Mistletoe Misses

Chapter 9

Carmen

A re you excited for your date?” I tease Maddox after dinner to get him talking. Ever since Sadie retreated to her room, he’s been in his head and impossible to read. How can we overcome the awkwardness between us if I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling?

“It’s not a date,” he says with zero emotion, and I appreciate the answer.

“We’ll see.” Can’t blame Jada for trying. He did look exceptionally handsome that day—as he does every time our paths cross. He keeps getting better and better the more he loosens up. And tonight is no exception, especially seeing him with Sadie for the first time. Their connection and the way he talks to her, with complete adoration and respect, takes my breath away.

Sitting alone with him on the couch, the soft glow from the nearby lamp highlights his strong, rugged features, and I can’t tear my eyes away. Whenever his gaze meets mine, I feel like I’m his—like he wants to be mine again. At this point, I’d do whatever, surrender almost anything, to make that happen. But first, he needs to trust me.

“I’m glad you came over.”

A soft grin tips the corner of his mouth, the same honest amusement Sadie brings out in him, and I’m grateful he’s no longer looking at me like I’m a monster.

“Me, too,” he says before his gaze darts away in a sudden burst of nervousness. “I’m sorry for shutting you out the other day in the truck.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. I ambushed you.”

“And surprised me.”

“You’re surprised I still have feelings for you?”

His eyes, green in this lighting, dart to me and hold, searching for the truth. I hope he finds how much I mean it.

“Well, yeah. We haven’t spoken in a very long time.” A deep breath showcases how much that day haunts him. “I thought you forgot about us,” he confesses, giving me a dangerous sliver of hope that our story isn’t over yet.

Without thinking of the repercussions, I reach for him, my hand falling onto his forearm to make my point. He doesn’t jump at my touch, like he did in the truck, and it means so much. “Maddox, I could never forget. You were my everything.”

He skewers me with a sharp gaze. “If that were true, why not try to make it work long distance?”

Something akin to panic with a dose of desperation settles in my gut. This conversation took a sudden grim turn, and I’m terrified he’ll shut it down before I can have my say.

“That’s the same question I most often ask myself.” Too many times, I’ve relived the events leading up to my decision and wondered how I ever said goodbye to him. Those same questions only spiraled out of control since he waltzed back into my life. “And I have no explanation other than being a stupid, selfish kid who didn’t know how good she had it until it was gone.”

If he was upset before, he’s the embodiment of raw, unfiltered fury now. His breathing has quickened, and he can’t bring himself to look at me—something he had no problem doing just moments ago. The message is clear. He believes that if my career had flourished, or if Sadie hadn’t come to me, I would still be gone with no regret over breaking up with him.

Saddened that I make him wonder about my love for him, I find a way to set the record straight. “Maddox, I’ve always felt this way, not just after everything fell apart. We’d always been together, and the second we weren’t, I missed you desperately. I couldn’t share my joys or burdens with you or poke at you with endless questions about your day. Knowing you were hurting and not being there to hold you—it was torture.”

His hands wring together, knuckles turning bone-white under the strain of his frustration. “You could have changed that,” he says, his jaw clenched tight and pulsing.

“I thought I was doing what was best for you.” It’s a pitiful excuse, but an honest one. “I didn’t want you to waste your life waiting for me to chase my dream. But after getting my first job months later, I realized the dream meant nothing if you weren’t there to share it with me.”

“Nine years, Carmen. You had nine years to tell me this. Why didn’t you reach out?” His body shudders in a fight for calm amid his pain and mine does the same.

I feel his every emotion as if it were happening to me, and I hate doing this to him. Hate how much I’ve damaged him and continue to do so just by being here.

“You were overseas then, and by the time you returned, I assumed you’d moved on and found happiness with someone else. I didn’t want to upset that or you.”

“Why not ask someone? My entire family knew the truth.”

The truth grinds its way through like a dull knife. The truth that he spent years despising me for what I did, hurting alone.

“I heard pieces here and there, but I didn’t want to accept it. It broke me to think of you unhappy, and I had Sadie and my parents counting on me.” I sigh out my frustration and slink away, cold emptiness filling me instantly without the feel of him to warm me. “I’m not proud of it, but I was afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Seeing you with someone else, even though I prayed for you to find her.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I wanted you to be happy.”

“Being with you made me happy.”

My chin quivers from a dam of emotions pushing against my wavering strength, but I can’t stop now. He’s finally opening up, allowing our exploratory conversation to venture further. “Have you dated?”

