Mistletoe Misses

Chapter 10

Maddox

A rriving at the Rubber Ducky Sled Race registration area in Adeline Park on the edge of town, my eyes land on Carmen and Sadie bundled together by the fire pit ahead. All the prep work I did to prepare myself for this outing evaporates, and just like that, I’m knocked back to ground zero.

Where’s Trixie when I need her? It was stupid of me to leave her with Mom, but I already had two women to juggle today and thought I couldn’t handle one more. I know how that sounds, but I’ve been here for less than five minutes, and I’m lost already. I need Trixie and her sweet, cuddly distractions to help me think.

Seeing Carmen again as the nurturing, devoted mother I always knew she could be throws me off balance. Is it wrong that I’m wildly attracted to that side of her and eager to know more? The problem is her other side—the one that makes my heart instinctively brace behind an armored shield while it installs flashing caution signs in all directions. My internal back-off defense mechanism.

But I can’t keep letting the past dictate my present, can I? I need to tear down these barriers and reclaim the peace and contentment I once had. For too long, I’ve been trapped in the cold, lifeless shadow of what was, too afraid to hope for what could be.

Determined, I urge myself to move forward, to take the first leap toward Carmen. But before I get off the ground, Jada and Easton join me, their presence a stark reminder of the promise I forgot about during my daydreaming. I freeze, caught between two women as Jada’s gaze follows the focus of mine. Her smile dips ever so slightly, and that small crack in her sunny composure means I’m being a jerk already. I hurt her feelings at the very start of our not-a-date—albeit unintentionally—but she quickly recovers with a resilience I wish I could muster.

Going from a view of Carmen to Jada is a blow to the system, and my thoughts stumble over themselves to get to my lips. A one-word response is all I can muster. “Hi.”

“Duckies,” Easton says, pointing at the entry table full of rubber duckies in every color.

“Yes, sweetheart. We’ll get one soon.” Coming back to me, she rests a hand on my arm.

Her touch doesn’t have the same effect on me as Carmen’s. In fact, I have no response at all. She’s an attractive, vibrant woman vying for my affection, and I feel nothing.

“Thank you for coming,” she continues. “I’m sure you have plenty of places you’d rather be.”

Without permission, my gaze shifts to Carmen through the trees. Is that where I’d rather be?

“Maddox?”

“Sorry.” For a distraction, I lean forward to see Easton beside her. “What color duck do you want, buddy?”

“Blue.”

“Best color ever, especially for cops like your dad and me, right?”

“Right!” He jumps into the air to smack the hand I held out for him. “I want to be a cop.”

“That’s awesome. Your dad would be so proud. Now, let’s go get that blue duck to honor him.”

Easton bounces up to me, and I lift him onto my shoulders. While Jada checks him in with the volunteers, we make our way to the fire pit. Sadie sees us first and jumps up to give me a hug.

“Hi, Easton.” She waves up at him, and his heels bang against my abs with excitement. “Are you ready for the race?”

“Yeah!” He shows her the duck he chose. “What color is your ducky?”

Sadie reaches into her coat pocket and holds up her red one for him to admire.

“Nice to see you again, Carmen,” Jada says, peppering in some forced patience. If she stood any closer, I’d be holding her, too.

“I love your scarf.” Matching her tone, Carmen holds her position. She made her intentions concerning me known the other night, and her unwavering eyes seem to be giving the same message to Jada.

“Thanks.” Jada turns to me, her arm hooking with mine in a show of possession. Guess she has some intentions of her own and isn’t pleased with Carmen and Sadie crashing our not-a-date. I’m still clueless in the what-to-do-next category. “Shall we head to the creek and prepare Easton for launch?” Jada asks, pointing me toward an answer.

“Great idea.” Carmen takes Sadie’s hand. “We’ll come, too.” She flashes a grin at us both and heads toward the trail.

The long walk to the top of the hill is a silent one, except for Easton and Sadie’s random chatter about the things they see along the way. To traverse the narrow, wooden trail, Jada leaves her post beside me to help Easton over rocks and roots in our path. Sadie and Carmen guide the line, and I’m the caboose on this awkward train with a full view of my two options.

The weight of their pasts has molded the very different personalities of each single mother. Jada’s grace and resilience, after enduring unfathomable loss so early in her marriage and raising a young child alone, is something I deeply admire. Her sweet personality and gentle spirit offer a calming change. Around her, I’m as relaxed as I can be in unfamiliar territory but also unaffected.

