My Secret Santa Axton (Silver Ridge Christmas)

9. Haul Ass

Haul Ass

AXTON

My phone rings. I answer, disoriented, the remnants of a dream clinging to my consciousness.

Mel's face, her smile, the warmth of her hand in mine. I shake it off, forcing myself back to reality.

"What?"

"Haul ass. New intel. Bird's in the air at 05:45."

Suddenly, I'd wide awake. "Roger that."

The cold floor grounds me as I swing my legs out of bed. Another day, another mission. I go through my morning routine mechanically, trying to ignore the gnawing ache in my chest.

No time for breakfast. No time for second-guessing. Just the mission.

The drive up to Everett's is familiar, but today it feels different. Heavier. Like I'm driving towards something I can't come back from. I try to focus on the road, on the mission ahead, but my mind keeps drifting.

I see Mel's face.

Her warm brown eyes, filled with hurt and confusion, haunt me. The memory of our confrontation at the bunkhouse site hits me like a punch to the gut. I grip the steering wheel tighter, trying to focus on the road ahead, but her words echo in my mind.

"Why can't you just talk to me?"

The pain in her voice cuts deep. I remember how she stood there, holding up the locket, demanding answers I couldn't give. Her strength, even in her vulnerability, took my breath away. It always has.

I think about the moment I walked away from her. The look on her face—a mix of anger, disappointment, and something that looked dangerously close to heartbreak—is seared into my memory. It took everything I had not to turn back, to gather her in my arms and tell her everything.

But I couldn't. I can't.

My decision weighs heavily on me. I know I'm hurting her. Again. Just like I did when I left for the military all those years ago. The irony isn't lost on me - I'm still trying to protect her, but all I seem to do is cause her pain.

I remember the softness of her lips against mine, the way she melted into me before I pulled away.

For a moment, I let myself imagine what it would be like to give in, to let her in. But then I remind myself why I can't.

I'm not good for her. I'll only end up hurting her more in the long run.

But God, the look in her eyes as I walked away... It's going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

This pull and push is sucking the life out of the holiday season. I'm not an emotional guy, but this seems to hit harder than most. And a traitorous voice in the back of my mind whispers: Because you're fighting the inevitable .

Am I?

I push the thought away as I pull up to Everett's. The rest of the team is already here, gathered around the large table in the command center. They fall silent as I enter, and I can feel their eyes on me.

"Nice of you to join us," Owen says, his tone light but his eyes searching.

I grunt in response, taking my usual seat. Everett clears his throat, drawing everyone's attention.

"Alright, let's get started," he says, pulling up a map on the large screen. "Specter's latest intel suggests the weapons shipment is moving earlier than we thought. We need to be ready to move in an hour."

The room erupts in a flurry of questions and planning. I try to focus on contributing, but my mind keeps drifting. To Mel. To that gotdamn kiss .

"Axton," Everett's voice cuts through my thoughts. "You with us?"

I blink, realizing everyone's staring at me. "Yeah," I mutter, straightening up. "Just thinking through the demolition plan."

Everett groans, but he continues. As he outlines the mission parameters, I force myself to pay attention. This is what matters now. The mission. The team. Not my feelings for Mel.

But even as I nod along, making suggestions and adjusting plans, a part of me is still back at Peterson Ranch.

The meeting drags on, each minute feeling like an hour. By the time we break for lunch, I'm wound tight as a spring. I need air. Need to clear my head.

I slip out onto the balcony, the cold mountain air biting at my skin. Below, Silver Ridge sprawls out, peaceful and oblivious to the dangers lurking just beyond its borders.

Somewhere down there, Mel is going about her day. Probably still calling me a fucking coward.

"You want to talk about it?" Everett's voice startles me. I turn to find him leaning against the doorframe, his expression unreadable.

"Nothing to talk about," I say, turning back to the view.

Everett sighs, coming to stand beside me. "You know, when Kenzie and I first got together, I thought I had to choose. Between her and the mission. Between love and duty."

I stay silent, not trusting myself to speak.

"But I was wrong," Everett continues. "It's not about choosing. It's about finding a balance. About letting someone in, even when it's scary as hell."

His words hit too close to home. I clench my jaw, fighting back the surge of emotions threatening to overwhelm me.

"I'm not you, Everett," I finally say, my voice rough. "I can't... I can't risk it. Can't risk her."

Everett puts a hand on my shoulder, his grip firm. "You can't protect her by pushing her away, Ax. Trust me, I've tried that. It doesn't work."

I shrug off his hand and turn to face Everett. His eyes are filled with concern, but I can't let that sway me. "You don't get it, man. The shit I've done... Mel deserves better. She deserves someone whole, not the broken mess I am."

Everett steps closer, his voice low and intense. "And who decides what she deserves, Ax? You? Or her?"

His words hit me like a punch to the gut. I clench my fists, fighting the urge to lash out. "You weren't there," I growl. "You didn't see the look on her face when I walked away. I hurt her, Everett. Just like I knew I would."

"So you're just gonna keep hurting her by pushing her away?" Everett challenges. "Real noble of you, brother."

I turn away, unable to face the truth in his words. My chest feels tight, like I can't breathe. "It's better this way," I mutter, but the words sound hollow even to my own ears.

Everett's hand lands on my shoulder again, firmer this time. "Look, I get it. You're scared. Hell, I was terrified when I realized how I felt about Kenzie. But you can't let fear make your decisions for you."

