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Never Stop 9. Via 26%
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9. Via

Chapter nine

Via

2017

" I f one more person touches me and says 'they're in a better place,' I'm pretty certain I will snap. How could anyone think that's okay to say?" I grunt lowly as Izzy scoots next to me on the edge of the top of the parking garage near the funeral home.

I needed to breathe. I couldn't take it anymore. I know this is part of the step that is supposed to help me get closure, but it's maddening.

Family members who haven't spoken to, seen, or even acknowledged any of our existence for as long as I can remember sitting there sobbing like they had a relationship to miss in the first place. All of the unhelpful 'words of encouragement". I'll never understand how or why people think they can take this kind of pain from someone with a sentence. Especially the type of sentences they decide to slur together. Stupid shit like, 'They're all at peace now,' 'God needs them more than you do,' or 'Keep your head up' and 'they wouldn't want you to be sad'—That's my favorite one.

If only it were all that simple.

Like, yes, you're absolutely right. Let me just shut that sadness switch right off.

I wish people would acknowledge that grief and sadness after loss are acts of love and just let me love them through this phase the way I need to. Instead, everyone felt it was necessary to tell me how to proceed. I know they mean well and don't mean harm, but I can't get past what society thinks is comforting.

It's pretty sick, really.

"I hate people. I wish I didn't, but I really do. I don't get the point of these things. It's like they're all down there having an unspoken competition of whose the saddest and who can say the most absurd 'comfort phrase.' It's pretty damn gross", I say as I drop my head, shaking it softly and watching my feet intently as I dangle them back and forth, then side to side, off the ledge of the garage.

Izzy is still silently sitting next to me, which I know is hard for her. She knows me and knows that when I'm in this type of headspace, I need silence because that is where I thrive.

After a while, she nudges my arm without saying a word. Finally, I smell it and flash her a hard, almost cold look.

"Just take it, trust me," she says as she tries to hand me the joint she just took a hit off. I want to be mad that she has this here. She knows I don't smoke, but this may be the only intelligent gesture someone has made today. I sigh, taking a deep breath as I shake the disgusted look off my face.

I snatch the joint out of her hand very nervously, take a hit, and then choke on it for the next five minutes. By saying I don't smoke, that also includes not having a single clue how to smoke, which has never been an issue before since I've never tried it. She laughs at me, and I can't help but laugh slightly back. Maybe I did need this. Of course, Izzy would be the one to know exactly what I needed.

"Where the hell did you get this anyway?" I ask as I bring the joint up to my mouth slowly, preparing myself to try again and not choke myself out this time.

"I didn't get it. Ander gave it to me and told me to force you to hit it." She replies as she looks off, trying to avoid eye contact with me.

I push away from the ledge, throw the almost complete joint over, and stand to walk away.

"Via! He wants to be here for you! He said he was steering clear and would leave if you wanted him to, but only if you told him to leave yourself."

I turn around toward her and quietly object, "Why is he even here, Iz? I told him not to come. Now I have to tell him he has to leave? That's just great!" I run my hands through my hair, taking a moment to catch my breath. I sigh heavily and then glance back over to Izzy.

"I'm sorry, Izzy. I can't see him. I can't. I thought he would have listened when you told him I asked him not to come. I was hoping he would understand and respect that." At this point, I'm holding back tears. "I don't know how to be around him." I'm barely able to get out as the tears are getting harder to hold back, and the knot in my throat gets tighter.

I wish I could tell him the truth. I wish I could tell Izzy the truth. I wish I could tell them that I want nothing more than to run into his arms and run away with him, but my brother is an abusive, controlling sociopathic psycho who I know damn well had a part in our family's deaths, and he threatened that Ander would be next.

I don't question them believing me. They know Liam, so they would know it's the truth. My worry is what will come of it, which would be nothing short of a war. A war that no one needs right now.

This is the best for everyone. Although, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't killing me more than I thought possible.

Izzy looked me over for a few beats, then grabbed my hands and nodded in understanding. "I got you," she said as she pulled me in for a hug.

I have no intention of going to look for Ander. He shouldn't be here. It isn't safe for him. That knowledge alone causes my stomach to tie in knots.

There's no happy ending for me. Now my family is all gone. How can I look myself in the mirror, knowing that if I hadn't left the other night, they would have no reason to go out, there would have been nothing and no one to look for, and my parents and my sister would still be here?

I don't place blame on him. Not at all. I put it all on myself. He deserves better. Someone who isn't so damaged. Someone who can make him as happy as I know he will make them. That will never be me. The sooner he sees it, the better off he will be.

