Mix-Up under the Mistletoe (Glenbriar #11)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Tilly

T he rhythmic clickety-clack of the train pounded in Tilly’s head, and she could focus on nothing else. She leaned back in her reclining seat, her eyelids heavy from the emotional whirlwind of the day, but even when she closed them, the irritating lights filtered through. The seat felt cramped, and she kept her head towards the window, deliberately not looking at the person beside her. Sleeping with Mitchell there had been hard enough, especially with his snoring, but having a stranger on the other side was even worse. At least it was a woman. She wouldn’t have closed her eyes at all if it had been a man.

Trying to switch off the noise in her brain, she let her thoughts wander back to the platform and Rafe’s face as he waved goodbye. Honestly, it had looked like he said I love you . But he wouldn’t have, would he? That was the limerence talking again, seeing what she wanted to see because she was obsessed and desperate. Would she ever get over it? If her previous experiences were anything to go by, she would, though it would take time. Her insides smarted at the prospect, like they’d been slapped raw.

Beside her, the middle-aged woman folded over the book she was reading and yawned. ‘It’s not easy to sleep with the lights on, is it?’ she said quietly. ‘Do they turn them off, do you think?’

‘They don’t.’ Tilly gave her a faint smile. ‘I travelled up last week, and they keep them on all night.’

‘Oh dear. That’s a bit silly for a train you’re supposed to sleep on.’

‘It’s something to do with security.’ Tilly held up an eye mask from the complementary pack she’d received. ‘It’s why they give out these things, apparently.’

The woman pulled a face. ‘I don’t see that working.’ She pulled out her own mask and crinkled her nose at it. ‘But then, I’m a psychologist. Maybe I can trick my brain into believing it can sleep… If only.’ She smirked as she took off the clear plastic wrapper from around the mask.

Tilly hesitated, her mind lethargic, but something niggled her. The memory of Rafe saying he wasn’t a psychologist and her saying he should be. Maybe she should use the one here to ask a question that had burned her for a long time. Normally she wouldn’t dream of asking a stranger something like this, but this was important, and the woman had a kindly expression.

‘You’re a psychologist?’ Tilly repeated, just to make sure her tired brain wasn’t trying to fool her.

‘Yes, indeed,’ the woman said.

‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Please do. I can’t promise an answer, but I’ll do my best.’

‘Do you know about limerence?’

The woman frowned at her for a moment, then gave a brief nod. ‘Indeed, I do.’

‘Can you explain it to me?’ Tilly had looked it up on so many occasions on the internet and it always seemed to fit exactly how she was feeling. But after her chat with Genevieve earlier, and all her interactions with Rafe, she was so confused.

‘Well, limerence can take different forms, but it usually plays out in three stages. Firstly, comes infatuation. You might meet, or even just see, someone you like the look of. Maybe they make you feel safe or something about their appearance or behaviour is familiar or comforting to you. You might start to imagine how they would fit into your life and feel a deep connection to them, even if you don’t know them that well or even at all.’

That sounds like me. She’d imagined connections with strangers on trains, people she’d passed on the street and even people she’d never seen during her dollhouse fantasies – she was always imagining stuff like that and closing out real life.

‘After that,’ the woman went on, ‘it moves onto what we call crystallisation. It takes all the feelings you get during the infatuation stage to a whole new level. You start to believe that not only would this person fit perfectly into your life, but they would solve a lot of your problems. They’re like the answer to your prayers. You might forget the fact they might have problems of their own or reckon you could solve them together and live an amazing life – if only you were together.’

Yup, definitely me. Exactly what she’d done with Mitchell and now Rafe.

‘The third phase is deterioration.’ The woman gave a little sigh. ‘This brings you back down to reality. It’s when you find out something real about the person, the one I would call your limerent object. Perhaps you discover they’re already in a relationship or find something out about them that completely changes the image of them you’ve created in your mind.’

Yes, that was what had happened with Mitchell, though not yet with Rafe.

‘Once that happens, you’ll probably feel rather depressed. After all, people usually invest a lot of emotion into their limerent objects. It’s hard to accept the future you’ve imagined isn’t real and isn’t likely to happen.’

The woman smiled at Tilly, then frowned a little like she was puzzling something out. ‘Why do you ask?’

Tilly wasn’t sure she should explain, but she felt a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge after he’d been visited by the three ghosts. The last one had driven the point home like a sharp blade and was now looming in front of a huge heavy tombstone engraved with the words here lies the future of Rafe and Tilly’s relationship . Was it already dead and buried?

Aware the woman was still looking at her, she gave a little shrug. ‘I’m only curious,’ she said. ‘I won’t bore you with a long story, but it’s something that’s happened to me in the past and I’m not sure how I’ll ever know if something is real and not just limerence.’ Especially when her limerent object was a man she hardly knew. Genevieve might happily validate her feelings and say love is love , but it was hard to believe when all she’d known so far was limerence.

‘Well, love and limerence can feel similar,’ the woman said. ‘The main difference is that limerence is one-sided.’

She remembered the first therapist saying that.

‘If you’re connected to a person who exhibits signs of feeling the same way, there’s no reason why limerence can’t become love. If the connection develops, and you solve problems together, rather than hoping the limerent object will solve the problems for you, then it could work. And if you understand the person’s flaws and love them anyway, rather than idolising them. If the relationship is comforting and balanced, not one-sided, then you’re on the right track. But if it’s just a case of you thinking constantly about this person even when you don’t want to, it might not be particularly healthy. If you feel at ease with them, rather than scared of being rejected, then it may well be love.’

