Never Stop

10. Via

Chapter ten

Via

One month after the funerals

M y cell phone on the nightstand buzzes. I sigh out of annoyance. Everything feels like such a chore lately—literally, everything. Even waking up and moving out of the bed is hard to do. When did I become this person? I used to love living, and now I feel like I'm barely even surviving.

Izzy walks into the room as it buzzes again, and she picks it up, glances it over, and opens the curtains. I turn over in the bed, avoiding the light she's letting in. I know she means well and only wants to help, so I don't put up the fight I want to. After all, she's all I have left and a wonderful friend.

"It's a text from Ander again. There are quite a few of them here this time. Have you read any of them since I told you about the last ones? He's sending multiple a day, and you haven't read any of them—"

"Just delete them, Iz. Delete them all. Please. I don't want to see them."

"I think you should read these. Or let me read them to you. You should let him say what he needs to. None of this is making much sense. . ."

I shake my head, declining all offers. I scoot up on the bed, sitting straight up with my back to the headboard.

"I know I should, but I can't. I want them deleted. He will stop eventually. He needs a reason to hate me to move on and find what he deserves."

On the outside, it seems like I'm being heartless about this. I know that it does. The truth is, I miss him so much that it physically hurts. Before this, we'd never gone a single day without speaking.

I'll never get used to a life without Ander in it.

She rolls her eyes, huffs, and sits on the bed next to me. She then lies across my lap as she shoves a bag of Skittles into my hand.

"You need to eat. You haven't been eating. My mom and dad are really worried about you. They've cooked all your favorite meals, and all you do is pick at it. Look, I get it; I know it's hard. I know. Since you don't want to eat food, can you try to taste the rainbow?" She giggles as she says the last sentence, too proud of her little joke. I can't help but let out a little chuckle along with her; okay, she knows the way to my heart : sarcasm and Skittles.

Ander : Hey V, I know you blame me for everything, and I don't blame you. I blame myself. I'll never forgive myself for making you leave with me that night. I'm sorry. I'm genuinely sorry. I miss you so much, and I love you forever. I wish I could be there for you right now.

Via : I'll never blame you for any of this, Ander. The only one to blame is me. I love you forever, and I'll never stop. I meant it when I promised it, but loving you that much means I love you enough to let you go. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be with someone who can make you happy.

Ander : Rosie, YOU make me happy.

Ander : I don't want anyone else.

Ander : I want you damn it. Please answer the phone.

Via : I can't make you happy anymore, Ander. I can't even make myself happy; my life is a mess. The only thing that would make me happy is to know that you're off chasing your dreams and living your best life. I want to know you find someone who makes your heart skip beats and gives you purpose. It can't be me.

Ander : Stop

Via : No.

Ander : I know you're hurting, but you don't want this. We don't know a life without each other.

Via : It's time for us to learn. Yours will be beautiful. I know it will be. You will meet someone who will make you forget all about me someday.

Ander : No, Rosie, I won't

Via : You promised to move on and let me go .

Ander : I can't believe this is happening

Via : Goodbye Ander. Please let me go. I need you to.

Ander : I love you

Via : I know.

I throw my stupid phone across the room and let out a scream. A scream that releases all of the pent-up frustration I've been holding back. Once I let out one, I can't stop. I grab my pillow, bury my face into it, and drown out the sounds of the pain that's spewing from me. Apparently, I'm not being as quiet as I hoped to be because the next thing I know, Izzy is shoving me.

"V, calm down. What's going on?" She yells at me, but her tone isn't angry—it's concerned. I draw a breath in instead of yelling and collect myself before lifting my head off the pillow. I look at Izzy, and the apples of my cheeks are probably stained with tears. I can feel the heat in them, burning with frustration at myself.

"I need you to help me change my phone number. You know how to do that shit; I don't," I finally say into the silence, my voice small but confident.

"What happened?" Izzy scoots closer to me on the bed, reaching for me. I sit against the headboard and find her eyes locking in on them.

"I read the most recent text after you walked out. I shouldn't have, but I responded. I shouldn't have. I just need to do this. I need him to move on, Iz."