Carmen, on the other hand, sends me into a tailspin if I simply think of her, much less see or hear her. She sacrificed the career she worked her entire life for to raise her friend’s child—a testament to the selflessness I’d been drawn to growing up. She made me want to be a better person. To put others first and go after what I want without hesitation as she did. But that drive of hers destroyed me once, and it could do so again.

When she asked for a second chance, I wanted to believe we could find our way back to each other. But trust, once broken, is not easily mended, especially after all that’s happened. If we were to become something other than exes—friends or otherwise—I need to be able to trust her. Without it, we have nothing.

Outside of Jada and Carmen, and whatever it is they want from me, their children have already woven me into their lives with innocent ease. With Sadie and Easton, there’s no questioning where I stand or how I feel. I’m a lost cause, hopelessly devoted to them for as long as they’ll have me.

“Over there,” Carmen calls as we come to a snow-covered clearing. Next to a coffee and donut stand is a craft area for the kids to make a sled for their duck out of cardboard, popsicle sticks, plastic piping, and more. Once Easton and Sadie start construction with Parks and Recreation volunteers, she says, “I need some coffee. Anyone like to come along?”

“I already had some this morning, and I should stay in case Easton needs help,” Jada answers and waits for mine.

It’s a test. The direction I choose—go with Carmen or stay with Jada—will speak volumes about where my heart is leaning and change the entire direction of this train for the rest of the day. Nope. Not doing it.

“You go ahead,” I tell Carmen, and Jada beams until I say, “Be right back.”

Before she can protest or hold me there with questions, I walk in the opposite direction as Carmen with no plan. Hopefully, I’ll see something that will save me soon. I didn’t think it through when Sadie asked me to come with her today. I could only think about making her happy, and in doing that, I made it infinitely harder on myself.

I pass a few families standing by heaters and more at the trail’s exit. Approaching the information table, a woman in a white jacket and fluffy earmuffs waves me over.

“Hi, Maddox. What are you doing here?”

There’s that question again, and per the usual, I’m starting to wish I weren’t.

“I’m sorry. You probably don’t remember me.” She steps out from behind the table and holds out a gloved hand. “I’m Veronica, Mayor Whitacre’s better half.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Did my husband force you to volunteer at this event too?”

“No. I’m here with …” I find the craft table across the field, giving me time to somehow figure out how to put a label on my companions. Friends doesn’t fit. Girlfriends ? Just the plural of that word is ridiculous and wholly false. Someone I’ve known my entire life and someone I just met, both of whom are out to make me theirs —too complicated and embarrassing. I watch Carmen return to the others before giving my attention back to Veronica. By the knowing smile she’s giving me, she saw everything I did.

“I get it,” she says, and my core heats with humiliation. How can everyone understand me and my life while I’m in the dark about both?

“You do? Maybe you can enlighten me.” Where did that come from?

“You’re exploring your options … as you should. Live it up and let them fight over you.” She winks. “Who knows what you’ll discover about them and yourself along the way? You might even have a little fun.”

My mouth drops open, too surprised to respond, before I realize and appreciate the rarity of that advice. “You’re the first person who hasn’t encouraged me to jump headfirst into my past. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome but stop worrying so much. No one will think you’re a jerk if you enjoy your bachelorhood. You’re young. Do young people things for once, Maddox.”

“I did miss out on that.”

“Yes, you did. Now, get back over there and flirt with both if you want. Spend time with whoever gets your motor going. You’re not chained to any decision you’ve made or will consider making. This time in your life is for figuring out what makes you happy. So, do it.”

I’ve been talking to this woman for less than five minutes, and I already love her. “It’s too bad you’re taken.”

“It is a shame.” She flashes me a playful smile and pats my arm. “Turn that charm on them and anyone else who steals your attention and see what happens.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Heading back to the others, I’m feeling better. Even hopeful for an easy, uneventful afternoon, but I’m not sure I can do as Veronica recommended. I’m not a flirt and haven’t exercised that muscle since high school, and even then, it was only with Carmen. It’s always been only Carmen . I wouldn’t even know how to start. And if I did, wouldn’t I be leading them on? I have no idea what I want or where my actions may take us. Isn’t that rude and inconsiderate when I have no conceivable intentions or thoughts of commitment with either of them beyond this month? My job and life in Boston await my return.

Enjoy it , Veronica had said. Yeah, right.

A whistle blows from the information booth, and the entire crowd zeroes in on me as if I made the noise. I stop mid-stride, frozen in my insecurities, as I watch every kid within listening range take off from where they’d been playing to surround me. They meet me with expectation and excitement, and I’m trapped.

“Maddox.” I find Veronica standing outside the swarm of kids. She reaches over their heads to pass me a piece of paper. “Since your charm has the attention of our eager participants, maybe you would be best to deliver this information.”

