Mix-Up under the Mistletoe (Glenbriar #11)

Chapter Twenty

Tilly

Sunday, December 22 nd

Afternoon

T illy lifted her phone from the coffee table in the Harrington’s living room. She glanced at the screen, half checking for messages but really just needing an excuse to do something. Everyone was so preoccupied with worry over Alexander. Tilly felt like she was in the way. No one said anything, but she couldn’t help it. She was worried too, but only through circumstance. In a few days’ time, what would this family be to her? Their concerns wouldn’t be hers. She probably wouldn’t see any of them again. A wave of cold nausea washed over her at the thought, and she got to her feet, ambling over to the window. How could she bear to leave them? But she must.

Her sister, Ellie, had always been the one to cause trouble when they were young and perhaps Tilly had overcompensated by trying to be extra ‘good’, sensible or whatever. Anything to fit in and not be rejected. Just as she did at work. The sensible choice here was to get back to London and turn up for work at the job she was paid to do. But that wasn’t the choice her heart wanted. Hearts weren’t good decision makers though, and she needed to rely on the rational part of her brain to make the correct choice. The one that would be right in the long run.

Not wanting to intrude further on the family’s shared troubles, she moved slowly and quietly around the room. Geoff and Hilary were standing on the other side, looking at a photograph on a small console table lit by a beautiful lamp with a stag printed on it. Genevieve was cuddling Mitzi on the sofa next to Finlay, and they were chatting with Grandma. Tilly couldn’t make out the exact words but knew they were telling each other everything would be ok. She made it to the door and slipped out of the room.

The house seemed unusually quiet. It was so big that people could be anywhere, and rooms could be empty, even when everyone was here, but Alexander’s injury had temporarily dimmed the buzz of Christmas joy. Hopefully he’d be back soon, all fixed up and good as new.

Slowly, Tilly took the stairs up to her room. She trailed her fingers over the garlands, and the fairy lights seemed to respond to her touch like a sensitive plant, gradually lighting up. By the time she’d reached the top, they’d faded again.

Ellie would have ripped the lights off and thrown them to the bottom of the stairs. She’d have knocked over the Christmas tree, run roughshod through the house and terrorised the dogs. Tilly’s insides were so screwed up she almost wanted to do it herself. Why should this family enjoy their Christmas without her? The moment passed with a few deep breaths. She’d never sabotage these people. She loved them too much. It wasn’t their fault she had to leave.

And she really did have to leave.

If the roads were open, she couldn’t in all conscience stay. Duty nudged her to do it. Arnie was already threatening her and, while she’d like to tell him where to shove his job, she couldn’t. Getting something else after quitting would be tough. If she had crap references, who would hire her? That meant going back to London and facing the music.

Packing her overnight bag didn’t take long. She folded the clothes Genevieve had so kindly washed neatly into her case and zipped it up. With a sigh, she sat on the end of the bed and clutched her face in her hands. The Glenbriar fairytale was about to end. She’d used up all her credits… and her tears. Now she had to be sensible and get on with things the way she always did. No need to cling to the Harringtons. She didn’t need them to survive. Wanting them was a different thing, but in life, you rarely got what you really wanted. She’d learned that lesson long ago. Wanting it wasn’t enough if you weren’t meant to have it.

Taking a long, calming breath, she opened the train app from her phone and tapped the screen a few times. Nothing was yet going from Glenbriar, though there were services from Edinburgh and Glasgow. Should she ask Rafe to run her there? It was quite a drive, and she’d already imposed on the family. She could call the taxi, then try to get buses. Even doing that, she was unlikely to make it for a train that got her to London before work started. Except the sleeper train. She checked it. Seats were still available. She’d be exhausted, but it was possible. Maybe Arnie would be more sympathetic if she made the effort.

A knock on the door made her jump. ‘Come in.’

Genevieve poked her head around the door. ‘Hi. I just wondered where you were. Are you ok?’

‘Yeah…’ Tilly shrugged, knowing she wasn’t ok at all. Her insides were in bits and her mind was a car crash.

‘Oh dear.’ Genevieve sat down beside her. ‘You look a bit sad.’

‘Just worried about Alexander.’

‘I’m sure he’ll be fine,’ Genevieve said. ‘Cress messaged and said he’s getting that glue stuff put on. Hopefully that’ll fix him up.’

‘I hope so.’

Genevieve gave Tilly a little pat on the arm. ‘This has been one wild weekend.’ With a frown, she glanced at Tilly’s zipped-up case. Tilly held her breath. Would Genevieve say anything about it? But why would she? Tilly hadn’t brought a lot of stuff, so it wouldn’t be unusual for her to have everything still in there.