"Are you sure that you want to do this? That's a little extreme. You could change your mind—"

"Yes, Izzy, I need to do this. For him and me."

"If you change your phone number—"

"Izzy, I need to move forward with my life. I don't expect any of you to understand. I know this is best for Ander. He deserves to be happy, and this is the only way."

She's annoyed with me. It's soaked into her face at this point. I know she doesn't understand. How could she? None of them know the truth.

How do you break the news to the guy you've been completely in love with for more than half of your life- even though you weren't always sure it was love, but damn, was it ever- that you have to let him go? I cannot even give him a damn good reason why. I can't tell any of them about Liam's threats or what he's done. It won't change anything; it will only make things worse. I can't risk making things worse. I can't risk something happening to any of them. Especially Ander. At least this way, I know he's safe. My heart is broken; he probably hates me— but he's safe. Safe from Liam's destruction.

"VIA!" Kasten shouts as I go down the stairs a few hours before dinner to join everyone and attempt to be a civilized human today. His smile consumed his face like he was pleased to see me, and he ran over and swooped me into a hug, swinging me around. Izzy's brother has always been more of a big brother to me than my own. Her entire family has always felt more like family should feel. Nowadays, I feel so much guilt for feeling that way.

"Kas, would you set her down? You're going to squeeze the life out of her." Mrs Kate laughs and teases him playfully. She walks over to me as Kas puts me down and hugs me softly. "Hey, my girl, I'm glad you decided to come here today. It's so good to see that beautiful face of yours! Izzy should be home soon."

I smile as I walk into the kitchen. "Those muffins smell delicious. Would you mind?" I ask as I point to the blueberry muffins spread out on the cooling rack on the kitchen counter. Mrs. Kate smiles and nods, saying, "Please take as many as you want, Hunnie."

I reach for a muffin and feel its warmth on my hand before I grasp the pastry. The delicious smell consumes my senses, and devouring it is the only thing on my mind now. It's never been my intent to protest eating.

I sit at the island bar, and Mrs. Kate and Kasten stand across the counter. Mrs. Kate starts making small talk, catching me up on the world outside these walls. It doesn't take long before Kas starts going on a tangent about something as I space out entirely and have no idea what the conversation topic is.

My mind drifts off to the times with my family. The times that always felt normal to me. That doesn't feel so normal anymore. One would think the pain of losing my parents and little sister would bring on only unimaginable sadness. The truth is I feel so much anger. A lot of it is directed at me for that night, but a lot is for the life we never had. A life like Izzy's. Where a mom bakes muffins just because, a brother who is kind and happy to see you, and a dad who greets everyone with a smile when he comes home from work. A family that communicates and seems interested in each other's lives. I'm not just sad and angry that I lost my family, but I'm sorry and furious that we were never a family like this .

It doesn't take long before the emotions I'm feeling from my thoughts begin to show clearly on my face. A tear threatens to escape from my eyes, but I hold it back like a game of tug-a-war.

I can tell that Mrs. Kate can sense my shift in mood as she places a hand over mine. My attention is back to my current environment; my eyes shoot up to meet hers, and she gives me a soft half-smile. Briefly ignoring Kas, who hasn't stopped his one-sided conversation, she whispers, "If you want to go to the library for some peace, feel free to take a muffin with you." She squeezes my hand gently, giving her sign of approval that it's okay that it's too much for me to be around everyone right now, but she appreciates me trying. I return her smile. I take another muffin and approach her office, which she converted into an oversized in-home library.

I open the double sliding doors, and my breath is taken away, as it usually is, as I take in the room surrounding me.

I have always appreciated this part of Izzy's home. There are bookshelves from floor to ceiling on the two side walls, the fourth wall, directly across from the entrance, are all windows, from the very top to between the middle and the bottom where it meets with a desk on one side and a reading nook that connects to it. I remember the first time Mrs. Kate let me come in and embrace her special place. I was nine years old, Liam was on his typical warpath, and I needed an escape that the cane fields could no longer provide me. I came to Izzy's house looking for her, but she was at her grandparents. I'm guessing her mom saw the desperation on my face that day because not only did she let me enter her home. She also showed me her 'special room' and let me enter it as if it were my own.