I shake my head, memories of my father's rage flashing through my mind. "It's not just fear. It's... it's in my blood, Everett. The anger, the violence. What if I can't control it? What if I end up hurting her?"

"You're not your father, Ax," Everett says softly. "You're a good man. I've seen it. Mel sees it too."

I want to believe him. God, I want to. But the doubt gnaws at me, relentless. "I can't risk it," I whisper. "I can't risk her."

Everett sighs, his frustration palpable. "You're already risking her, man. You're risking losing her for good. Is that really what you want?"

I don't answer. I can't. Because deep down, I know he's right. And it terrifies me.

His words hang in the air between us, heavy with implication. For a moment, I let myself imagine it.

Letting Mel in. Telling her everything. Building a life together.

The secrets. The danger. The blood on my hands.

"We should get back," I say, brushing past Everett. "Lot of work to do before we move out."

As I head back inside, I can feel Everett's eyes on me. But I don't look back. Can't look back. If I do, I might just crumble. And we have a mission to complete.

I step back into ACS, the buzz of pre-mission activity washing over me. Everett's words echo in my mind, a persistent reminder of what I'm trying to avoid.

"You know, when Kenzie and I first got together, I thought I had to choose. Between her and the mission. Between love and duty."

Everett's at the command center, issuing last-minute instructions. He's found a way to balance his life with Kenzie and the twins. And they're stronger together.

But it's not the same for me and Mel.

Everett and Kenzie, they started fresh. They built something new together. But Mel and I? We've got history. Baggage. A love that's haunted me for years and a silence that's grown into a chasm between us.

I tell myself it's to protect her. That keeping her at arm's length is for her own good. But as I watch Everett's face soften when Kenzie's name comes up on his phone, I know I'm lying to myself.

The truth is, I'm scared. Scared of letting her in, of showing her the darkest parts of me. Scared that once she sees who I really am, she'll run. And I wouldn't blame her.

I stand at the edge of the command center, watching my team prepare for the mission. Owen checks his rifle, his movements precise and practiced. Callum pores over the tactical maps one last time, committing every detail to memory. Jace runs through his pre-flight checklist, his usual cocky grin replaced by intense focus.

My gear sits ready, explosives and tools meticulously packed. I know my role inside and out. We're a well-oiled machine, and each of us is vital to the operation's success.

Pulling out early means I didn't get to tell her goodbye. I might never get the chance to say it properly.

The knowledge twists in my gut, a physical ache I can't shake. However, I force myself to focus on the mission parameters. This is what I signed up for. This is what keeps people safe.

Even if it means I have to live with the regret of pushing her away.

"Axton." Everett's voice cuts through my thoughts. "We move out in five. You good?"

I nod, not trusting my voice. He studies me, concern flickering in his eyes before his leader mask slips back into place.

"Remember, we're in and out. Clean extraction. No unnecessary risks."

"Copy that," I mutter, shouldering my pack.

As we make our way to the waiting helicopter, my thoughts drift back to Mel. The warmth of her smile, the way her eyes light up when she talks about the horses. The softness of her lips that night before I left for basic training. How her laughter seems to crawl inside me and make the dark spaces disappear.

The rotors whir to life, slicing through the crisp mountain air. Jace slides into the pilot's seat, his fingers dancing over the controls with practiced ease. I watch him, my mind still half-stuck on Mel.

"Axton." Owen's voice cuts through my thoughts. "You good with the demo plan?"

"Yeah. We'll need to hit the support beams here and here." I point to the schematics spread out between us. "That'll bring the whole structure down without risking collateral damage."

Callum leans in, his eyes sharp. "What about the guards? Intel suggests they've doubled security since last week."

"We'll need to move fast," I say, running through the scenarios in my head. "In and out before they can sound the alarm."

We climb into the chopper, the familiar weight of my gear grounding me. The smell of metal and gun oil fills my nostrils, pushing out the lingering scent of Mel's perfume that's been haunting me all day.

Everett takes his seat last, his face a mask of concentration. "Jace, take us up."

The helicopter lifts off, Silver Ridge shrinking beneath us. I watch it disappear, wondering if Mel's looking up at the sky, if she knows I'm leaving again.

"Listen up," Everett's voice crackles through our comms. "This mission is high-stakes. We can't afford any distractions or mistakes."

His eyes lock onto mine, and I feel the weight of his unspoken message. He knows where my head's been at lately, knows the struggle I've been facing.

"We all need to be a hundred percent focused," he continues. "Or we might not all make it back."

The words hang in the air, heavy with implication. I force myself to meet Everett's gaze, pushing down the turmoil in my gut.

"Copy that," I say, my voice steadier than I feel.

As we fly towards our target, I lock away thoughts of Mel, of the life I could have if I was brave enough to reach for it. Right now, the mission is all that matters. The team is all that matters.

But as the landscape blurs beneath us, a small part of me wonders if I'll ever stop running, if I'll ever find the courage to stay.

I tell myself it's for the best. That this is how I keep her safe.

Mel gives me shit about standing around watching her. But she'll never know what it's like to stand so close to the sun, to want to gather up her light and love and store it away for moments like this.

The way she cheered on a little girl twirling in a dress. The way she pulls on a ponytail to make the twins giggle. The way she loves with her whole heart, her whole soul, and her whole might.

I thought one day I could earn that. That I'd deserve to stand in her warmth and be the recipient of her love. But I've shown repeatedly that loving me hurts the people I love. And I can't keep hurting her anymore.

Hurting her is killing both of us .