Izzy is standing guard in front of me, warding off the relatives she knows I would rather not speak with, like the absolute gem that she is. The service is about to start, and I hate that I'm ready to get it over with. I hate the fact that it's something to get through at all. To make matters worse, Liam is somehow in charge of everything, as if I don't exist. My parents had no will, and fighting him was pointless; he made this as cheap and thoughtless as possible. He requested all 3 of them to be cremated, even my sweet Natty Bear.

He knew how much my father hated the thought of cremation; my mother never voiced an opinion either way. I have no doubt he did it to spite them completely. If it weren't for the funeral director pushing and my persistently annoying grandmother hounding him, he wouldn't have even had a service for them at all.

I'm not comfortable at funerals, don't get me wrong, and this is no exception. The finality of it all is beyond unmeasurably hard to accept. They deserve the best. Better than the best.

The service was short. Liam refused a eulogy, so a funeral director who didn't even know them gave a short form of one based on information strictly provided by Liam. It was the most impersonal funeral procession I've ever experienced.

When I think he can't possibly make anything worse, he finds a way to prove me wrong.

It makes me sick to my stomach. I was on autopilot the entire time, and I hate that I'm glad it's over.

I walk over towards Izzy, who is talking to her parents outside the door. Suddenly, like a magnetic force pulling me in, my eyes land to the right, directly on Ander.

I freeze.

Thankfully, we are nowhere near one another. He's in the parking lot, leaning against his truck with his hands in his front pockets. His hair isn't in his eyes; it's fixed. He doesn't move either. Our eyes stay locked, and with each passing second, the air gets thick. He looks handsome as ever in a black button-down shirt with black jeans and his chucks. He isn't one to dress up, and this is decked out for him. I can't stop looking him over.

Before I know it, I'm snapped out of the trance and pulled into my hell on earth. Liam is towering over me.

Is he seriously hugging me?

If I wasn't frozen before, I certainly am now.

My hands are still at my sides, stunned and unable to move. My whole body tenses beneath his arms as I cringe and clench my fists. Liam leans in towards my left ear and pretends to sniffle as he gets closer.

"I would just like to thank you for your help, Olive," in the most sinister tone I've ever heard escape from a human being, even him.

I couldn't react. Thank you? I wasn't sure what he meant, and quite frankly, I was dumbfounded and still stuck in place. That is until he grabbed my shoulder hard and continued, "You sneaking out made this all so easy. I have you to thank, really. I see your little boyfriend showed up. It seems as if he wants to make this easy for me, too."

I snapped my head back instantly. I take his hand and rip it off of my shoulder. I was still processing the words that escaped his mouth and their meaning. With each millisecond, my body fills with more rage. He grins, that same evil grin I've come to know all too well.

I absolutely lose it.

I start screaming as I pass him a slap to the back of his head. Once that one reaction leaves me, I'm unable to stop myself. All the years of pent-up hatred for this person, my own brother, come rushing to the surface. I felt like the moment was in fast-forward and slow motion all at once. I'm not even sure the words are coming out of my mouth; all I know is that it's moving, and my hands won't stop. He pushes me back twice, trying to get me off of him. He's yelling back, but I can't make out what he is saying. I cannot hear anything but the rage building inside of me.

Until I see his fist.

He lifts his fist, and all of the memories come crashing in. I crumble.

I crumble like I always do.

Right then and there, I drop to the ground and curl into a ball. Like the damsel in distress, I never signed up to be. I hear the noise but still can't make out the words. I feel someone on top of me, and I cringe. They aren't hurting me; they're holding me.

I lift my face to see Izzy cradling me, trying to pull me to my feet, so I let her. I look around and find where the noises are coming from.

Liam is on the ground, and Ander is on top of him.

Ander might be my age and seven years younger than Liam, but Liam has nothing on Ander regarding size and muscle mass. Liam has always been frail-like. Maybe that explains his need to overcompensate with his false sense of power. Jett and Izzy's brother Kasten stand by in case Ander needs help, but he doesn't. I scream at all of them. God, I despise Liam. I hate that I let myself slew down to his level and give him the exact reaction he wanted. I'll be damn if he makes this day any more about himself than he already has.

I rush over to Ander and scream for him to stop, but he refuses. I scream again. and again. I look to Jett and Kasten, and finally, one of them decides to speak up.