Tilly took a deep breath. ‘So much to think about.’ And she wasn’t sure what it meant – if anything – for her and Rafe.

‘I can’t advise you because I don’t know your situation fully, but let me give you a few general suggestions that might help, and then you can sleep on it… Quite literally, I hope.’

‘Wow, thanks. I have a lot of hard thinking to do.’

The woman gave her a kindly smile. ‘The first thing to do is to be kind to yourself. Don’t judge yourself harshly. Accept your thoughts about the person and ask yourself some questions. Do you spend a lot of time thinking about them and does it affect your daily life? Is the limerence impacting your life negatively? Or is it perhaps stemming from other challenges connected to your own emotions? Are you focusing on a person who you reckon can solve your problems instead of focusing on solving them yourself?’

Maybe she was. She’d hoped Rafe was the key to the door of promotion and as soon as she realised that she’d latched onto him. Maybe she’d doomed herself to like him before she’d even met him.

‘If you want to pursue a relationship with your limerent object, that’s ok too, but consider how they feel about you. You might have to ask them, which could be difficult. But also consider what areas of your life would improve if they were in it, or the opposite? Would being with them boost your self-esteem? Would you want to spend time together? What do you have in common? Can you meet these needs yourself instead?’

‘That really is a lot to think about.’ Tilly smiled at the woman. ‘And you’ve really helped me. I had a therapist before who didn’t explain it as well as that. It’s always bothered me that maybe it’s something in me that’s making me feel like this. I’ve had attachment issues in the past and somehow, I thought attaching myself to people without any real hope of a normal relationship was out of my control. It’s so hard to know if limerence is real, or if it might become real.’

The woman placed her hand on Tilly’s arm. ‘Attachment issues can make people more prone to feeling like this, but the very fact you’ve identified this in yourself is positive. You’re in control; you decide what’s right for you. Maybe this chat has given you enough information to help you make informed choices, but I can direct you to some good therapists or websites if you need more.’

‘My head’s too full for anything else just now, but I appreciate you telling me.’

‘Well, you sleep on it and remember, be kind to yourself. You sound very self-aware, so trust yourself. Use some of your awareness and extend it to others around you. If you’re afraid of jumping in too soon, then take your time, but don’t give up until you’re absolutely certain how the other person feels. If you sabotage the relationship before it even has a chance, that’s not limerence, but something entirely different.’

Tilly nodded and something cold slipped in her tummy. Was she doing that? Sabotaging a relationship? That was what Ellie had done throughout their childhood. Her methods had been more aggressive, but the outcome was the same. They lost out on the chance of happiness.

‘Thank you, so, so much. That’s really helpful.’

‘You’re welcome. Now, let’s see if we can get any sleep tonight.’

Tilly smiled as the woman pulled on her sleep mask and leaned back, then she did the same. The blackness helped a little and the clickety-clack of the train shifted into a back section of her mind as the woman’s words filtered into the forefront of her consciousness. All of it made sense. Some of it most certainly applied to her, but there was one bit she kept coming back to over and over. The more she thought about it, the more a little bubble of hope expanded in her chest.

The main difference between limerence and love was that limerence was one-sided. What she’d had with Rafe was definitely not one-sided. He’d been an equal partner in everything they’d done. Sure, he could help her solve the problems in her life, but she didn’t need him to. She could solve this herself and she bloody well would. He’d given her some pointers and she would follow them.

She wouldn’t just be kind to herself this Christmas, she’d be better than Santa Claus. She was about to land herself everything she’d ever dreamed of.

Just keep believing … She could do this, and she definitely wouldn’t sabotage it.

Monday, December 23 rd

Morning

Tilly came to, but didn’t immediately open her eyes. She couldn’t. Something was over her face, impeding her vision. For a moment, she didn’t move. What was that noise? Oh yeah, she was on the sleeper train. No clickety-clack though, just faint rustling sounds. Why wasn’t the train moving? On the way to Scotland, it had stopped a few times. Was this another stop like that? Her body wasn’t comfortable, and she was pretty sure she wouldn’t get much more sleep, no matter what the time was. Slowly, she peeled back her mask and blinked.

Wait, what? The platform was light. The sun was up. Not bright, but typical of a pale December morning. People bustled around outside. Euston already? Tilly snapped her head round to the seat beside her. Empty. The woman had vanished. No doubt she’d simply got off the train when it stopped and went on her way, but Tilly stared at the place where she’d been. Had she really been there? Maybe Tilly had dreamt the whole conversation, hearing exactly what she wanted to hear.

No, that wasn’t the case. Not this time.

Hopefully she’d thanked the woman enough. Pity she didn’t know who she was because she’d helped Tilly open her eyes. She pulled her case from under the seat and got to her feet. It was almost eight o’clock. Hardly anyone was left on the train and a cleaner was sweeping around the seats behind, throwing paper cups and used sleep masks into a rubbish sack.

One hour to get to work. She would still make it, though she was a dishevelled mess. Only on the outside though. Inside, her mind was as clear as the bright blue sky that had shone over Greenacres in the snow. She was going to take control, show Arnie and everyone else at 1-Quick Getaways she was worth a whole lot more than they thought. From this day forward, they could find someone else to do their bidding, because she had a better plan.