He stares at me, surely questioning if he should answer, and I have to wonder if I’m properly equipped to hear it. “Not really. I was married to the service and then to my job.”

Although he doesn’t ask, he deserves to know everything. “I tried.”

“I know.”

“You do? How?”

“I followed you on social media for the first two years.”

That means he saw things I’m not proud of and later deleted. “None of my past relationships were serious. I didn’t understand why they never went anywhere until you came back.” And showed me where I left my heart. Taking his hand, I hold it gently between us. “My feelings for you are as strong as they were then. How could I give my heart to another when it’s not mine to offer?”

“That’s not helping.” Pulling free, he rises and stalks across the room.

“Helping what?”

He whips around to face me, the unrestrained anger and pain I saw at his parents’ house back with a vengeance. “Me getting over you,” he blurts, twisting the jagged weapon lodged in my breastbone until my heartache bleeds out.

“Is that what you want?” I manage through the pain.

“I thought I did.”

At the past-tense use, hope forms like a soothing bandage on my wound, allowing me to ask, “And now?”

“I don’t know.” His hands rub down his face and slump by his sides.

“What if I tell you again? Say it plainly so there’s no miscommunication. You can let it sink in before deciding.”

Cautiously, I cross to him and take his hands. He doesn’t flinch or retreat. His eyes find mine and hold me captive while he wades through his emotions. From disbelief to resentment to hurt and finally curiosity. He feels it all, but at least he isn’t running.

“What is it?” he whispers, caution shredding his voice and me in the process.

“I love you, Maddox. I never truly understood how much until I saw you again.”

His breath hitches and holds, and I can see it strangling him. A hard swallow ripples in his throat. “You don’t know me. I’m not the same person I was back then.”

“Maybe not, but I see the man you’ve become and would like to get to know him better. A trial run second chance, so to speak.”

He steps away to put some space between us and turns his back to me.

“You don’t have to answer tonight,” I offer, not wanting to rush him. “Think about it, and see how—”

He whips around, eyes laser-focused on me. “I think about nothing else, Carmen. Twenty-four seven, you’re all I ever think about, even though I try not to.”

“Maddox.” I want to be comforted by knowing I’ve been on his mind, but he makes it sound like a problem—like he wishes he could forget me.

I go to him, and he mirrors me, fueling my suspicions and fears. He’s so close, but I can’t touch him and that may hurt worse than being apart.

“I need more time,” he says.

“Okay,” I concede. Whatever he wants, he can have it, but I won’t let him walk out of my life without a fight.

He watches me a bit, turmoil over what to do evident in his eyes, before heading to the door. Framed in the opening, he looks back at me, and I’m struck once again by how beautiful he is. Everything from his physical appearance down to his generous heart. Kaitlyn had been right, and there’s no sense in denying it any longer. Maddox is my soulmate, and without him, I’ll be forever lost.

“See you tomorrow,” he says, thankfully proving he hasn’t shut me out yet, and snaps his fingers for Trixie to follow.

“Tomorrow it is.”

◆◆◆

Maddox

It’s 3:05 AM, and Carmen’s confession and request for a second chance has kept me up half the night. My thoughts keep rocking back and forth between frustration that our past came up in conversation and relief that it did. Wanting to take her offer and wanting to take five giant steps backward. Missing her more than usual and being grateful for the wide berth she’s giving me. It’s maddening.

While our talk tonight opened a few old scars, it also healed others. I no longer feel like I’m suffocating when she’s close, and my instinct to run hasn’t elbowed me in the ribs, so that’s progress. Maybe my feelings for her weren’t buried as deep as I thought … or at all.

I sit up and strip my T-shirt off my sweating body. Can I still be in love with Carmen? That possibility has spiked a few internal defense mechanisms, waking up Trixie. She trots up from the foot of the bed to give me a few lazy blinks.

“Sorry, girl.” I rub her fluffy head to make up for the sudden movement. Her big, glossy eyes look at me with concern, melting my anxiety like it never had a thorny grip on my throat in the first place.

She barks, and I lie down with a pat on my chest, giving her personal contact if she needs it. She’s surely missing Dottie, and my fumbling self isn’t helping her cope in her strange new surroundings. Climbing up, she licks my cheek and settles her sweet face on her paws, giving me several more slow blinks until I give her attention. I haven’t figured out if that glare is out of annoyance or adoration. With the way my touch seems to settle her, I choose to believe I’m growing on her.

“I could’ve used your company in Boston,” I tell her like she can understand me. “I was offered a position on the K9 team, but my apartment doesn’t allow dogs, and I didn’t have the energy to relocate. Plus, German shepherds are way more work than you.”