‘Are you planning on leaving?’ Genevieve asked.

Ok, so she was astute, just like her brother. All three of them, Rafe, Cressida and Genevieve, were alike in many ways – all kind, welcoming and caring. Tilly was glad not to be like her sister. She almost didn’t dare think it, but she wished she had Genevieve and Cressida as sisters and not Ellie. Even now, she felt like she was betraying her sister with thoughts like that, but so what? Had her sister ever cared about her? She’d spent more effort ruining their childhood than anything else. Maybe if she’d applied that energy in a more positive way, she’d have made something out of her life.

Suddenly aware Genevieve was watching her, Tilly turned her mind back to the conversation. ‘I don’t have much choice. I have to leave.’

‘Why? We’re happy to have you here as long as you want. You can go back after Christmas, can’t you?’

‘You’ve all been so kind.’ Tilly gave her a weak smile. ‘But I can’t stay.’

Genevieve tilted her head and made sad eyes, then she leaned over and hugged Tilly. ‘You’re the nicest girlfriend Rafe’s ever had.’

‘I’m not even his girlfriend.’

Genevieve patted her on the back. ‘I don’t think it would take much to make it official if you wanted to. You’re so much nicer than his last girlfriend and his ex-wife. Nobody wanted to say at the time that we didn’t like her, but she didn’t make it easy. We tried to be nice to her, but she was actually really rude to Mum on quite a few occasions. You’re such a lovely person, we’d be happy for you to stay.’

‘Thank you.’ They smiled at each other for a long moment. ‘But I need to go back to London,’ Tilly said. ‘My boss is on my case, and I’m scared I get fired and he won’t give me references.’

‘But you can’t leave right this minute. How will you get anywhere?’

‘Taxi, buses, then the sleeper train.’

‘That sounds insane. Wouldn’t you be better waiting until tomorrow at least?’

‘I can’t. My boss wants me back for a meeting tomorrow. If I at least show that I’m willing, he might be kinder in his judgement.’

Genevieve shook her head like she was desperately searching for an alternative solution. ‘He sounds like a tyrant. Can’t you do it online?’

‘I suggested that. But I’m already in trouble for being here at all. He wants me there in person.’ She got to her feet. ‘I should call a taxi.’

‘I’ll run you into town, if you want, but shouldn’t you at least wait until Rafe gets back?’

‘We don’t know when that will be. What if he’s late?’

‘Ok. I’ll give you a lift, if you’re that desperate.’ Genevieve stood and paced to the window. ‘Are you sure the buses are running?’

‘There’s a coach that goes from Glenbriar to Edinburgh.’ Then she’d get the sleeper train from there and arrive in London in time for her meeting, even if she was beyond exhausted by the time she got there.

Genevieve turned from the window and her eyes travelled across the room, pausing on the nightstand. A wave of heat washed over Tilly as she realised Genevieve’s gaze had landed on the condom packet Rafe had left there.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Bang went any flimsy, phoney excuse or white lie she might want to make up to pretend she and Rafe were nothing but almost strangers who’d ended up stuck together due to a set of weird circumstances. They were all that, of course, but they’d also slept together. And not just that… They’d bonded. Why did she keep thinking like that? But it had felt so strong and so real. Now they were apart, it was like a piece of her had been wrenched out, and she’d never be able to put herself back together again – not without him.

Stop!

This was all nonsense. Clingy and needy like her therapist had warned her.

Genevieve turned to look at her, her expression kind and maybe a little bit pitying. ‘My brother hasn’t always told the truth about his relationships. I don’t know how many times he’s fibbed about seeing someone when he isn’t really. You are a case in point. I know some of it is just to wind me up, but Tilly, I know he likes you. This might sound utterly ridiculous, but I knew he liked you before he’d even met you.’

‘That doesn’t make any sense.’

‘You weren’t there. I believed him, even though my brain was telling me he was making up stories as usual. The way he talked about you and described your smile was so real.’

‘That just means he likes my smile, not necessarily me.’

‘Maybe to start with, but something drew him to you. You caught his eye, he noticed you, and he was attracted to you. If that had been a photo on a dating profile, you’d have been an instant swipe right.’

Tilly let out a little laugh. No two ways about it; she’d have felt the same if she’d seen a picture of him. She had done! That night she’d looked at photos before she visited and thought he looked kind, generous, caring, and loving. She couldn’t have known that from a two-dimensional image, but it had turned out to be true.