“What?” How do I keep getting myself into these messes?

“Just read it and have fun.” With a wink, she slinks back to the other awaiting adults, all of whom are expecting event instructions… from me .

Skimming the crowd beyond, all the faces blur in my heightened blood pressure until I locate Sadie. Do what we do , her lips say, but my pulse races too loud in my ears to know if any sound accompanies the gesture. It’s my cue to act my way through this. If Maddox can’t gather enough nerve to read a few words off a piece of paper, I should find a persona inside me who can.

Sergeant Henderson emerges first. I’ve worked many events in Boston, shuffling and guiding patrons for hours on end. And this is not the Boston Marathon. It’s children and sledding and rubber duckies for goodness’ sake. Putting on my cop hat, I read the instructions, accentuating the most important information in my friendly, no-nonsense tone.

“So, what’s rule number one?” I ask, holding up a finger to my enthusiastic audience to recap.

“Stay out behind the ducks,” they yell in unison.

“Great. What’s rule number two?”

“Be safe.”

“And rule number three?”

“Have fun!” The group squeals and bounces, many on me, and I end up with a kid on each hip and another latched to my leg.

“You’ve got it. Now, let the race begin.” They all take off in a blur of colorful winter coats and hats toward the starting line with family and friends close behind.

I do this sort of thing all the time, but never once did I appreciate or enjoy it. It’s always been about what the job required, not what it meant to the people I led.

“You were amazing, Maddox,” Veronica compliments as she hurries by. “Thanks.”

“Not like I had a choice.”

She walks backwards to face me. “You always have a choice.” The mischievous smile returns to her lips to remind me of her advice before she jogs down the path. Will I get to work and find a way forward or sit back and let myself falter once again?

Pivoting to escape both options, I almost crash into Jada and Carmen. I seem to have forgotten all my tactical training the second I stepped foot in this town. Both women stare up at me as if I’d just saved a litter of kittens from a burning building. Take it from me, ladies, I’m not that special.

“Great job, officer,” Carmen teases.

Ignoring her, I toss a thumb over my shoulder and change the subject. “We should go find the kids.”

“They’re right behind you.” Carmen smirks, enjoying my unease a little too much. Especially since she has a lot to do with my mood … whether she means to or not.

Spinning, I gladly take Easton and Sadie’s hands and leave the women to walk together. This trio combination is one I can navigate, allowing me to settle into Teacher Henderson mode.

At the edge overlooking the starting line, I give Sadie and Easton tips on setting their duck in the snow, keeping track of it among the group, and racing down the slope to the finish line. We’ll be close behind if help is needed, but they’ll have the most fun following along with the other kids. Stumbling over friends in the deep snow and laughing when ducks get caught in a pile or tip over in the groves are some of the best memories I have. It’s pure chaos in the best possible way.

When Veronica calls for the ducky contestants to set up, Jada and Carmen step up to stand on either side of me. They’re both quiet—the tension as thick and cold as a block of ice.

“You were amazing back there,” Jada finally says with a touch of my forearm, her night-dark eyes finding mine with a few bats of her lashes.

I couldn’t be further outside my element. “Thanks.”

“I didn’t know you were such a showman.”

A chuckle spurts out of me at the absurd idea of me on stage. “That’s—”

“I did,” Carmen chimes in. “He had lots of practice growing up.”

The hours we spent practicing her lines as teenagers resurface, and a flame ignites in my core. Those rehearsals were my favorite because they quickly turned into hot, drive-me-crazy make out sessions. I think about kissing adult Carmen like that, but this time with no restrictions, and instantly regret it. That pesky little flame flares and spreads throughout my body, making me unzip my coat to let out the steam.

“You okay?” Jada asks. “Can I get you anything?”

“No. I’m fine.” And a liar. “Thanks.”

I catch Carmen’s smug grin in my periphery, but I don’t dare look at her.

“Oh, there’s Easton,” Jada says when her son emerges from the crowd and waves her over.

“It was fun seeing you work earlier,” Carmen says when we’re alone but keeps her eyes forward. “There’s nothing sexier than a hot cop who’s good with children. I think you earned yourself a few more female admirers with that performance.”

“Dad says firefighters are better.”

“He’s biased, and they’ve got nothing on you, my friend.” She waves a hand in front of her face, mirroring the fire smoldering under my skin being this close to her.

“Friend?”

That inquiry has her shifting toward me, and I can’t stop myself from meeting her gaze. “Always,” she confirms, then adds, “until you decide to claim a different title.”

