t, so I move to the sink to get a glass of water. I take several gulps before setting the glass on the counter. I’m sure he thinks I’m stalling, but the physical reaction I’m having is very real. I don’t want to do this, but I know I have to.

“It’s okay, baby. Talk to me, please,” he urges.

I take another sip of water before putting the glass down and looking at him. His eyes are pleading with me. My heart aches even more.

I know I can’t keep it from him anymore. I have to be honest with him no matter what happens. He deserves to know the truth.

“When I was shopping the other day, the old friend I ran into was Preston,” I say softly.

Jackson’s eyes snap to mine and immediately harden. His brows furrow in confusion, and maybe even anger. He shakes his head as if he doesn’t want to believe what I’m saying.

“What? Come on, Amelia, don’t play around like that. That’s cruel.”

I watch him swallow hard. His throat bobs with the motion and I can hear him trying to steady his breathing. His hands clench and unclench, and his eyes bore into me as if examining my soul.

“I’m not playing around. I would never joke around about something like this. He was in one of the stores I went into after buying the shoes. He helped me pick the dress,” I tell him.

He laughs a bitter laugh, and moves away from me, looking at me as if he doesn’t know who I am anymore. I know it’s only going to get worse.

“Why didn’t you just tell me it was him? Why did you lie and say it was an old friend?” he asks. “Are you sure it was really him?”

“I didn’t lie, technically. He’s an old friend, but he’s also my brother,” I say, holding his gaze.

I watch as a myriad of emotions cross his face, and I brace myself for the storm of emotions that are about to come my way. He looks away from me for a few moments as he puts his hands on his hips and bites his bottom lip. His face twists into a look of pain, then anger. His lip quivers and I know he’s fighting back tears, and it tears my heart up. I never wanted to be the reason he feels pain. I never wanted to hurt him. I knew before I applied for the nanny position that it could go wrong, but I applied for it anyway. I know that things are about to get extremely bad, and I pray I can somehow fix this.

“What the fuck did you just say? Say it again.” At my hesitation, he bellows, “Say it again, Amelia!”

“Shh, Jackson, you’ll wake Hayden,” I say softly as I try to keep the tears at bay even though they’re burning the back of my eyes. “He’s…my brother.”

“Preston is your brother, and you didn’t tell me? Why wouldn’t you tell me something like that? Why did you pretend like you didn’t know who he was? You lied to me!” he cries out, anger bubbling to the surface.

His fist slams into the counter beside him, and for a moment I think the countertop is going to shatter. I reach out to stop him from doing it again, but he pulls back from my touch. My heart cracks when he does, and I know that this is really bad, and I may not be able to fix things.

The way he looks at me tells me that my worst fear might be coming true, and I can’t handle that thought. I’m going to lose him. I’m going to lose Hayden. I can see it coming as I watch him process the things I’ve said. I can tell he’s putting everything together in his mind and my heart aches that I’ve done this to him. I’ve made him doubt me, the things I’ve said, and us.

His face is red, and his fists are clenched at his sides. For a moment, I almost wish he’d hit me. I feel so guilty about everything I want to feel something else. I want to feel pain to distract me from the guilt that sits heavy in my chest. I don’t voice what I’m thinking as we stare at each other for a few seconds.

“Answer me, Amelia,” he demands through gritted teeth. “Now. I deserve an answer.”

“I didn’t think it mattered if you knew he was my brother or not,” I reply softly, unable to meet his gaze now. My heart aches as I hear him suck in a breath.

I know that’s wrong. I’ve always known it mattered. But if I’d told him from the beginning, it would’ve ruined everything. It would’ve been over before anything got started. My eyes stay trained on the floor as tears slip down my cheeks. I can feel the anger radiating from him, and I know if I look up at him it’s going to break my heart in two.

I hear him struggling to catch his breath and for a moment, I fear he’s going to have a panic attack he’s breathing so hard. It feels like he’s staring holes into my soul. I want to look at him because I know it’s most likely going to be my last time seeing him, but I can’t bring myself to meet his eyes. I know it’ll be too painful. I keep my eyes on the floor. My heart feels like it’s going to fall out of my chest into the pit of my stomach. I’m beginning to wish I’d never seen Preston in that store.

I feel Jackson slipping away from me with each passing second and I know there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m losing him. I just got him, and now I’m losing him. He’s going to take Hayden away from me too, I just know it.

The more I think about it, the more my heart sinks and my stomach swirls. I fight back a wave of nausea, and I grip the counter. I think I see concern flash in his eyes, but it’s gone just as quickly as it appears.

“Look at me, Amelia. I want you to look into my eyes and tell me the truth. No more lies. I want the truth. You really didn’t think it mattered whether I knew or not?”