‘I’m serious,’ Genevieve said. ‘And really, it’s obvious he likes you now. He hasn’t even tried to hide it or deny it.’

‘But he doesn’t really know me.’

‘It kind of depends what you mean by that. Of course, he doesn’t know everything about you. But nobody can know everything about a person that quickly. All you need to know is how you feel. Sometimes it doesn’t take long for people to get together and to know they’re right for each other.’

Tilly shook her head. ‘That maybe works for normal people, but it doesn’t work for me.’

‘What are you talking about?’ Genevieve sat on the end of the bed. ‘You are a normal person.’

‘But my childhood wasn’t like yours.’ Tilly sat next to her. ‘I told you before I grew up in foster care. It means I’ve had abandonment issues all my life. I had to have counselling for it.’

‘Aw Tilly. I didn’t get how hard it’d been for you. But you’re still a normal person.’

‘My mind sees things differently. My counsellor told me I attach to other people too quickly because I’m…’ She gave a little shrug. ‘Desperate, I suppose. She told me not to think I was in love just because I felt good around a person and that it takes time. It could only truly be love once I got to know a person. I’m already guilty of idealising others and putting them on pedestals.’ She’d done it at work, with Rafe… This whole family.

‘I get what you’re saying and I’m not saying it isn’t true,’ Genevieve said, ‘but it doesn’t change the fact that my brother cares about you. I can fully understand if you want to take things slowly, but don’t go thinking this is one sided.’

‘I’m not, but whether I had abandonment issues or not, infatuation isn’t love. I’m not denying I’m a bit infatuated with Rafe. He maybe feels the same. And yes, we slept together, but sex isn’t love either. They’re just phases; they don’t mean it’ll last.’

Genevieve put her hand on Tilly’s arm. ‘All true. But I believe love at first sight is real. I believe Rafe saw your photo, and it called to him. The attraction was already there and when he met you, it kept going. I don’t think it’ll stop unless you want it to… even then, he would respect your wishes, but I doubt he can switch off those feelings.’

‘But it’s only been what… three days?’ Tilly had almost lost track. The crazy attraction had blinded her to everything else.

‘Why are there so many rules on love? Who makes them up? Why do people try to tell the rest of the world how they should feel? If you love someone after three days, then that’s how you feel. What does it matter how it worked for someone else? Of course people will tell you what you feel isn’t love, but infatuation or lust or whatever. But infatuation and lust are parts of love. I’d say it’s rare to find love without having felt those things first. I’m not saying they always lead to love, but they can do. And love is love. You can feel it anytime, in any way, for anyone. Sure, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re destined to be together. And it doesn’t mean you have to know everything about the person. In fact, it doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just what you feel.’ Genevieve tapped her chest with her fist. ‘Your therapist maybe thought you fell too easily, but maybe you’re just open hearted. I count you as a friend and I’ve only known you a few days too. Is that any better or worse?’

Tilly smiled and shook her head. ‘I don’t know, but I’m really happy to be your friend.’

‘Aw.’ Genevieve leaned over and hugged her. ‘And I’m happy to have you. So, if it’s ok for us to be friends, it’s ok for you and Rafe too.’ She pulled back. ‘Why shouldn’t a person crave love? It’s normal. I did for years before I got together with Finlay. I had all the family love I needed, but it’s not the same as romantic love. Don’t close yourself off to something that could be wonderful because of something that one person told you.’

‘But…’ Tilly let out a sigh. Some of what Genevieve said made sense. But how could she trust herself? ‘How do I know it’s not just infatuation for one or both of us? Surely that’s what takes the time.’

‘Maybe, but you’ll never know unless you take the chance.’

‘I think…’

Voices from the corridor made her stop.

‘I think they’re back.’ Genevieve got up, crossed the room, and opened the door. Tilly followed and peered out. Rafe and Finlay were chatting at the top of the stairs.

‘Is everyone ok?’ Genevieve asked.

‘Fine,’ Rafe said. ‘Alexander’s all patched up, and he’s fine. Mum and Grandma are spoiling him with treats now. He’s not got concussion or anything. It was all on the surface.’

‘Phew. That’s a relief.’ She turned and smiled at Tilly. ‘I’ll go see him.’ As she reached Rafe, she gave him a little prod. ‘Speak to Tilly.’

Rafe’s eyes met Tilly’s and heat burned through her. Unspoken words seemed to crackle on an invisible wire between them. She wanted to believe he felt everything she did, that his pulse was racing like hers and his heart full to the brim now they were back together. But it didn’t take away the fact that she had to get back to London by tomorrow morning.