This is when I should say something flirty back as Veronica suggested, but nothing comes forward. The easy confessions that roll off Carmen’s tongue rattle me and shut off my brain. I’m searching for something poignant to say when Jada returns.

“That boy is something else,” she swoons, her proud momma smile fading as she notices the new heat radiating off Carmen and me. I wouldn’t be surprised if it materialized in the frigid air and covered us in a cloud of smoke.

Carmen smooths the loose strands of her hair, like something—maybe me—had tousled it while Jada was away and pulls her knitted hat into place. “Shall we get closer to the action? They’re about to start.”

I hang back to give myself time to recover, but Jada waits to walk with me. So much for that.

“You should see how excited Easton is. This may be the first time he’s felt at home since we moved here.”

“I’m glad he’s having fun.”

“It’s because of you. Would you let me treat you to dinner after this to thank you?” she asks, and I admire her boldness.

Any man with half a brain would jump at an opportunity to say yes to that question. Where I stand on the topic is a mystery. My life feels like an unassembled puzzle with no picture or guide. All the pieces of something great are there; I just have no idea how to put it all together. Because of that, I don’t deserve the effort she’s giving me.

Grabbing my arm, she stops me and waits until Carmen is out of listening range. Her eyes raise to mine. “I know you’re trying to find your way while you’re here, especially where she’s concerned.” She tilts her head in the direction Carmen went.

My expression must have exposed my shock, making her say, “There are no secrets in this town, Maddox. It’s the first thing I learned.”

“Jada—”

“I want you to kiss me, Maddox,” she demands, her voice trembling as it floats on a heavy sigh. She grabs hold of my coat and pulls herself closer. The scent of her sweet, coconut shampoo contrasts with the pines and saturated ground around us, and I’m just as confused. What happened to her tranquil nature? Where is this desperate plea coming from? “I beg you to put me out of my misery. Kiss me and tell me you don’t feel the same attraction I do.”

“Jada, that’s not a good idea.”

“Is it because she’s here or is it me?”

“Whether Carmen’s here or not, this is not the time or place for that kind of exploration.”

Her eyes flicker between mine, trying to read me. I reach for her hand. “Let’s talk privately afterward. Okay?”

“I’d like that.” With an unsteady smile, she lets go of my hand and slips both of hers into her coat pockets. “And you’re right. Thank you for not treating me like a crazy person. I have no idea where that came from.”

“It’s okay. Women ask me to kiss them all the time. It’s kind of a curse.” I force my lips into a broad smile, a sign that I still see her as the amazing woman she is.

“You’re the best. I hope you know that.”

“I’m working on it. Come on. We don’t want to miss the excitement.”

◆◆◆

The annual Spectacular Rubber Ducky Sled Race went off without a hitch. Neither Easton nor Sadie won, but that didn’t matter. They had a blast watching their ducks get lost in the madness and being kids. Often, during the race, I envisioned myself doing this with them again next year, then forced myself not to. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and I haven’t a clue where I’ll be in a month, much less next year.

Soon after collecting his duck from the finish line, Jada took Easton home to rest, the excitement of the race wearing him out early. She didn’t bring up dinner or my promise to talk, and I wonder if there’s a reason.

I attempted to keep my focus on the kids and not any one woman in our weird not-a-date triangle. Maybe my effort to avoid upsetting them by staying neutral did exactly that. Maybe Jada noticed I’m not neutral at all—only pretending for her sake—and that’s just as painful. But given my surroundings, I resign to worrying about Jada’s feelings later. No way will my wayward thoughts and the events of today let me sleep tonight, giving me plenty of time to figure something out.

“I think this is the most fun Sadie’s had at this event so far,” Carmen says after the three of us travel to the hot cocoa stand downtown.

I watch her rub her hands together and bounce through the cold evening breeze. Whenever she would do that years ago, I’d hold her inside my coat until she stopped shivering. I wonder if she’s testing me to see if the old habit lingers within. Just because I remember doesn’t mean I’ll take the bait.

“I’m glad,” I finally say. “She deserves to be a kid every now and then.”

“I tell her that all the time.”

While we wait for our orders, she leans on the counter to face me, her eyes gently challenging me to stop resisting the magnetic force trying to bring us together. At least the Maddox temptation competition has ended, and there’s only one woman trying to win my attention. Much more manageable… if it weren’t Carmen.

Collecting our steaming cups, we find a picnic table under the heated tent nearby. Sadie sits across from us and says something to Carmen, but I can’t comprehend it. My brain blocks every other sensory input except where Carmen’s body connects to mine—shoulder, hip, thigh, foot. She’s so close I can smell her shampoo, starting a competition of my own. Desire and caution course through my veins, and I have no idea which will win out if I’m presented with a choice.

