No Ordinary Love (A Modern Vintage Romance #5)

12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Lucas

I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

It had been a long day—a blur of meetings, a tense conversation with Hugh and Kath that left a sour taste in my mouth, and the constant, suffocating weight of expectations I was beginning to despise.

I'd been angry with Kath for trying to manipulate me, but now I was left with a cold, undeniable truth. I didn't want this life, this path that everyone else seemed so desperate for me to follow. I wanted something different, something that felt real, something that felt like…Amara.

I was just about to turn off the bedside lamp when my phone buzzed on the nightstand. I grabbed it, not expecting much—maybe an email or a late-night notification—but when I saw Amara's name on the screen, my heart skipped a beat.

It was a text, and as I opened it, a small, crooked smile tugged at my lips.

Amara : You must be thrilled, Mr. Perfect. Your perfect life, the perfect girlfriend. Bet you're already planning your perfect wedding. Enjoy your perfect damn life.

She was drunk; that much was clear. There was no way Amara would send a message like this sober. The text was snarky and biting, but underneath it, I could sense the hurt. And I hated that I was the reason for it.

Without thinking twice, I hit the call button, hoping she'd pick up. The line rang a few times, and I was starting to think she might not answer when her slightly slurred voice came through the line.

"Lucas?" She sounded surprised like she hadn't expected me to call.

"Amara." I leaned back against the pillows. The sound of her voice made my heart hurt in a way that I couldn't explain. "You're up late."

She went to bed at a decent hour; my girl prioritized sleep.

Amara let out a soft laugh and I knew for sure she was drunk. "Could say the same for you. Is she with you?"

"No."

"So, are you up thinking about your perfect life with Kath?" She slurred the word perfect.

There was that bite again, but it didn't bother me. I deserved any of the snark Amara threw my way. "I'm not thinking about Kath." I ran a hand through my hair. "I was thinking about you."

There was a pause on the other end, and I could almost hear her brain trying to process my words through the haze of alcohol. "About me? Why?"

"Because," I exhaled slowly, "I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss everything we had, and I'm starting to realize that I've been fucking up left and right since you walked out of my life."

She let out a snort that was somehow both adorable and heartbreaking. "I didn't walk out—you forced my hand. And don't give me this bullshit about missing me."

I chuckled, even though the sound was tinged with regret. " Tesoro , I'm telling you the truth."

Another pause, longer this time. I could hear her ragged breathing on the other end. "You really miss me?" she asked, her voice losing some of that snarky edge.

"Yeah," I admitted, the words coming more easily now that I'd started to spill my guts. "I miss you more than I thought was possible. And I've been trying to figure out why I've been such an idiot about…well, everything."

"And have you figured it out?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Yes."

"Tell me."

"I don't think you want to know." I didn't want to hurt her any more than I already had.

"I do. I do want to know. I deserve to know." I could hear the tears in her voice, the agony.

"Kath…fuck, Amara, she reminds me of my childhood and teenage years, and we were together for seven years. When she left me…it hurt a lot. I imagined all kinds of scenarios of how it would be if she wanted me back."

I waited a long moment. The silence between us was loud. If I couldn't hear her breathing, I'd have thought she'd hung up.

"When Mama told me that Kath wanted me to take her back, it was as if all those things I'd imagined had come true. My ego was soothed."

"You love her, so it was more than your ego that was soothed, Lucas." I could hear the sadness in her voice, the tremble.

"I thought I knew how I felt but I don't anymore."

"Buyer's remorse? Is that it? Now that she's yours, you don't know how you feel about her, but since I'm with Jax, you want me?"

"You're with Jax?" I couldn't hold the anger back.

"You're with Kath. I saw Shelby and Flynn today, and they told me that you're getting married soon. Congratulations."

The snark was back!

Flynn and Shelby were in Myrtle Beach. The Covington family sponsored a charity golf tournament, and they were there to represent us as neither Grandma nor I could make it.

"You're with Jax in Myrtle Beach?" I demanded.

"Yes."

"And where the fuck is he while you're talking to me?" I hated thinking of her with another man. Absolutely, fucking hated it.

"Sleeping," she yawned, "which I was doing as well… with him. I exhausted him."

"You got over me pretty fast, Amara, so why the text messages?" I asked, anger being replaced by despair. I'd lost her. I had really lost her. There was no going back. I hadn't consciously thought about us getting back together, but a part of me had not moved on from my Tesoro .