"Ander, that's enough. Stop, he's down. Walk away, man," Jett says as he and Kasten pull Ander up. He's still catching his breath as I walk over to him and grab his wrist, pulling him toward the side of the building. He follows me without hesitation. I glance back while we are walking, and Liam is still fumbling on the ground; no one seems to be helping him.

Good .

We get to the side of the building where no one can see us. I lean against the wall and drop my head. I can't look in his eyes right now.

I'm trying to gather my thoughts and figure out exactly what to say to him, and before I get the chance, he inches in slowly, rubbing his hand on my cheek.

"Are you okay, baby? I'm sorry to do that today, to cause a scene like that, but I couldn't stand by and let him hurt you again. Once I hit him back, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I can't just keep sitting back knowing what he does and how he is and let him continue—" I cut him off before he can finish.

"I asked you not to come," I say softly, still looking down with his hand on my face, his thumb rubbing and stroking against my cheek. He runs it down to my chin and lifts my face slightly, tilting my head to look directly at him.

I gulp. Loudly .

"Actually, you asked Izzy to ask me not to come. I needed to see you. I needed to check on you for myself. I can't keep going through Izzy. You can talk to me, baby. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. You aren't alone." His voice was soft, genuine, and pure. He meant every word he said.

That's Ander. He isn't like other people. He doesn't say things just to have something to say. If words are spoken out of his mouth, they hold meaning. He never speaks just to fill the silence. I've always admired and loved that about him.

That doesn't make any of this easier, and it definitely doesn't change my mind.

Anderson Cole is the purest soul I've ever met. His heart is genuine, and when he cares, he cares fully. His sarcasm is at the next level, almost as good as mine. He has the sense of humor of your favorite stand-up comedian, and his presence is something to relish.

He doesn't deserve the dumpster fire that is my life. He never did. He's always deserved so much more, but he'll never choose it. It's almost as if he feels indebted to the little helpless girl next door.

Like it's his mission to save her.

Well, it isn't his choice anymore. I can't let him. Not with Liam's threats, which I know are not empty.

It's time that I learn how to save myself or drown trying.

"Ander, it's your turn to listen to me carefully," I whisper, trying to get the words out as loud as I can, but my voice is failing me through the tears I can no longer control.

"I have always loved you; I will always love you. I love you enough to let you go. I have to let you go. You have to let me go. Please."

He shakes his head and grins. He fucking grins that sexy grin that's almost always reserved for me. The one that makes my heart do cartwheels down to my stomach.

"I'm not going anywhere, Via. I meant it when I said I'll love you forever. Never stop, remember?" He starts, "Even forever is not long enough when it comes to you and me. You can't just push me out; I don't want you to."

"I can, Ander. I am. I will be okay, and so will you. You need to find happiness, the kind that you'll never have with me. I'll never be able to give that to you. There will come a day when you'll see this for yourself, and you'll thank me."

I can see the tears start to swell up as his eyes search mine, trying to search for answers and resolutions that he isn't going to find. He shakes his head in disbelief and tries to speak, but I place my index finger over his mouth, shushing him softly. I lean in and kiss his cheek as tears stream down my face. I pull myself into him, wrapping him in the tightest hug I can muster, and he hugs me back. He hugs back so tight, and I can feel him unwillingly agreeing to my terms in his warmth and security.

I pull back, "I need you to promise me. Promise me that this is it. We can't see each other again," I say quietly, through the sobs I no longer have any form of control over.

His eyes close, and he softly and slowly shakes his head. I look at him until he opens them again. "Ander, I need you to promise. If you want to help me, you will do this for me. I'm telling you what I need. I need you to live a happy life, and I need you to promise me-" I'm interrupted as he pulls me in so hard. My arms wrapped around his neck, and we embraced each other with such need. He pulls his head back, attempting to make eye contact. Our eyes meet, and he goes to speak, but I stop him. "I have to go, Ander. Do you promise?"

He sighs and doesn't speak a word. He lets me down slowly. Not taking his eyes off of me. I step back and ask again, "Do you promise?"

He grunts this time and finally nods his head softly. He turns away, throws his hands up, walks away, and lets out a scream that is so deep and from his core that it sounds like a growl. I see him cut the side of the building and punch the hood of a car in the parking lot.

I think it's my aunt's. The aunt, who hasn't seen or spoken to us since I was eight, has already asked if we would give her the horses in the back pasture.

I hope he left a dent .

I catch my breath and then find Izzy and her family, who are all waiting for me, their faces covered in concern. When I reach them, I hug Izzy and ask, "Can we go home?"

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