Especially when I can’t stop wondering how it would feel to hold her again. To experience her surrender as if I’m the only man she’s ever craved. To follow the curve of her body with my hands, claiming her as mine. That’s the desire talking.

My cautious side waves another flag. Giving in to that fantasy solves none of our issues. Our connection is far more complicated than sexual desire and gravely wounded. With those scars on my mind, avoid and escape instincts have my leg twitching under the table.

If it weren’t for Sadie’s energy and the line of curious Ember Falls residents stopping by, I might have found an excuse to remove myself. But alas, the town seems to have sent out a Maddox and Carmen flare, calling everyone to this location to ask all their not-so-subtle questions and keep us here longer than intended.

The news of our being out together will be the talk of the town tomorrow. Carmen seems content with the entrapment and rumors that will spread like a pandemic after this. I, on the other hand, am still floundering to work through the twists and turns of my evolving emotional maze where she’s concerned.

The gossip line eventually ends, and I’m exhausted. After walking the girls home, Sadie rushes inside their apartment, leaving me and my awkwardness alone with Carmen in the hallway.

“Thank you for today,” she says, holding my gaze with expectation. For what, I don’t know, but I think I want to find out.

On the quiet hike here, I talked myself into exploring a little more in hopes that it would help me figure out where I stand on her requested second chance.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” she asks.

“Same as I do every day—working on the bookshop.”

“Sadie and I are going to the holiday bazaar and the Christmas Parade and Tree Lighting Ceremony afterward. Would you like to join us?” Then, the hook she thinks I can’t refuse. “Sadie is caroling before the parade. I know she’d love for you to be there.”

“What about you? Are you singing, too?” My freakout at the bar on my way into town aside—the shock of seeing her for the first time too much to handle in my fragile mindset—I’d like to hear her sing again. So long as it isn’t our song. That might take more groundwork, more time, more forgiveness.

Her smile blooms and fills another empty space inside me. “Yes. I’m singing.”

“Why didn’t you mention that?”

She shrugs. “After my gig in Moyer’s Ridge, I wasn’t sure how you’d react.”

“You saw me?”

“You’re hard to miss, Maddox.” She blushes, and I love the subtle color on her cheeks and what it represents. “Plus, I was exploiting your soft spot for Sadie.” She smiles again, bringing one out in me.

“I’m starting to soften to other things as well,” I venture, surprised by how paper-thin my walls feel.

“Oh, yeah?” Something light and sensual flashes in her eyes. It’s fast enough someone who didn’t know her might have missed it. But I’ve studied her every expression for most of my life and recognize the one she’s giving me now. Biting down on her bottom lip, she leans back against the wall—her invitation and permission to touch and taste whenever I’m ready.

“What are you softening to, Maddox?” she asks in a sultry tone I hadn’t heard from her yet.

I’d love to hear more.

I step closer, testing my body’s reaction to her proximity. Every muscle springs into action, like getting a fastball down the middle with the bases loaded. With her in my sights, nothing aches. Nothing longs for what used to be. I’m living in the moment, appreciating the woman more than her memory, even though it terrifies me.

The teasing smile fades from her face as I lean in, primed for the next test. Her rapid breaths brush across my lips. I can almost taste her. I want to taste—

“Momma,” Sadie calls, skipping into the hallway in time to see me jump back. Her eyes dart between me and Carmen while contemplating our drastic mood change.

“What is it, darling?” Carmen says gently, and I’d love to know where she found the words. My brain had been wiped clean on my way to our almost kiss.

What had I been thinking? I wasn’t, and that’s half the problem. I wasn’t being careful and cautious, as Cooper rightfully suggested, and now I’m paying the price.

“The knob on the bathroom sink is stuck again,” Sadie complains.

“Did you twist it like I showed you?”

“I did. Nothing happens.”

“I’ll be right there,” Carmen says, gently nudging her back inside.

“Kids have the worst timing,” she says with a nervous giggle, and I’m thinking the opposite. Sadie may have saved me from jumping off the cliff when I should be taking the stairs.

“I need to get going, anyway.”

“Baby steps. Got it.” She smiles, and I wish the sight would quiet the storm brewing in my gut as it had before.

“That’s probably best.”

“No problem. If those steps are bringing you to me, I can wait however long it takes.” She reaches for my free hand, sending shockwaves up my arm. “Just keep moving, Maddox.”

“I’m trying.”

“That’s baby step number one checked off the list.”