Mrs. Kate's kind gesture, the release I felt that day, and this space all have much to do with my love of reading. I've spent a lot of my childhood trying to find an escape from my reality. I'd hide in the cane fields, sit by the bayou watching the water still, and ride horses until we both tired out.

I'd do anything to feel free, but none of those things could ever grant me the level of freedom that reading has. When I was reading, I could transport myself into someone else's world. From that day forward, anytime my life became too hard, I'd pick up a book describing a life that was nothing like mine and pretend it was mine. I'd read books with happily ever afters and happy endings. Books that gave me hope.

I search the shelves for a while. I am letting my index finger trace along the spine of most of the books. After much consideration, I settled on a book titled 'This Is What Happy Looks Like.' I didn't need to read the description to know this was the one I wanted to read.

All I know is that I need this room to give me the same level of comfort and security it's given me throughout the years. This book has to be the perfect book. I wrap it in my arms and head towards the reading nook. As I sit and attempt to get comfortable on the bench, the sliding doors fly open—Izzy storms inside in a hurry. I can tell she has something on her mind, and I'm about to hear all about it.

"Via! I have to talk to you." She rushes out like she's out of breath. As she makes it to me, I see Mrs. Kate and Kas in the doorway, with a look on their faces that I can't decipher.

I take a sharp breath, not knowing what to expect.

She rests her hands on my shoulder and gets on my level to face me evenly. "Liam. . . Liam. . ."

I shake my head. ". . .No," I say softly as the fear starts to sting at my eyes.

She doesn't need to say anything else; I already know what she will say. Not a second later, I could feel his presence without seeing him. My entire body stiffens at the thought of facing him again after his admission to me at our family's funerals. I haven't had much to say to Liam in years, but now I have no interest in giving him any of my attention, much less my time or words. He deserves nothing from me.

"Olive, we need to talk," he says as he forces his way into my sanctuary. His voice is grave, and his tone harsh. Everyone around me seems to cringe at the same time. I look away and focus on the book as I take a deep breath.

"Liam, I'm not a child; I have a say in this decision, too. I'm eighteen now."

Liam scoffs at my words as he rolls his eyes in annoyance.

"Olive, when will you realize that you have control over nothing ? Now just sign the fucking papers. I have buyers for both of the homes. Need I remind you what happens to those who get in my way?" He hisses, and I gulp, taking a step back.

He's come here demanding I sign papers signing over my rights to all of my inheritance and my rights to my parent's estate.

He's selling the homes, the cars, everything. Part of me wants to put up a fight. Tears sting at my eyes, threatening to shed, but I don't let them. I won't let Liam have that kind of satisfaction right now.

He taps his fingers on the table next to him as his eyes glare into me, "Hurry the fuck up. I don't have all day for your childish games."

My shoulders slump forward, and I don't put up a fight. I sign the damn papers and push it towards him. I am wasting no time turning my back to him. Everything about his presence makes me cringe.

"I knew you were smarter than you let on." He laughs, taunting me.

I whip back around. "Liam, you're pathetic. It hurts me to let the houses go. They were my home, but they don't bring my parents or Natty back, and the money? Well, I'm not a slimeball piece of shit who gives a fuck about any of that. I want my family right now, not money. You can have it all. Take it all. It won't break me. You won't break me. Not anymore."

He laughs. It was not a chuckle but a full-on laugh. His eyes whip to mine, and there's nothing but evil behind them.

"I can't break you because you're already broken." His smile is sinister, and he picks the papers up to turn and walk away. Before he can leave the den doorway, he looks back over his shoulder. "Oh, and remember what I said about your little boyfriend. If I catch you two together, he's gone. You may already be broken, but I'll ensure it stays that way. Unlike the rest, you may still be alive, but it won't be a happy life. You'll feel every bit of pain. I'll make sure of it."

With that, he's gone.

"I fucking hate you, you goddamn asshole!" I scream at the top of my lungs, letting every ounce of pain ripple through me as the words seethe out. Before I knew it, Izzy and her entire family were at my side, trying to piece together what had just happened through my sobs. I don't tell them much; it isn't worth explaining.

It changes nothing.