"You dumped me for Kath," she cried out, "And you're talking about me moving on? I fell asleep crying for days, weeks, months, and you're accusing me of forgetting about you?"

I closed my eyes and sat up. When we were in a relationship, we never fought or said hurtful things to one another. I'd been surprised that being with a woman could be soothing, calming, and peaceful—that I could draw strength from it. It was the antithesis of the pull and push I'd had with Kath, my only other long-term affair.

"I'm so sorry, Tesoro ."

"Don't call me that," she whimpered, "What do you call Kath?"

"Hmm?"

"What do you call her? Tesoro , baby, darling, what?"

Fuck ! She was still hurting. She hadn't moved on at all. We had never had this break-up conversation. She'd left and kept it civil. But if, after all these months, it was still gnawing at her….

I shouldn't be happy about it but it gave me hope, which was stupid because my mother was expecting me to propose to Kath in a couple of months.

"I call her Kath." I paused, debating whether to say more. Against my instincts, I decided to tell her the truth, because I couldn't stand to see her hurt any longer.

"I haven't touched her…not like that."

I heard a gasp at the other end of the line, followed by hollow laughter. "You never lied to me before, Lucas. You must be feeling really sorry for the ex-girlfriend who's drunk dialing you to say that."

" I called you ."

"Because I drunk texted you first." She sounded tired all of a sudden, like all the fire had left her. "Jax and I are friends."

I should've known, even though jealousy ate at me, that Amara wouldn't jump from one man to another. That wasn't who she was. Even after we started dating, it took months before we had sex. I hadn't minded—getting to know her mind had been just as sexy as getting to know her body.

"I know you won't believe me now, but I did love you." The words spilled out of me before I could stop them. "I couldn't see it then, but I can see it now."

"Did love? In the past?"

No, Tesoro, I still love you. And I can finally see it when it's too late.

When I didn't say anything, she spoke so softly that it took effort to hear all her words. "Then why did you leave me?"

"Because Kath has always been my safe choice, someone I've known most of my life," I admitted. "Being with you was different—good, different. With you, everything was real, though I couldn't see it then. There were no games with you. And…," I paused as the epiphany came through, splitting me wide open, "I fucked it up because I didn't know how to be the man you needed me to be."

She was quiet for a long time, so long that I started to worry she'd fallen asleep on me; until she said, "You hurt me, Lucas. You hurt me so much."

The pain in her voice made me hate myself, because I knew I was the reason behind it. "I know." My voice was thick with regret. "I'm sorry, Amara. I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't deserve you, and I sure as hell don't deserve your forgiveness."

"I should never have texted you. I'm sorry."

"No," I cried out. "No, I'm glad you did. I'm glad…we could speak, get closure."

All lies! All my wounds were open now, bleeding.

"Did you get closure?"

"There's none for me, Amara. I don't deserve that after I hurt you."

I heard her scoff. "You're so full of shit, Lucas. You want it both ways. You want to dump me so you can be with Kath, but you also don't want me to hate you. You want me to not hurt but you don't want me to move on for you. You want her, but your ego can't stand the idea of me being with another man."

She wasn't saying anything untrue. But that didn't mean I was aware of what I was doing until she pointed it out quite so bluntly.

"I wish we could at least be friends." It was a lame platitude, but true. If we were friends, then she'd stay in my life; I wouldn't have to miss her quite as much.

There I go again, wanting my cake and eating it too. I would marry Kath because my family and hers want me to, and I'd stay friendly with Amara so I could have a fraction of her when, truthfully, I wanted it all.

She let out a shaky breath, and I could tell she was on the verge of tears. "I don't think so, Lucas."

"I know," I said quickly, not wanting her to think I was trying to sweep everything under the rug. "But I want to try. I don't know whether you'll ever forgive me or you'll even want me in your life again, but I need you to know that I'm here for you, always."

There was another long pause, and then I heard her sigh. "I'm really drunk right now, Lucas. And I'm probably going to regret telling you this, but…I miss you too. I've been trying so hard to move on, but it's like every time I think I'm getting somewhere, you pop back into my life and mess everything up."

"I don't want to mess things up for you," I confessed earnestly.

"Goodnight, Lucas."

I stared at my phone when she hung up. All along, I'd been thinking that Kath was the easy choice, but I'd been fooling myself. Amara had been the easy choice, the perfect one because of how she loved me and how I loved her. I wished it hadn't taken me so long to realize that.