I look up at him, my heart aching at the pain etched on his face. His eyes hold the betrayal in them, and I know he has every right to feel that way. I know I should’ve told him right from the start that I know Preston and am related to him. I messed things up. I sigh heavily and look down again, unable to see the pain in his eyes anymore.

“The fact that Preston is my brother has no effect on my skills as a nanny, Jackson.”

“You didn’t think it mattered? He got my wife killed—of course it matters!” he roars. “He was sleeping with my wife! It definitely fucking matters!”

I look up then and watch as he rakes a hand through his hair, pacing back and forth in front of me. I can tell he’s trying to process what I’ve told him, and I know I need to tell him the rest to clear Preston’s name with him.

“They weren’t sleeping together, Jackson,” I say quietly. “Please believe me. Preston wouldn’t do that, no matter how he feels about someone.”

“I suppose he told you that?” he asks sharply.

His tone makes me recoil a bit. I know this side of him is the one I’ll most likely get from now on, but there’s a part of me that still hopes he’ll be able to forgive me.

“Lyla was his half sister,” I tell him.

“You’ve got to be making this shit up. Why would you tell me all this? Why are you doing this?” he rants.

My heart breaks and I try to reach for him, but he steps back, not allowing me to touch him.

“Jackson, please. I’m not making anything up. I thought the same thing at first when the wreck happened, but he explained everything to me when I saw him in Cincinnati that day,” I say.

“What do you mean you thought the same thing? What did you think?” He stared at me with a hard gaze. “You didn’t put two and two together that the Preston I talked about was your brother? You’ve been asking for details about the wreck and what was found at the scene, but you’ve known the whole time. What kind of game have you been playing?”

“If I’m being honest, I did think they might have been sleeping together, and if I thought that, then maybe you did too,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest.

“What would it matter if I did think that?” he asks, a confused look on his face.

“Sometimes jealous husbands do things they wouldn’t normally do,” I reply tentatively.

The confusion changes to a look of shock. “You thought I’d be capable of killing your brother?” He shakes his head, his anger rising even more. “How could you think that of me? We’ve never really liked each other, but I’d never kill him.”

“I wanted to be sure,” I say softly.

“So, if you thought I was capable of killing your brother, then I’d have to be capable of killing my wife too, right?” he asks me, his face full of rage.

“No! I know you’d never do that! Her being there was an accident,” I reply. “My father put a hit out on Preston because Preston found out he wasn’t his father, and my father was afraid Preston he would tell secrets of the family business to others, especially Lyla, since Preston had only just found out Lyla was his half sister on his dad’s side. Preston has been in Cincinnati trying to figure out how to take my father down.” I can hear how far-fetched the story sounds, but I pray he’ll believe me. It’s the only thing that makes sense, puts all the pieces together…

“I can’t believe you actually did this to me, to Hayden. You pretended not to know anything about them, and you wormed your way in trying to figure out if I killed them. You lied about everything, didn’t you? You lied about us?”

“Of course not! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you any of this, Jackson. I was afraid. I was afraid of what you’d think. I know that you and Preston have never gotten along, and I wasn’t sure how you’d react to having his sister as your nanny. But I never lied about my feelings for you. I care about you so much. Everything I’ve said to you is true. Everything I feel about you—it’s real for me.”

He looks at me and shakes his head, tears streaming down his face. I reach out to wipe them from his cheeks, but he bats my hand away.

“Get out. We’re done,” he says in a low, angry tone.

My heart completely shatters in my chest at his words. My world crashes down around me and my head is spinning. I fight the tears that threaten to spill down my face, and I shake my head, unwilling to believe it’s going to end just like that. I know I should’ve told him the truth, but I’m trying to make it right. Why can’t he forgive me?

“Jackson, please, don’t do this,” I whisper as I fight to keep my voice steady. “I’m sorry about everything.”

“You can continue being Hayden’s nanny, because she’s been through so much in her short little life, but you and I are nothing but boss and employee,” he says. “Get out. Now.”

“Jackson, I’m sorry—it was wrong of me to assume the things I did about you, and it was wrong of me to try and investigate it on my own and lie to you, but my feelings for you are real. Please, please forgive me,” I beg as tears begin to slide down my cheeks.

For a moment I see his eyes soften as he sees the tears, but then the mask goes up and his gaze is hard again. His jaw clenches and unclenches in time with his fists.

“Amelia! We’re through! Get the fuck out of my house and don’t come back until it’s time for you to watch Hayden again.”

My eyes search his face for any kind of remorse or uncertainty, and when I don’t find any, I run for the entryway, grabbing my purse. I fling the door open, looking back at him one more time before leaving the house.

Once the door closes behind me, sobs rack my chest and my heart shatters as I leave him behind. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to continue working for him after this, but I have to find a way for the sake of that little girl. She’s been through too much to lose another person she loves, and I won’t do that to her. I won’t let him do it to her either. I’ll continue working there no matter what it takes or how much it hurts.