Her head pops up like I said something insulting, and my fingers brush down her side, a doggie message to let her know she’s perfect in my eyes.

“Don’t get your fur in a bunch, I’m glad you’re low maintenance. All the women I’ve met since discharge have been needy, always expecting me to go out and spend time with them.”

Trixie’s yawn comes with a moan that mimics annoyance, giving me a chuckle.

“My sentiments exactly. So irritating.” Settling in to watch her sleep—happy at least one of us will get some rest tonight—I trail my fingertips down her side again.

Seeing her so peaceful helps me find a similar state of being, and I lay unmoving for the next hour, trying not to disturb her beauty sleep. That’s why I let out a few choice words when my phone vibrates on the bedside table. All my efforts gone to waste.

Her head and my blood pressure pops up at the sound. Who in the hell is texting me at four o’clock in the morning?

Cooper: You up?

Me: Unfortunately. Everything okay?

Cooper: Yeah. I’m at the airport. Bored out of my freakin’ mind. There’s only so long I can watch people try to sleep in odd shapes in the godforsaken pleather chairs.

Me: At least you brought your positive attitude with you.

Cooper: Locked up safe and sound in my carry-on. Doubt it will be coming out anytime soon.

Me: Maybe Mom can get it out of you. You’re on your way home, right? Or is there some top-secret mission that requires you to fly incognito with sleepy civilians?

Cooper: No mission this time. Other than bringing Mom’s special Christmas present. Don’t tell her.

Me: I thought I was her present.

Cooper: You’re old news now. Time for a newer model.

Me: I guess you can butt in… for Mom’s happiness. I might also be a tad bit excited to see you.

Cooper: Why wouldn’t you be? I am the coolest brother you have.

Me: And the most conceited.

Cooper: No one beats Aaron on that meter.

Me: True. I take it back.

Cooper: Good. How are things with you?

I check on Trixie, giving me a second to find an answer for that unreasonable question. She jumps down to snuggle next to me on the mattress, and I shake out my arms. It’s weird how holding a phone over a tiny dog aches worse than bench pressing my weight in the gym. Seizing the opportunity to find a more comfortable position for a text conversation, I sit up and lean back against the pull-out couch cushion to rest my sore arms in my lap.

“Whew, that’s better. Right, girl?”

Her pale eyelids slide closed a few lazy times before resting her chin on the mattress.

“Still don’t know what that means, but I’ll figure it out.”

Getting back to Cooper, I type the only answer that comes to mind in my crazy, whirlwind existence here in Ember Falls.

Me: Confusing.

Cooper: Care to elaborate?

Cooper: Never mind. I guess that means you took your brother’s awesome advice and talked to Carmen.

Me: Easy guess.

Cooper: And?

Me: We’re seeing each other again tomorrow.

Cooper: Again? Wow.

Me: It’s a long story.

Cooper: You want to go, right?

Me: I think so. She said she has feelings for me and wants another chance.

Cooper: Wow. Didn’t see that coming. How do you feel?

Me: Confused.

Cooper: It’s all making sense now.

Cooper: You don’t have to go through with it if you’re not ready.

Me: I think I want to. Need to.

Cooper: OK. Stay in control and get what you need before deciding what you want. Everything else is bonus.

Cooper: Signing off. The guy in the chair next to me is snoring, and if he starts to lean my way, I need to be ready.

Me: To provide a comfy shoulder or punch him?

Cooper: What do you think?

Shaking my head, I set the phone down, and my thoughts go haywire in the silence. I have a thousand worries about seeing Jada and Carmen soon. Like Cooper, I’ve been trained to anticipate the worst-case scenarios before they happen. It’s easier to protect yourself and others if you know what to expect. With so many hearts on the line and no clear idea of what might happen during the upcoming not-a-date gathering, I can’t stop my brain from racing through all the possible outcomes. Although running away isn’t a viable option this time, it the first one to populate.

Having to mitigate Jada’s feelings already has me on edge. Add in Carmen’s presence to the mix, along with my own unpredictable emotions, and I might as well toss myself over the cliff now. Until last night, I’ve barely managed to be in the same room as Carmen, and I have no idea how I will react to spending all day with her, much less another woman. At. The. Same. Time.

My muscles tighten in anticipation of so many unknowns, drawing Trixie to my lap as if she feels it too and wants to help. Maybe she’ll be my therapy dog while I’m here. If her special kind of therapy helps, maybe I should adopt a dog to take back to Boston. It might be what I need to stay on track there and out of Captain Emory’s office going forward.